Should i tell my bf my ex contacted me?

[kismetkismet]

This may seem like a bit of a silly problem/question, but I'm just wondering what the protocol is on this kind of thing.

 

A bit of background on the ex: I ended things with my ex on very good terms. We really cared about each other, but wanted different things/were incompatible. I initiated the break up 9 months ago, but then we continued hanging out/considering getting back together up until the end of summer. Our original plan was to be friends down the line, but I told him that I needed some time because we still obviously had complicated feelings for each other.

 

About a month later I met my new boyfriend and things have been going amazingly well. I've never experienced anything like this and we're insanely happy. We've been together 3 months. I'm still not ready to be friends with my ex even though I don't have feelings for him anymore.. I just think that it would be too awkward, as well as uncomfortable for my boyfriend now.

 

However, my ex recently contacted me over the weekend because the 5 year old daughter of an old friend of his was diagnosed with a rare and deadly form of cancer. My 25 year old sister battled an aggressive form of leukemia 4 years ago and he was wondering if I had any advice of any kind. He sent a number of messages that were somewhat long and rambling and he didn't really seem to know what he was asking exactly. It's obviously a very distressing situation. One of the messages that he sent very late at night included a heart emoji thing. He doesn't really have a lot of close friends he can reach out to I don't think..

 

I didn't really respond properly on the weekend as I had my boyfriend over the whole time. the ex sent another message the next day seeming embarrassed - i'm pretty sure he was drunk when he sent a couple of them. Today i messaged him because I finally had some time. I told him that I have a boyfriend in a casual way and then typed out a bunch of advice about support and that sort of thing. He hasn't read it yet.

 

Is that something I should tell my current boyfriend? On the one hand I don't really want him to worry or feel weird, but at the same time it could be worse if he finds out later down the line. And it just feels a little odd keeping something from him. Particularly when it's not something he has to worry about at all.

[Gaeta]

He's your boyfriend, not your priest.

 

Tell the ex-boyfriend you are very sorry for the little girl and wish she will pull through it and good bye.

 

So down the road your current boyfriend learn the ex text you? You're an adult, you understand where your place is, and you handled the situation correctly. A good boyfriend will understand you can solve these little matters on your own.

[Redhead14]

This may seem like a bit of a silly problem/question, but I'm just wondering what the protocol is on this kind of thing.

 

A bit of background on the ex: I ended things with my ex on very good terms. We really cared about each other, but wanted different things/were incompatible. I initiated the break up 9 months ago, but then we continued hanging out/considering getting back together up until the end of summer. Our original plan was to be friends down the line, but I told him that I needed some time because we still obviously had complicated feelings for each other.

 

About a month later I met my new boyfriend and things have been going amazingly well. I've never experienced anything like this and we're insanely happy. We've been together 3 months. I'm still not ready to be friends with my ex even though I don't have feelings for him anymore.. I just think that it would be too awkward, as well as uncomfortable for my boyfriend now.

 

However, my ex recently contacted me over the weekend because the 5 year old daughter of an old friend of his was diagnosed with a rare and deadly form of cancer. My 25 year old sister battled an aggressive form of leukemia 4 years ago and he was wondering if I had any advice of any kind. He sent a number of messages that were somewhat long and rambling and he didn't really seem to know what he was asking exactly. It's obviously a very distressing situation. One of the messages that he sent very late at night included a heart emoji thing. He doesn't really have a lot of close friends he can reach out to I don't think..

 

I didn't really respond properly on the weekend as I had my boyfriend over the whole time. the ex sent another message the next day seeming embarrassed - i'm pretty sure he was drunk when he sent a couple of them. Today i messaged him because I finally had some time. I told him that I have a boyfriend in a casual way and then typed out a bunch of advice about support and that sort of thing. He hasn't read it yet.

 

Is that something I should tell my current boyfriend? On the one hand I don't really want him to worry or feel weird, but at the same time it could be worse if he finds out later down the line. And it just feels a little odd keeping something from him. Particularly when it's not something he has to worry about at all.

 

Transparency in a relationship bolsters trust. You should tell your current BF that your ex has been in touch with you, the purpose of the communication and how you responded.

[kgcolonel]

Depending upon how serious you are, assuming you have had the exclusive talk and all, that absolutely, yes, I would tell him. This will get dicey if you're not really really careful. I might even consider copying him on all correspondence to ensure both he and your EX knew where things stand.

 

this for your EX would be a time where he might try to cross boundries as a result of the illness.

[Gaeta]

Depending upon how serious you are, assuming you have had the exclusive talk and all, that absolutely, yes, I would tell him. This will get dicey if you're not really really careful. I might even consider copying him on all correspondence to ensure both he and your EX knew where things stand.

 

this for your EX would be a time where he might try to cross boundries as a result of the illness.

 

Are you serious???? Who does that??? couples that TRUST each other don't need to put each other on cc. OH my lord !!

 

She is a grown woman she can handle him 'on her own'.

[kismetkismet]

I'm not going to add my bf in on the conversation.. They are both mature and understanding guys, we're all in our late 20s early 30s.

 

I'm not going to continue being an emotional support to my ex because that's not really my place. But I offered him some advice and I think my tone and the content of it implied that that was sort of it. I think that knowing I have a boyfriend will discourage him anyway.

 

There's also a small possibility that my boyfriend saw the chat window open on my computer (he messaged me over fb). He wouldn't have read it, but may have seen the name.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I would just have replied being kinda vague... sorry you're having these problems, I hope things improve soon, and leave it at that. Then tell your boyfriend. I think transparency is important as most people would be curious to know if their partner's ex contacted them, especially if it was a recent and messy split. You know your boyfriend better than anyone, you should know whether he'd want to know this info or whether he's horizontally chilled about this kind of thing. But, play on the safe side, it's just respect.

 

Additionally, if you say nothing, later on down the line you'll end up slipping up, either the ex keeps contacting and you tell your boyfriend and have to say the contact has been going on for weeks or months and he'll wonder why you never said anything, or maybe you'll bump into him when you're out together and your ex will say something about the recent contact and your partner might feel misled.

 

Nothing wrong per say with contact with exes, as long as both parties are open and transparent and comfortable with it. Hiding it smacks of something to hide.

[kismetkismet]

I would just have replied being kinda vague... sorry you're having these problems, I hope things improve soon, and leave it at that. Then tell your boyfriend. I think transparency is important as most people would be curious to know if their partner's ex contacted them, especially if it was a recent and messy split. You know your boyfriend better than anyone, you should know whether he'd want to know this info or whether he's horizontally chilled about this kind of thing. But, play on the safe side, it's just respect.

 

Additionally, if you say nothing, later on down the line you'll end up slipping up, either the ex keeps contacting and you tell your boyfriend and have to say the contact has been going on for weeks or months and he'll wonder why you never said anything, or maybe you'll bump into him when you're out together and your ex will say something about the recent contact and your partner might feel misled.

 

Nothing wrong per say with contact with exes, as long as both parties are open and transparent and comfortable with it. Hiding it smacks of something to hide.

 

That's a really good point about if he keeps contacting me or if we run into each other... I made the message seem as though it wasn't part of a conversation. I just told him about some cancer support stuff in our city, and how to help the family when he can (from my experience). If he does continue looking for support from me I will definitely discourage it and explain that I can't really do that very much. It's one thing to offer advice based on my experience, and another to be a personal emotional support to him.

[Omei]

He's your boyfriend, not your priest.

 

Tell the ex-boyfriend you are very sorry for the little girl and wish she will pull through it and good bye.

 

So down the road your current boyfriend learn the ex text you? You're an adult, you understand where your place is, and you handled the situation correctly. A good boyfriend will understand you can solve these little matters on your own.

 

I agree with this ESPECIALLY since your new relationship is just starting you don't want to complicate it so wish him well and goodbye.

 

You are not ready, you said so and its not your job to be there for him anymore he should be finding someone else to talk about his life situations.

[wb1988]

He's your boyfriend, not your priest.

OP think twice about anyone that makes mocking statements like this.

 

 

If you tell your bf everything then it gets rid of any possibility of him being suspicious of you. If you don't tell him then it can only create problems down the road.

 

If the situation was exchanged would you expect him to tell you?

 

your new relationship is just starting you don't want to complicate it

Better now then when the relationship is serious, because then the bf will feel like he has to 'fight for' a girl that he shouldn't have to fight over. Also if the OP is attractive then I think most guys expect this sort of thing to happen at the start of a relationship anyway.

Edited December 14, 2015 by wb1988

[Versacehottie]

Hmmmm i was going to say don't say anything---Unless the ex bf stays in contact. You haven't done anything wrong. Even the ex-bf hasn't done anything wrong. I think full transparency is not necessary in this case. BUT if there's even the slightest chance that your bf saw the FB window open to ex-bf, yes you should let him know what happened (tonight). Just mention it casually and that it's not a big deal and that you would let him know if the ex does anything out of line but this didn't have any vibe like that. Err of side of compassion for your bf and safety of the relationship in this case.

 

If there was no chance that he'd seen anything or knew your ex had been in contact, i wouldn't say anything for same reason: err on side of safety of relationship--why plant unnecessary seeds and seem like you like drama (i know you don't kismet!).

 

As for "trust" in a relationship, IMO you do not earn trust by giving your partner complete access to everything going on in your life and brain, cell phone and email, period. People who need that to feel secure are never satisfied and it's not a way of life I would recommend living or setting up a pattern of. OP did nothing dishonest nor outside the boundaries of a committed relationship. If she were to tell her bf now, it's only so his mind doesn't run with it and that's because he possibly has knowledge but not fully nor explained.

[Imajerk17]

Have you and your bf discussed having friends of the opposite gender? What about being friends with exes? Have you come to any agreed-upon ground rules about that already?

 

I think that is the big question and an appropriate conversation to be having if you haven't discussed it already. I personally think staying friends w exes is fine, as long as it's not *close* friends.

 

I really think this is no big deal. Would you tell your boyfriend the news you heard about your friend's daughter had the news come from e.g., your mom? If so just say that your ex contacted you to tell you the news that you had of a daughter of an old friend. Otherwise no need to tell your boyfriend, unless the two of you both agreed that no contact with any exes (see above).

[kismetkismet]

Better now then when the relationship is serious, because then the bf will feel like he has to 'fight for' a girl that he shouldn't have to fight over. Also if the OP is attractive then I think most guys expect this sort of thing to happen at the start of a relationship anyway.

 

The relationship is new, but it's pretty serious for how new it is. We spend most nights together and he's met my family and all that. We said a love you 6 weeks in. I know it's obviously still *new* in terms of length, but we've had a lot of very in depth emotional discussion and connection and are already very much a part of each others lives. (just saying this for reference).

 

I feel like i would want him to tell me? just because with the amount of time that we spend together and how much we know about each others lives it might seem like too deliberate of an omission..

[kismetkismet]

As for "trust" in a relationship, IMO you do not earn trust by giving your partner complete access to everything going on in your life and brain, cell phone and email, period. People who need that to feel secure are never satisfied and it's not a way of life I would recommend living or setting up a pattern of. OP did nothing dishonest nor outside the boundaries of a committed relationship. If she were to tell her bf now, it's only so his mind doesn't run with it and that's because he possibly has knowledge but not fully nor explained.

 

The reason i WOULD omit however is that i very much agree with the above. I don't think that trust means you should let each other go through each others phones or anything. And I think that it is sometimes more kind to omit certain things that truly are harmless. Just so that they don't have unnecessary worries etc.

[kismetkismet]

Have you and your bf discussed having friends of the opposite gender? What about being friends with exes? Have you come to any agreed-upon ground rules about that already?

 

My best friend is a guy, and he's fine with it. The three of us have hung out quite a bit and he's not jealous at all.

 

I wouldn't say that we have come up with ground rules on this, but he has said that he personally doesn't like to have things linger too much. He likes clean breaks and to not be close friends with his exes. I don't think he would STOP me, or be angry, because he's not controlling. But it could cause tension and fear for him which I don't want.

[kismetkismet]

I guess the thing with his level of jealousy as well is that he tries really hard to be rational and understanding with things, but I can see him flinch and get distressed when guys hit on me or look at me in public. He notices it more than I do and sometimes I wonder if as many guys are 'leering' at me as he claims haha. He was a bit insecure in the beginning of the relationship because he was very much all in right away and I tried to ease into things a bit more. I was deciding the pace of the relationship anyway - i know we ended up moving things really quickly in the end.

 

(sorry for posting all of these separately, i'm really bad with the quotes bit)

[Versacehottie]

The reason i WOULD omit however is that i very much agree with the above. I don't think that trust means you should let each other go through each others phones or anything. And I think that it is sometimes more kind to omit certain things that truly are harmless. Just so that they don't have unnecessary worries etc.

 

Yes I know from your posts etc that we think similarly and I 100% agree. I think sometimes to let partners in on that stuff when is harmless (as this was at this point) is an attempt to create jealousy OR does plant seed of jealousy! As long as you know you are not crossing any lines with the ex-bf, or other guys, you're good. I always know I could handle things that come my way and know I have every intention of being loyal, which is not the same as letting my bf know everything. I would not want to be in a relationship where that level of control and inspection was a part of the deal. No thank you. Like you said, harmless.

 

In this case, the only reason it's not harmless is that he may have seen the screen so slip it into the conversation to explain yourself and alleviate any worries or confusion he might have. Good luck.

[kgcolonel]

Are you serious???? Who does that??? couples that TRUST each other don't need to put each other on cc. OH my lord !!

 

She is a grown woman she can handle him 'on her own'.

 

She asked the question. I am thinking she wanted to know from a perspective BF's point of view...this is a new relationship....better to keep things clear with both the EX and with her BF.

 

To each their own....I stand by my original response, thank you.

[MoreAmore]

Transparency never hurts.

I would tell him. It shouldn't be an issue.

 

It would never bother me, but I'd expect to be told.

I always tell.

[losangelena]

I would mention it only if it were relevant to your new BF. As in, if your ex was in contact to try and rekindle something with you, for instance, or if it's news about something all three of you are abreast of.

 

Otherwise ... If you're just doing it because he MAY have seen your chat screen window on FB, then that almost makes it seem like you feel guilty or something.

[phineas]

Are you serious???? Who does that??? couples that TRUST each other don't need to put each other on cc. OH my lord !!

 

She is a grown woman she can handle him 'on her own'.

 

 

I have to agree with this 100%.

As long as the ex is back where he belongs, out of her life then no need to stir up trouble.

 

If an ex contacted me I would handle it & not mention it because we know most women would lose their chit hearing about it and it's pointless.

 

As long as she knew I was with someone and was back out of my life why even mention it?

[Popsicle]

It depends on whether or not you plan on continuing contact with this ex. If not, there is no need to tell your BF. Just wish the ex well and say goodbye. If he keeps contacting you, ignore him after that.

[dads new boyfriend]

Of course you should tell him.

As for "trust" in a relationship, IMO you do not earn trust by giving your partner complete access to everything going on in your life and brain, cell phone and email, period.

Talking to an ex behind the boyfriends back is shady and a good way to lose trust.

Edited December 15, 2015 by dads new boyfriend

[Gaeta]

Of course you should tell him.

 

Talking to an ex behind the boyfriends back is shady and a good way to lose trust.

 

She is not <talking> to an ex in his back.

 

An ex text her to let her know about a sad event. She said thank you for letting me know. That's NOT talking to an ex. That is being relied an information.

 

If they rekindle contact and start talking regularly THAT'S something else and not the debate of this thread.

[Diezel]

Allowing the possibility of an ex to contact you is definitely NOT going to help your current boyfriend with his "insecurity issue".

 

Think about it.