Ghosting explained

[No_Go]

Reading the criticism in some post... made me feel really guilty, but IMO the original article sets it right.

 

I've never been able to do ghosting but have pulled the icing strategy because I felt horrible to tell the person I'm not interested / met someone else.

... So I've said things like "Things in my life are so messed up right now that I'm not able to date"... Disappeared then. One of the guys is contacting me 1.5 years after this white lie... I continue icing him and he's not getting the clue

 

I suppose that something similar happened to the gf of the poster describing ghosting/icing after 10 months due to "traumatic event" (yes, it is traumatic to tell a person directly you're not interested (anymore)..)

[ravfour4]

I ghosted someone recently. Here's the background:

 

First date a few months ago - she was fun, but I was seeing my ex the next day so I didn't really care about it.

 

Over the next few months she kept sending me snapchats and she looked cute.

 

Second date a few weeks ago, it became clear that I had zero physical attraction for her, that she was boring, immature, had a ton of irrational fears, prioritized weird things in her life and lived at home with her parents. I had planned a romantic dinner, but I made up an excuse to get her out because she didn't seem worth it and I didn't want to lead her on.

 

She messaged me that night and the day after and I didn't respond. I didn't want to say "I was repulsed by you" or "I'm sorry I just don't think this will work" because she may come back with "make what work?" Or "well you're an *******!!"

 

I also hated when my ex's kept in contact with me, I wish they had ghosted me (after the break up, not as the break up) for my own healing.

[katiegrl]

I ghosted someone recently. Here's the background:

 

First date a few months ago - she was fun, but I was seeing my ex the next day so I didn't really care about it.

 

Over the next few months she kept sending me snapchats and she looked cute.

 

Second date a few weeks ago, it became clear that I had zero physical attraction for her, that she was boring, immature, had a ton of irrational fears, prioritized weird things in her life and lived at home with her parents. I had planned a romantic dinner, but I made up an excuse to get her out because she didn't seem worth it and I didn't want to lead her on.

 

She messaged me that night and the day after and I didn't respond. I didn't want to say "I was repulsed by you" or "I'm sorry I just don't think this will work" because she may come back with "make what work?" Or "well you're an *******!!"

 

I also hated when my ex's kept in contact with me, I wish they had ghosted me (after the break up, not as the break up) for my own healing.

 

When you're not interested and the person keeps texting you.... I really do think you should send a quick text back letting her know you just didn't feel enough chemistry to move forward (or something like that) and leave it at that.

 

If she continues to text, then you are within your right to just ignore (and not feel guilty about it).

 

What I was talking about in my post, and what I am appalled by, is when men (and women) ghost after months of dating, which is actually by then a RL.

 

That to me is cruel and selfish, and borders on sociopathic.

 

But after a couple of dates, I wouldn't beat yourself up about it (not that you are...lol)... although if someone continues to text you, the nice thing to do would be to let them know you're not interested, and if they continue to text, just ignore.

 

Or just block them...

[WhirlwindGuy]

...This past august i had met someone online. Profile seemed good. Doctor, funny w/o needing attention, physically attractive in my eyes, etc. So I emailed her (OLD) and 2-3 days later she responded. I replied back, another 2-3 days to respond. Email again - 1-2 days.....good right? After 3-4 back and forths I emailed her......no response.....2 weeks......ok - no worries. She responded 2 1/2 - 3 weeks later.....apologizing, (find out later her dad had gotten sick) etc. Ok - exchange a few more emails, get her number, talk a few times on the phone, setup date 1. Goes okay. Very dry humor, not very exciting personality, but I don't like needy or attention seekers so we'll deal with that, everything else seemed fine. Agreed to date two.....another 1-2 weeks go by with emails, phone, etc. Second date - ok. Initial plan didn't work out but we were both flexible....then......... date was on a Friday. Waited till monday to call/text/email....no response till Wed.....says she's "busy" and can't do this weekend or next week...ok......about 2 weekslater - text out of the blue....and it wasn't even apologetic on timing....asking me questions about the presidential debate. Seriously? Sorry - ghosted.

 

 

 

This sounds eerily similar to a woman I have been "dating" she is also a doctor and has admitted that she has a hard time with prioritization due to her career, school before that, etc.

 

 

It is a shame, because I think she has a lot of potential, but how do you deal with that type of availability long term? I could deal with it for now, its probably better actually, but I couldn't imagine how anything would ever develop.

Edited December 14, 2015 by WhirlwindGuy

[deckard11]

Thank you for posting this. I was ghosted by a so called friend of 7 years just last year around this time. But I think you can add anger and rage to the what it does to the recipient part because that's what I felt.

Edited December 14, 2015 by deckard11

[rester]

I particularly agree with what it does to the recipient of ghosting. I still resent my ex-boyfriend who ghosted after 6 months dating. That ended 2 years ago and I still deeply resent him.

 

After 6 months of dating?!?!?! He disappeared without a word?? What! That is awful

 

This same thing happened to me once. It was awful. She disappeared for a few days, which was highly unusual after our 6 months, and then it was one canceled date the next weekend and then I didn't hear back from her for 3 months. She can go to f'n hell.

 

 

I just got ghosted after 10 MONTHS.

 

That is utterly terrible. I don't know how people can live with themselves after doing that.

 

 

 

In my case, I got over it by realizing what a coward and poor communicator she was, and focusing on all her negative traits that I was ignoring, but I'm still resentful about it and don't fully understand it, despite looking at it from many many different angles.

[alphamale]

i've ghosted a lot of girls

[SalientPoint]

This same thing happened to me once. It was awful. She disappeared for a few days, which was highly unusual after our 6 months, and then it was one canceled date the next weekend and then I didn't hear back from her for 3 months. She can go to f'n hell.

 

 

 

 

That is utterly terrible. I don't know how people can live with themselves after doing that.

 

 

 

In my case, I got over it by realizing what a coward and poor communicator she was, and focusing on all her negative traits that I was ignoring, but I'm still resentful about it and don't fully understand it, despite looking at it from many many different angles.

 

 

Well my case was a little bit different in that eventually she did return to tell me that it wasn't me, she is going through some kind of traumatic event that she's not ready to talk about yet and may not ever be, but in the end the disappearance without explanation is the same. I don't really know if I have a right to be upset with her since trauma effects people in different ways. I think if I got assaulted (I don't know if that's what happened but I have a suspicion) I might not tell anyone for a long time, if ever, either.

 

But I still totally understand the feelings of resentment. I guess we've all dodged bullets in some form.

[TheBathWater]

I wish there was some kind of honest 'background check' you could run on a person's relationship history and see how they end relationships with others. I'll bet that would turn around all this social irresponsibility 'ghosting' crap REAL fast.

 

I say that tongue in cheek, of course. I don't honestly believe the way to solve a problem is by using the same method that caused the problem in the first place (i.e. technology).

[Calypso Girl]

Thanks Popsicle.

 

I now know I have been ghosted, Iced, and simmered.

 

I particularly agree with what it does to the recipient of ghosting. I still resent my ex-boyfriend who ghosted after 6 months dating. That ended 2 years ago and I still deeply resent him.[/quote

 

 

6 months??? Absolutely appalling. Sorry to hear this Gaeta. Just out of interest how old was he and did you try to contact him at any point, even in the initial stages?

[TaraMaiden2]

I wish there was some kind of honest 'background check' you could run on a person's relationship history and see how they end relationships with others. I'll bet that would turn around all this social irresponsibility 'ghosting' crap REAL fast.

 

I say that tongue in cheek, of course. I don't honestly believe the way to solve a problem is by using the same method that caused the problem in the first place (i.e. technology).

 

I always say this - even though I fully know and understand that 99.99% of the time it's both improbable and impossible...

 

When a lady meets a guy with a history of break-ups, or she's seeing a MM, or he regales her with tales of a hideous ex-wife who was wanton, cruel, heartless and merciless - it is would always be a very good idea to keep an open mind, and seek those women's side of things...

 

I think if half the women were able to talk to their current partner's previous/unknowing SO earlier on, there would be fewer duped people and fewer broken hearts, hanger-ons and ghostings.

 

And FAR fewer gaslighted slighteds....

[Saracena]

I don't think ghosting has anything to do with *not being able to deal with the pain they are about to inflict* on the other person.

 

They are not even thinking about the other person at all, and being concerned about the pain they are about to inflict would suggest such person has a conscience and feels guilt. They don't.

It is cruel and selfish.

 

I do think there are some individuals this applies to. However, from speaking to guys who've done this (to friends) it appears they're more concerned about the imaginary pain that could be inflicted on themselves, borne out of a (very often) perceived, over-inflated view of how strongly the women in question feel about them, which in turn could lead them to engage all sorts of retaliatory acts!! I rather enjoyed telling one guy a friend wasn't all that bothered-she wasn't! While there are some women who would react like this, I believe they're in the minority.

 

 

In addition, ghosting is regarded by some as leaving the door open for a possible return should things not work out with others. Again a rather deluded view since I can't imagine why anyone would wish to get back with someone who did this!

Edited December 15, 2015 by Saracena

[Gaeta]

Thanks Popsicle.

 

I now know I have been ghosted, Iced, and simmered.

 

I particularly agree with what it does to the recipient of ghosting. I still resent my ex-boyfriend who ghosted after 6 months dating. That ended 2 years ago and I still deeply resent him.[/quote

 

 

6 months??? Absolutely appalling. Sorry to hear this Gaeta. Just out of interest how old was he and did you try to contact him at any point, even in the initial stages?

 

He was 46 and me 48.

 

We had a full blown relationship with friends and family involved. Last thing he told me when he boarded his flight is I love you I'll call you as soon as I land. He never did hear from him again. He ignored all my text, emails, calls.

 

I reached to his adult daughter after a month and she told me she is upset at her father for not telling it's over he's not coming back. He told her he couldn't face me.

 

Finally 2 months later I got an email from him saying he was sorry, I was an amazing woman and I deserved better (he was right on that one).

 

That was 2 years ago. I went through all the mourning phases but the anger is still in me.

[katiegrl]

 

He was 46 and me 48.

 

We had a full blown relationship with friends and family involved. Last thing he told me when he boarded his flight is I love you I'll call you as soon as I land. He never did hear from him again. He ignored all my text, emails, calls.

 

I reached to his adult daughter after a month and she told me she is upset at her father for not telling it's over he's not coming back. He told her he couldn't face me.

 

Finally 2 months later I got an email from him saying he was sorry, I was an amazing woman and I deserved better (he was right on that one).

 

That was 2 years ago. I went through all the mourning phases but the anger is still in me.

 

I'm sorry Gaeta ...I cannot even imagine. hugs

 

Your story is pretty typical....at the time, all they think about are themselves.

 

But as in your case, later after they're gone and the *pressure* (in their minds) is gone, they start to realize the severity of what they did, and start to feel guilt.

 

This actually shows they have some semblance of a conscience ...but as you said are just cowards.

 

How did you move past this? Not to hijack, but you said you still feel resentment and anger and I am wondering if that experience has negatively tainted your view of men (in general) and your subsequent relationships....subconsciously?

 

It would be understandable if it did.....

Edited December 15, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

 

I'm sorry Gaeta ...I cannot even imagine. hugs

 

Your story is pretty typical....at the time, all they think about are themselves.

 

But as in your case, later after they're gone and the *pressure* (in their minds) is gone, they start to realize the severity of what they did, and start to feel guilt.

 

This actually shows they have some semblance of a conscience ...but as you said are just cowards.

 

How did you move past this? Not to hijack, but you said you still feel resentment and anger and I am wondering if that experience has negatively tainted your view of men (in general) and your subsequent relationships....subconsciously?

 

It would be understandable if it did.....

 

Thank you.

 

Life is mysterious I was able to move on from much worse in my love life but this betrayal is sticking with me. The next man I dated I dumped him at 3 months for leaving me with no news for 72 hours. I had no mercy for him and made him pay for what the 6-month guy did.

 

Remember how I often repeat to not believe one word out of a man's mouth? that is the result of that betrayal.

[TheBullFrog]

Interesting: I think I've been victim of all of those at one point in my life.. I've definitely pulled a simmer too. I would never pull that **** on anyone anymore. I'm as honest as possible (because I know how it feels) even when I get chased up on first dates I wasn't feeling. A lady I was dating last year pulled a ghost on me, It seemed to be going so well too!? I don't think I've ever met anyone that had so much in common before.. Just crazy!! I've seen her from time to time. I just look the other way.

 

 

The exact same thing happened to me recently.

 

After 4 dates it felt everything was so amazing and right, and there was a connection. I never kissed a girl so many times in those 4 dates. Then when I texted her I could see she never read it, so I called a few days later and she didn't recognize my number/recognize me. She claimed that there was an error on her mobile but I knew it was BS.

 

We continued to try date again a few more times but it went no where (after kissing and being told I was an amazing person). Then I got the whole freezing/simmering thing and the truth eventually came out. So in the end it was 3 months of my life wasted on a weak person. Lucky it wasn't longer.

 

I wish people would be honest and just end it if they don't feel it, not drag it out or just disappear.

Edited December 16, 2015 by TheBullFrog

[SpiralOut]

I still remember this one guy ghosted me after a couple months of dating. We were supposed to meet for a date and when I texted him asking him what time he wanted to meet up that night, he just never responded. He ignored all my calls.

 

 

A year or two later (or however long it was) he contacted me and pretended like nothing happened. When I asked what had happened he dodged my questions. I got fed up and told him that I didn't like what he had done and I wasn't going to talk to him if he can't even bother to explain himself or apologize. That's when suddenly he admitted his reasons.... none of which made any sense to me. I think the guy had problems. He wanted to meet up again but of course I wasn't interested anymore.

 

 

I saw his name on my facebook the other day, he runs some sort of fitness program now. I've forgiven him, hope he found someone.

 

 

I am guilty of ghosting people myself, usually I did it when we'd only had one or two dates. After a while I got better at being honest and telling guys I just wasn't interested.

[eyeam]

I think part of the problem is, people do it.. Especially women (sorry its true) because they think they're being kind and "letting you down softly". The reason being that if they tell a guy straight up "I not into you sorry" some guys (as my most of female friends have told me - at least once in there life) just go physco on them.. "What's wrong with me" "**** you then" become abusive etc etc. So, it's kind of understandable in a way.

[TheBathWater]

I think part of the problem is, people do it.. Especially women (sorry its true) because they think they're being kind and "letting you down softly". The reason being that if they tell a guy straight up "I not into you sorry" some guys (as my most of female friends have told me - at least once in there life) just go physco on them.. "What's wrong with me" "**** you then" become abusive etc etc. So, it's kind of understandable in a way.

 

In a way, yes. In another way though, I believe it is potentially more dangerous to a person's psyche to not say anything and leave them to their own imagination. Not good. Most people appreciate honest communication when it's delivered respectfully. I can only think of exactly 1 out of hundreds of people (friends, lovers, and family members) who I have attempted open communication with in recent years and had it completely blow up in my face. When I think about all the blowups I prevented by open communication, it was worth it.

 

If you just look around these forums and turn on the news, it becomes real obvious real fast that people are communicating less and less and hiding behind technology and excuses, and people are genuinely going crazy because of it. In the meantime, we are destroying each other and ourselves. Frankly, no one seems to want to do anything about it other than complain now and then. Humans are simply not designed to live in some technology matrix and not interact authentically with one another. Shame on us!

Edited December 16, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine

[TheBathWater]

The exact same thing happened to me recently.

 

After 4 dates it felt everything was so amazing and right, and there was a connection. I never kissed a girl so many times in those 4 dates. Then when I texted her I could see she never read it, so I called a few days later and she didn't recognize my number/recognize me. She claimed that there was an error on her mobile but I knew it was BS.

 

We continued to try date again a few more times but it went no where (after kissing and being told I was an amazing person). Then I got the whole freezing/simmering thing and the truth eventually came out. So in the end it was 3 months of my life wasted on a weak person. Lucky it wasn't longer.

 

I wish people would be honest and just end it if they don't feel it, not drag it out or just disappear.

 

Case in point. It is always more helpful to know what's up than to be left wondering and acting based on your best hopes, only to feel even more resentful and disappointed in the end.

 

Poor communication is poor communication. There are no excuses. People who do this to you and others are trying to assuage their own guilt, not your emotional pain. It's human selfishness. Ironically, it only creates more problems and awkward feelings for everyone in the end. It literally makes no rational sense.

 

I remember when I was 19 years old and people dated more maturely and honestly. Seriously.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes.... a well-known comedian (in the UK) was trying to explain the concept and tradition of mistletoe to his son... How (laughing) even 'ugly got lucky' because it was an unmistakeable invitation to get flirty....

 

"But Dad," protested his son, "We've got tinder now!"

 

It might be a great thing to 'move with the times' but there are distinct disadvantages with doing things the modern way.

 

There's a lot to be said for Courting in the old-fashioned way... and Ed Sheeran has vowed to give up on Social Media, which definitely says something for the young feller....

 

Final message on Twitter....?

 

“Hello all. I’m taking a break from my phone, emails and all social media for a while, I’ve had such an amazing ride over the last 5 years but I find myself seeing the world through a screen and not my eyes so I’m taking this opportunity of me not having to be anywhere or do anything to travel the world and see everything I’ve missed,” Sheeran wrote.

 

It's sad that this is precisely the way most young people also see the world. Via a screen.

 

Who the hell had a clue what 'ghosting', 'Icing' or 'simmering' were?

 

You either courted or you didn't!

[insert_name]

Case in point. It is always more helpful to know what's up than to be left wondering and acting based on your best hopes, only to feel even more resentful and disappointed in the end.

 

Poor communication is poor communication. There are no excuses. People who do this to you and others are trying to assuage their own guilt, not your emotional pain. It's human selfishness. Ironically, it only creates more problems and awkward feelings for everyone in the end. It literally makes no rational sense.

 

I remember when I was 19 years old and people dated more maturely and honestly. Seriously.

 

In those days without technology your potential partner came from your pool of friends or extended social circle so the chances are you would see that person again and mutual acquaintances might also take sides based on poor behaviour in dealing with rejecting the other person.

 

Thats the disappointing thing nowadays, there are no repercussions for disappearing because your dating pool is often just a picture on your mobile. As the medium has become more impersonal so have our standards when dealing with those people.

 

I have ghosted, not proud of it but it was early on. For me, it was a mixture of it just being easier (for me admittedly) and not wanting to hurt/disappoint the other person's feelings.

 

I have learnt from that as I was angered by being ghosted while trying to arrange a second date- why agree to a second date and then just not reply when I tried to set it up in the same sequence of text messages? Its not like I allowed time to pass and feelings to change.

 

But I have to say that compared to simmering, ghosting is positively charming. At least when you get no response that is pretty final. Simmering maquerades under the guise of being potentially plausible ("I'm just so busy with work at the moment" etc) so you don't know whether to stick or twist: move on and risk losing a good thing because of your fear of being played for a fool vs letting it slide in the hope they are telling the truth because the reward is potentially huge, even though deep down you know that the odds are overwhelming that you will later find out they are prioritising seeing other people over you.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think the best response when being simmered, is to ghost right back.

Straight away.

 

Simmering is a coward's power-parting.....

[SalientPoint]

In a way, yes. In another way though, I believe it is potentially more dangerous to a person's psyche to not say anything and leave them to their own imagination.

 

 

 

Exactly this! I could deal with things a lot better if I just knew what was going on. Was she attacked? Assaulted? etc

 

Communication is hard, but necessary.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yeah, "simmering" is not like ghosting...at least they are actually answering your calls, but always come up with a reason not to go out with you.

 

"Yeah, things in my life have been pretty crazy!" Notice they use the word "things" in a sentence. lol

 

Also called "blown off"

 

I am not sure if I even "ghosted' persee, I was kind of feeling bad about it, but here's what I did. After our first date, I wasn't really feelin' it, and she said, "Perhaps we can do this again sometime" and I go, "Yep" and we hugged.

 

I never did call her though. But, I thought it was one of those situations even in non-dating situations where people talk speculatively, "Hey, we should do this sometime!" and people say "Yeah" regardless as a generic response. I never led her on, but it was a knee jerk, instinctual "yep".

Edited December 16, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst