Popsicle Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 For those of you who have been Ghosted on, I know it can be terribly confusing and distressing. I got an email today that had the first "expert" explanation I've seen (what little it has here) of ghosting. I thought I'd post it in case it helps someone who's been through it feel a little better. https://www.estherperel.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/Screen-Shot-2015-12-13-at-2.35.13-PM.png 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Thanks Popsicle. I now know I have been ghosted, Iced, and simmered. I particularly agree with what it does to the recipient of ghosting. I still resent my ex-boyfriend who ghosted after 6 months dating. That ended 2 years ago and I still deeply resent him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
okc85 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Thanks Popsicle. I now know I have been ghosted, Iced, and simmered. I particularly agree with what it does to the recipient of ghosting. I still resent my ex-boyfriend who ghosted after 6 months dating. That ended 2 years ago and I still deeply resent him. After 6 months of dating?!?!?! He disappeared without a word?? What! That is awful 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eyeam Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Interesting: I think I've been victim of all of those at one point in my life.. I've definitely pulled a simmer too. I would never pull that **** on anyone anymore. I'm as honest as possible (because I know how it feels) even when I get chased up on first dates I wasn't feeling. A lady I was dating last year pulled a ghost on me, It seemed to be going so well too!? I don't think I've ever met anyone that had so much in common before.. Just crazy!! I've seen her from time to time. I just look the other way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eyeam Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Thanks Popsicle. I now know I have been ghosted, Iced, and simmered. I particularly agree with what it does to the recipient of ghosting. I still resent my ex-boyfriend who ghosted after 6 months dating. That ended 2 years ago and I still deeply resent him. What a Cowardly *******. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stillits Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Well, I guess I have just been ghosted after 2 months too. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I don't actually mind ghosting. Its the simmering that gets me. All the others are fine... Link to post Share on other sites
TheArtist Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I had to look it up as it was happening but after six months of a very loving relationship she just stopped replying. The ol' "seen" message on Facebook is probably a worse feeling than if she'd just hit me with her car. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 It is exactly like in the chart. His daughter (adult) wrote to me after a month to tell me she was shocked at her father's actions and he had told her he couldn't face hurting me (properly breaking up with me). Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 this outlines these phenomena perfectly. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 For those of you who have been Ghosted on, I know it can be terribly confusing and distressing. I got an email today that had the first "expert" explanation I've seen (what little it has here) of ghosting. I thought I'd post it in case it helps someone who's been through it feel a little better. https://www.estherperel.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/Screen-Shot-2015-12-13-at-2.35.13-PM.png I have seen women who were with a man for a few years actually and the man simply up and disappeared. However, the pattern during the relationships was that over those years, the man would pull away for periods of time and come back and the women tolerated that behavior and would keep pulling them back in by reaching out, keeping in touch on her own initiative until finally they didn't do that and the guys just kept going. It's a painful process to experience. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 I have seen women who were with a man for a few years actually and the man simply up and disappeared. However, the pattern during the relationships was that over those years, the man would pull away for periods of time and come back and the women tolerated that behavior and would keep pulling them back in by reaching out, keeping in touch on her own initiative until finally they didn't do that and the guys just kept going. It's a painful process to experience. This is confusing. Who is doing the pulling back each time? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I have seen women who were with a man for a few years actually and the man simply up and disappeared. However, the pattern during the relationships was that over those years, the man would pull away for periods of time and come back and the women tolerated that behavior and would keep pulling them back in by reaching out, keeping in touch on her own initiative until finally they didn't do that and the guys just kept going. It's a painful process to experience. In my case it was sudden and out of the blue. No warning what so ever. He was weak, 100% coward, he could not face what he was about to do to me. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) I don't think ghosting has anything to do with *not being able to deal with the pain they are about to inflict* on the other person. They are not even thinking about the other person at all, and being concerned about the pain they are about to inflict would suggest such person has a conscience and feels guilt. They don't. They don't care about the other person at all....all they care about is escaping the relationship ...in the quickest most expeditious way possible ... It is all about THEM and their feelings .....I don't think the other person's feelings ever even enter their minds. They just don't care and want out.. again in the fastest and most expeditious way possible! It is cruel and selfish. Edited December 14, 2015 by katiegrl 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Yes, I agree with this. ^^ I actually think ghosting is more about protecting themselves, and caring about their own feelings and emotions, not the person's they're 'ghosting'.... As katiegirl observed, it's all about the dumper, not the dumpee. And in fact, memory serving me correctly, I may even have advised the odd member to 'ghost' a SO/ex.... Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I have `Ghosted` in the past. But due to someone not getting the fact i was not interested. Met a girl, we had a drink, i was not interested and made sure she knew. I was not rude, told her to `take care and have a good life` (Which i hate saying) She never stopped trying to contact me after. I simply disappeared.... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I don't think ghosting has anything to do with *not being able to deal with the pain they are about to inflict* on the other person. They are not even thinking about the other person at all, and being concerned about the pain they are about to inflict would suggest such person has a conscience and feels guilt. They don't. It's the same thing to me. If you are unable to face the pain you're about to inflict someone it's because you just care about yourself and protecting yourself from going through a sh$tty job you need to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I have `Ghosted` in the past. But due to someone not getting the fact i was not interested. Met a girl, we had a drink, i was not interested and made sure she knew. I was not rude, told her to `take care and have a good life` (Which i hate saying) She never stopped trying to contact me after. I simply disappeared.... That's different. There is also a difference between ghosting someone you met a couple of times and ghosting someone you've had a 3 month or 6 month relationship. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 That's different. There is also a difference between ghosting someone you met a couple of times and ghosting someone you've had a 3 month or 6 month relationship. True.... It would seem impossible to just disappear after a longish RS.... `Where would you go?` Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 True.... It would seem impossible to just disappear after a longish RS.... `Where would you go?` In my case he left the country. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 In my case he left the country. What a .... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) It's the same thing to me. If you are unable to face the pain you're about to inflict someone it's because you just care about yourself and protecting yourself from going through a sh$tty job you need to do. I dunno G ....IMO they don't give two shyts about the pain they are about to inflict....doesn't even occur to them that they are avoiding this or unable to face it... in their minds, the other person simply ceases to exist. It's not only cruel and selfish, it's kinda sick actually, sociopathic, no conscience...no empathy To Haydn.... that's not ghosting as you had already ended it with her and she wasn't getting it. She left you no choice. Edited December 14, 2015 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I think a lot of "ghosting" needs to be understood from the person's doing it vantage point. First off - I agree with the definitions and I don't want to discuss the last three - there's plenty of threads on those. Let's focus on ghosting. I think....and I'm not an expert....that ghosting has risen up suddenly in frequency thanks to OLD. I mean you could do it before - but I bet you were less likely to do it since people met people through friends, co-workers, family, etc. Of course, it was easy to do if you met someone randomly - travel, business, at a bar or club, etc. But the randomness has only increased in the past 10-15 years. I will say, having been "ghosted" by several women I bet things are really in the eye of the beholder - and I think a lot goes to expectations and perceived "rules". To the one poster - I would never ghost someone I've been seeing for 6 months. To me, ghosting is something that can happen early on and is tolerable (tolerable IMHO through only say initial meeting, online convo, phone convos, 3-4 dates. After that, there should be a "rule" about not ghosting. to explain my thinking... This past august i had met someone online. Profile seemed good. Doctor, funny w/o needing attention, physically attractive in my eyes, etc. So I emailed her (OLD) and 2-3 days later she responded. I replied back, another 2-3 days to respond. Email again - 1-2 days.....good right? After 3-4 back and forths I emailed her......no response.....2 weeks......ok - no worries. She responded 2 1/2 - 3 weeks later.....apologizing, (find out later her dad had gotten sick) etc. Ok - exchange a few more emails, get her number, talk a few times on the phone, setup date 1. Goes okay. Very dry humor, not very exciting personality, but I don't like needy or attention seekers so we'll deal with that, everything else seemed fine. Agreed to date two.....another 1-2 weeks go by with emails, phone, etc. Second date - ok. Initial plan didn't work out but we were both flexible....then......... date was on a Friday. Waited till monday to call/text/email....no response till Wed.....says she's "busy" and can't do this weekend or next week...ok......about 2 weekslater - text out of the blue....and it wasn't even apologetic on timing....asking me questions about the presidential debate. Seriously? Sorry - ghosted. Link to post Share on other sites
SalientPoint Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I just got ghosted after 10 MONTHS. The level of confusion/pain/whatever is a whole new ballgame, and I've been dating and dumped plenty of times in the last 14 years. The worst part is she disappeared, then re-emerged long enough to tell me that the reason had nothing to do with me, something traumatic and horrible has evidently happened to her (she said this but refused to tell me what it was) and then disappeared again. I don't know if she's been assaulted, attacked, or what, she's just gone now and I feel like I can't even be mad at her because whatever happened traumatized her and threw her into a depression. The fact is she's still totally gone a la ghost. All the coping mechanisms I would normally use feel like they don't even work when someone does this. When someone breaks up with me in a straightforward way, or cheats on me, at least I can say: "Well of course I should stay NC, they obviously don't care about me" or "They were a jerk!" but here I don't know what happened, maybe never well, but that it probably wasn't even her fault or choice. Those that would purposefully ghost clearly have no conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I just got ghosted after 10 MONTHS. The level of confusion/pain/whatever is a whole new ballgame, and I've been dating and dumped plenty of times in the last 14 years. The worst part is she disappeared, then re-emerged long enough to tell me that the reason had nothing to do with me, something traumatic and horrible has evidently happened to her (she said this but refused to tell me what it was) and then disappeared again. I don't know if she's been assaulted, attacked, or what, she's just gone now and I feel like I can't even be mad at her because whatever happened traumatized her and threw her into a depression. The fact is she's still totally gone a la ghost. All the coping mechanisms I would normally use feel like they don't even work when someone does this. When someone breaks up with me in a straightforward way, or cheats on me, at least I can say: "Well of course I should stay NC, they obviously don't care about me" or "They were a jerk!" but here I don't know what happened, maybe never well, but that it probably wasn't even her fault or choice. Those that would purposefully ghost clearly have no conscience. Hon, I am sorry for your pain. Don't excuse her. She ghosted you on purpose. No one put a gut to her head and kept her from contacting you. Link to post Share on other sites
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