This girl I am dating is very "sex-positive" and seems to want an open relationship

[regdent]

I started dating this girl pretty recently. We got matched on coffeemeetsbagel. She said, "By the way, I am a feminist and also very sex-positive, so we can definitely meet if you are cool with that." I decided to give it a shot. Things have been going well thus far. Sex with her is incredible. I think we both love each other's company. We have been very open about things. We are on the same wavelength with regards to a lot of things, but there is one thing I feel ambivalent about.

 

She is really into experimenting with sex. She is bisexual. She has told me about her fantasies and her past experiences. For her an ideal relationship is an "open relationship" that will allow both her and her partner to do things with other people too. I've never believed monogamy really works in the long run, so I initially thought the idea of it was cool. Besides, I am exploring other "options" as well. It is probably too early to even think about being in a relationship with her and stuff, but I am bothered by the fact that she has a regular **** buddy and guy friends from the past that she has sex with when they come to town. I can't say I love what she does with them.

 

I actually had a conversation with her this morning about this because she told me a guy friend is visiting for two days. I asked her about her plans with this guy, and she said she might bang him tomorrow. So I asked, "So, what's the difference between a guy or guys you're dating and f buddies?" Her response was, "The friends are just for sex, and I don't do anything more. Sex does not mean much to me. What I really care about is an emotional connection."

 

I really love spending time with her because she seems to "get me." However, this is my first time dating someone who's so openly "sex-positive," and I am not feeling 100% comfortable. As you can probably tell, I am already feeling jealous. I have had a few FWB situations before, but I have never been in an "open relationship." It is such a foreign concept to me. Please share your experiences and thoughts.

[Qboro90]

I think you need to really have an open discussion with her sooner rather than later. Understand that there's the possibility she doesn't want to change her open sexual lifestyle and that might be the end of it for you and her though by doing this. Although I don't really see any other way around it if I were you unless you just want to keep quiet and let her do her thing even though it makes you uneasy and makes you jealous. Also realize that the jealousy and feelings you don't enjoy are only going to get worse and worse the longer you see her and don't say anything.

 

Is it just the fact that she sleeps with other guys that bothers you? Is is the fact that she openly tells you about it or her plans to engage in sexual activity with them?

 

If that's the case you can say that this is all new for you and you want to establish some courtesies and guidelines as far as you two go. Tell her you don't want to hear about the guys she's with and that you need to be 100% sure she's being safe and using protection for your own sanity and health which should be obvious.

If you can't handle her sleeping with other guys then you have to bring that up to her. Tell her you're not asking her to be exclusive with you or commit to a serious long term RS but you do want to feel like you're the only guy sexually involved with her. If she's not happy with that then you two just simply will not work out.

[jen1447]

I'm wide open (no pun intended haha) and I can tell just from the way you talk that this isn't the lifestyle for you. It's not wrong or right, just your values aren't aligned with it. I'd move on and look for someone you can be monogamous with. I doubt you'll 'get used to' open relationships ....that's not usually how it works, you're either that person or you're not.

 

btw, believing monogamy doesn't work in the long run (a philosophical outlook from the sound) is vastly different than living a life where men and women bang away at your GF on the regular, which is as in-your-face real life as it gets.

[TheTraveler]

I'm wide open (no pun intended haha) and I can tell just from the way you talk that this isn't the lifestyle for you. It's not wrong or right, just your values aren't aligned with it. I'd move on and look for someone you can be monogamous with. I doubt you'll 'get used to' open relationships ....that's not usually how it works, you're either that person or you're not.

 

btw, believing monogamy doesn't work in the long run (a philosophical outlook from the sound) is vastly different than living a life where men and women bang away at your GF on the regular, which is as in-your-face real life as it gets.

 

Agree with the above.

 

OP, you do not seem comfortable with it and you're already feeling jelous. Continue to have her on the side(open relationship) if you want and find someone else.

[LoveRefreshed]

Hi! Your situation sounds tough! You have a lot more willingness than I do. I recently started a relationship with a woman who has been in nothing but open or poly relationships in the last ten years.

 

I told her up front that I was unable to have a relationship that wasn't monogamous. I told her we could bang and she could do what she wants, but if she wanted anything more with me, then it had to be monogamous.

 

She might care enough about your emotional connection and forsake her random sex that 'she doesn't care that much for'. If she doesn't care that much for sex, and you care a lot about a monogamous relationship, their is no shame or reason a sex positive woman can't enjoy a monogamous relationship.

 

With my girlfriend, we are very open and talk about boundaries, needs, and desires. Right now she is very happy with just us two. We talk about things from time to time, the last time I brought it up, she said she just was loving the two of us and told me to not even worry about it right now.

 

You can work with her on boundaries and find a level that works for the two of you. I worry mostly that emotions are impossible to control and you can't control who you fall in love with. I fell that sex catalyzes emotions, so for me, there's no guarantee she can give that makes me feel safe that she won't fall in love with someone else. I'd be unable to handle **** buddies and sex with friends. I'd have to be more swinger style to handle it I think. Maybe you can find boundaries the two of you are comfortable with if you communicate.

 

I wouldn't even try to be with my gf if it wasn't for her ability to communicate with me. It's the most important aspect, IMO, to navigating any relationship, especially an open one. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about it in private, as well.

[Els]

How important is an open relationship to YOU? You say you don't believe monogamy works in the long run, so what would your ideal relationship be like? How serious are you about needing an open R?

 

If you're serious about it and it's important to you, then I do think you need to reexamine your feelings of jealousy. If you're getting jealous so easily, then chances are you're not really cut out for the whole open R thing, in which case you would probably need to reexamine your thoughts about monogamy. Basically, if you want a R, don't want to be monogamous, AND can't stand the thought of your gf being with other people, you're sorta looking for a combination where the cake both exists and yet is eaten.

 

If it's not that important to you... then she's not the girl for you. Bail and look for a girl who isn't into open relationships and be monogamous with her.

[Mumbles]

I'm going to come at this from a different angle to the other posters.

 

It might be that meeting this girl will afford you the opportunity that few have where you can fully explore your own real feelings about it. You're not in a LTR (yet), no kids, nothing, you're just buddies who do the dirty deed - you will only seldom, if at all, be given such an opportunity to explore things if your own feelings are a bit ambivalent.

 

So much of this stuff is social conditioning I think. I've been pondering this for ages. I came off the back of an incel marriage of 10 years which was just eating me alive. We were both monogamous but didn't have sex with each other It was -that- which killed the marriage because I just couldn't deal with it over the long term.

 

So, separation ensued and, after several years alone I pursued a pretty hedonistic lifestyle that included frequenting escorts, more than one of which became a 'girlfriend' and one of whom became my new wife (now of 2.5 years).

 

This is where I will try to tie in to the OP. My natural reaction, based upon, frankly, nothing but social conditioning, was that when a girl became 'the girlfriend' that monogamy would then ensue.

 

Speaking of my girlfriends here more than my current wife, 'monogamy' just wasn't ever going to be part of the equation. These girlfriends had high paying jobs and were successful, far far in excess of what I could offer in replacement finances, so, to insist on monogamy meant that they'd lose their job and income - take a serious pay haircut (in the order of $200-300K a year) just to be with me (!!!)

 

Needless to say, this never happened, they kept working and, eventually, when I finally got my head in the right place, I kept seeing other women. In the beginning, I had a real internal struggle with the concept - it just freaked me out.

 

I think a lot of the mind-set problem is historical and based upon the paternity of children. Not many guys will want to raise another mans children. Thats a whole conversation on its own and I won't explore it here - though I do think its legitimate and something you both deeply need to think about if having a family is something either of you want in the future.

 

The other thing which looms large in these enlightened times is the fear of serious STD's, some of which are life threatening. This too is very relevant and worth more than a moment of consideration. Even if you've had the serious 'talk' with your girl, you don't really ever know what goes on behind closed doors and shouldn't assume anything. Unprotected oral sex under the right circumstances can be almost as dangerous as unprotected penetrative sex and both inside and outside the sex industry unprotected oral sex (at least!) is rampant.

 

But lets assume you consider both of the above and they fall within your own personal risk tolerance. Whats the problem thats left?

 

1) You get jealous because you feel that you might not get sexed up as much as you otherwise might? In my experience this is false - ladies of this personality are often highly driven and are willing, able and enthusiastic enough to provide your quota and some !!

 

2) You get jealous because you mentally are overthinking the situation and start to play out the goings-on with other guys in your own mind? I suffered this (and still do), but think, really think, what is the basis of this feeling/these thoughts?

 

If you are sitting at home by the phone feeling horny and you know with 100% certainty that your lady love is out getting hers, its going to eat you up. So don't do that, never do that, the reality here is that you are also free to get out and about and if thats what you want, go and do exactly that.

 

Ultimately, I've found it to be terrifically freeing. In both a mental and physical sense.

 

Now, you do need to have a serious chat with your new girl. Her telling you the blow by blow dealings she has with other guys might actually be a sex-talk / dirty-talk thing for her - it might be part of foreplay in her mind, this is not uncommon. If this makes you exceedingly uncomfortable then let her know. She'll tone it down.

 

If she's out for the night or the weekend with one of her FB's, thats fine. Stay home and do your thing if thats what you want, or, if you want, go out and find a nice like minded girl for the weekend yourself. Once you open your mind a bit and start mingling in the right circles (and your girl will help you here if you don't already flow in these circles) then you'll be surprised at how pervasive this is ... its hardly 'niche' anymore (if it ever was).

 

Life is too short, far too short, to be writing-off lifestyles that haven't even been tried before. So, give it a go, but never lose sense of your own self. If, after an appropriate amount of time you really come to the conclusion that this isn't for you - well, thats fine, you can make an actual informed decision and move on.

 

One thing I will say before I finish is this: Be honest, always be honest. If you both fall into some sort of weird 'sneaking around' behavior then, imho, this isn't healthy. You both need to work out where your boundaries are, with respect to letting out the details, but details aside, if you've been out banging a girl (or several) all weekend, then you should be able to tell her that, using appropriate language of course. Likewise for her, though from the OP I don't think this is a problem from her end.

[central]

Sometimes, you can adapt and adjust to accept an open relationship and be happy about it. If the issue is jealousy, that is pretty normal, and can often be overcome - if you're willing to make the effort. A classic on responsible non-monogamy that also deals with handling jealousy is "The Ethical Slut." Check it out - it may be what you need right now.