trippi1432 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 At what point should you give a man the benefit of the doubt when it comes to dating? After a breakup last month, I decided to try a dating site again. The breakup, a short 2 month good relationship with an agonizing two months more of an ex-GF befriending him and his feelings being muddled. I walked. So, 3 weeks later, I joined OLD and saw all the familiar faces from earlier this year....God!! Poor souls... I guess me being one of them now too...sigh. I saw one that I'd not seen before...and he had not been online in 3 weeks, so I messaged him. He replied within an hour. We chatted through the site for a couple of days and then he sent his cell number. We chatted for a few more days as he kept wanting to meet. Turned out that we had common friends in the local music industry, good dad (which is important to me), similar backgrounds and he has been single from his ex-wife for over a year. We had our first date this past Thursday. I almost was ready to cancel it actually...I offered up a restaurant, he offered up one more expensive. It was actually a locale that I go to with my girlfriends and not a date. We really hit it off and I felt that I could tell him anything about myself as did he. It was really a great experience, he had it going on ...down to remembering the waitresses name to making sure I stepped down on the curb and holding my arm so I didn't fall. Opened my door, drove me home and very nice passionate kisses. He said he wanted us to get together this weekend, we are also both musicians, so everything just seemed to fit. We chatted the next day a bit and he sent me a message that he was out to dinner but thinking of me. I sent one back that I was thinking of him too. He sent another one later that he was home but I was already asleep and didn't see it til the next day. I sent him a couple of message over the weekend and he sent one back that he was shopping with his daughter's.....; which I totally respect and told him to have fun but I didn't envy him in the crowds. He sent a LOL!! That's the last I've heard of him in over 24 hours............changed his mind? Busy? He hasn't been on the dating site in a week since he started talking to me. I just wish I knew he was okay, where do you not emotionally invest anymore? I did send him a message that I just want to know that he is okay, and we can just leave it at that. To me, this was crap. I have no problem with a man who doesn't call after a date. And I guess it's a good lesson learned on keeping away from men who are figuring themselves out. I dated a guy once who was 10 years post divorce.......and he still didn't have his shi*t together.......I've really given up on any good men out there, the ones I've dated since my divorce have been 300% better than my ex-H....and should just be appreciated from a distance. I know that sounds negative, but my friends keep telling me to move on and this guy is crap. Has anyone else had this type of experience in dating and am I stupid for giving him the benefit of the doubt?
winny Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Whats your question really? Are you thinking so much just after one date? Chill. Dont bother and start looking at other guys. If he comes back later with a good explanation u can give him a chance. 3
Gaeta Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 I have had this experience tons of time. What hit me in your story is you asked when you should stop investing yourself. Dear, you should not have invested yourself AT ALL at this time. Here's how online works. The 1st 3 dates means nothing. They can disappear or lose interest any time during those first 3 dates. When a man invites you out for a 4th date than you can start thinking MAYBE this man will stick around but still don't invest yourself too much. When you'll have dated a good 2 to 3 months THEN you can start thinking this is heading to something with some substance. You are way expecting too much. You had 1 date with this man, why do you expect him to contact you each day? he may or may not come back. He may not be the kind to text each day, he may be seeing someone else as well which is not a fault at this time in the game. RELAX. You had ONE date and you talk like you're in a relationship with him. 5
Author trippi1432 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 I think I just hate that a man invest so much to make an impression, have experienced that in the first six months of a relationship actually.....I just wish guys were who they are and it didn't waste a year of MY life to find out who they are. I'm trying to approach this dating thing as not to waste my life...very good points and I appreciate that.
Author trippi1432 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 I have had this experience tons of time. What hit me in your story is you asked when you should stop investing yourself. Dear, you should not have invested yourself AT ALL at this time. Here's how online works. The 1st 3 dates means nothing. They can disappear or lose interest any time during those first 3 dates. When a man invites you out for a 4th date than you can start thinking MAYBE this man will stick around but still don't invest yourself too much. When you'll have dated a good 2 to 3 months THEN you can start thinking this is heading to something with some substance. You are way expecting too much. You had 1 date with this man, why do you expect him to contact you each day? he may or may not come back. He may not be the kind to text each day, he may be seeing someone else as well which is not a fault at this time in the game. RELAX. You had ONE date and you talk like you're in a relationship with him. Internally for me, there is more than that, I don't expect anything more from him and you are right, I'm investing more than I should. This has been a really crap year...I liked him, fourth time I've been dumped or walked away from BS this year. And men complain..............
mrldii Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Wait. What? Give the benefit of what doubt? You went on one date with him and now it's been *GASP* 24 hour (whole?!?) hours and you haven't heard from him?!? Yes, I'd give him "the benefit of the doubt" that he had a life before he met me and that he probably is continuing to live His Life after meeting me on our one date. Hell, he might even be spending part of his life (yanno, the last 24 hours of it) with his daughter, with whom he mentioned he was spending time, and maybe the rest of it paying bills, doing laundry, cleaning his house, whatever didn't get done while he was shopping with her. Chill. It's not *like* he stood you up at the altar...it was one date. 3
smackie9 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 This guy isn't crap, your anxiety is causing a mess. 6
Author trippi1432 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 This guy isn't crap, your anxiety is causing a mess. Agreed.....
angel.eyes Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) Out of curiosity, did you guys discuss another date? Frankly, I tend to be laser focused on that. No date on the calendar? How quickly he responds to my texts is largely irrelevant to me. Either way, I think worrying is premature on every level. It's been 24 hours since you last heard from him. Even if he never contacts you again, it was one date. You barely knew each other...on to the next. If he does get back to you in a reasonable timeframe, his focus ideally should be on securing a second date, not idle chit chat with no purpose. Edited December 14, 2015 by angel.eyes
xcupid Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 You've judged this guy - possibly unfairly. You're WAY too invested in this after just one date. Relax and see if it unfolds. 1
Author trippi1432 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Wait. What? Give the benefit of what doubt? You went on one date with him and now it's been *GASP* 24 hour (whole?!?) hours and you haven't heard from him?!? Yes, I'd give him "the benefit of the doubt" that he had a life before he met me and that he probably is continuing to live His Life after meeting me on our one date. Hell, he might even be spending part of his life (yanno, the last 24 hours of it) with his daughter, with whom he mentioned he was spending time, and maybe the rest of it paying bills, doing laundry, cleaning his house, whatever didn't get done while he was shopping with her. Chill. It's not *like* he stood you up at the altar...it was one date. This is actually what my dad told me tonight too... I hate that I have these friends who say to drop a man before he has proven who he is, I've left things open for him. He has his daughter's this week, and as a single parent I know how that is. Counter point taken as well.....I have much to do myself and should invest more in it.
Author trippi1432 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Out of curiosity, did you guys discuss another date? Frankly, I tend to be laser focused on that. No date on the calendar? How quickly he responds to my texts is largely irrelevant to me. Either way, I think worrying is premature on every level. It's been 24 hours since you last heard from him. Even if he never contacts you again, it was one date. You barely knew each other...on to the next. If he does get back to you in a reasonable timeframe, his focus ideally should be on securing a second date, not idle chit chat with no purpose. Yeah, we were supposed to get together this weekend on a music project and he wanted to see me again. Earlier this year, talk to a guy on a dating site go on a date and no call back....didn't care. Here's where the **** lies.........................guys!! IF you aren't interested, be honest, don't pull a woman to be interested in you and then complain when the next one isn't. If you aren't interested............don't BS I just wish men were more honest...I still hope he is.
Author trippi1432 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 Okay.....everyone can laugh at me now. :o:o His phone was out of service but he got up with me yesterday on the dating site. His phone is fixed now, and yes, I went into a state of panic. Just sooooo much chemistry between us. With the year I've had, being dumped three times by "nice guys" because "I deserve better", this guy IS the better that I deserve.
Gaeta Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 With the year I've had, being dumped three times by "nice guys" because "I deserve better", this guy IS the better that I deserve. honey girl, you don't know that yet do you? LET the man show you who he is before calling him 'the better you deserve'. If you stick around here you will see that men (women) pull crap on their dates pretty much at any time before a solid 3 months dating. 5
Author trippi1432 Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 honey girl, you don't know that yet do you? LET the man show you who he is before calling him 'the better you deserve'. If you stick around here you will see that men (women) pull crap on their dates pretty much at any time before a solid 3 months dating. Been here since 2009, been there, got the t-shirt and these threads are great for advice, but doesn't have to be YOUR life. You can be with someone for 15 years and not really know how much of a f***tard they can become. Husband 1, serial cheater and we were way too young, Husband 2, abusive narcissist. Post divorce, six years later, I've met better men (even if it ended), than those two a**clowns. Dumper 1 this year, took the coward's way out with immediate NC due to cold feet (LDR...that's how they go even if it is your best friend's brother). Dumper 2, should have never been on OLD not having gone through his issues....but was the sweetest "I'm not ready yet" and "I deserve better" message I ever got. Dumper 3, awesome musician, great guy....was head over heels for him. He had his own ED issues and let me go (not that I wanted that but he had issues about me that I didn't care to hear, the fact that he has run off 15 band members in four months made me wonder how I made 4 months). So yes, I am moving toward the "better that I deserve". It might not be this guy.... I DO hear you Gaeta, but each guy I extend an interest or a chance in has been so much better than the previous guy....so that keeps me hopeful that there are really good guys out there still, despite what we read here.
Author trippi1432 Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 If it don't flow, let it go. *Cough Cough* In what context??? :lmao: Sorry, I still do have my sense of "sick" humor.
Gaeta Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 So yes, I am moving toward the "better that I deserve". It might not be this guy.... I DO hear you Gaeta, but each guy I extend an interest or a chance in has been so much better than the previous guy....so that keeps me hopeful that there are really good guys out there still, despite what we read here. Yes there are good guys but 2 dates is too soon for you to give them that title. All those bad relationships you listed you didn't know after 2 dates they were going to end up narcissist or abusive. Keep the 'good guy' title for 3 month mark. I'm just telling you to protect yourself. I don't know how many times my 'prince charming' disappeared or ended up being a fake after a couple of months. 1
Author trippi1432 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 So, thought I would update this. I guess I will just rack that guy as Mr. December 2015. He was exactly the type of guy I've been looking for, obviously I wasn't what he was looking for since he dumped me on NYE telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I had no problem with that and thanked him for his honesty.........However, he also disclosed that he felt bad to have to tell me this on NYE because....... He was going to be at the same place I was going to be at with a woman he had previously met who lived out of town. Yes, things moved very fast considering he lives 9 miles from me and works just 2 miles up the road, so when we moved into the sex part of things, the only thing I really asked for was monogamy if we were going to have sex. I don't really consider that to be wrong, I've had men tell me that they are not into women who multi-date or have multiple sexual partners. Originally, he couldn't get together for New Year's Eve as he was supposed to have his kids BUT he was hitting me up two days prior to dumping me for sex. I'm sure he was there but I didn't look for him or even care if he was. I went, had a great time and saw New Year's in with several of my friends. Later, when I got home, I messaged him Happy New Year and that I didn't see him. He read it immediately and then I blocked him and all guys I dated in 2015 from social media and my phone. A few days later, I got back on the dating site and noticed he was online and had viewed my profile. I hit his profile up, he immediately got offline and hasn't been back on the site since or perhaps blocked me, either way, don't care. This week, I've had a couple of lunch dates with different guys, one who turns me off as he wants to move too fast and another one who seems to have his s**t together. Looking forward to 2016 being a better year by leaving the baggage of "dumpers" who say I deserve better behind in 2015. Still looking for the better that I deserve.
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