Should i tell my bf my ex contacted me?

[callingyouuu]

As a guy who struggles sometimes with insecurity, I also agree with not needing to tell your boyfriend, so long as you don't maintain contact with your ex. No need to stir up trouble where there isn't any.

[dads new boyfriend]

She is not <talking> to an ex in his back.

 

An ex text her to let her know about a sad event. She said thank you for letting me know. That's NOT talking to an ex. That is being relied an information.

 

If they rekindle contact and start talking regularly THAT'S something else and not the debate of this thread.

 

You must have missed this part.

I didn't really respond properly on the weekend as I had my boyfriend over the whole time. He sent a number of messages that were somewhat long. One of the messages that he sent very late at night included a heart emoji thing. I didn't really respond properly on the weekend as I had my boyfriend over the whole time. Today i messaged him. I typed out a bunch of advice about support and that sort of thing.

.

She hid it from her boyfriend that the ex had contacted her and then waited for her boyfriend to leave before responding to the ex, now she is unsure if she should continue hiding this from the boyfriend.

[kismetkismet]

Thank you everyone for your advice!

 

After I sent my ex the information and advice that he had asked for and told him that I had a boyfriend he didn't respond at all. I imagine he's a bit hurt by that fact, or his pride is wounded at least because he messaged me several times. I think that I'm not going to tell my boyfriend for now in case something related comes up. I don't want it to come across as a "sit down i need to tell you something" sort of thing. Also since my ex doesn't seem like he'll keep talking to me, I think it's even less necessary.

 

It's such a fine balance between honesty and unnecessary drama... Of course i'll never be DIShonest, but I don't want to make him worry if it's no longer relevant. I think that now that my ex knows that I'm with someone he may not be contacting me anymore. There is a chance that part of the reason he asked for my advice was really to get emotional support - not something that I can provide for him.

[Gaeta]

Thank you everyone for your advice!

 

After I sent my ex the information and advice that he had asked for and told him that I had a boyfriend he didn't respond at all. I imagine he's a bit hurt by that fact, or his pride is wounded at least because he messaged me several times. I think that I'm not going to tell my boyfriend for now in case something related comes up. I don't want it to come across as a "sit down i need to tell you something" sort of thing. Also since my ex doesn't seem like he'll keep talking to me, I think it's even less necessary.

 

It's such a fine balance between honesty and unnecessary drama... Of course i'll never be DIShonest, but I don't want to make him worry if it's no longer relevant. I think that now that my ex knows that I'm with someone he may not be contacting me anymore. There is a chance that part of the reason he asked for my advice was really to get emotional support - not something that I can provide for him.

 

I am glad you understand.

 

I had an ex contacting me when his father died. He called me out of the blue. People do these kinds of things when they are shocked by a life event.

 

If I were you I would block this ex's phone number so he doesn't contact you again. You have a man in your life now and you seem to appreciate him a great deal so why let an ex interfere and create drama. Block him and enjoy your new boyfriend.

[Versacehottie]

You must have missed this part.

 

She hid it from her boyfriend that the ex had contacted her and then waited for her boyfriend to leave before responding to the ex, now she is unsure if she should continue hiding this from the boyfriend.

 

um, as trust works for me as I'm sure it does for some other people: I have a past life, with guy friends and ex-bfs in it. I'm not cutting an entire sex of people of out of my life to sooth a bf's insecurities--a bf that needed that much reassurance would not appeal to me. Both parties probably talk to people from the other sex every now and then, as long as no one crosses the line it's fine. Talking to them, to me, is not crossing the line. Certainly not the way the OP did. It was her opportunity to tell him she had a bf and he completely backed off upon being notified. Pretty much how things go down in a loyal relationship.

[kismetkismet]

You must have missed this part.

 

She hid it from her boyfriend that the ex had contacted her and then waited for her boyfriend to leave before responding to the ex, now she is unsure if she should continue hiding this from the boyfriend.

 

I messaged him some information about cancer support groups in our city and gave him advice on how he could support the family and help them in any way. The reason he contacted me is because my sister nearly died from cancer a few years ago and so it's something I understand well... it's quite different when a young person gets cancer from when it's a grandparent or something.

 

I was not considering continuing the correspondence beyond that which is why i told him I had a boyfriend etc. So i was wondering whether it was necessary to worry my boyfriend over that when that was the end of our conversation. My ex didn't do anything wrong by messaging me (particularly since he didn't know i had a boyfriend), and i didn't do anything wrong by responding.. We're on good terms and I still respect him as a person and want him to be happy. But I also told him I have a boyfriend so that he would know that he can't rely on me for emotional support.

[Versacehottie]

I messaged him some information about cancer support groups in our city and gave him advice on how he could support the family and help them in any way. The reason he contacted me is because my sister nearly died from cancer a few years ago and so it's something I understand well... it's quite different when a young person gets cancer from when it's a grandparent or something.

 

I was not considering continuing the correspondence beyond that which is why i told him I had a boyfriend etc. So i was wondering whether it was necessary to worry my boyfriend over that when that was the end of our conversation. My ex didn't do anything wrong by messaging me (particularly since he didn't know i had a boyfriend), and i didn't do anything wrong by responding.. We're on good terms and I still respect him as a person and want him to be happy. But I also told him I have a boyfriend so that he would know that he can't rely on me for emotional support.

 

Sounds 1000% fair, loyal and trustworthy

[dads new boyfriend]

I messaged him some information about cancer support groups in our city and gave him advice on how he could support the family and help them in any way. The reason he contacted me is because my sister nearly died from cancer a few years ago and so it's something I understand well... it's quite different when a young person gets cancer from when it's a grandparent or something.

 

I was not considering continuing the correspondence beyond that which is why i told him I had a boyfriend etc. So i was wondering whether it was necessary to worry my boyfriend over that when that was the end of our conversation. My ex didn't do anything wrong by messaging me (particularly since he didn't know i had a boyfriend), and i didn't do anything wrong by responding.. We're on good terms and I still respect him as a person and want him to be happy. But I also told him I have a boyfriend so that he would know that he can't rely on me for emotional support.

I'm looking at it from your boyfriends POV. If i was in his shoes and found out that you'd been conversing with an ex behind my back i wouldn't hang around to hear the explanation no matter how harmless you deem it to be.

 

I've been in a sort of similar situation. When i was with my ex her home town was expected to flood and her ex contacted her asking how her family was and if they were going to be affected. She told me right away and even offered to let me see the conversation which i refused. My point being that she proved herself to be trustworthy and i never had any doubts whatsoever about her loyalty after that. I don't think your boyfriend would be worried if you told him, in fact it might do a lot to reassure him of your loyalty, especially considering that this is a new relationship and you stated that he's insecure. But if he saw the chat window open as you say he might have then his mind will be running riot now and he'll have a hard time trusting you.

[kismetkismet]

I'm looking at it from your boyfriends POV. If i was in his shoes and found out that you'd been conversing with an ex behind my back i wouldn't hang around to hear the explanation no matter how harmless you deem it to be.

 

I've been in a sort of similar situation. When i was with my ex her home town was expected to flood and her ex contacted her asking how her family was and if they were going to be affected. She told me right away and even offered to let me see the conversation which i refused. My point being that she proved herself to be trustworthy and i never had any doubts whatsoever about her loyalty after that. I don't think your boyfriend would be worried if you told him, in fact it might do a lot to reassure him of your loyalty, especially considering that this is a new relationship and you stated that he's insecure. But if he saw the chat window open as you say he might have then his mind will be running riot now and he'll have a hard time trusting you.

 

See this part does make sense to me. (Mind you I wouldn't offer to show him the conversation because i think he should trust me, and needing to snoop shows a lack of that.. ) If I thought that the ex was going to continue talking to me I would have told my boyfriend, but since he completely blanked me once he found out i have a boyfriend I don't think there is a chance of that. I think that i will tell him if a natural situation comes up or if my ex messages me again.

[Gaeta]

I'm looking at it from your boyfriends POV. If i was in his shoes and found out that you'd been conversing with an ex behind my back i wouldn't hang around to hear the explanation no matter how harmless you deem it to be.

 

I've been in a sort of similar situation. When i was with my ex her home town was expected to flood and her ex contacted her asking how her family was and if they were going to be affected. She told me right away and even offered to let me see the conversationwhich i refused. My point being that she proved herself to be trustworthy and i never had any doubts whatsoever about her loyalty after that. I don't think your boyfriend would be worried if you told him, in fact it might do a lot to reassure him of your loyalty, especially considering that this is a new relationship and you stated that he's insecure. But if he saw the chat window open as you say he might have then his mind will be running riot now and he'll have a hard time trusting you.

 

To me that is absolutely awful that your girlfriend feels she has to report every little thing to you AND her reporting is what builds trust in your eyes.

 

If I came across a conversation between my boyfriend and his ex, and the conversation would be him turning her down and telling her he has a new woman in his life I would be filled will respect, love and trust for him AND I would never mention to him I saw his conversation.

 

See, loyalty is not what people do in front of you, loyalty is what people don't do in your back.

[kismetkismet]

To me that is absolutely awful that your girlfriend feels she has to report every little thing to you AND her reporting is what builds trust in your eyes.

 

and THIS is the reason that I didn't tell him initially haha.. (i know i seem wishy washy, bare with me) I don't want to feel like i need to report everything to him. That makes it seem like we should both be constantly under suspicion and are prisoners to the relationship.

 

I guess it's a subtle difference.. I know that if my boyfriend did read the conversation (which he would not, and i would not suggest it) he would have no reason to be even slightly concerned. I don't want to hide anything from him, but if I'd have brought it up in the last couple of days i feel like it would have either seemed like i was trying to make him jealous, or that I thought it was more of a threat to him than it actually is. My telling him would give it more weight than it warrants. My ex is not a threat to our relationship, and my acting like he is might cause more anxiety about it.

 

I will likely tell him eventually, but I won't make a big thing of it.

[losangelena]

and THIS is the reason that I didn't tell him initially haha.. (i know i seem wishy washy, bare with me) I don't want to feel like i need to report everything to him. That makes it seem like we should both be constantly under suspicion and are prisoners to the relationship.

 

I guess it's a subtle difference.. I know that if my boyfriend did read the conversation (which he would not, and i would not suggest it) he would have no reason to be even slightly concerned. I don't want to hide anything from him, but if I'd have brought it up in the last couple of days i feel like it would have either seemed like i was trying to make him jealous, or that I thought it was more of a threat to him than it actually is. My telling him would give it more weight than it warrants. My ex is not a threat to our relationship, and my acting like he is might cause more anxiety about it.

 

I will likely tell him eventually, but I won't make a big thing of it.

 

Kismet, honestly, do what you're most comfortable with! You don't need to prove your point. You got this!

[dads new boyfriend]

If I came across a conversation between my boyfriend and his ex, and the conversation would be him turning her down I would be filled will respect, love and trust for him

She didn't turn him down though did she, it never came to that.

To me that is absolutely awful that your girlfriend feels she has to report every little thing to you

Well considering that we both had a boundary of no talking to exes, it's only respectful to let your partner know if you're going to be crossing that boundary. You may call it "reporting" but I call it being honest. I would have never talked to an ex behind her back so i expected the same back in return, that's what loyal people do. Regardless, this thread is about OP, not me and you.

loyalty is what people don't do in your back.

Exactly, that's why I encouraged OP to tell her boyfriend.

[lino]

If you aren't in regular contact with your ex boyfriend, there isn't a problem and no need to tell the current guy.

 

If all you did was wish him well with the ill relative and send him info about cancer support groups, there isn't anything wrong with that and no need to tell your current guy.

 

If you end up engaging with your ex regularly then it's maybe a good idea to tell the current fellow.