Pamvhv Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Hi there! I'm new to the forums. I really need some advice. A year ago I met a really nice guy online. We went on a few dates and it was obvious we had a lot in common. We started spending a lot more time together and after a month we decided to stop seeing other people and see where it goes. Everything was fantastic. About 8 months into the relationship our leases were ending at the same time. We moved in together in June. Some background information. He's 37 and I'm 35. He has kidney failure and does dialysis every night. I had a divorce with a husband that cheated and I have two kids. He had one relationship in his 20s. She broke up with him and he never really got over it. After we moved in everything changed. Reality set in and Peter Pan couldn't handle it. He left once and felt horrible after a week and came back. 10 weeks later he left again. That was two weeks ago. He's been distant and aloof. The holidays make it worse. We went out to dinner last night and it was great. He wants to see a movie Tuesday and wants to keep our family tickets for Star Wars on Sunday. Also we're keeping our Christmas plans. He is playing online games with a group of people he recently connected with. Part of me thinks he thinks one of those gamer girls may be interested in him. Reality is hard for him. He moved out of his mom's but he lived in a house with three other guys. Then he moved in with me. He loves online gaming and we scheduled four nights a week for it. (or more depending but definitely at least 4 nights) Our relationship is pretty great aside from these freak outs he has. And I know after twice I should tell him where he can go in a handbasket but I do really enjoy spending time with him. I'm not a weepy mess. I'm very logical about this one. I'd really just love some advice.
Silver_star Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Well if you are okay with the relationship as it is then continue to be a door mat by being randomly disappointed and accepting of him leaving from time to time or freaking out, or taking advantage of you. That's what it boils down to. You either accept that treatment or you don't. If you don't like it I would advise not only telling him, but SHOWING him exactly what he will be missing out on, and break up with him. He is old enough to know better. He lost one girl before and maybe that was due to his behavior? He is a grown man. He needs some consequences. 4
Amelie1980 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Hello I am sorry you are going through this. Sorry to hear he is sick too. That must be hard. But you have to think of yourself. Will he really make you happy long term? He has already left you twice and you have to allow more than half the week for him to be online gaming? He is 37 not 17. Is this what you want long term? What are you getting out of it? Constant stress over him leaving maybe again and having him spend more than half the week online gaming. What does he do to make you happy? 1
Mrin Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Amazing what people will put up with. Do you, as a single mom with two kids, think that a guy like this is right for you? You need a grown ass man. Not a failure to launch. 5
Author Pamvhv Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 I don't really mind how he spends his time so much. I spend mine parenting and I have hobbies and friends as well that I like to do things with. I suppose I may be having trouble with this because of the holidays and being so far away from any family. He just doesn't know how to adult... If he could figure that out he'd make a great partner. We have a lot of fun together and we don't have fights or major issues.
Amelie1980 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 You've got 2 kids....you need a man not a third kid. 1
mightycpa Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Does he make any money at gaming? Is he world-renowned? If not, bounce him. He should be building something at this stage in his life; a career, a business, a relationship with your family, something substantial. Instead, he's got his head stuck up a virtual ass, AND he's not committed. What kind of advice are you looking for anyway? 2
Amelie1980 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Does he make any money at gaming? Is he world-renowned? If not, bounce him. He should be building something at this stage in his life; a career, a business, a relationship with your family, something substantial. Instead, he's got his head stuck up a virtual ass, AND he's not committed. What kind of advice are you looking for anyway? The guy has renal failure and needs nightly dialysis. Im no expert but maybe his illness has held him back from career plans. It wouldn't stop him building a good relationship if he wanted to though.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Personally, I'm not sure what you're asking. You painted a picture of a man-child but declared you're fine with everything apart from his occasional "freak outs". You know what you should do but you won't because you enjoy his company too much. So what's the problem? You can't wave a magic wand and turn him into the adult he should be at this age. No one has the power to change another person no matter how much we want to so as already stated by others, you either accept what is or move on. Seems pretty simple to me. 1
Author Pamvhv Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 The guy has renal failure and needs nightly dialysis. Im no expert but maybe his illness has held him back from career plans. It wouldn't stop him building a good relationship if he wanted to though. I wish that were the case but the renal failure is recent. A year and a half. He's been in the same dead-end job for 12 years. At first I thought of it as stability but it barely pays enough for a semi-comfortable life with roommates in our very expensive geographic area. I guess I mainly wanted advice on whether sticking it out because I do enjoy him is worth it. He isn't controlling, I can do whatever I please whenever I please. He doesn't need a ton of attention (I like to read and I work two high profile jobs so time isn't something I have in abundance). But I do get tired of paying 2/3 of everything instead of 1/2. And because all my friends and family are on the other side of the country I miss adult interaction when he's not around.
grammiann Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Hi Pam - Have you asked yourself what you really want in a relationship? Are you looking for commitment, and stability for yourself and your children? Realistically, do you foresee this with this guy? 2
VeveCakes Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Sounds like you are the back up until other gamer girls come along, you deserve better than this! You know that already though... 2
Author Pamvhv Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 You guys are right. Ripping the band-aid off and letting it go. Kids won't have a big family Christmas as it's just us three out here but we'll make due on our own. 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I wish that were the case but the renal failure is recent. A year and a half. He's been in the same dead-end job for 12 years. At first I thought of it as stability but it barely pays enough for a semi-comfortable life with roommates in our very expensive geographic area. I guess I mainly wanted advice on whether sticking it out because I do enjoy him is worth it. He isn't controlling, I can do whatever I please whenever I please. He doesn't need a ton of attention (I like to read and I work two high profile jobs so time isn't something I have in abundance). But I do get tired of paying 2/3 of everything instead of 1/2. And because all my friends and family are on the other side of the country I miss adult interaction when he's not around. He isnt controlling or need a ton of attention because he doesn't care enough about you to crave your presence. The fact he's left you twice says it all. 2
Amelie1980 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Sounds like you are the back up until other gamer girls come along, you deserve better than this! You know that already though... That's assuming anyone would have him. What does he have to offer anyone. 2
Diezel Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 So you want an adult but stay with him and hope he turns into an adult? How about you go find someone who has it already figured out? I swear, this "I can be the one to change him" disease is more rampant than ever. 1
Standard-Fare Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Aside from the picture you paint showing that you are not completely satisfied with this relationship, it's clear that your BF isn't either. He's straight-up ditched the scene not only once but twice since you moved into together. (Which, by the way, is a really immature and hurtful way of handling things.) I'm just not getting the vibe here of a healthy and successful relationship. And if you had that you wouldn't be on here expressing such doubts. Whether or not things are bad enough that you have to bail, that's up to you -- only know if the bad outweighs the good. But it's obvious you're opening your mind to that potential option. 2
Chronotrgr Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Wow there are some harsh replies here, I cannot in any way condone the guy for bailing the house and I imagine this is what drives you up the wall with insecurity, I have no doubt that it can probably get hard, living under a roof with 2 kids can be tough especially if he isn't well, my dad had problems with his kidneys, it crippled him at times, as for the gaming, most games now are online, gaming has come a long way since world of Warcraft began, it's hard to scold someone for doing something they love, I certainly never could, although it used to annoy me at times, my ex who I had a child with would often hog the TV and play monster hunter for hours on end, I used to get in to arguments with her about it, then I tried it for myself and sank 300+ hours in to it LOL gaming is much more part of life now than it was when I was growing up. Honestly though, in an adult relationship, unless you really mean it, you don't resort to moving out or ending the relationship on a whim, I would make that crystal clear if you ever wind up living together again, 3 strikes and your out. 2
Author Pamvhv Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 So you want an adult but stay with him and hope he turns into an adult? How about you go find someone who has it already figured out? I swear, this "I can be the one to change him" disease is more rampant than ever. I don't think I ever said anywhere I think I can change him. I don't really want to change anything about him. My questions are whether Peter Pan's can grow into being able to handle adult emotions.
Amelie1980 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I don't think I ever said anywhere I think I can change him. I don't really want to change anything about him. My questions are whether Peter Pan's can grow into being able to handle adult emotions. If he was 27 I'd say maybe but even then..... This guy is 37. If he hasnt grown up by now, I think that is just who he is! 2
dreamingoftigers Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 The random leaving is really anxiety producing and will wear you down. It also greatly reduces trust. I had a very similar pattern in my own marriage and it only gets worse. It's awful! In fact, envision this, the day after Boxing Day last year my husband "freaks out" pretty much out of the blue and leaves me and daughter in another city. Doesn't come back until after New Year's. Granted that "freak out" was an alcohol relapse. I drop-kicked him after that (not literally!) And he then took about two months until dedicating to getting sober / working out conflict issues. I let him back in June after considerable progress, but today we have out last marital counseling appointment before holidays. What will be the topic of the day? Heavy anxiety over going away with him for holidays. Very heavy triggering regarding this. Very hurt feelings. He didn't even start the disappearing until 4-5 years into our marriage (been together 11 years). It was an ingrained pattern previously but didn't show up until after the birth of our daughter, who is now six. Your bf is showing you EARLY how he is going to handle family stress and conflict. And it looks terrible. I would ask my worst enemy to stay in this relationship. 2
Author Pamvhv Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 The random leaving is really anxiety producing and will wear you down. It also greatly reduces trust. I had a very similar pattern in my own marriage and it only gets worse. It's awful! In fact, envision this, the day after Boxing Day last year my husband "freaks out" pretty much out of the blue and leaves me and daughter in another city. Doesn't come back until after New Year's. Granted that "freak out" was an alcohol relapse. I drop-kicked him after that (not literally!) And he then took about two months until dedicating to getting sober / working out conflict issues. I let him back in June after considerable progress, but today we have out last marital counseling appointment before holidays. What will be the topic of the day? Heavy anxiety over going away with him for holidays. Very heavy triggering regarding this. Very hurt feelings. He didn't even start the disappearing until 4-5 years into our marriage (been together 11 years). It was an ingrained pattern previously but didn't show up until after the birth of our daughter, who is now six. Your bf is showing you EARLY how he is going to handle family stress and conflict. And it looks terrible. I would ask my worst enemy to stay in this relationship. He did leave on my daughter's birthday and is making Christmas hell. Like I said we had a great night out Sunday. It was fun. Best we've had in a while. Last night however I went to see Creed with him. Except when I got to his work he was quiet and distant. He said he was tired. So I said we should skip the movie. We ate a really really fast awkward dinner at the first place he saw and then he took me back to my car and I was home at 8. Four more events and I'm out. I packed up most of the remainder of his things last night. For me that was a huge step. Sunday - Star Wars 23rd Friendmas Christmas Day after Christmas cousin party
Diezel Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I don't think I ever said anywhere I think I can change him. I don't really want to change anything about him. My questions are whether Peter Pan's can grow into being able to handle adult emotions. Nope, which means that you are expecting change... which means you are expecting to be part of that change. If it hasn't happened now, it's not going to happen. Move on.
mightycpa Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Wow there are some harsh replies here, I cannot in any way condone the guy for bailing the house and I imagine this is what drives you up the wall with insecurity, I have no doubt that it can probably get hard, living under a roof with 2 kids can be tough especially if he isn't well, my dad had problems with his kidneys, it crippled him at times, as for the gaming, most games now are online, gaming has come a long way since world of Warcraft began, it's hard to scold someone for doing something they love, I certainly never could, although it used to annoy me at times, my ex who I had a child with would often hog the TV and play monster hunter for hours on end, I used to get in to arguments with her about it, then I tried it for myself and sank 300+ hours in to it LOL gaming is much more part of life now than it was when I was growing up. Honestly though, in an adult relationship, unless you really mean it, you don't resort to moving out or ending the relationship on a whim, I would make that crystal clear if you ever wind up living together again, 3 strikes and your out.If living under the same roof as your GF mom of 2 kids who ain't yours isn't your idea of joy, then that should tell you something. It might be hard, but with a GF that partially supports you monetarily (meaning you live better now than you would otherwise unless you can find same with less baggage), you might be willing to put in some effort to make it a little less difficult.... and that doesn't happen when you bury yourself in gaming or whatever allows you to escape from the people you live with. And with all due respect, what she's talking about doesn't sound like a whim. She's being thoughtful, and the choice seems to be "loser who doesn't engage with us" vs. "we'll see what comes along next". To me, the call isn't even close.
Author Pamvhv Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 If living under the same roof as your GF mom of 2 kids who ain't yours isn't your idea of joy, then that should tell you something. It might be hard, but with a GF that partially supports you monetarily (meaning you live better now than you would otherwise unless you can find same with less baggage), you might be willing to put in some effort to make it a little less difficult.... and that doesn't happen when you bury yourself in gaming or whatever allows you to escape from the people you live with. And with all due respect, what she's talking about doesn't sound like a whim. She's being thoughtful, and the choice seems to be "loser who doesn't engage with us" vs. "we'll see what comes along next". To me, the call isn't even close. That's a lot of imagination you have there . The kids and I are pretty easy as far as that goes. The young one is 50% of the time as he spends time with his dad too. The older one is 12 and does tween stuff. The BF was always there for family outings and weekend fun. Always. It's not a choice of a loser or see what comes along next. That's not really how I operate. I enjoy BF's company. I enjoy we have things that we do that are independent. Too many couples are too much in each other's company. I enjoy his jokes. He makes me laugh. What I don't enjoy are his every three or four month freakouts where he gets sullen, doesn't talk, and leaves. We had a great date Sunday. We were laughing and having a lot of fun. Then last night I went to see Creed with him and he said he was tired. He was super quiet and sullen. I said we could get dinner instead since he did seem worn out. We ate and he took me back to my car. It was very abrupt and rude. I really don't even know what's going on anymore... It did help cement my decision to let him go for good on my own January 1.
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