Dating Two Women

[Gaeta]

And I am pretty sure that woman meant 'dating exclusively' not only sex exclusive.

[WhirlwindGuy]

You date by being upfront and saying right from the start you are newly divorced and are not looking to get attached or exclusive yet. If she still wants to date you and falls for you then it's on her.

 

 

 

Oh believe me, I have done this EVERY time. Every single one of them has started with this conversation, somewhere in the first few interactions, or where it felt appropriate.

[WhirlwindGuy]

These women are completely jumping down your throat and reacting unfairly. While it's wrong to continue to see other people after you agree on exclusivity, exclusivity does not equal a relationship (at least not to me!) It's poor behavior, but it's not cheating.

 

And at least this guy has the wherewithal to recognize he'd gotten himself into a bad situation and take steps to fix it. This isn't the kind of poster who needs to be attacked.

 

 

 

Thank you. I understand where they are coming from, but I also think it is a bit judgmental.

 

 

My one mistake here was sorta nodding dumbfoundly with girl one when she brought this up on OUR THIRD DATE in less than a week.

 

Don't get me wrong, she is an amazing woman, and we click on every single level (except one), but I really don't know her yet. I want to get to know her, I think there could be a great chance that we would be really good for each other, I am just not QUITE ready to make that leap yet. Not because I want to go f*ck other women, I could care less about that, but more so because I am not certain I am ready to be loved or to love someone like that.

 

 

In the last couple of weeks she has basically told me that I have changed her life, her views on things, her emotional state, she has improved relations with her subordinates at work, people have commented about her positive vibes she has put off, etc. all within the past few weeks. That is a lot of pressure for me, and I feel like I am being put up on this very tall pedestal. She needs to come back down to earth a bit before she makes any "exclusivity decisions" in my opinion. Right now it sounds like basically if I break it off with her, her psyche will be ruined?!?! Damn...

 

 

So while I absolutely get where some of you are coming from, this relationship has completely took off, faster than I could hold on. I am trying to catch up, and hold the pieces together. It isn't like I went and had sex with girl two the next day, or even courted her at all. I haven't even seen her since this exclusivity talk. We have text here and there between her patients, and talked on the phone twice I think, but I know she wants to get together this week, and I need to decide something before that happens.

 

 

I still do appreciate the feedback.

[beautifulinside2]

These women are completely jumping down your throat and reacting unfairly. While it's wrong to continue to see other people after you agree on exclusivity, exclusivity does not equal a relationship (at least not to me!) It's poor behavior, but it's not cheating. d.

 

So agreeing to be exclusive and behaving in a matter of non exclusivity is not cheating? That's obscured

[WhirlwindGuy]

You date by being upfront and saying right from the start you are newly divorced and are not looking to get attached or exclusive yet. If she still wants to date you and falls for you then it's on her.

 

 

 

I will give you an example. I have been relatively busy at work so I haven't had a chance to talk to girl two yet.

 

 

I just got this text a few minutes ago from her:

 

 

"Hey, how do you disable POF? I am tired of getting these notifications..."

 

 

I said, "oh, are you sure you want to do something like that?"

 

 

She said, "Well, unless you give me a reason to have it again, I think im done with it. I have a patient at 130, I'll call you in a little while."

 

 

This is after 2 total dates and a handful of phone calls and texts.

[beautifulinside2]

Whirlwind I also think it's unfair that 1 has invested so much into this relationship during a 3 week period. Unless, you have future promised her in some ways. Sometimes people think about 3 weeks and assume you have seen each other maybe two times a week total of 6 times. Is this a person you have spent significantly more time with over this period? I still believe that being exclusive in less than a month is fine because it gives you the opportunity to get to know one person without any distractions. However I would also let her know that you would like to slow things down and even communicate the amount of pressure she is putting on you.

[Versacehottie]

You already know what you should to do and unfortunately nobody can come up with a magical situation.

 

If you're a decent guy, like you say you are, then be true to yourself if you're not ready for a serious relationship and just want some fun.

 

If you genuinely like both women and want more time then you take the risk of being honest with them both, telling them you're NOT ready for exclusivity as you're still only getting to know them.

 

If you know which you like more, be nice to the other and let her go...

 

Goodluck - it really isn't the worst situation to be in, it's called being honest.

 

Yes, if you know which one you like more, you are just going to have to roll the dice, chose that one and know that you may end up alone. No easy solution. That said, there are worse problems to have. You have two women who really like you. I have to say, I think people are giving you a hard time about the 1st one. It's never right to just roll over and agree to whatever she says (exclusivity) just because you are scared to tell her to slow down or that you need more time. You should have done that because now it's an unraveling which will upset her more.

 

Ok, she is freaking me out though. It sounds too pushy to me. Only that amount of dates and time spent together and she was pushing for exclusivity and you are just divorced about a year ago. To me, I get a desperate vibe from that. That sounds like someone who desperately wants to be in a relationship; you just met the threshold of a decent guy. She doesn't know you really yet. Even you slightly hinted that you like the other one more. I'm not sure if that's a factor of the first one putting all her cards on the table, being too available, too eager to please and the other one less available therefore more of a challenge, more comfortable for you. Basically, you just need to be strong and tell no.1 that you are not ready to be exclusive--that a year has not been enough time and you are not sure you can give 100% now. Good luck

[dobielover]

The OP said this happens often for him, that women fall for him quickly. He's the common denominator here. He's future faking with this girl, he's likely future faking with the others as well. It's easy to fall for someone who's promising you what you're looking for and want.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Not any concern for you. You're a douchebag but you obviously are sexually attractive to these ladies. These ladies will be hurt and probably blame all guys in general and take out their anger on some unsuspecting guys. As for you you'll have more ladies running after you before you know it.

 

 

 

Lol...mmmk...Maybe if I am actually a douchebag, I should just keep both of these relationships rolling, maybe even add a few more? Might as well go all in, right? Maybe I should ask them if they would all like to have a giant orgy; that's totally douchey right?

 

 

Sometimes I can't tell if I am being trolled, or this is for real. Ill assume this is real......

 

 

It's obviously a concern for me, or I wouldn't be here looking for advice. I'm not a "player" have never been one, and don't intend to be one. I really had no intentions of getting physical with girl one. She came over to meet me before a show we were attending together, I was still getting dressed, and she was on the couch, I came out of the bathroom and she was half naked saying "we still have some time before the show, come here..." that was our third date btw, she is just a very sexually open girl, it is one of the things I really like about her, she is very OK with being open and honest about her sexuality, and I appreciate that. I could have, and probably should have said no, and asked her to get dressed...once again, bad judgment, but I am only human and male to boot...

 

 

This situation launched out of thin air in under a month. I will own the fact that I shouldn't have agreed with girl one about exclusivity right away. I was put on the spot, and I went with the easy route to kill the awkward conversation. Bad idea.

[WhirlwindGuy]

The OP said this happens often for him, that women fall for him quickly. He's the common denominator here. He's future faking with this girl, he's likely future faking with the others as well. It's easy to fall for someone who's promising you what you're looking for and want.

 

 

 

Future faking? You assume a lot about me. I guess it makes it easy for you to just pigeon hole someone so you don't have to actually analyze and think more. I'm not sure what "future faking" means, assuming it means promising them some future that I don't intend on providing. I can assure you I have made it VERY clear very early that I am not looking to get married again any time soon.

I admit, I am very nice, open, honest and giving to any woman I am dating, with no pretense. I don't expect anything in return, and I don't ask for anything in return. I am also kind of shy, so I rarely even kiss on the first date; its just how I am. So if you are going to imply I am trying to buy their intimacy, you are absolutely wrong about that too (just to preempt your next post). I am certainly not promising anything, and certainly not faking any future...I even say MANY times with these women, lets just focus on today and enjoying ourselves, the company, the things we are doing today and we can deal with tomorrow then...basically one day at a time and see what happens. This is usually when they start making plans or talking about a future first.

 

 

Just so we are clear also, I have dated 5 total women in the year since my divorce, we aren't talking dozens of women. The first one I fell head over heels for, but I think she was in a similar situation as I am now, led me on, and then decided to chose the other guy (karma!). The others have all come on EXTREMELY strong with me holding my foot on the break the whole time. Two I broke off with when I met girl one, mostly because I knew we weren't compatible. The last one I am having a hard time breaking off with for some reason, but I'm trying to get there.

[Versacehottie]

Thank you. I understand where they are coming from, but I also think it is a bit judgmental.

 

 

My one mistake here was sorta nodding dumbfoundly with girl one when she brought this up on OUR THIRD DATE in less than a week.

 

Don't get me wrong, she is an amazing woman, and we click on every single level (except one), but I really don't know her yet. I want to get to know her, I think there could be a great chance that we would be really good for each other, I am just not QUITE ready to make that leap yet. Not because I want to go f*ck other women, I could care less about that, but more so because I am not certain I am ready to be loved or to love someone like that.

 

 

In the last couple of weeks she has basically told me that I have changed her life, her views on things, her emotional state, she has improved relations with her subordinates at work, people have commented about her positive vibes she has put off, etc. all within the past few weeks. That is a lot of pressure for me, and I feel like I am being put up on this very tall pedestal. She needs to come back down to earth a bit before she makes any "exclusivity decisions" in my opinion. Right now it sounds like basically if I break it off with her, her psyche will be ruined?!?! Damn...

 

 

So while I absolutely get where some of you are coming from, this relationship has completely took off, faster than I could hold on. I am trying to catch up, and hold the pieces together. It isn't like I went and had sex with girl two the next day, or even courted her at all. I haven't even seen her since this exclusivity talk. We have text here and there between her patients, and talked on the phone twice I think, but I know she wants to get together this week, and I need to decide something before that happens.

 

 

I still do appreciate the feedback.

 

Yeah I think you came to the site to get some helpful advice. I think some of us can see that girl #1 just blindsided you with the exclusivity thing!!! She is too much with that. I think those of us that can read between the lines can hear that you are a good guy in a bad situation looking for helpful advice.

 

I wrote in my other post for next time that you need to be honest the next time if your gf or girl you are dating asks you something, it will save you more of a headache than unraveling it will. ALSO you really need to set a better pace.

 

While I think girl one is a little cray cray, to go out 3 times in one week sends message that is not accurate from your side. If you want more casual or to take things slower, try going out once or twice a week. Now 3 times a week or more is the new BAR you must achieve or this one is going to be devastated!!! I would have some serious concerns over someone who in 3 weeks said that they would be devastated or whatever if you guys were not a couple. It's a bit of a guilt trip and speaks to her stability. Could be a stage 5 clinger. Anyway, I see she is your choice. I like that she knows a good thing when she sees it. Just tell her the truth about how you feel and set a better pace that encompasses your needs. I would have no problem telling her about the other girl so she both feels more secure that she is the chosen one but that it speaks to your state of mind that you just were multi-dating so not to push it (hopefully worded better than I just did!).

[WhirlwindGuy]

Whirlwind I also think it's unfair that 1 has invested so much into this relationship during a 3 week period. Unless, you have future promised her in some ways. Sometimes people think about 3 weeks and assume you have seen each other maybe two times a week total of 6 times. Is this a person you have spent significantly more time with over this period? I still believe that being exclusive in less than a month is fine because it gives you the opportunity to get to know one person without any distractions. However I would also let her know that you would like to slow things down and even communicate the amount of pressure she is putting on you.

 

 

 

We have spent significantly more time together in these three weeks than normal, yes. I have promised her nothing in the future. I have told her just how I feel, I even told her about girl 2, and that I wasn't totally sure about where I was with that relationship. I am pretty sure she has chosen to ignore that. I think she is an amazing woman, I like spending time with her, and I would like to get to know her better and see how things progress. that is the extent of my "future promising".

I talked with her yesterday about the pressure and pace of the relationship. I told her that I find myself feeling completely invested, and then times when I feel like "WHOA!!! slow down, you don't know her!!" She said she felt similar, but that she felt more invested than anything. We kind of agreed after that conversation to just take a deep breath and let things go at a natural pace. No promises.

 

 

Im not sure if she fully believes that, but that is where we left it yesterday evening. We have only text randomly about work today.

[dobielover]

We have spent significantly more time together in these three weeks than normal, yes. I have promised her nothing in the future. I have told her just how I feel, I even told her about girl 2, and that I wasn't totally sure about where I was with that relationship. I am pretty sure she has chosen to ignore that. I think she is an amazing woman, I like spending time with her, and I would like to get to know her better and see how things progress. that is the extent of my "future promising".

I talked with her yesterday about the pressure and pace of the relationship. I told her that I find myself feeling completely invested, and then times when I feel like "WHOA!!! slow down, you don't know her!!" She said she felt similar, but that she felt more invested than anything. We kind of agreed after that conversation to just take a deep breath and let things go at a natural pace. No promises.

 

 

Im not sure if she fully believes that, but that is where we left it yesterday evening. We have only text randomly about work today.

 

Huh? Earlier today you're freaked out because you didn't want to tell her about the other woman because you'd agreed to be exclusive, but now you're saying you've told her about her?

[WhirlwindGuy]

One thing I think will help is that this week we are both really busy wrapping up work lose ends before the holidays. We have one date planned Thursday to go to her Christmas Party.

Next week she will be out of town all week visiting her family in another state.

I think this will allow her to cool down a bit, me to cool down a bit, and us to better assess what we are doing here.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Huh? Earlier today you're freaked out because you didn't want to tell her about the other woman because you'd agreed to be exclusive, but now you're saying you've told her about her?

 

I mentioned it when we had our exclusivity conversation, yes. She acknowledged it but I don't think she understood what I was saying, and I didn't make an effort to harp on it.

 

 

So yes, she knows, what she doesn't know is that the other woman is still around. She assumed I already broke it off with her, at least I think she does. We haven't discussed it since.

[Versacehottie]

We have spent significantly more time together in these three weeks than normal, yes. I have promised her nothing in the future. I have told her just how I feel, I even told her about girl 2, and that I wasn't totally sure about where I was with that relationship. I am pretty sure she has chosen to ignore that. I think she is an amazing woman, I like spending time with her, and I would like to get to know her better and see how things progress. that is the extent of my "future promising".

I talked with her yesterday about the pressure and pace of the relationship. I told her that I find myself feeling completely invested, and then times when I feel like "WHOA!!! slow down, you don't know her!!" She said she felt similar, but that she felt more invested than anything. We kind of agreed after that conversation to just take a deep breath and let things go at a natural pace. No promises.

 

 

Im not sure if she fully believes that, but that is where we left it yesterday evening. We have only text randomly about work today.

 

My bet is that if she ignored the info about the other girl, she will also ignore letting things go at a natural pace.

 

I think real or direct future promising would be "saying" things. However, I think seeing someone 3 times in a week is indirectly promising a certain pace or giving a certain impression. Your actions and words didn't match, that may be part of the reason she is pushing so hard. Good luck setting the pace with this one. I hope that the week away will help you with her.

[dobielover]

I mentioned it when we had our exclusivity conversation, yes. She acknowledged it but I don't think she understood what I was saying, and I didn't make an effort to harp on it.

 

 

So yes, she knows, what she doesn't know is that the other woman is still around. She assumed I already broke it off with her, at least I think she does. We haven't discussed it since.

 

Huh, again?

 

Earlier you said you didn't even recall the substance of the conversation just that you recalled agreeing to exclusivity.

 

Now you're recalling details.

 

I think the issue here is your epically huge failure to communicate. She's going by your actions, and your agreement.

[Yungste16]

Keep having fun with both of them. There is no rule or god that says you have to commit to any of them. If one of them drops out, you simply replace with another. Rinse and repeat.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Yes, if you know which one you like more, you are just going to have to roll the dice, chose that one and know that you may end up alone. No easy solution. That said, there are worse problems to have. You have two women who really like you. I have to say, I think people are giving you a hard time about the 1st one. It's never right to just roll over and agree to whatever she says (exclusivity) just because you are scared to tell her to slow down or that you need more time. You should have done that because now it's an unraveling which will upset her more.

 

Ok, she is freaking me out though. It sounds too pushy to me. Only that amount of dates and time spent together and she was pushing for exclusivity and you are just divorced about a year ago. To me, I get a desperate vibe from that. That sounds like someone who desperately wants to be in a relationship; you just met the threshold of a decent guy. She doesn't know you really yet. Even you slightly hinted that you like the other one more. I'm not sure if that's a factor of the first one putting all her cards on the table, being too available, too eager to please and the other one less available therefore more of a challenge, more comfortable for you. Basically, you just need to be strong and tell no.1 that you are not ready to be exclusive--that a year has not been enough time and you are not sure you can give 100% now. Good luck

 

 

 

Thank you for this, I seemed to skip this reading through the first time. This seems like unbiased feedback and I appreciate it. I do think girl 1 may be on the desperate side, but she is also just really compatible with me. I think you are right about the "all the cards on the table" vs. "The Chase". That is kind of what has held me off from completely breaking it off with girl two. I was trying to suss out if I really liked girl two, or was it that I liked that she was more of a challenge. I do think I like her, but I think girl 1 and I are much more compatible.

 

 

Strange thing about girl 1, when we started talking she made it a point to tell me how strong she was, and she takes things slow, needs her space, is very independent, strong, etc. and that it has been a problem for men that she has seen in the past. That all seemed to go out of the window by our second date. I asked her about that and she said, "I don't know, it is just different with you, I can't explain it, but I feel like I am OK to let my guard down around you and be vulnerable..." "I feel safe with you" uggh...That is a beautiful thing to tell someone, but Its scary too...I don't want that kind of power, at least not right now.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Huh, again?

 

Earlier you said you didn't even recall the substance of the conversation just that you recalled agreeing to exclusivity.

 

Now you're recalling details.

 

I think the issue here is your epically huge failure to communicate. She's going by your actions, and your agreement.

 

Yes, after talking about this now for 5 or 6 hours with you, I have managed to think back and recall details of things that have unfolded over the past few weeks. Stuff that I didn't recall this morning when I wrote this post.

 

 

Is that so hard to believe?

 

 

Why do you have such a chip on your shoulder? Why do you keep assuming I have some ulterior motives? Are you a male or female? Did this situation happen to you, and maybe now you are a bit biased?

 

 

I fail to communicate? You must be a real gem to talk to. Luckily I don't meet or tend to keep people around with your frame of mind.

 

 

"Hey dobielover, hun, I am thinking we should have pizza tonight!"

 

 

"Pizza?!?!? what? Did you lace it with Arsnic and make it out of parts of my family that you have secretly despised since i met you?!?"

 

 

"Jeez, nevermind, you pick..."

 

 

"I pick!?!?!? I PICK?!?! See, I told you were indecisive and shallow, I hate you!!!"

 

 

/sigh

[StBreton]

I mentioned it when we had our exclusivity conversation, yes. She acknowledged it but I don't think she understood what I was saying, and I didn't make an effort to harp on it.

 

 

So yes, she knows, what she doesn't know is that the other woman is still around. She assumed I already broke it off with her, at least I think she does. We haven't discussed it since.

 

Of course she assumes you broke it off...you agreed to being exclusive.

 

WW...I think you're a good guy ... you have an issue with establishing healthy boundaries for sure and I think it's because you're new to dating again...but still a good guy . Maybe the best thing to do is tell the girl with whom you've agreed to being "exclusive" that you aren't ready for that right now...sure you take the risk of losing her but you really aren't ready for that if you are vacillating between girls...guys you have been out there dating a while identify what they are looking for pretty quickly and just agree to a relationship with one girl...unless the are players.

 

To clarify the boundary thing...I read a few of your other threads...you are the common denominator and partial instigator for escalating intimacy quickly (emotional)...maybe you don't realize you're doing this...but you're far from casual guy with all the emotional sharing you do...it's no wonder these girls jump on board. Careful of that...moderate your intimacy if you wish to slow the pace of the connection.

[dobielover]

Yes, after talking about this now for 5 or 6 hours with you, I have managed to think back and recall details of things that have unfolded over the past few weeks. Stuff that I didn't recall this morning when I wrote this post.

 

 

Is that so hard to believe?

 

 

Why do you have such a chip on your shoulder? Why do you keep assuming I have some ulterior motives? Are you a male or female? Did this situation happen to you, and maybe now you are a bit biased?

 

 

I fail to communicate? You must be a real gem to talk to. Luckily I don't meet or tend to keep people around with your frame of mind.

 

 

"Hey dobielover, hun, I am thinking we should have pizza tonight!"

 

 

"Pizza?!?!? what? Did you lace it with Arsnic and make it out of parts of my family that you have secretly despised since i met you?!?"

 

 

"Jeez, nevermind, you pick..."

 

 

"I pick!?!?!? I PICK?!?! See, I told you were indecisive and shallow, I hate you!!!"

 

 

/sigh

 

Yup, it's happened to me, with the same bullsh*t justifications you're giving.

 

"I told her I'd have dinner with her. So I went out with someone else for dinner before her; she doesn't know that's why I wasn't hungry when I met up with her for dinner." <-- That's you.

 

You're playing the victim, but this is all your doing. You've brought this all on yourself.

[dobielover]

Of course she assumes you broke it off...you agreed to being exclusive.

 

you have an issue with establishing healthy boundaries for sure

 

To clarify the boundary thing...I read a few of your other threads...you are the common denominator and partial instigator for escalating intimacy quickly (emotional)...maybe you don't realize you're doing this...but you're far from casual guy with all the emotional sharing you do...it's no wonder these girls jump on board.

 

Exactly right.

 

Why wouldn't she think and feel the way she does??? I mean, seriously? Over-sharing, escalating intimacy, spending substantial amounts of time together in a short period, agreeing to exclusivity... And you're surprised???

[WhirlwindGuy]

Of course she assumes you broke it off...you agreed to being exclusive.

 

WW...I think you're a good guy ... you have an issue with establishing healthy boundaries for sure and I think it's because you're new to dating again...but still a good guy . Maybe the best thing to do is tell the girl with whom you've agreed to being "exclusive" that you aren't ready for that right now...sure you take the risk of losing her but you really aren't ready for that if you are vacillating between girls...guys you have been out there dating a while identify what they are looking for pretty quickly and just agree to a relationship with one girl...unless the are players.

 

To clarify the boundary thing...I read a few of your other threads...you are the common denominator and partial instigator for escalating intimacy quickly (emotional)...maybe you don't realize you're doing this...but you're far from casual guy with all the emotional sharing you do...it's no wonder these girls jump on board. Careful of that...moderate your intimacy if you wish to slow the pace of the connection.

 

Thank you, and I absolutely agree. I probably do have an issue with boundaries, but I am not sure how to change that. I feel like I am just being me and doing what feels right in the situation I am in, but perhaps it is not conducive to casual dating?

 

 

I don't feel like I am doing anything to suggest more than just a general interest in this person and her presence / conversation...maybe I am.

Edited December 14, 2015 by WhirlwindGuy

[StBreton]

Thank you, and I absolutely agree. I probably do have an issue with boundaries, but I am not sure how to change that. I feel like it is just me, but perhaps it is not conducive to casual dating?

 

 

I don't feel like I am doing anything to suggest more than just a general interest in this person and her presence / conversation...maybe I am I read your November thread and think you don't see yourself clearly in this respect.

 

I recognize your behavior because I was you last year and beginning of this year with regards to relationships and oversharing/emotional boundary issues...and guys just ate it up and wanted relationships with just me ...one guy even asked me to marry him after 6 weeks!...but I was the problem...I'm newly divorced just like you...last year in fact. I was so used to being a couple (long term marriage) that it just felt comfortable to go all in. So I've recently taken a break from dating and comfortable being single again and now I temper my involvement...recently met a very nice guy (organically) and taking my time...very slow this time. Involvement doesn't have to be a race...be calm cool collect and still your good guy self...but temper that emotionally sharing/involvement...especially as it seems you have a lot of good qualities girls are looking for.