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[Wally Bee]

It's been 6+ weeks since B/U and about that long for NC.

 

For the most part I am feeling a lot better than I once did, I'm able to get a few days of peace. I started to play video games again and honestly found it's not making me all that happy. It's a great distraction to get through some harder times but honestly I feel like dodging the memories is making it come back full-force. I've made so many changes since the breakup. I've started losing weight again, I'm getting stuff done finally. Starting to enjoy some things again. I was able to finally smile at a joke which I thought for awhile I wasn't able to do again so soon. I still can't shake the anxiety, and this week is tougher b/c this would've marked our official anniversary. Last week, I tried meditation, sort of worked... I tried something even more riskier.

 

A little backstory first. I come from a different kind of family, I'm the black sheep and I don't they really know me all that well, nor are they interested in trying. From them I've developed "abandonment" issues, and figured that's where the "i'm not good enough" mentality came from. I've tried a few things over the years and come to find that in my hardest days my fears makes me revert back to that mentality. I want that version of me gone and dead. I found research in that I would be able to talk with my sub-conscious through lucid dreaming process and decided to try it again. I have accomplished it in the past and miss having lucid dreams but found that I don't like sleeping much so much that I'll stay awake til I pass out. Ok, back to the riskier thing. I finally meditated myself to a calming state and then allowed myself to slip into a sleep where I woke up and was in my own mind... only when I woke up in my dream I felt a great pain. The pain was so intense as I only managed to catch glimpses of what was around me, seeing her and myself, random bits of memories and told myself, no, willed myself to wake up. The last thing I remembered is being on the ground, hands on my head, basically trying to rip open my skull so i can escape. I tried harder and harder, it was like I was being torn in two. I would open my eyes and see my room, only to be dragged back into the dream, then room again to where I finally managed to sit up headache gone, and all was normal. no cold sweat, no panicked state, nothing but silence.

 

After that incident I felt normal for a week, I finally felt okay that she was gone. That she did me wrong and that I'm able to see her for what she is. I'll be okay is what I thought, and I know I will be okay again but this week is harder... well honestly... the holidays will be harder. I don't see things getting much easier til after new years honestly.

 

I'm okay with what I've accomplished now, I started teaching myself kickboxing, it's going pretty good so far except for sometimes hitting a little harder than I should as I some good joint soreness in my hands. I'm 5 days into atkins and already see a 5lbs difference (mostly water i bet, but also could be more if it wasn't for the muscle gain as well). it's funny to find a diet that says bacon is better for you than anything bread based. I've been reading more (by that I mean audio books) while I write code. I've been building on my future goals, things i want to build and create when i finally get enough money to buy that CNC machine I want. Overall just trying to get back to being the guy that was happy in life. It feels good finally feeling like I don't need her to be that, and I don't. She f'd up and left someone worthwhile for a what-if. I did a lot for that girl, I put more effort into that relationship than anyone else I've ever been with. I was there for her, and tried to push her to her next level only for her to step backwards. I know this sounds bitter. But she DEFINITELY did not trade up. I don't know what she's been up to for awhile and that's good, and i know I still have some resentment for what happen.

 

I treated her great, I fulfilled most of her needs. She was spoiled and happy. She loved me and no matter how much she says she didn't see a future with me, she lied. She signed to our new place, she talked about our kids being so amazing, about what she'd like for our future. She can't sit there, crying and telling me I was nothing to her in the end. She wants to be with the first love that has done nothing but use her, so be it. I'll be okay and the next person will be better than her.

 

I finally found my words for if she ever left breadcrumbs, I know she won't nor am I waiting, nor am I planning to go back to that. but...

 

"You are going to regret this, and now there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do now is go back there and start your crappy, disappointing life that will never be as happy as the one you had and could have had with me."

 

Anyways, I know I've been rambling, but it's been awhile since I've posted as I haven't had the need, but now I have. I just one more thing I want to get out into the universe. Recently I found out a long time crush is looking to break things off with her b/f as well. I've been smitten with this girl for years... 6+ at least. She's also 11 hrs away. Every time my friends bring her up to me, all I have to say is that "She's amazing". and i would say that over and over at the thought of her smile. they made fun of me asking me what she was >=/ but i knew it. She was the bar, the dream girl I've always wanted to ask out but never pursued. We have a lot in common, and love a lot of the same things. She's honestly a bit intimidating though as she has accomplished so much in life. This makes me feel like I'm not at her level, so over the years I've gotten closer, but not quite. now for the age old question...

After all the things I did right this time around only for it to fall apart anyways. I'm not sure what I have to offer her. I don't know what relationships are anymore. I made so many sacrifices for the better only for this last one to leave anyways. What do I have to offer someone who is as amazing as this one I've admired for so long. Who lives her life to the fullest regardless of her troubles, setbacks, etc. The one that makes me smile at the sound of her name. what do i have to offer? Only thing I've come up with is Me, at my full self. All the chivalrous things I love doing, all "relationship" stuff I did for this last girl feels like they don't really matter anymore. I don't understand relationships anymore, but I don't want to be alone anymore, I want the one I can laugh and talk with and will be there no matter what. The ex was clearly not that compared to this "amazing" girl, but I gave her most of my all. In the end, I can only be me.

 

 

This site and the nameless people on here have done so much for me these last 6 weeks. For those of you new here, please just listen to them and do what they say and the sun will shine again. I do wish there was more of a section of success stories of people coping well. I need those right now honestly than seeing the stories of pain. Pain begets pain for me right now.

 

Thanks for listening to the ramblings of this broken-hearted.

[Wally Bee]

I just got out of a relationship where I thought things were good. It's been 3 months since it ended and I've gotten to where I can get up and live again. It's different this time though. I feel empty. I use to have questions, trying to understand where things went wrong. What can I improve upon? What should I do next? Etc. I, who have always searched for answers and never get them finally I no longer have the questions. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I have no motivation to get up, nor any to see tomorrow. I'm not suicidal or anything, I've just lost faith in me I guess. For the first time in my life I tried to be honest with what I want and I think that's what did it. I want the "one" or someone close to it. I want the 2.5 kids with the house that I can build up from broken to amazing. I'm tired of waiting for it, as well as trying to make it happen. Neither works.

 

Truth of the matter is... I'm really terrible at dating, I see that now, maybe even terrible at relationships. I'm loyal, funny, clever, good-hearted, creative, athletic, and a lot more awesome things. But with all that I have some serious flaws that I'm starting to think I'll never conquer no matter how much I try. I strive forward with faith that things will get better. I was always told that if you do this or do that that things will work out and life will show you that love I seek. Well… where is she? I’ve done almost everything that I can think of. It’ll happen when it happens. You’ll meet the right person someday. What if I met that person and I f’d it up already? What if I never meet the right person?

 

I gratefully have had the opportunity to be part of so many happy meetings in life. I’ve seen so many people finding the love that almost storybook perfect. I’ve also seen relationships that I have no idea how they work but they do. They yell and complain but at the end of the day, they truly love each other. Not in the way where they think that’s the best they have, but because they love each enough. I’ve seen people who were on the verge of giving up on love, people who have given up on living beyond the escape of video games find each other and save each other from themselves. My room8’s are a constant reminder that it’s not always effort that makes it happen. Their love was perfect opportunity and perfect timing. I’m so glad they found each other, they saved each other from themselves. I’ve had friends who get introduced to their “soulmate”, the one who drives each other nuts and will do anything for each other. I see it everywhere, and yet… I have no faith that I’ll find it for me. Why is that? When is it my turn?!!

 

I’ve done really well for myself, and I’ll always continue to evolve into someone I’ve always wanted to be, but at the end of the day… I’m tired of being alone. I want someone to share my life with and them share theirs. What do you do when you don’t know what to look forward to anymore? I guess I do have one question. I’ve spent most of my life in solitary. In a world where I’m misunderstood. Even my parents can’t relate to me. Maybe I’m meant to be alone, maybe I’m meant to be single for a while longer. I don’t know. I guess I feel if I had questions, that there was something for me to work towards, a reason to continue b/c next time will be better than this. I just don’t see that now. I think I don’t have questions this time b/c I don’t know if I did anything wrong, or maybe I don’t want to know what I did wrong, or maybe b/c I know I’ll never get the answers I need/want. I’m just … tired.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I feel your pain, truly, as it completely resonates with me,

I often feel alone as well, so much so, I pester people to leave me be,

I don't get involved in relationships anymore, I don't see their merit,

Because I hate to be vulnerable, and then have someone use it against me and share it.

 

Life is a struggle, it always has been and will be,

Your will is what makes you move forward, albeit hesitantly,

Your own will is fading, that much is evident with your gloomy outlook,

But, I have some good news, this life is anything but shook.

 

I've come to learn that happiness not lies in your expectation,

but rather the journey there, and the completion is an epitome of the sensation,

Keep moving forward along the path of life that you chose,

For there is someone out there traveling along the same road.

 

Do not give in to temptation and doubt,

Do not let seeds of complacency to enter and sprout,

Move forward with your life, but don't forget to stop and enjoy the breeze,

For the happiness you seek lies with the journey and the tease.

[Wally Bee]

It's been quite some time since the b/u. I've been okay, not great but i'm surviving and actually starting to live again. I've been off facebook since then and my question is... while I dont want to destroy the history I have with her, I'm not sure if she should be allowed on my page anymore as far as pictures and posts. should I take them down or leave them. If i took our history together down, there will be a 2 year blank spot on my wall. Or do I just fill up my facebook with new history until it overwrites the old? Could really use some advice please. I'm thinking of doing it new year's eve as a way of ending and starting new.

[Wally Bee]

Thanks for that. It's hard. but every day I put one foot in front of the other. It's all I can do I suppose. Faith in tomorrow is hard to have right now. I do get glimpses of the sun some days and it's nice.