katielee Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 so today is the day 30 years ago I met my husband. After swearing off men to work on my education/career (I was 19) I decided to have one last go and asked the cutest guy in the bar to dance. It was him. He was wearing a sweatshirt from his college football team and he still owns this shirts. today on FB I got a timelapse picture of him wearing this same sweatshirt from exactly 4 years ago. And that night he met OW1. Man, was that quite a trigger. I looked at the house, the plates on the table, how the house was decorated for Christmas, etc and feel sick to my stomach. I guess on FB you can turn these timelapses down so that's what I did and I received this message: "We're sorry, we know we don't always get it right. We've hidden this memory so you shouldn't see it in On This Day again." Thanks Facebook. We discovered today we get to make an emergency trip to our lake home to deliver more flooring for our renovation. I can't tell you how excited I am to go there. we hadn't planned to go until after Christmas. How one day can deliver so many mixed emotions I don't know... There is no real pain associated, but loss, sadness and a admiration for ourselves as a couple for how far we've come. I still feel nauseated. I hadn't realized until today, this day, that the day I met him was the same day OW1 did. Just thoughts.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Ouch. Yep, those triggers jump up and bite you when you don't expect it. (I had one bite last week pretty hard)
harrybrown Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Sorry for your pain. Did you talk to him about it?
Author katielee Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 I don't know if I will.. I'm at the point now where I don't want to ruin his day. It may sound co-dependent but in this case, maybe more of a lets get on with our day thing. I'll think about it and if I'm still ruminating about it tonight, I'll tell him.
ladydesigner Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Oh (((katielee))) how I hate triggers Photos really have that affect on me, it's like I can't look at anything from that time period as it is not REAL to me anymore. I so get it and it sucks. Just always seems to happen when we least expect it. 2
ShatteredLady Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I finally found (most) of the truth through August/September but it had been going on since last November. In Aug I found several of their emails from the holiday season EVERYTHING is a trigger!! It's my H's birthday today. My 'efforts' last year were mocked between them. My H eventually told me that my celebrations & gifts were "completely crap & thoughtless". I'd tried REALLY hard!! Today has gone horribly wrong. Gifts didn't arrive so he's got a mix of birthday & intended for Christmas gifts....oh what the f**k!!! This is stupid!!! He's said "I don't know why I said that!" about the crap gifts & he's promised this Christmas will be better. I wanted to die last year...didn't know about the A, truly believed it was all my fault I was being treated so badly...ugh!! Did you guys who made it, or are at least working on it find that you had to fight the "I can't do this!" feelings? How long did it take you to be sure that you can live with these triggers? Can you ever forget the cruelty? The words? Can you forgive? Can you even live with it? It just hurts so much. I can't shake the thought that he must of HATED me so much to do all that to me. How can you just decide to hate someone you've spent your life with & then tell them you love them?? My H is being kind & thoughtful but I've recently realized that he thinks I'm more damaged by my health fight, cancer etc than I am by HIM!! I said that this has been the worst year of my life & he said "I know my love but the cancer surgery went really well & your spine meds have finally been sorted....". None of that matters to me!! I don't cry everyday because of my health. It's nothing compared to the pain he has inflicted. How long do the triggers last?
ladydesigner Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I finally found (most) of the truth through August/September but it had been going on since last November. In Aug I found several of their emails from the holiday season EVERYTHING is a trigger!! It's my H's birthday today. My 'efforts' last year were mocked between them. My H eventually told me that my celebrations & gifts were "completely crap & thoughtless". I'd tried REALLY hard!! Today has gone horribly wrong. Gifts didn't arrive so he's got a mix of birthday & intended for Christmas gifts....oh what the f**k!!! This is stupid!!! He's said "I don't know why I said that!" about the crap gifts & he's promised this Christmas will be better. I wanted to die last year...didn't know about the A, truly believed it was all my fault I was being treated so badly...ugh!! Did you guys who made it, or are at least working on it find that you had to fight the "I can't do this!" feelings? How long did it take you to be sure that you can live with these triggers? Can you ever forget the cruelty? The words? Can you forgive? Can you even live with it? It just hurts so much. I can't shake the thought that he must of HATED me so much to do all that to me. How can you just decide to hate someone you've spent your life with & then tell them you love them?? My H is being kind & thoughtful but I've recently realized that he thinks I'm more damaged by my health fight, cancer etc than I am by HIM!! I said that this has been the worst year of my life & he said "I know my love but the cancer surgery went really well & your spine meds have finally been sorted....". None of that matters to me!! I don't cry everyday because of my health. It's nothing compared to the pain he has inflicted. How long do the triggers last? (((ShatteredLady))) their words sting don't they? My WH and MOW would laugh that I was in therapy because of their A. MOW reveled in the fact that I became mentally ill post Dday, gave them all the more reason to have their A ya know!!! I STILL get the "I can't do this!" feelings and I am almost 4 years from initial Dday and 1.5 years from False R. The cruelty and words that were said will NEVER go away for me. Whatever HATE my WH felt for me was spun in his favor because I have always went above and beyond in our M for HIM. I think our WS's felt 'entitled' enough to do as they please at everyone's (including the AP) expense. 1
Author katielee Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 the pain associated with the triggers is much less for me. I still think but I don't feel, if that makes any sense. I am sad, but without much pain.
ladydesigner Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 the pain associated with the triggers is much less for me. I still think but I don't feel, if that makes any sense. I am sad, but without much pain. Maybe this is a good thing? That maybe you are healing? IDK I still get those triggers that take my knees out.
afoolto no end Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I am sorry your feeling badly today, when I have those days I just accept it's a ****ty day and move on with tomorrow. the awfulness in on them not you. I have dates I have lost as well, we all do I think. I just choose to give them up, they aren't special anymore for me , spinning things around in my head will never change what happened what was said. I just let them be Tuesday or Thursday nothing more....... When I have a trigger now I just say to myself I have done this, been there and it always is sad, I am not going there anymore.........I think of something I need to do and go do it.........or do something for someone else........before you know it, it's only Tuesday again........... You have had a more than difficult start......but your both still there, working on better days to remember, make them the best 1
ShatteredLady Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 LadyDesigner. I'm like you when you say it "takes your knees out". I feel physically sick, panic attacks, can't breath. This pain is beyond imagination. Why don't you give-up? I think that the pain will still be there. The pain could be worse?!? My little daughter is a mummy's girl, Velcro baby. I imagine having her dragged away from me every other weekend. I've spent my entire adult life loving him. I'm not some cold, psycho wife they talk about on the OW/OM forum...are any of us? I became a crazy lady but that was because I had no idea what was actually happening in my life! I'm blamed for who I became because of the A. I was never this person!! How do people believe these lies? We're all human beings with hearts & feelings unless we're BS & then were evil incarnate, torturing our poor neglected husbands deserving everything we get!! Ugh!! Sorry. Really, REALLY bad week!! 2
Author katielee Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 Shattered lady - are you in IC? That might help. It DOES get better as the months go by... do something for yourself - be in nature, get some hobbies...go back to healing when you can. 1
Krashi Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I simply cannot understand why they have to be so cruel, in addition to cheating. My XW said some unbelievably cruel things to me during her affair. I do not think I can ever forgive her for that. But, why do it in the first place? What does it accomplish to say cruel things, to ridicule the person you are cheating on? 2
ShatteredLady Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Kashi. I think they know that they are doing something terrible, terrible in so many ways. Sometimes they have to kick us into the gutter to allow themselves to justify it all. Being cruel, saying mean things makes us react...our reactions make us horrid or pathetic people who deserve it! I don't know! My H says he can't remember things or he remembers but it was like another person doing it, saying it. 12 years ago he had an A & tortured me. I forgave him because his behavior was so, so, so bizarre & abusive I truly believed he was having a mental break. I never thought it could happen again. It nearly killed me & he could do it again! He's NOT a bad person. Ugh! I'm the last person to know the answers! I feel so stupid & so very lost & alone.
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