HomeBody Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Good day, I wrote this post to gain perspective from others, perhaps even maybe examples of how others have handled this situation. I did NOT write to be ridiculed or asked what the hell I am thinking, so please no responses to that tone. My SO has 6 kids for 4 women. His oldest son in 23, he has three teenagers 15 - 18, and 2 younger boys, 8 & 9. I have two kids, aged 6 & 8. He has been, and continues to be, an active parent in their lives. His oldest son's mother (the only child they share) is very involved in his youngest kids lives (8 & 9 year old). She attends special events, buys their wardrobes, and has them stay with her frequently. I feel that she has established such a close relationship with the kids so that she remains a part of his life, even when she really has no reason to. Nonetheless this is something I am reluctantly getting over (her relationship with them). Here is the problem. My SO and his youngest two boys moved in with my family 6 months ago. When he lived on his own, he had no problem with his kids mothers coming over the house to shoot the breeze, in fact, he encouraged it. He says his home is an open place where anyone can come. Now as his woman, and sharing my home with him, I do NOT find this acceptable. I do not want his kids mothers coming into my home, unless there is a specific need to. However, they have no problem with walking through my doors, through my home, and socializing. Just this weekend, his oldest son's mother came to get clothes for the boys, as they were hanging with her that day. She walked right in my door, through my kitchen and took a seat in the living room. I could see her resisting the urge to walk straight in the bedroom to pick out clothing. I was appalled! I asked my SO to kindly have her wait outside in the future, and his response was that's why we cant live together. Really? I can't understand why any of his kids mothers need to invade MY home. He feels that's the way things have always been, so why should they change? I feel he is worrying about their needs and feelings instead of how I feel about the situation. I have made lots of adjustments in my own thinking and being to accommodate how close he is with his kids mothers - but I refuse to open my home.
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Compromise. Let them in, but be sure they've given you advance warning. This is YOUR home-space - but I would imagine you're ok with your SO having moved in with you, and his two boys too. Only, you're not their mother. Where else do you expect them to go? This is the problem with marrying (or moving in with) someone who already has an established family system. You have no kids together, so - harsh as it may sound - they come first. Always. And their mothers need access to them. You're either going to have to come to an agreeable compromise, or get him to move out. Either way, please keep this in mind: No matter where he lives, his children come first. And if that means allowing their mothers access to them, you're either going to have to suck something up, or move someone out. Really - why was this not all in the open before he moved in with you - ?!
Author HomeBody Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Compromise. Let them in, but be sure they've given you advance warning. THis is YOUR home-space - but I would imagine you're ok with your SO having moved in with you, and his two boys too. Only, you're not their mother. Where else do you expect them to go? This is the problem with marrying (or moving in with) someone who already has an established family system. You have no kids together, so - harsh as it may sound - they come first. Always. And their mothers need access to them. You're either going to have to come to an agreeable compromise, or get him to move out. Either way, please keep this in mind: No matter where he lives, his children come first. And if that means allowing their mothers access to them, you're either going to have to suck something up, or move someone out. Really - why was this not all in the open before he moved in with you - ?! Perhaps I could compromise - they can knock, wait for someone to answer the door, and THEN come in. Not just walk through my doors. They act as if its HIS space only, with no regard that he lives with someone else. And its getting HIM to give me advance warning - but he feels its none of my business. I can't see how when they are coming to MY home. And your right, the mothers do NEED access to their kids. Only my issue is that this MOTHER is not the KIDS mother. Her son is a MAN and has never even been to my house - she has no reason to come here. He claims that the relationship between her and his youngest sons has nothing to do with me - then I feel it should not be bought into my home. Additionally, we do have a child together. I purposefully omitted this for the sake of not being judged. Our child is 9 months. This mother also tries to establish a relationship with our child - I do not want this, particularly because she is not so accepting of my other two kids. No they don't have anything to do with her - well neither does the child I share with her son's father. This issue was discussed before he moved in. And really it was a factor for him to decide to move in. But I did make it clear well before him moving that this was not something I would tolerate. But its obviously not something he respects. And its not just about the kids. He feels they can pop in whenever and for whatever, because they are FRIENDS. The children don't even have to be around. Sorry for the caps, just trying to be clear. Not being mean.
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 So he's listening to you - but just not hearing you. I'm almost sorry you guys have a child together - that really does complicate matters, because it's now not just a case of getting him to comply or leave. I know you said you didn't want judgement in your first post, but really, this guy is a bit liberal with his sperm. So he has 7 children with 5 women. Doesn't look very responsible 'on paper' does it? No matter how involved he is with all his children, he is still producing them without any thought of consequences to the women he's impregnating. What will happen if he either refuses to compromise or simply carries on ignorantly doing what he wants because he believes he's entitled? If you get him to move out, because you can't tolerate the situation, that's yet another woman he's literally left holding the baby. You now have three children to whom you are eternally connected, both physically and psychologically. It's always easier - and always has been - for the menfolk to hold a more.... 'cavalier' attitude.... 1
Author HomeBody Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 So he's listening to you - but just not hearing you. I'm almost sorry you guys have a child together - that really does complicate matters, because it's now not just a case of getting him to comply or leave. I know you said you didn't want judgement in your first post, but really, this guy is a bit liberal with his sperm. So he has 7 children with 5 women. Doesn't look very responsible 'on paper' does it? No matter how involved he is with all his children, he is still producing them without any thought of consequences to the women he's impregnating. What will happen if he either refuses to compromise or simply carries on ignorantly doing what he wants because he believes he's entitled? If you get him to move out, because you can't tolerate the situation, that's yet another woman he's literally left holding the baby. You now have three children to whom you are eternally connected, both physically and psychologically. It's always easier - and always has been - for the menfolk to hold a more.... 'cavalier' attitude.... Thanks. He has never left any woman holding the baby - he has been the main custodial parent for most of their lives (the youngest two live with us, one teenager JUST moved to his grannies house over the summer, two teenagers are overseas in college) and one is now living on his own. He knows unlike his other kids mothers, I would not allow him to have custody of our child. To be honest, sometimes I wonder if this is why he moved in with me.
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 I know it's really, really easy in hindsight to say that a man with that many partners, with children, should have a Government Health Warning attached... It's not always obvious when you develop deep feelings for someone, to permit common sense to come in, when it's frantically knocking at the door.... I would be asking myself - how come? How come he has so many women with his children - and he's not with any of them? You may have had his reasons and explanations, but what's their version of why they're all single mums? What made him so 'charming' that they felt quite happy bearing his kids but not having their dad around permanently? I would be sure they all have a different tale to tell. Furthermore, you may find theirs differ markedly from his versions.... I'm very sorry you find yourself in this predicament. He seems to be having his cake, eating it - and getting you to sweep up all the crumbs....
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Ok, sorry.... it seems we posted simultaneously...Thanks. He has never left any woman holding the baby - he has been the main custodial parent for most of their lives (the youngest two live with us, one teenager JUST moved to his grannies house over the summer, two teenagers are overseas in college) and one is now living on his own. He knows unlike his other kids mothers, I would not allow him to have custody of our child. To be honest, sometimes I wonder if this is why he moved in with me. What you say obviously puts a mildly different slant on things, but I'm still concerned as to his 'playing power'. Making all those kids seems very trigger-happy, (but obviously I'm just basing this on what I've read here....) If that IS his motivation for moving in with you, I find it a bit odd. But if he's a bit of a 'mother hen'.... then really.... using YOUR nest is definitely a bit rich! Does he not have the means to have his own place? How was he coping before?
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 He might be a good dad but he doesn't seem like a great partner. I'd be furious if people just waltzed into my house. My EX-BF had a family like that. Aunts, uncles & cousins would just show up & walk in. It drove me nuts. After a few instances of this I called a family meeting & announced the rules of MY house: call 1st & knock. Anybody who violated both rules would not be admitted. I actually refused to let one of his aunts in once. Since he's not listening start locking your doors & you speak directly to these people. It is YOUR HOUSE after all.
Author HomeBody Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 I know it's really, really easy in hindsight to say that a man with that many partners, with children, should have a Government Health Warning attached... It's not always obvious when you develop deep feelings for someone, to permit common sense to come in, when it's frantically knocking at the door.... I would be asking myself - how come? How come he has so many women with his children - and he's not with any of them? You may have had his reasons and explanations, but what's their version of why they're all single mums? What made him so 'charming' that they felt quite happy bearing his kids but not having their dad around permanently? I would be sure they all have a different tale to tell. Furthermore, you may find theirs differ markedly from his versions.... I'm very sorry you find yourself in this predicament. He seems to be having his cake, eating it - and getting you to sweep up all the crumbs.... I appreciate your response. He was only ever in a relationship with one of them, to whom he was engaged. He broke it off because she was more focused on her modeling career than raising her family. They all maintain close relationships with him, perhaps, in my opinion, because they still want to be HIS. I'm talking outside of the kids. And now that the oldest child is a man, I believe his mother established the relationship with the younger kids to remain tied. None of them are single moms. - he has been the single parent, providing the most for them both financially and in terms of care and decision making. THIS is what attracted me to him. I wanted that for my kids - as a single mother. But you are so right.
Author HomeBody Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Ok, sorry.... it seems we posted simultaneously... What you say obviously puts a mildly different slant on things, but I'm still concerned as to his 'playing power'. Making all those kids seems very trigger-happy, (but obviously I'm just basing this on what I've read here....) If that IS his motivation for moving in with you, I find it a bit odd. But if he's a bit of a 'mother hen'.... then really.... using YOUR nest is definitely a bit rich! Does he not have the means to have his own place? How was he coping before? No problem - I simultaneously responded to your last thread. No, he in NO way needs me. He had his own place before, he is contributing more now than he had to there, and he supports his mom. So no, that is not the motivation. Based on his history with women, our mutual friends always try to assure me he is there because he WANTS to be - he left everyone else. But, again, they are different than me when it comes to the kids - so not 100% confident riding on that.
Author HomeBody Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 He might be a good dad but he doesn't seem like a great partner. I'd be furious if people just waltzed into my house. My EX-BF had a family like that. Aunts, uncles & cousins would just show up & walk in. It drove me nuts. After a few instances of this I called a family meeting & announced the rules of MY house: call 1st & knock. Anybody who violated both rules would not be admitted. I actually refused to let one of his aunts in once. Since he's not listening start locking your doors & you speak directly to these people. It is YOUR HOUSE after all. I guess this is what I would have to do. And honestly, its no disrespect to them. I really don't have any personal ill feelings towards them, I just don't want to be FRIENDS. I don't want to be regarded on the same level in terms of relationship with my SO. I just feel there is some level of respect not only me, but my relationship should be given.
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