Cirilla Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Hi everyone. I've posted on here a few times and gotten good support. Long story short, 4.5-year relationship ended about 9 months ago (ex broke up with me in an explosive, premeditated, purposely cruel way), I went NC a month later when he told me there was no way we'd get back together (after I acknowledged my mistakes and proposed a clean slate), I declined his belligerent "offer" to get back together a few months ago, and have been in NC ever since. I made a bunch of new friends and have been really strong; everyone's told me I've done all the right things and handled it like a trooper. My degree of recovery between the aftermath of the breakup and now has been astounding. Thing is...ever since shortly before Thanksgiving I've been experiencing renewed feelings of grief and loss. They say it's normal around the holidays. The winter season was a big deal for him and the source of a lot of the happy times together. I know I don't grieve for loss of HIM--I don't want him back. But I'm feeling the loss of what had the potential to be a great relationship if he had been a different person and things that led to our breakdown hadn't happened. We used to be two peas in a pod--having everything in common. I was walking through a nicely-lit pathway of trees with a gentleman tonight and it just made me sad because that's something my ex and I would've enjoyed before things went south. And I wonder if I'll ever again meet someone whose level of interest matches mine. (This new fellow is nice, but his feelings are stronger than mine--and I communicated to him that I wasn't wanting a relationship with him and he still sticks around.) I'm still firm on my sticking to NC and never taking the ex back after all he's said and done. Even acknowledging that I did a lot wrong, too. But I feel such grief and sadness for what shoulda/woulda been. I feel robbed. I feel that we might have worked out if his parents hadn't screwed him up (just speculation, I know). The sad truth is, we were doomed from the beginning because of his upbringing and its radical differences from my independent streak. We were once so perfect together, and had a few wonderful years despite the resentment that had quietly grown in me at times. I miss the feeling of having an intimate best friend. I miss feeling like I have a life companion. All I can do now is continue to grieve and keep doing what I'm doing. But the feelings loss and sadness are back with a vengeance even though I'm still very grounded and realistic in never wanting him back and still extremely resentful. Just had to get it out there. Any constructive thoughts are appreciated.
NopeNah Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 I'm sure my ex feels the same 'robbed' feeling that you have. She was very full of resentment towards me. She could never let it go and it ended in a drunken night of her trying to hit me,then I moved out the following day. I think, if you can forgive him for whatever you hold against him,it'll help you fully move on.
Bito Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 It's ok to still be sad. It takes a long time because you are grieving manny things. When you're in love with Someone you attach a huge part of your identity to that person. You dream of all the possibilities, all the happy times you could of had. So you in a sense go though a death. It can take years to fully recover after a relationship aa serious as yours. Don't be to hard on yourself.
cupcakebunny Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I'm sort of going through that myself. It's rough for a lot of people around the holidays - mourning the loss of your makeshift family. You missing the good parts of your relationship and your ex are common. You forget the bad things -- you objectively remember that they existed but the feeling dissipates and you just remember the good memories which makes you grieve that loss. It will take time but you seem to be doing everything to get you to the right place. It's ok to grieve and feel bad. Sometimes it's good to sort of give into those from time to time...not wallow...but just to get through them. By next year you'll likely feel differently. 1
itisdanielle Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Hi everyone. I've posted on here a few times and gotten good support. Long story short, 4.5-year relationship ended about 9 months ago (ex broke up with me in an explosive, premeditated, purposely cruel way), I went NC a month later when he told me there was no way we'd get back together (after I acknowledged my mistakes and proposed a clean slate), I declined his belligerent "offer" to get back together a few months ago, and have been in NC ever since. I made a bunch of new friends and have been really strong; everyone's told me I've done all the right things and handled it like a trooper. My degree of recovery between the aftermath of the breakup and now has been astounding. Thing is...ever since shortly before Thanksgiving I've been experiencing renewed feelings of grief and loss. They say it's normal around the holidays. The winter season was a big deal for him and the source of a lot of the happy times together. I know I don't grieve for loss of HIM--I don't want him back. But I'm feeling the loss of what had the potential to be a great relationship if he had been a different person and things that led to our breakdown hadn't happened. We used to be two peas in a pod--having everything in common. I was walking through a nicely-lit pathway of trees with a gentleman tonight and it just made me sad because that's something my ex and I would've enjoyed before things went south. And I wonder if I'll ever again meet someone whose level of interest matches mine. (This new fellow is nice, but his feelings are stronger than mine--and I communicated to him that I wasn't wanting a relationship with him and he still sticks around.) I'm still firm on my sticking to NC and never taking the ex back after all he's said and done. Even acknowledging that I did a lot wrong, too. But I feel such grief and sadness for what shoulda/woulda been. I feel robbed. I feel that we might have worked out if his parents hadn't screwed him up (just speculation, I know). The sad truth is, we were doomed from the beginning because of his upbringing and its radical differences from my independent streak. We were once so perfect together, and had a few wonderful years despite the resentment that had quietly grown in me at times. I miss the feeling of having an intimate best friend. I miss feeling like I have a life companion. All I can do now is continue to grieve and keep doing what I'm doing. But the feelings loss and sadness are back with a vengeance even though I'm still very grounded and realistic in never wanting him back and still extremely resentful. Just had to get it out there. Any constructive thoughts are appreciated. I can relate to a lot of the feelings that you have. I'm 3 months out of my 3 year relationship. I wish I had some advice to give to help, but I feel like I'm still trying to work things out myself and don't have any previous experience of a break up (I've always been the dumper in the past, so this is completely new to me). You seem to be doing really well that you declined his offer and have stuck to NC, so you should be proud Like I said, I have some similar feelings so if you ever want someone to talk to feel free to message
Greene0Kelly Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 That is this season that we want to feel loved so I think what you feel is normal. As you say, you were perfect together before and I assumed that you thought he is the man you've dreaming to be your husband. Well, that was before. What you're feeling right now will fade as the new year starts Be with your family and friends to get your mind preoccupied.
Author Cirilla Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 Aaaaannnnndddd he's here at this event. Fml
moonwalker86 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 The holidays suck in terms of those feelings getting to you. I am not crazy about all the triggers surrounding me and the emphasis that EVERYONE is putting on "togetherness" and "family" and "love". I am not watching any christmas movies or anything like that either, nope. Check out the new thread I made, maybe it will help you in some way.
BlueIris Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Aaaaannnnndddd he's here at this event. Fml Hm. Sorry to hear that. I think it is normal to have feelings like that at the holidays. I also think that after a break-up we often mourn the loss of loving someone just as much as the loss of that particular person or that particular relationship. People who are loving want to be loving someone. After my last relationship, I felt that way.
Author Cirilla Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 Thank you for your support, everyone. It sounds like I just need to roll with the punches and keep doing what I'm doing. Speaking of punches, I didn't talk to him yesterday. Just walked past as if never noticing and spent the rest of the night genuinely laughing and joking with lots of other people on the other side of the room. I'm annoyed I had to see him but feel like I handled it well. Hopefully the NC clock didn't just go back to 0.
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