AT15 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Summer 2000 i visit my sister in her city. We go out one night and I meet an adorable guy outside a night club. We exchange numbers. The week I am visiting my sister, I spend a lot of time with this new adorable guy. I was 21 at the time and he was 18. Although, he lied and told me he was 20. I found out after he couldn't buy me beer. I was wild and free. He was a shy recent graduate of high school. After my week visit, we exchanged numbers, but I never really kept in contact with him. I let it go. However... 2004. I move to Los Angeles with my long time boyfriend of 3.5 years. I get a random call from the 19 year old who is now 23. He says: "I never forgot about you." I tell him I have a serious boyfriend, but he is sweet. 2006 Introducing Social Media. I get a MySpace message from my admirer, it's a letter professing his love to me. He has never forgotten me, yada yada. I'm still with my long time boyfriend. I tell him he is sweet, but I am still with my boyfriend. 2008 I join Facebook. Guess what? You got it, another message from my admirer. Nothing has changed with my status. We remain casual friends. 2009 breakthrough! My admirer gets engaged! Yay for him! Then I get engaged and married to my long time boyfriend. 2010 my admirer and his fiancée move to my city. I send him a quick message asking what neighborhood he is in, he asked me my neighborhood...I decide not to share (lol). 2012 my marriage crumbles. I have a kid. I gain 40 lbs. I'm feeling low. I send my old admirer a hello message out of curiosity and the desire for attention. Come to find out he never got married. I asked to go to lunch to catch up before he moves back to his hometown. 2013 I procrastinate meeting up with him. Then finally, I make time a few months later...and to my surprise this shy little dweeb blossomed into a gorgeous man. I mean gorgeous. 14 years have passed so I guess he grew into himself. He still had a crush on me. But he hadn't gotten over his Fiancé either. 4 weeks after our meet up, he moves back to his hometown and I can't stop thinking about him. We talk, but he distanced himself from me because I am married and I live 1000 miles away. 2014 I ask for a separation. The admirer gets in contact with AGAIN. I tell him my status, we start visiting each other. We develop a deep bound. I fall in love. Madly in love. 2015he moves back up to my city and we move in together. The passion is still hot. But, I have a child that takes priority. He's not used to living with a 4 year old little diva. Also,I am on good terms with the EX but not yet filed for divorce.a few months into our living together he cheats, makes out with a former hook up buddy...in our shared apartment. I forgive, then we move on. But not really,I stop trusting him. We start to argue about who he is texting, I catch him having inappropriate conversations ( I snooped). I caught him on Tinder. And our fairytale is now a drama. After months of me asking him to change he finally broke it off with me. I tried many times to break it off with him, but always returned. Last night he left our shared apartment and did not return until this morning. This is his first time ever doing that. We have been fighting a lot. He read my journal, which was full of negativity about how he has behaved since living together. I texted him once at 1am to say " You're not coming home?", he never responded. He texted me at 9:30am to ask me if I wanted my keys. I said he can leave them under the doormat. And that was that... I was a mess last night, but this afternoon I am keeping my distance and looking toward the future. What a weird relationship, and after all those years chasing me, to finally get me....and he cheats on me and du ps me. I guess... That is Life.
Author AT15 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 I'm coping after an open ended end. I moved in with my boyfriend against my better judgement, hoping he would change. I talked to him about the move before he actually did it. But, I guess it was love, so I jumped in. I made some huge mistakes, now I can see that. I didn't really trust him with my heart. And the reason is because he is a womanizer. I read his emails and text messages to other women. I read them. And I was so hurt, but didn't leave him. He had always promised to change, begged, cried, meditated with me (lol), and my heart always softened and went right back to loving him hard. The truth is I should have never developed a relationship with him after he flew to see a girl that he was friends with but had sex with in the past. I knew he was going to sleep with her, but I stayed with him anyway. As I write this, I see how clueless I look. Did I really expect a happy ending with someone who showed our relationship such little regard? I have some soul searching to do. This isn't about him, it's really about me. And how I treat myself when I love someone. I did not love myself through this relationship. I was a doormat. I know it is in my best interest to NOT want him back. But, after all I know and experienced, I want the relationship to be what I had envisioned all those years. I need to accept that it was what I wanted, but not what he wanted. We share an apartment, but he hasn't slept home in 4 nights. I talked to him yesterday, but did not see him. Today, I plan on trying no contact, not to get h back, but force myself in to accepting it's over. I want to move on. I want to love again, but I need to look inside myself to see why I like womanizers. Or love men, who do not love me.
Sean Yaho Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Have you ever looked into attachment theory. From what you explained I think studying it could help you answer some questions and help you find yourself I once had the same problem, I dated a girl I really shouldn't have. Her red flags created trust problems and I would constantly tell myself I needed to end it. But every time we saw eachother those thoughts faded. Overtime I started to create a fantasy bond, I'd envision us together in a future full of intimacy and commitment , I couldn't see the truth until the relationship was over. What you're doing right now is exactly what I did. Self reflection and no contact. I even forgave my ex before enforcing the no contact rule. You have no idea how amazing it felt to move on. The no contact gave me the time I needed to get over her. The self reflection taught me who I was and what I truly needed out of a relationship. And the forgiveness was refreshing and offered self closure. I wish you the best of luck!
Author AT15 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 I think forgiveness is so important too. I'm not mad at him. It's just a reoccurring theme in my life. I am pulled toward people like him. And it's forcing me to look deeply at my choices. Subconsciously there is something going on
Author AT15 Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 So, I fell in love and gave my heart to someone who had a very long history of cheating and lying. He cheated on his fiancé. He cheated on most his girlfriends too, me included. The part I need to realize is this: I had more than enough chances to leave him after I caught him in lies and cheating scandals. Why didn't I leave him? Was it love? Or was it attachment? And even more importantly was it a sense of Low Self Worth? I think I have a very low sense of worth. And I am aware of that now. I gave my wants and needs up for a false love and a false sense of security. I am 36 and I have had a string of relationships that left me feeling abandoned. I am just now digging very deep and going through therapy to help me improve my self esteem. Thanks for listening guys.
Glass Hut Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 Did you feel you probably won't find someone that attractive again? I am also 36 and had that problem, let a younger girl walk all over me.
Author AT15 Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 No, I feel I can find attractive men. I think I can find someone who is attractive and successful. But, I feel like I invested some time in this last guy. I had hope that he loved me enough to change. We were equals as far as looks, but unequal in career and direction.
Glass Hut Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 No, I feel I can find attractive men. I think I can find someone who is attractive and successful. But, I feel like I invested some time in this last guy. I had hope that he loved me enough to change. We were equals as far as looks, but unequal in career and direction. Maybe you feel as though you spent so much time on him you don't want to admit that wasted some time? If so better to cut your losses and not waste more time on him. Believe me I'm your age and single and feel I wasted a lot of time, it happens. I feel angry about it sometimes but it's also a waste of time to feel like that.
Author AT15 Posted November 28, 2015 Author Posted November 28, 2015 I received a "How are you?" text this morning. I'm not sure of the motivation. My gut tells me it's because I told his aunt I may get a television deal. But, maybe not. It felt good for about 30 minutes, but then all the sad memories of what he threw away came rushing back. We were together for a year and 6 months. He broke it off with me so badly. He stopped coming home. Spending the night out and not calling or anything. It was so painful. The fear and the longing I felt during this time. I wanted to fix it. It was a terrible experience. I don't know what he wants, probably nothing. But, I unraveled when he left. I was in pieces. And I still am. I'm wanting to move on though. I thought a breadcrumb would give me the chance to Ignore him and feel great, but it's just a reminder of a man I used to love and who became reckless with my heart and broke me. I'm not going to respond.
kiki2015 Posted November 28, 2015 Posted November 28, 2015 Same here, AT15. I knew it would too and it makes you realise you are not over it yet. I responded though and he didn't write back. So now I'm sitting here in tears at my own stupidity.
BC1980 Posted November 28, 2015 Posted November 28, 2015 Exactly. A breadcrumb is nothing but a reminder of the past, and it's sad. Who cares if you ignored him? You're still broken up, so it doesn't feel that great to ignore him. The good thing is that you can learn through experience how damaging breadcrumbs are. A lot of people come on LS and want breadcrumbs because they don't know how detrimental they are to healing. 1
Author AT15 Posted November 28, 2015 Author Posted November 28, 2015 It's true. The memory and pain resurface. My heart was broken by someone I truly loved with my whole heart. And he didn't want it. I do want that person who loved me at one time. But now I question if that person ever existed. Was he wearing a mask? The way he dumped me and moved on was shocking. And if it didn't work out with the person he dumped me for, he now wants to use me as a filler. It's terrible. I still love him. That's why I am not going to respond. 1
Author AT15 Posted November 28, 2015 Author Posted November 28, 2015 And then when they make up with their new flame. They will discard you again. Terrible.
Smudgster Posted November 28, 2015 Posted November 28, 2015 My ex and I split after 6 years over two months ago. I have had breadcrumb texts and even a visit after which he disappeared again. If I had to go through this again I would never ever have responded to a single thing he's sent me. It's nothing but trying to alleviate their own guilt or keep you hanging. He can shove his texts from now on.
Deleted User Posted November 28, 2015 Posted November 28, 2015 But now I question if that person ever existed. Was he wearing a mask? The way he dumped me and moved on was shocking. That, right there, is exactly how I've been feeling since last summer when she dumped me. She wore that 12yr long mask quite well I might add. 1
Author AT15 Posted December 9, 2015 Author Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) Today, as I was taking the subway home, I questioned my thoughts. Then it hit me. I had changed while I was living with the Ex, and it wasn't a good change. It was an "accommodation" change. It wasn't the real me. I accepted a lot of sh-t from him. And the more I stood up for myself, the more he pushed himself away from me. The more I became strong and set boundaries the more he wanted out. Well, you know what? Adiós! He was very selfish. And really mean. And I still love him, but I learned a lesson. Edited December 9, 2015 by AT15 3
anonymousbear00101100 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 This is a very good self observation. I know how you feel. I changed so much to keep my ex happy. I stopped doing things that made me happy, started doing things I didn't want to just to please her. When I asked for something in return, I became selfish and needy in her eyes. I even considered transferring from my dream school to her more expensive college that I dislike. But like you say, the feelings remain. If she wanted me back, I'd continue doing whatever she asked so she'd be happy for a little longer. Working on myself for the past month has made me realize I need to find someone I can be myself with. 2
Author AT15 Posted December 9, 2015 Author Posted December 9, 2015 I can tell I am getting my strength and confidence back. It's been since September since we broke up. Going on four months. With a little contact in between. Mostly me begging him back. And, I should have been the one to have ended it. I was just attached and afraid to be alone. I needed to grow up. It's really a good thing. It was heartbreaking. I was very attached. He disrespected me so much. I am taking it one day at a time. 1
Riptide91 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 I can tell I am getting my strength and confidence back. It's been since September since we broke up. Going on four months. With a little contact in between. Mostly me begging him back. And, I should have been the one to have ended it. I was just attached and afraid to be alone. I needed to grow up. It's really a good thing. It was heartbreaking. I was very attached. He disrespected me so much. I am taking it one day at a time. I'm very impressed with some of your self realization. I can definitely say I was not there til long after 4 months. I think most of us who come from serious relationships are afraid to be alone. But after I realized how much I loved my self compared to how much I loved our relationship, I saw it was worth it to be single again. She was a good person, and so am I, it just didn't work out. And I'm 100% okay with that now. I think the longer you spend putting yourself first the better you'll feel as well. 1
anonymousbear00101100 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 She was a good person, and so am I, it just didn't work out. And I'm 100% okay with that now. I fluctuate in and out of this type of thinking. When I'm happy, it's because I view our relationship in this way. Your ex doesn't always have to be someone you hate, they can be someone you care about and wish the best for. Amicable endings to relationships are good, even if sometimes it's hard to wish the best for someone who you still want to be with.
CatcherintheRye Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 My boyfriend recently ended our relationship and it was really similar. I let myself give pieces of my personality away to better accommodate "us," but that doesn't change the fact that I miss him and want him back more than anything. We're in the same boat; so attached to something that could cause real damage. Isn't that just sucky? I'm really glad you're so introspective and handling it to maturely. I hope I can be a little more like you.
Author AT15 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 So. My ex contacted me 3 weeks ago, after a very harsh dumping of me. His text said "How are you?". I waited about 12 hours before I responded with an "I'm good." Then a week later I initiated contact with him. I told him about some new exciting work news, within that conversation he tells me he has been thinking of me. I don't get all giddy inside. Actually, I don't even say much. I just asked him, what was on his mind and if he needed to tell me something. he says no. I dropped the conversation. So, a week goes by and this morning I get a text asking me to house his cat for a few months. The issues with this are blazingly obvious. 1. I am still in love with him 2. It could be too much open door policy, meaning he can always contact me because of the cat. 3.I am still in love with him 4. He is a jerk that I have a serious attraction to 5. I don't want to be used...again. I agreed to house the cat, mainly to be in contact with him and allow him to make amends with me. I'm just going to admit that out of the gate. But, I know the serious risk of him doing something very sh*tty to me again. His issues are push-pull, sabotaging our relationship, serious mommy abandonment issues. I know he has emotional problems, so it eases the pain a bit when I think about the way he treated me. He did tell me he was sorry for hurting me and he wants to see me succeed..yada,yada - whatever. So, he came by the apartment dropped off the cat. I didn't touch him. Just friendly banter. But, this man looked so good. Nothing happened, he dropped the cat and we both left the apartment together. Now, Im like ok. Why did I agree to this? I don't mind the cat. I saw the Ex. I was lusting after him after he left. Jesus. ridiculous. I would love to use the excuse that I partially paid for the cat. And the cat would go back to the adoption agency. But the REAL truth is; I wanted to see if he was using this cat to come back into my life. And the reality is I could be setting myself up to be hurt yet AGAIN. Anytime he says anything emotional to me, I take big emotional steps back. I don't like engaging with him in that way. Because I expect the worst from him. Yet, I am doing this....gosh
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