Dating Two Women

[WhirlwindGuy]

Guys or Ladies that may have experience with this, please share your advice.

 

I have been dating two ladies off and on for about a month now. Both of them are pretty amazing ladies for different reasons. I like spending time with each of them a lot. I started seeing them around the same time, and I wasn't intending on really getting serious with either one. I was just dating for fun. Problem is, I am starting to really care for these ladies, and one of them has gotten really serious about me, the other, I can tell, is getting there as well. One has outright told me, it would be devastating to her if I decided to break it off now, she has really fallen for me.

 

I don't want to hurt anyone here, but I feel like I am in a predicament now that I either hurt both of them and lose both of them, or I have to hurt one and hope the other is the right choice for me. I have only had sex with one of them, the girl who has fallen for me. I kind of wish I hadn't now, only because I think it would make this decision easier.

 

I personally feel like it is too soon to make any big decision like this, and would have preferred to just see what happened. I don't know that I am really ready to make any seriously committed relationship, but I know that at least one of these ladies is.

 

What do I do here? It is really kind of stressing me out. I really don't want to "devastate" anyone. I feel like the girl that has fallen for me (She is wonderful btw) has really kind of laid a lot of stuff on my feet. She has told me that I have really changed the way she views relationships, I am different than any man she has dated, and I have given her a new confidence and peace that she has never had, she is not sure what she would do or how she would be if I left...That is a lot of pressure...I have tried to talk her down a bit and tell her she doesn't know me yet, and what happens with the shine of a new relationship wears off. I have told her to try and slow down the emotions, just be happy in the moment, enjoy etc...but I get the feeling that she would tell me she loved me right now If she felt confident enough.

 

The other takes things much slower, but I can tell is really building a bond with me. She kind of came forward with her feelings about me last night, and asked if I would please be patient with her through the holidays as her work schedule ramps up this month, but will be back to normal next month. She is a much busier woman, but I find myself more intrigued and interested in her.

 

I just have a feeling all of this is going to end badly...and I don't want that to happen.

[dobielover]

Tell the first one what you told us, that you're not ready to be in a relationship. You have to do this fast, soon. Any more time and you're going to really crush her. You have to pump the brakes on that one, hard.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Tell the first one what you told us, that you're not ready to be in a relationship. You have to do this fast, soon. Any more time and you're going to really crush her. You have to pump the brakes on that one, hard.

 

 

 

I kind of agree with you here. The problem is, if and when I break this to her, she is probably going to bail completely. I have to make sure this is what I really want before I tell her any of this.

 

 

I tried yesterday to remind her of the fact that I just came out of a long marriage a year ago. I like her a lot, but I am wanting to slow down and make sure we are right for each other before getting too wrapped up. I told her that we both are enjoying the time we spend together, we want more of it. Let's just take it day by day and see how it develops.

 

 

The bad part about this is on date 3 (we went on 3 dates in one week) she kind of sprung the exclusivity talk on me while we were on the way to dinner and I reacted poorly. I panicked and told her I was OK with that. At the time I was caught off guard, not wanting to blow her out of the water, and I only had one potential thing going on (with girl 2) that was still very new. I probably should have told her I was not ready, but I said I did really like her and I could probably do that...(or at least I think that is what I said, it was kind of a blur).

 

 

I also deleted my dating profiles and she caught on to that. I didn't do it specifically for her, but more so I could take that distraction away while I decided what to do with these two ladies. She took that as a sign that I was committing to her and deleted hers as well, told me after the fact.......uggh...

[central]

Well, you have some difficult conversations ahead of you. Better this than not having anyone you like and being rejected, though!

 

That said, you have to be honest with one - and perhaps both - that you have been seeing someone else, and that as it is early days, you do not see yourself as exclusive with anyone yet. You may have to make the decision to be exclusive NOW, though! I guess one consideration is, are you in this for someone short-term, or someone long-term?

 

Now, if you prefer one to the other, you really do have to let the less favorite go even if it is painful for them and hard for you to do. It's the right thing to do, and will only get harder the longer you put it off. So, do it now. Even if you let one go and keep the other, there is no assurance things will work out with the one you choose. That's a risk you will have to accept.

 

There is one remote possibility, and that is after you tell them both, they will both want to continue dating you even knowing they have competition. Eventually, one will still either exit, or you will choose one. Or, as unexpectedly happened to me, you end up in a polyamorous relationship with two women who are fully informed and consenting to the arrangement, for however long it lasts. In my case, it lasted years and the women are still good friends - but I eventually married one of them.

[dobielover]

I kind of agree with you here. The problem is, if and when I break this to her, she is probably going to bail completely. I have to make sure this is what I really want before I tell her any of this.

 

 

I tried yesterday to remind her of the fact that I just came out of a long marriage a year ago. I like her a lot, but I am wanting to slow down and make sure we are right for each other before getting too wrapped up. I told her that we both are enjoying the time we spend together, we want more of it. Let's just take it day by day and see how it develops.

 

 

The bad part about this is on date 3 (we went on 3 dates in one week) she kind of sprung the exclusivity talk on me while we were on the way to dinner and I reacted poorly. I panicked and told her I was OK with that. At the time I was caught off guard, not wanting to blow her out of the water, and I only had one potential thing going on (with girl 2) that was still very new. I probably should have told her I was not ready, but I said I did really like her and I could probably do that...(or at least I think that is what I said, it was kind of a blur).

 

 

I also deleted my dating profiles and she caught on to that. I didn't do it specifically for her, but more so I could take that distraction away while I decided what to do with these two ladies. She took that as a sign that I was committing to her and deleted hers as well, told me after the fact.......uggh...

 

Soooooo you're already cheating on her, because you agreed to exclusivity but you are in fact still seeing someone on the side.

 

You, my friend, are why good women have trust issues.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Soooooo you're already cheating on her, because you agreed to exclusivity but you are in fact still seeing someone on the side.

 

You, my friend, are why good women have trust issues.

 

 

I do agree with you, it isn't the ideal situation, but think about it from my perspective for a second. This all happened EXTREMELY quickly. I was asked for exclusivity from a girl I had known less than two weeks. Grant it, I foolishly agreed, but I wasn't sure what else to say in that situation. I didn't want to throw her away that quickly, but I also really wasn't ready to jump to that right then. I only had one thing going on, that was still very new as well. I had been on two dates with the other girl, over the span of 3 weeks.

 

Hindsight, I should have just said no to the exclusivity right then, but now that I didn't, I panicked and just said what I know she wanted to hear, I am trying to make it right as soon as possible. These women are both amazing, and I don't want to "cheat" on either one of them. I have never been a cheater and don't intend to be one now. This whole situation developed so quickly, and now I feel like I am trapped in the middle of it before I really knew what was going on.

 

I need to do something here, and it is likely something I don't want to do. I just am not sure what to do yet. I will have to make a decision today though.

[Yummm]

You already know what you should to do and unfortunately nobody can come up with a magical situation.

 

If you're a decent guy, like you say you are, then be true to yourself if you're not ready for a serious relationship and just want some fun.

 

If you genuinely like both women and want more time then you take the risk of being honest with them both, telling them you're NOT ready for exclusivity as you're still only getting to know them.

 

If you know which you like more, be nice to the other and let her go...

 

Goodluck - it really isn't the worst situation to be in, it's called being honest.

[dobielover]

I do agree with you, it isn't the ideal situation, but think about it from my perspective for a second. This all happened EXTREMELY quickly. I was asked for exclusivity from a girl I had known less than two weeks. Grant it, I foolishly agreed, but I wasn't sure what else to say in that situation. I didn't want to throw her away that quickly, but I also really wasn't ready to jump to that right then. I only had one thing going on, that was still very new as well. I had been on two dates with the other girl, over the span of 3 weeks.

 

Hindsight, I should have just said no to the exclusivity right then, but now that I didn't, I panicked and just said what I know she wanted to hear, I am trying to make it right as soon as possible. These women are both amazing, and I don't want to "cheat" on either one of them. I have never been a cheater and don't intend to be one now. This whole situation developed so quickly, and now I feel like I am trapped in the middle of it before I really knew what was going on.

 

I need to do something here, and it is likely something I don't want to do. I just am not sure what to do yet. I will have to make a decision today though.

 

Ha. Look at it from your perspective? You mean, with a selfish eye?

 

You are a cheater, right now. You are cheating. You are not trapped. You brought this on yourself.

 

You could have responded honestly. You should have responded honestly. Instead, you only thought about yourself, just like you're doing now.

 

This is not how a decent man thinks or behaves, whatsoever.

[WhirlwindGuy]

You already know what you should to do and unfortunately nobody can come up with a magical situation.

 

If you're a decent guy, like you say you are, then be true to yourself if you're not ready for a serious relationship and just want some fun.

 

If you genuinely like both women and want more time then you take the risk of being honest with them both, telling them you're NOT ready for exclusivity as you're still only getting to know them.

 

If you know which you like more, be nice to the other and let her go...

 

Goodluck - it really isn't the worst situation to be in, it's called being honest.

 

 

 

I know, I just hate hurting people's feelings. My indecisiveness put me in this situation, I suppose I just didn't expect things to develop this fast and I am nervous about saying I am "committed" to someone I have known a little less than a month.

[StBreton]

"I panicked and just said what I know she wanted to hear, I am trying to make it right as soon as possible. These women are both amazing, and I don't want to "cheat" on either one of them. I have never been a cheater and don't intend to be one now. This whole situation developed so quickly, and now I feel like I am trapped in the middle of it before I really knew what was going on."

 

It's commendable you want to remedy this situation ASAP ... but you almost make it sound like you're the victim here ... to your own dating crime ... that of cheating. When you say you have never been a cheater, you are a cheater now. You aren't trapped...but you can't have your cake and eat it too unless all agree...that is why one of the women asked for exclusivity...she didn't want this type of situation. I think you're incompatible with the one who specifically asked for exclusivity as she is ready for a serious relationship and you are on the fence or just interested in multi dating. Let the exclusive one go so she can be with someone who is emotionally available. You're in effect making a decision for her that is based on a lie.

 

Please be fair and upfront...I agree with another poster on here that guys like you are the reason women have trust issues. You've started the one "exclusive" relationship on a lie...you realize that right? Coming from a long term marriage you know how important honesty and trust are...you aren't naive just selfish. I hope you get this worked out and are upfront and honest...

Edited December 14, 2015 by StBreton

[WhirlwindGuy]

Ha. Look at it from your perspective? You mean, with a selfish eye?

 

You are a cheater, right now. You are cheating. You are not trapped. You brought this on yourself.

 

You could have responded honestly. You should have responded honestly. Instead, you only thought about yourself, just like you're doing now.

 

This is not how a decent man thinks or behaves, whatsoever.

 

You are absolutely entitled to your opinion, I asked for it, but I think you are jumping to a lot of conclusions here. I absolutely appreciate your feedback though, regardless of how harsh it is. You help put some things in perspective for sure. I have put myself in a bad situation and I need to resolve it and accept the consequences.

 

 

If I was selfish and indecent, I would keep this going for as long as I could and just reap the benefits of two women being in love with me. I have known each of these women just over three weeks. That's it. We aren't talking years or months even. Weeks...

 

 

 

 

As it stands, it has been about a week since the talk, I am trying to do the right thing here and looking for advice. I have not strung this out for months, weeks, etc. I have not even seen girl 2 since this exclusivity conversation happened. In fact, she wants to meet this week, which is why I know I need to make a decision now, before this go's any further.

I intended to break it off with girl two after that exclusivity talk, but I am conflicted. I am nervous committing to anyone this soon. I think I want to do it, but I worry I am not ready. The fact that I am even having this conversation probably proves I'm not ready. In the moment, when she asked, it felt right, now I am second guessing that choice. If I tell her I am second guessing, I know it will be over. So it boils down to, do I want it to end and just be honest, or do I want to try and get there and make it work? I probably need to just be honest and let the chips fall where they may.

[WhirlwindGuy]

"I panicked and just said what I know she wanted to hear, I am trying to make it right as soon as possible. These women are both amazing, and I don't want to "cheat" on either one of them. I have never been a cheater and don't intend to be one now. This whole situation developed so quickly, and now I feel like I am trapped in the middle of it before I really knew what was going on."

 

It's commendable you want to remedy this situation ASAP ... but you almost make it sound like you're the victim here ... to your own dating crime ... that of cheating. When you say you have never been a cheater, you are a cheater now. You aren't trapped...but you can't have your cake and eat it too unless all agree...that is why one of the women asked for exclusivity...she didn't want this type of situation. I think you're incompatible with the one who specifically asked for exclusivity as she is ready for a serious relationship and you are on the fence or just interested in multi dating. Let the exclusive one go so she can be with someone who is emotionally available. You're in effect making a decision for her that is based on a lie.

 

Please be fair and upfront...I agree with another poster on here that guys like you are the reason women have trust issues. You've started the one "exclusive" relationship on a lie...you realize that right? Coming from a long term marriage you know how important honesty and trust are...you aren't naive just selfish. I hope you get this worked out and are upfront and honest...

 

 

You're right, I don't intend to make it sound that way. Someone is going to get hurt here, and I hate that I am the reason for that to happen. It is from my own doing though.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Thank all of you for your honesty, harsh or otherwise.

 

 

I intend to let girl 2 know today that I am seeing someone and it has escalated to exclusivity and I cannot see her any longer.

 

 

It would be foolish of me to break it off with girl 1, her and I have a real connection and bond, she is perfect for me in almost every way. We have spent a lot of time together these past three weeks and I know I like her. I think it deserves to have a chance. I have seen girl 2 twice since this fiasco began. She is an extremely busy woman, an MD with a private practice, and will likely always be fairly unavailable. That would be hard to overcome. While I think there could be something there, I know very little about her, nor her about me.

[StBreton]

You're right, I don't intend to make it sound that way. Someone is going to get hurt here, and I hate that I am the reason for that to happen. It is from my own doing though.

 

 

One or both of the women might/will get hurt but they'll get over it and move on...it's only been a month like you said...you're projecting your "hurt" meter on these women ... from what it feels like to break up from a long term marriage. If these women have been out there dating for a while...break up from mini relationships happen all the time...you're not their end all be all guy...you're inflating your importance here.

 

Is this your first dating experience after your marriage? You're behaving like a brand new dater post divorce.

 

If you continue to date, please be honest with whomever that you are not ready for a relationship ... say this upfront ... so there are no expectations and all cards are on the table.

[Gaeta]

I know, I just hate hurting people's feelings.

that's another expression for <I am a coward>. I know I am being harsh but you need to know that you are trying to justify your poor behavior.

 

 

 

My indecisiveness put me in this situation, I suppose I just didn't expect things to develop this fast and I am nervous about saying I am "committed" to someone I have known a little less than a month.

 

Your indecisiveness is indicative that you are not ready for a monogamous relationship. You are coming out of a 20 year marriage, you need to casually date and NOT embark any women in a merry go round just for your pleasure. Be upfront about only looking for casual and stop misleading women who ARE ready to re-invest themselves in a relationship.

 

She did not ask you to <commit> to her. She asked you for exclusivity. That's not a commitment or a marriage. If 1 week down the road the exclusivity doesn't suit you any longer you end it. Your panic at the simple word 'exclusivity' is again indicative you are not ready to date other than just casually.

 

Ok I see you picked girl one. I HOPE you will explain to her you are not ready to date seriously.

[StBreton]

OP ... glad you've decided to come off that fence and I agree with Gaeta wholeheartedly...please tell the girl you decide to stay with that you need to pump the breaks a bit and take things slowly and just keep things casual...you definitely are not relationship ready. You don't see it now but the experienced daters here see it loud and clear.

 

Please read Gaeta's signature ... quote from Bob Marley...

[WhirlwindGuy]

that's another expression for <I am a coward>. I know I am being harsh but you need to know that you are trying to justify your poor behavior.

 

 

 

 

 

Your indecisiveness is indicative that you are not ready for a monogamous relationship. You are coming out of a 20 year marriage, you need to casually date and NOT embark any women in a merry go round just for your pleasure. Be upfront about only looking for casual and stop misleading women who ARE ready to re-invest themselves in a relationship.

 

She did not ask you to <commit> to her. She asked you for exclusivity. That's not a commitment or a marriage. If 1 week down the road the exclusivity doesn't suit you any longer you end it. Your panic at the simple word 'exclusivity' is again indicative you are not ready to date other than just casually.

 

Ok I see you picked girl one. I HOPE you will explain to her you are not ready to date seriously.

 

Small correction, 10 year, not 20, but I agree with everything else. You are spot on.

 

My problem with casual dating is that every single woman I have gone out with has seemed to completely fall for me within a month of knowing them, a lot of times much sooner. I am not trying to brag, in fact, I wish they didn't, but it is true. How do I casual date like that? I think the one thing that is attracting me to girl 2 is that she hasn't, and is forcing things to go slow, wich is very appealing to me. There isn't this pressure that I'm responsible for her happiness

Edited December 14, 2015 by WhirlwindGuy

[dreamingoftigers]

I do agree with you, it isn't the ideal situation, but think about it from my perspective for a second. This all happened EXTREMELY quickly. I was asked for exclusivity from a girl I had known less than two weeks. Grant it, I foolishly agreed, but I wasn't sure what else to say in that situation. I didn't want to throw her away that quickly, but I also really wasn't ready to jump to that right then. I only had one thing going on, that was still very new as well. I had been on two dates with the other girl, over the span of 3 weeks.

 

Hindsight, I should have just said no to the exclusivity right then, but now that I didn't, I panicked and just said what I know she wanted to hear, I am trying to make it right as soon as possible. These women are both amazing, and I don't want to "cheat" on either one of them. I have never been a cheater and don't intend to be one now. This whole situation developed so quickly, and now I feel like I am trapped in the middle of it before I really knew what was going on.

 

I need to do something here, and it is likely something I don't want to do. I just am not sure what to do yet. I will have to make a decision today though.

 

You are already being a cheater and women one is jumping too quickly.

 

Nice conflict-avoidance. Working on that second divorce already?

[dobielover]

Thank all of you for your honesty, harsh or otherwise.

 

 

I intend to let girl 2 know today that I am seeing someone and it has escalated to exclusivity and I cannot see her any longer.

 

 

It would be foolish of me to break it off with girl 1, her and I have a real connection and bond, she is perfect for me in almost every way. We have spent a lot of time together these past three weeks and I know I like her. I think it deserves to have a chance. I have seen girl 2 twice since this fiasco began. She is an extremely busy woman, an MD with a private practice, and will likely always be fairly unavailable. That would be hard to overcome. While I think there could be something there, I know very little about her, nor her about me.

 

You've cheated on your girlfriend. You are a cheater.

 

You're going to hide the fact you went on to continue daring the second girl after you agreed to exclusivity from her. You're starting this relationship off on a lie. Multiple lies. That you were ready for a relationship. That you wanted a relationship. That you were capable of being faithful. That you would be faithful. That you were faithful.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know, I just hate hurting people's feelings. My indecisiveness put me in this situation, I suppose I just didn't expect things to develop this fast and I am nervous about saying I am "committed" to someone I have known a little less than a month.

Pretending to be exclusive when you aren't exclusive to avoid "hurting someone's feelings" while continuing to sleep with them.... IS ACTUALLY HURTING THEIR FEELINGS.

 

Had that conversation yet?

[Gaeta]

Small correction, 10 year, not 20, but I agree with everything else. You are spot on.

 

My problem with casual dating is that every single woman I have gone out with has seemed to completely fall for me within a month of knowing them, a lot of times much sooner. I am not trying to brag, in fact, I wish they didn't, but it is true. How do I casual date like that? I think the one thing that is attracting me to girl 2 is that she hasn't, and is forcing things to go slow, wich is very appealing to me. There isn't this pressure that I'm responsible for her happiness

 

You date by being upfront and saying right from the start you are newly divorced and are not looking to get attached or exclusive yet. If she still wants to date you and falls for you then it's on her.

[TheCatInTheHat]

Guys or Ladies that may have experience with this, please share your advice.

 

I have been dating two ladies off and on for about a month now. Both of them are pretty amazing ladies for different reasons. I like spending time with each of them a lot. I started seeing them around the same time, and I wasn't intending on really getting serious with either one. I was just dating for fun. Problem is, I am starting to really care for these ladies, and one of them has gotten really serious about me, the other, I can tell, is getting there as well. One has outright told me, it would be devastating to her if I decided to break it off now, she has really fallen for me.

 

I don't want to hurt anyone here, but I feel like I am in a predicament now that I either hurt both of them and lose both of them, or I have to hurt one and hope the other is the right choice for me. I have only had sex with one of them, the girl who has fallen for me. I kind of wish I hadn't now, only because I think it would make this decision easier.

 

I personally feel like it is too soon to make any big decision like this, and would have preferred to just see what happened. I don't know that I am really ready to make any seriously committed relationship, but I know that at least one of these ladies is.

 

What do I do here? It is really kind of stressing me out. I really don't want to "devastate" anyone. I feel like the girl that has fallen for me (She is wonderful btw) has really kind of laid a lot of stuff on my feet. She has told me that I have really changed the way she views relationships, I am different than any man she has dated, and I have given her a new confidence and peace that she has never had, she is not sure what she would do or how she would be if I left...That is a lot of pressure...I have tried to talk her down a bit and tell her she doesn't know me yet, and what happens with the shine of a new relationship wears off. I have told her to try and slow down the emotions, just be happy in the moment, enjoy etc...but I get the feeling that she would tell me she loved me right now If she felt confident enough.

 

The other takes things much slower, but I can tell is really building a bond with me. She kind of came forward with her feelings about me last night, and asked if I would please be patient with her through the holidays as her work schedule ramps up this month, but will be back to normal next month. She is a much busier woman, but I find myself more intrigued and interested in her.

 

I just have a feeling all of this is going to end badly...and I don't want that to happen.

 

You are getting ripped in this thread but I know exactly what you mean. Falling in love in two weeks, and thats somehow your responsibility?

 

...you should really have the talk with one of the girls (and you know this), it is stressing you out and you are hurting everyone involved if you let this go on. I know it really sucks to hurt someone but those are the stakes. They will get over it. It is just really hard to motivate yourself to do this to another person unless you absolutely have to, but its not the right thing to do.

 

For future reference: you are being too nice to new girls you meet. Absolutely don't get physical too early. Don't be too nice early. Move the relationship forward at your own pace until you are sure you can commit.

 

/TheCatInTheHat

[Eighty_nine]

These women are completely jumping down your throat and reacting unfairly. While it's wrong to continue to see other people after you agree on exclusivity, exclusivity does not equal a relationship (at least not to me!) It's poor behavior, but it's not cheating.

 

And at least this guy has the wherewithal to recognize he'd gotten himself into a bad situation and take steps to fix it. This isn't the kind of poster who needs to be attacked.

[Gaeta]

These women are completely jumping down your throat and reacting unfairly. While it's wrong to continue to see other people after you agree on exclusivity, exclusivity does not equal a relationship (at least not to me!) It's poor behavior, but it's not cheating.

 

And at least this guy has the wherewithal to recognize he'd gotten himself into a bad situation and take steps to fix it. This isn't the kind of poster who needs to be attacked.

 

If you have an agreement with someone that you will only have sex with each other and the other person doesn't respect that agreement and has sex around, what is it if it's not cheating the agreement?

[dobielover]

If you have an agreement with someone that you will only have sex with each other and the other person doesn't respect that agreement and has sex around, what is it if it's not cheating the agreement?

 

He's not having sex with both of them. He's dating behind the one he is having sex with's back.

 

Still cheating.

 

Breaching an agreement is cheating.