All right well I broke NC ...

[DontBreakEven]

2 months NC today.

 

I was looking for a book tonight, and I stumbled upon my journal which she accidentally found and read the last time she was visiting (after break up, but we were still working things out). Well, she read some shi*ty stuff. And while it was her fault for taking a peek when she knew what it was, I'm sure she still can't unread the words she read. The first 90% of the journal was about my ex prior to her. Then there was her portion, which I wrote while extremely angry, and in moments of strength. There wasn't much sadness written. If I were her, and had read it, I would question if the person who wrote it ever loved me at all.

 

Anyway, reading this invoked anxiety within me, and tears. Wondering is it my fault that we couldn't work it out? Can she not forget these things that were read? She told me after she read it that she understood, as it was my private journal and she knows if I read her journal I probably wouldn't be too happy about it either. And we have had contact since then. But I just can't help to think I may have put the nail in the coffin.

 

I drafted up an email to her. But I didn't send it. I thought about it, and I am still angry about the things I was originally angry about that made me write the journal entries. She hasn't fixed these things, or even attempted to. She's still off doing all the things that made me angry.

 

I just feel like the longer we don't speak, the more chance that we will truly be out of each others' lives for good. I DON'T WANT THAT! :( I NEVER WANTED THAT!! I am angry because I actually broke up with her, so in a way I feel like it's up to me toc chase ... but I really feel like I was dumped back-handedly, because she really gave me no other option, and wasn't showing any signs of working toward staying together. But it's such a mindf*ck situation to be in!! Please help.

Edited December 1, 2015 by DontBreakEven

[Blanco]

Might be time to seek professional help.

 

You started a thread over a year ago about this girl's behavior and EVERYONE who responded advised you to bail. You didn't listen. You returned nearly a year after that to update that you had stayed and things had gotten much crazier than the examples in the OP that had everyone screaming, "RUN!"

 

This girl invaded your personal space by reading your journal. She hasn't done anything to change behaviors that drove you away. She's aware that these behaviors upset you. What does it say about her and how she feels about you and the relationship that she's not doing anything to fix these dealbreakers?

 

No one here can help you. They tried that a year ago and you proceeded with what you wanted to do anyway. You've now lost more than a year of your life to a girl whose behavior would've sent most people sprinting for the hills. Don't waste even more time. Seek professional help and get to the bottom of why you still want this toxic person in your life.

[DontBreakEven]

Fair enough.

 

I have been seeking professional help. For almost 2 years now. My therapist was with me when I met my ex, and we have gone over the reason that I was so content with this relationship, and it is that, in the beginning, she gave me something no one else had: she took care of me.

 

I think we all know how it is when you are in love with someone - those red flags just don't seem to be such a big deal to you. Logically I know all the reasons why I shouldn't still be hung up on this. But I can't help the way that I feel when I am with her. I can't help what it does to me when I think of her - when I think of the way things ended - any of it. She has my heart, as much as that sucks for me!

 

When you love and miss someone, it's totally against nature to not contact them, and tell them so. Every fiber of my being has to work hard every day to not pick up the phone, or send an email. I understand that is me withdrawing, but the drug is love. It's love. When it goes right, it's the most prescribed and celebrated drug in the world. To know that your drug is poison, while others around you have the good drug ... it's almost downright cruel.

 

I miss having my girlfriend here. I miss being able to freely tell her that without fear of further hurt. I don't want a toxic person in my life, and that's why we broke up. I want her to stop acting like an idiot!

[DontBreakEven]

I just want to tell her that I love her.

 

The last time we talked, she asked me to tell her the top 3 reasons why I love her. And I told her 3 reasons. But the real reason is that, I just do.

I just love her. There is no rhyme or reason to it, and what is that if not true love? I want to email her and tell her this.

 

Even though she loves me too, it will make no difference.

 

I am 10 weeks NC, and I'm not going to email her anything, but rather just sit here on the toilet and cry.

 

My dog got electrocuted tonight. Her jaws were clamped to the extension cord for a good 15 seconds before I finally got her off, and in that moment I had 2 thoughts: 1) What the hell am I going to do if my dog dies right here in front of me? and 2) The first person I will want to call and run to for comfort is my ex. Because she would grieve with me, and comfort me. And definitely want to know about it because it was our dog.

 

The dog is okay. A small burn on her tongue and I got a slight shock as well. I sent no email to the ex. Instead I feel resigned to this overwhelming depression that is coming over me. :'(

[Samhain]

You both love eachother, so why exactly is there an issue?

[DontBreakEven]

Sam,

 

We have a geographical disconnect. She wants to be back in her hometown, and I need to stay in mine for the moment. We met in my hometown - she was here on a work assignment. When that ended, it was assumed she would stay here. Once it did end, she got depressed. She was unemployed and missed her family, and wanted to go back. She wanted me to go with her, but it made no sense. I am the one who is employed and I'm in the middle of working my way up in my career. I asked her to wait a couple years and I will try to find a job close to her hometown in the meantime. She couldn't wait. So I told her if she had to go, we would do distance, because I certainly wasn't prepared to break up.

 

Distance didn't go well at all. So after a month of it, we had another talk about what to do. I again told her that if she can just give me a couple years to finalize what I'm doing here with my job, we can eventually go. (Keep in mind, I am still the only employed one at this point ... also the only one with an education and a strong resume ... I would be the breadwinner of any future household.) She wouldn't compromise. She wanted me to quit my job and move with her. I was shocked at the lack of respect for what I am trying to do with my life ... I wasn't about to move to a new town where I know nobody other than her - a town where neither of us had jobs - all because she just wanted to be within radius of her parents and siblings ... so I ended it.

 

In the end, I didn't feel like our relationship would ever take priority over the relationship with her family. Actually, I knew it never would. Obviously. I couldn't deal with that.

 

So essentially, I was dumped. I just formally did the dumping.

[marky00]

Sry man...

 

I was 9 years LDR and I and many other dumpees on this site would kill to be in your position.

 

Unless your partner has stopped loving you (i.e. lost interest)... there is definitely hope.

 

Pull yourself together man... while there is still time.

 

Its not her job to make you happy... its your job to make you happy.

 

Once armed with that special piece of information you can relocate to another city and you can be happy regardless because you will be happy in your own skin. Stop focusing on the negatives.

 

Believe me once she sees your respecting yourself and your hapiness she won't care if it takes you a while to find your feet and find a job etc.

 

Believe man.... if you love her, that takes precedence over all. Stop over-thinking the situation and standing in concrete..... or you'll become like the rest of us dumpees (i.e. with no hope of reconciliation).

 

She's definitely close to checking out of the relationship but it may be still salvageable.

 

Take action and go for it !!!!!!!

 

P.S. I was once in your position where i felt stuck with my job and personal issues and I could hardly see her in her home country. For about 18 months I tried to come up with solutions and kept banging my head against a brick wall. In the end that over-procrastination lost me the girl. Sure some of the decisions were scary but in hindsight I would have jumped in a second. Don't be like I was and sit your hands. At least make a trip there and see how you feel there... believe me it will seem less scary once u get there. Remember, YOU DON"T OWN THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS !!!!!

 

Oh and when she asks her why you love her, tell her she inspires you ... tell her she makes you a better man.... tell her you respect her.

Edited December 13, 2015 by marky00

[K2z]

Love is 1000 times more important than whatever reason you want to be in this or that town. If you've got it, don't lose it. BE together.

[geronimo]

I would have to disagree with the previous comment, but I believe in the fact that if two people love each other they will compromise and figure out a way to make it work, no matter how hard it is. LDR is a thing I know a couple who made it work and are now getting married (guy lived in France, girl here in Canada).

[mightycpa]

If you can't tell her why you love her, then it is probably a pretty safe bet that you're IN LOVE with her, but that doesn't mean you actually love her.

 

Being IN LOVE is like you describe, there really is no "why", and the reason for that is because you're still getting to know the person. Pretty much everything about her feels great, because your brain had a chemical reaction to her. When that stops happening, and you don't feel it anymore that's when you'll figure out whether you really love her or not, and you'll know why you do or don't. When they get to that point, most people find out that they don't.

 

Which is why this site exists.

[marky00]

If you can't tell her why you love her, then it is probably a pretty safe bet that you're IN LOVE with her, but that doesn't mean you actually love her.

 

Being IN LOVE is like you describe, there really is no "why", and the reason for that is because you're still getting to know the person. Pretty much everything about her feels great, because your brain had a chemical reaction to her. When that stops happening, and you don't feel it anymore that's when you'll figure out whether you really love her or not, and you'll know why you do or don't. When they get to that point, most people find out that they don't.

 

Which is why this site exists.

 

This is pretty true.

 

I had an Ex who once told me a few months post BU she LOVED me but was no longer IN LOVE with me. So i guess she didn't want to hang around and work out if that love was the real deal or not.

 

She said something else quite interesting when I met up with her like 10 yrs later. She said that in her current relationship, she had learned how to somehow turn her LOVE for someone back to being IN LOVE. She said it took some effort on her part but she realized that had she applied that to me 10 years ago, we may have never broke up. I assume waht she meant was she realized that with patience and some effort on her part, her partner responded allowing her to feel IN LOVE again.

[Amelie1980]

I have to say if I had a man in my life who loved me and was willing to support me whilst I was out of work and was willing in a couple of years to potentially move to my home town for me, once he has his career sorted, would I stay with him or go running home to my mommy?

 

Id stay with him....! I'd support him and Id find work in that town. If i loved him. I wouldn't risk losing him.

 

give and take is life. Love has to be realistic too. Blowing kisses and eternal declarations doesn't pay the bills. What the ex wants means they will both be out of work and he will have given up a good job for her.

 

She wont bend at all...therefore I don't think she loves him enough if I am honest.

Edited December 13, 2015 by Amelie1980

[Marc878]

Obviously it's all about what she wants. Move on. It'll fade with time

[Blanco]

The fact that most people here seem to think OP is a guy shows that they don't know her situation with this particular relationship. Read up and you will reconsider any encouragement for her to keep pursuing this woman.

[Amelie1980]

The fact that most people here seem to think OP is a guy shows that they don't know her situation with this particular relationship. Read up and you will reconsider any encouragement for her to keep pursuing this woman.

 

To be fair....the ops name is gender neutral and unless you pick thru old posts you wouldn't know. I hadnt noticed sorry!

 

For all the difference it makes. Love is love. Same principles apply no matter straight or gay.

 

I agree they shouldn't encourage anyone to give up job security and relocate to no job for someone who wont give an inch.

Edited December 13, 2015 by Amelie1980

[DontBreakEven]

Sry man...

 

I was 9 years LDR and I and many other dumpees on this site would kill to be in your position.

 

Unless your partner has stopped loving you (i.e. lost interest)... there is definitely hope.

 

Pull yourself together man... while there is still time.

 

Its not her job to make you happy... its your job to make you happy.

 

Once armed with that special piece of information you can relocate to another city and you can be happy regardless because you will be happy in your own skin. Stop focusing on the negatives.

 

Believe me once she sees your respecting yourself and your hapiness she won't care if it takes you a while to find your feet and find a job etc.

 

Believe man.... if you love her, that takes precedence over all. Stop over-thinking the situation and standing in concrete..... or you'll become like the rest of us dumpees (i.e. with no hope of reconciliation).

 

She's definitely close to checking out of the relationship but it may be still salvageable.

 

Take action and go for it !!!!!!!

 

P.S. I was once in your position where i felt stuck with my job and personal issues and I could hardly see her in her home country. For about 18 months I tried to come up with solutions and kept banging my head against a brick wall. In the end that over-procrastination lost me the girl. Sure some of the decisions were scary but in hindsight I would have jumped in a second. Don't be like I was and sit your hands. At least make a trip there and see how you feel there... believe me it will seem less scary once u get there. Remember, YOU DON"T OWN THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS !!!!!

 

Oh and when she asks her why you love her, tell her she inspires you ... tell her she makes you a better man.... tell her you respect her.

 

Completely disagree. If that were the case, you could make the same argument for her ... if she loves me, to stay in this town with me until we can get our careers sorted out. We met here. There was no talk of moving the first half of the relationship. Why do I need to be the one to relocate suddenly because she misses her parents? I'm sorry ... I'm the most hopeless romantic there is ... but that would be quite foolish in my book.

[DontBreakEven]

I have to say if I had a man in my life who loved me and was willing to support me whilst I was out of work and was willing in a couple of years to potentially move to my home town for me, once he has his career sorted, would I stay with him or go running home to my mommy?

 

Id stay with him....! I'd support him and Id find work in that town. If i loved him. I wouldn't risk losing him.

 

give and take is life. Love has to be realistic too. Blowing kisses and eternal declarations doesn't pay the bills. What the ex wants means they will both be out of work and he will have given up a good job for her.

 

She wont bend at all...therefore I don't think she loves him enough if I am honest.

 

Thank you for your insight. I completely agree with you.

 

And the last part - I think deep down, that's the problem. And it hurts. She loves me ... but just not enough.

[Blanco]

I don't really care that the OP is a woman; just saying that anyone thinking she's a guy would indicate they are unfamiliar with her history with this woman. Didn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. Most people in the thread she started about it a year ago were screaming for her to get away; her updates made it sound like things only got much crazier as time went on.

 

That's a flaw on this site, and a tough one to address: A person making multiple threads about issues that all tie back to the same relationship. It's hard to have context when this happens. Mods do a good job of consolidating these threads when they get a heads up. But then you have cases like this where the OP's relationship issues have been documented on this site over several years rather than several weeks or months.

[DontBreakEven]

If you can't tell her why you love her, then it is probably a pretty safe bet that you're IN LOVE with her, but that doesn't mean you actually love her.

 

Being IN LOVE is like you describe, there really is no "why", and the reason for that is because you're still getting to know the person. Pretty much everything about her feels great, because your brain had a chemical reaction to her. When that stops happening, and you don't feel it anymore that's when you'll figure out whether you really love her or not, and you'll know why you do or don't. When they get to that point, most people find out that they don't.

 

Which is why this site exists.

 

I agree. I'm definitely in love with her. I love her too ... but the in love portion is what is making me not care anything about being logical in this situation.

[DontBreakEven]

The fact that most people here seem to think OP is a guy shows that they don't know her situation with this particular relationship. Read up and you will reconsider any encouragement for her to keep pursuing this woman.

 

Blanco knows my situation way too well. I'm pretty sure he despises me.

 

Yes, I am one of those annoying posters who can't see the writing on the wall. I'm also extremely in love. It's been 10 weeks NC, friggin 7 months broken up, and I'm not any less in love. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm falling into a depression.

[Blanco]

I don't despise you. I just don't like to see anyone pursuing a visibly toxic relationship.

[Amelie1980]

Yeah if you look at NellBell86 & her nc challenge....i looked into her posting history and the mods had collated all of her threads on this one guy. I nearly died when I read it all together from the first post to the last on one thread. It sounded totally unhinged and if they hadnt been collated together, you wouldn't know the back story.

[mightycpa]

I don't really care that the OP is a woman; just saying that anyone thinking she's a guy would indicate they are unfamiliar with her history with this woman. Didn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. Most people in the thread she started about it a year ago were screaming for her to get away; her updates made it sound like things only got much crazier as time went on.

 

That's a flaw on this site, and a tough one to address: A person making multiple threads about issues that all tie back to the same relationship. It's hard to have context when this happens. Mods do a good job of consolidating these threads when they get a heads up. But then you have cases like this where the OP's relationship issues have been documented on this site over several years rather than several weeks or months.

You mean we give ****ty advice sometimes, based on an incomplete picture?

 

I thought that was a given.

[DontBreakEven]

I kind of love the banter on this forum.

 

Here's the thing about my posting history:

 

I made this profile when I went through the breakup of my engagement in early 2014. I met my current ex about 6 months later in the summer of 2014, and yes, I did post a couple things in the beginning, and then I wasn't on the site for a good 9 months.

 

When she and I broke up, I made another profile for that breakup as it was a whole new issue. 2 reasons I didn't keep up with that profile: 1) I got super paranoid that I was being a bit too obvious about my situation and that maybe she would somehow stumble upon it on the net. 2) One night I was curious to read old postings about the broken engagement so I logged onto my old profile about the ex-fiance, and found the posts I had made about the beginning of my relationship with the current ex. I was shocked to read it, because I didn't remember making those posts. And obviously something was bothering me enough to come to Loveshack to post about it ... so I decided to continue back with this profile when discussing this breakup due to that interesting history I had posted here about 2 months into dating her.

 

Yes, there were glaring red flags that we telling me this was going to be a difficult relationship. I still have never felt the same way about anyone as I do her.

[marky00]

Completely disagree. If that were the case, you could make the same argument for her ... if she loves me, to stay in this town with me until we can get our careers sorted out. We met here. There was no talk of moving the first half of the relationship. Why do I need to be the one to relocate suddenly because she misses her parents? I'm sorry ... I'm the most hopeless romantic there is ... but that would be quite foolish in my book.

 

Well the thing is you are here posting, she isn't it.

 

I was in your exact position, I held my ground and she walked and never looked back.

 

I understand why you want to hold you ground... its human nature to do so... but I'm just warning you that in this situation...you will lose her guaranteed because as its stands she isn't as emotionally invested as you are.

 

Sometimes in relationships, someone goes though a crisis... the other partner "gets on top" in the relationship and its very hard to turn down that dynamic around. In my experience the only thing that turns that around (its not easy) is self-love, being positive and putting yourself out there.

 

The loss of the relationship will hurt you more than any of those other things that concern you... Believe me !!!!!

 

I think it is possible to consider a relocation if you do the move for yourself... your not moving there for her (you want to be with her remember). Be a little selfish, think positive, keep respecting yourself and then it doesn't matter what city your in.

 

I remember having the exact same attitude... why can't she come here blah blah blah. Once you go down that road, resentment grows on both sides and the relationship is doomed. This is not about playing a game or achieving points.. its about being happy (don't over-think it).

 

Fair enough about your financial security. If that matters more to you than the relationship... then that's fine and totally understandable. Each situation is different, every relationship is different so there is no right or wrong answer with respect to that.

Edited December 13, 2015 by marky00