justwantsmiles Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 I'll keep this short. My girlfriend and I have been together over a year now, and it's been great. Especially the last six months. Incredible. Can't get enough of each other, totally in love and it's expressed in words, cards, voice mails, texts and email. Constantly. Until three weeks ago. Her libido dissapeared and last week we talked about it. She's not happy. She's not unhappy, she's comfortable and loves being with me but the passion isn't there. She doesn't know what to tell me, and when I asked if she wanted to end it, she said, "No, people don't just wake up and throw away a relationship of this significance. Oooookay... but what then? She said she thinks that when we're watching a movie and it ends she wants to be hoping it'll be over sooner so we can make love and lay in bed together, but lately, she doesn't want it to go there. She's "comfortable and bored" and in her words, "that's not good." No kidding! I cannot imagine that it's the sex itself because that's always great. So, we decided since we both had out of town plans over the long weekend (me to my parents back east, her to a reunion with old friends) we'd just take the time off and see if it helped. Last contact was the night we arrived at our respective destinations five days ago. We're back now and we work together. She's on the second floor, I'm on the third. I know she's here 'cause I saw her car. But no contact yet. I want so bad to shoot her an email and see how her weekend was, but my gut tells me to suffer and wait and make her initiate the first contact. But why hasn't she...? We didn't break up, or at least we left it as we didn't. Perhaps, unknown to me at this point, during the time off she's decided we have broken up. We haven't spoken since last Wednesday, texed on Thurs and we haven't actually seen one another in a week. She didn't want to call it quits, but she doesn't know how to explain this loss of passion. I asked point blank if there was someone else and she said no. She's honest to a fault so I'll just go with that being true right now.
seagirl Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 If she's comfortable and bored those are good signs and bad. It's great that you two can talk about it so openly with each other, but it may be time to spice things up a bit. It doesn't have to be about sex, make it about romance. The biggest mistake people make in their relationships, I think, is that they stop trying to "win" each other. It's like, "ok I got you now I don't have to work at it any more" WRONG! Not just you, her too. Once you get someone you want you have to work at keeping them. I would go up and see her, if she is only on the 2nd floor walk upstairs and see her! Carpe deim!
Author justwantsmiles Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 Thanks for your reply. Yeah, I guess there's some good involved that we are honest with each other. But all I got outta her today is a brief description of her weekend in Cali... it was "just okay" she says, kinda dissapointing. But that's it. She left work before me, and I haven't heard from her all night. We left it last week at "we're both going away this weekend so we won't have to think about it (yeah right!) and we'll see next week." This is her break, not mine. I love her, am passionate about her, love sex with her or just hanging out -- it's her break. I think she should be the one to call an end to the break, no? All she did today was email me this morning with, "Are you back from your trip yet?" I replied with "yes" and a question about her weekend. And she replied with her description. I haven't a clue what she's up to tonight, what she's doing (other than going to the gym) or what friends she's with or if she's alone. But, what I do know is that if she wanted to be with me, she'd have called. I dunno... if I try to force a meeting I could drive her away... but ignoring her and letting her have the silence could just let her get over me while I pine away here.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 Let her be the one to end the break, and keep your distance in the meantime. She's moving at a pace she's comfortable with, and any efforts you make to affect that pace will be met with resistance right now. If you don't hear from her for a few weeks, then you'll need to understand that she has passively broken up with you (possibly the crappiest way to be dumped) - and you'll want to make the break permanent.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Let her be the one to end the break, and keep your distance in the meantime. Agreed. The majority of long term relationships have a moment like this, so it doesn't have to be the end. Although equally, it could be. Whichever, it is better for you not to pester her. Make a deliberate effort to get on with your life.
Author justwantsmiles Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Let her be the one to end the break, and keep your distance in the meantime. She's moving at a pace she's comfortable with, and any efforts you make to affect that pace will be met with resistance right now. If you don't hear from her for a few weeks, then you'll need to understand that she has passively broken up with you (possibly the crappiest way to be dumped) - and you'll want to make the break permanent. Yeah. She knows I miss her, how could she not? I will definitely let her come to me first. Passive break up isn't something I worry about. We work together, and she's too honest as it is! She might sit quiet for a while, but if she's decided to toss us out, she'll tell me.
Author justwantsmiles Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Let her be the one to end the break, and keep your distance in the meantime. She's moving at a pace she's comfortable with, and any efforts you make to affect that pace will be met with resistance right now. If you don't hear from her for a few weeks, then you'll need to understand that she has passively broken up with you (possibly the crappiest way to be dumped) - and you'll want to make the break permanent. So here's an update... she broke the silence today by asking "how are things, okay?" and we volleyed back and forth a bit until we realized (she realized) we were getting into far too deep a discussion via email. Here's her comments: Yes, my lack of interest in sex right now is a symptom, a result of another problem. And like I said, it pisses me off that this whole time it's been like, well what's wrong with [her name], and now I'm realizing that it's not me or some problem I'm having. And not that I don't love you because you don't wake up one day and not care about someone anymore, it's more that I'm not sure what I'm feeling beyond that comfort and care I feel when I'm with you. We shouldn't talk about this over work email... I need to think.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by justwantsmiles I need to think. Not a good sign, I'm afraid. But there's still hope. My advice? Back away. Now. She will think more positively of you if she has a chance to miss you. Your gut will be telling you to chase her and cling to her, so you have to trust me on this and override your gut instinct. So, be a little unavailable. Next time she tries to contact you - you're not there. You're partying. Or doing sport. Or something else which makes you a bit independent and interesting. If she catches up with you and asks why you've suddenly become unavailable, you say you still love her, but you realise that she needs the space, so you're giving it. And so-and-so called and you fancied going out or whatever. Make it casual. This passes 2 messages. 1, you're not gonna sit at home and mope. 2, more profoundly (and trust me, girls will get this) you have a life of your own and she could lose you if she prevaricates for too long. Obviously, don't actually tell her these messages. It's way more effective when she joins the dots for herself - and she will. It's still 50/50 though, I'm afraid, so you need to start thinking of the rest of your life. Get out. Have fun. Do some self-improvement. Exercise is a good one - beats frustration, but also sends her quite a frightening message if you suddenly start buffing up. And if she comes back because you give her space - keep doing it.
seagirl Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 I sort of agree with RR. If she needs space defiantly do not sit around and mope but don't start playing games either. I wouldn't start dropping hints about this or that girl that called. Just do what you want to do and if this gorl is worth it she will be back. Sometimes needing some space is just needing some space.
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