Lostbutinlove Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 I've been reading everything on her and it's been a very big help, helping me to understand the reality I'm in. I understand the pain some of you have experienced and I can say that what you've gone through has helped me immensely. Background: for the passed year or so I've noticed my WW being weird with her phone (passwords, hiding the screen sometimes, long bathroom sessions). Thinking back now I feel so stupid to just let that pass. I was in denile. So a couple of weeks ago I just couldn't stand it anymore and told her that something was going on, has been going on, and that I need to know. Wednesday she confessed with a ONS with another woman. I was pissed, and didn't know what to think. On to that Sunday, she came to me and said there is more but she doesn't want to say because it could be over. Then she told.me about an on again, off again affair with her.boss for the last 2 years. Won't get into what happened after that but I know you can imagine. Let's just say he called the cops because he felt I was going to kill him. I told her to go to her mom's that night, she agreed. I told her I wanted the house, both my car and hers, and everything in the house. She said she would sign anything. I've learned over the passed week that she voluntarily was in a psych ward for a week, and has been to the ER a couple of times for stress related physical symptoms (tremors, etc) she didn't tell me about it because she didn't want to use any mental condition as an excuse for the affair. She's told me she still loves me and how horrible she feels about ripping my life apart etc. That she'll do anything. If I want to divorce, she'll give me everything, if I want to R, she'll do whatever I ask. My question is given this from her (to be honest I don't trust my perception of the world just yet) is R a possibility or am I kidding myself? I want to have a separation agreement to give me time to examine if my brain can handle being with her after what's happened. Right now I feel like I still love her and want her, but like I said I don't trust my own feelings right now. I know every situation is different, but I just don't want to waste mental time trying for R if there is no chance Anything is appreciated
dichotomy Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 If I want to divorce, she'll give me everything. :laugh::laugh: :lmao::lmao: Not chance once she gets a lawyer. 2
Author Lostbutinlove Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Thank you. Anything that I can anchor my mind to helps me gain confidence that I'm seeing the world around me correctly. She said she doesn't want a lawyer, that she will sign anything. I will see if that changes. Thanks again for giving me something, this does help
BetrayedH Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 People do manage to reconcile and be happy with their decision. There have been many examples here over the years that I've been reading. That said, they are rare (although most make an attempt) and they take much longer than just about anyone thinks they will. Conventional wisdom puts recovery at 2-5 years. Your wife's initial willingness to do whatever it takes shouldn't mean too much to you. Honestly, almost all waywards will turn a 180 away from the affair as soon as Dday hits. And they'll say anything they need to say in order to manage you and control the damage. However, I would say that your wife's (mostly) voluntary confession is likely a significant factor. In my experience, a voluntary confession speaks more to true remorse than any other factor. Statistically, it doubles the chances of a couple reconciling. I'd recommend that you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things that Every WS Needs to Know. It'll help you see what true remorse looks like. Bear in mind, true remorse on the part of your wife is only half of the equation. A truly forgiving betrayed spouse is the other half. That would (eventually) fall to you if you decide to reconcile. And it may be a much taller order than you think. Right now you may embrace it, as you're probably wanting to do some damage control of your own. Really being able to accept it over time is more difficult than expected. There are a lot of stages to the grieving process. 4
Mr. Lucky Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 I want to have a separation agreement to give me time to examine if my brain can handle being with her after what's happened. Right now I feel like I still love her and want her, but like I said I don't trust my own feelings right now. I know every situation is different, but I just don't want to waste mental time trying for R if there is no chance A separation probably makes sense, you have an awful lot on your plate. Was she unfaithful at any time previously in your relationship? Were you aware of her bisexual tendencies? Unfortunately, there's a "tip of the iceberg" aspect to these things. Right now, you've probably only been told a small portion of the truth. Go slow and do whatever necessary to protect yourself, your finances and your future... Mr. Lucky 2
Author Lostbutinlove Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Thank you so much for the replies. You guys have given me something to hold on to and look out for. I really don't trust what I'm feeling right now so it helps to have anything. Thank you all so much 1
dichotomy Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Ok - more Some people may not agree - and will say cheating is cheating. But for me a ONS is one thing..... someone can slip up....but a TWO YEAR affair with a co-worker (a boss) is a very messy and difficult thing to overcome. And understand she is still withholding information - ALL cheaters withhold information as long as possible. You say she will do anything? First step all access to her computer accounts, facebook, emails, work emails, and more. Don trust she will show you all her email accounts either. Check the home computer or her work laptop. Also most companies have policies about bosses f'ing their employee's. You might want to consider report him to the company HR department. 2
Author Lostbutinlove Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Thank you. She has given me passwords to everything. And phone location. Even her work email, and where she works she could get in a lot of trouble for giving me that. When she told me I started asking questions, and she answered all of them. There was stuff she admitted to that there would be no way I would've been able to find out. She was throwing up while telling me certain things but she did answer every one of my questions. I know that my tone is right now trying to find positives in everything, and I accept that I don't have a tangible grasp on reality yet. She has been (sorry, SAYS she has been) NC, and I've learned he was placed on an indefinite leave of absence. 3
Marc878 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 She's been in an affair with her boss for two years! Get a divorce fast! If you want to try reconciliation do it after the divorce. She's still in a fog with her boss so now is the time. Some can never get over the betrayal especially it being that long. I'd do a full exposure on her boss so everyone knows why the police were called. Work, family, friends. You may have some legal rights against the company if they don't handle it right. Sorry you are here man. You didn't get arrested did you????? 1
Marc878 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Thank you. She has given me passwords to everything. And phone location. Even her work email, and where she works she could get in a lot of trouble for giving me that. When she told me I started asking questions, and she answered all of them. There was stuff she admitted to that there would be no way I would've been able to find out. She was throwing up while telling me certain things but she did answer every one of my questions. I know that my tone is right now trying to find positives in everything, and I accept that I don't have a tangible grasp on reality yet. She has been (sorry, SAYS she has been) NC, and I've learned he was placed on an indefinite leave of absence. Copy everything and put it in a secure place for evidence later. You may need it if this gets messy and they usually do. 2
Marc878 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Reconcilliation if possible needs to be thought about long and hard. Some end up wasting years for nothing. Do not rush into this!!!! Again, I'd get a quick divorce first before attempting a reconciliation with a two year affair. 1
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Sorry you are enduring this, pall. Sure reconciliation is possible. Is it likely? Hard to say. Is it desirable? Only you can decide that. It would require quite a bit of heavy lifting on your part for several years, with no guarantees of anything. As a default position, I tend to think that nobody is worth that. Good luck.
ladydesigner Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Unless your WS is remorseful I wouldn't waste another breath. Even with remorse R is difficult but doable. (((Lostbutinlove))) I'm sorry you join us here, but there is a lot of support! Most important thing I think every BS should know from the get go is that the A was NEVER YOUR FAULT. It is 100% the responsibility of the cheater, as they had other choices than to cheat. 5
Marc878 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Reconciliation may not be on the table but just in case full exposure will probably end the affair. It's been two years so he addiction for them will be strong. Make sure his wife knows if he's married. Don't be surprised if they get together again. Happens all the time. 2
ladydesigner Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Reconciliation may not be on the table but just in case full exposure will probably end the affair. It's been two years so he addiction for them will be strong. Make sure his wife knows if he's married. Don't be surprised if they get together again. Happens all the time. Yes and double yes to the above^ I would expose the A whether you plan to R or not. There needs to be some kind of consequence for their actions. It MAY kill the A (it did not in my case, my WH took the A underground) and it may not, but at least everyone will know what the hell really happened in your M. 1
Author Lostbutinlove Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 Thank you all so much for your posts. I just don't trust what I'm thinking and feeling so it really helps to have other people give me any perspective. I can't thank you enough, you have no idea (or maybe you do) how just seeing other people's perspective gives me confidence in myself.
Marc878 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Your feelings are normal. It's a hard thing to take. This is far from over and it doesn't seem like it now but it will get better with time. However, you'll never forget. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving indefinitely but it will fade somewhat. Your WW has and will never have a clue as to what she's done. The hard fact is this was no mistake on her part. She did it knowingly and willingly. It was all about her and what she wanted. You were never figured into the equation. Therefore this was 100% on her. 2
drifter777 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 How to you feel about your wife having sex with a woman? How do you feel about her having sex with her boss? These sound like simple questions because, of course, you feel devastated. But there's a reason I'm asking. For betrayed husbands, the sex is usually the most painful part of her betrayal. However, for some men the sex is not as important and they are much more devastated by the emotional component of it all. The thing is, if your a "well, it's only sex" kind of guy then you have a better chance to reconcile if that's what you decide to try. But if you are devastated by the sex and suffering from the horrible visions and mind movies of them screwing then reconciliation is a much, much more difficult process. This is something you need to try to figure out ASAP. 1
understand50 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 . My question is given this from her (to be honest I don't trust my perception of the world just yet) is R a possibility or am I kidding myself? I want to have a separation agreement to give me time to examine if my brain can handle being with her after what's happened. Right now I feel like I still love her and want her, but like I said I don't trust my own feelings right now. I know every situation is different, but I just don't want to waste mental time trying for R if there is no chance Anything is appreciated Lostbutinlove, Yes, reconciliation is possible, but do not kid yourself it is much harder then divorce. I believe the first thing is you need to decide what you want. You say you do not trust your own feeling right now. Take some time, think long and hard about it. When you have decided, then tell her, and take action. There are men and women here that have made reconciliation work, you can too if you want too. That is the rub, do you want to? The second part is your wife doing everything to show remorse and get back to your marriage? From what you wrote, it looks like she is doing so. If you decide to give her the huge gift or reconciliation, ask her to decide if she wants to do the hard work to make this happen. You both need to be ready to accept this, for this to happen. She must do all in her power to open honest and go NC with the AP. She can only have one chance. You are going to have to find away to forgive her. Keep in mind you will never forget. The first step is up to you. What do you want to do? I wish you luck, and hope you have the best outcome possible........ 1
Author Lostbutinlove Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 Thank you so much. I'm an engineer by trade so it has been frustrating that I cannot focus on a step by step way to process and analyze this. I just can't get away from the whole. Every single post has given me something to consider, and I know it won't be time wasted because it's coming from an outside source. It still feels like I'm drowning to death, but at least I can see a lighthouse beacon. I may not be able to reach it, but there is comfort knowing it exists. I have very specific goals for what I need to concentrate on in my own mind, for myself. It feels like I can at least get started. Going to my 3rd therapy since D day in a few. Again, thank you all
happyman64 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Indefinite leave of absence??? Does that mean they were caught at work and she felt pressured to admit the affair to you? How long have you been married Lost? How old are you two? Do you have any children?
Author Lostbutinlove Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 He is married. With kids. I left some pretty graphic notes for him. He knows I have weapons. Apparently he tried to shoot himself in public, not sure if at work or not. He was 51/50 to a facility. My WW told him she told me about them. His response by text was (paraphrasing) that since she put his life in danger she owes it to him to divorce me and be with him. She told him she can't do that. That even if we divorce she won't be with him. Later the next day he tried to off himself. Not sure if the affair was exposed, but with him gone, and her a week in a self-admit phych ward, I'm sure speculation has begun. Regardless I will expose it. I want to see if she will agree to expose it first. Me 34 W-30. No kids. Married 5 years, together 10 years before marriage. I know, young guy, no kids, just move on. I want to give myself some time to find out if my love I feel for her is real or if it's just my mind doing damage control
happyman64 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I'm not telling you to run but I think you have plenty of time to make a decision. Wait till your emotions calm down. Work with an attorney and do not threaten the OM. He is not worth it. So you two have been together long time. Your wife is acting out in a very bad way and definitely needs professional medical attention. Was your wife's same sex ONS a one time thing or has she done this before?
Bryanp Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I am very sorry what you are going through. Here are some things that you might wish to consider: 1. Both of you are going to have to be tested for STD's. 2. She clearly had no problem about putting your health at risk for STD's for two years. 3. Since the affair has been going on for two years you surely must realize that there were probably times that she was intimate with you after she had been intimate with her boss. 4. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting and forgiving as you seem to be? The bottom line is that your wife has been humiliating and disrespecting you and your marriage for the past two years and has been playing you for a fool. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?
Popsicle Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I've been reading everything on her and it's been a very big help, helping me to understand the reality I'm in. I understand the pain some of you have experienced and I can say that what you've gone through has helped me immensely. Background: for the passed year or so I've noticed my WW being weird with her phone (passwords, hiding the screen sometimes, long bathroom sessions). Thinking back now I feel so stupid to just let that pass. I was in denile. So a couple of weeks ago I just couldn't stand it anymore and told her that something was going on, has been going on, and that I need to know. Wednesday she confessed with a ONS with another woman. I was pissed, and didn't know what to think. On to that Sunday, she came to me and said there is more but she doesn't want to say because it could be over. Then she told.me about an on again, off again affair with her.boss for the last 2 years. Won't get into what happened after that but I know you can imagine. Let's just say he called the cops because he felt I was going to kill him. I told her to go to her mom's that night, she agreed. I told her I wanted the house, both my car and hers, and everything in the house. She said she would sign anything. I've learned over the passed week that she voluntarily was in a psych ward for a week, and has been to the ER a couple of times for stress related physical symptoms (tremors, etc) she didn't tell me about it because she didn't want to use any mental condition as an excuse for the affair. She's told me she still loves me and how horrible she feels about ripping my life apart etc. That she'll do anything. If I want to divorce, she'll give me everything, if I want to R, she'll do whatever I ask. My question is given this from her (to be honest I don't trust my perception of the world just yet) is R a possibility or am I kidding myself? I want to have a separation agreement to give me time to examine if my brain can handle being with her after what's happened. Right now I feel like I still love her and want her, but like I said I don't trust my own feelings right now. I know every situation is different, but I just don't want to waste mental time trying for R if there is no chance Anything is appreciated You want to R it's oozing out of you, so just go ahead and do it.
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