Conflicting on what the ladies really desire

[trippi1432]

When we were kids in the 90s we were wild as well but I do think today there is a nastiness and bitterness in the dating scene that I didn't see as much when I was younger. Even during the 60s and 70s they called it free love which still included the love part. Nowadays it's a contest to see who can care less and who can get one over on the other. It's sad.

 

tsk tsk tsk.... Today's dating scene really sucks for us old agers.

[oregon0011]

When we were kids in the 90s we were wild as well but I do think today there is a nastiness and bitterness in the dating scene that I didn't see as much when I was younger. Even during the 60s and 70s they called it free love which still included the love part. Nowadays it's a contest to see who can care less and who can get one over on the other. It's sad.

 

Exactly. That's what I sense. Sort of "I can show I care less and that makes me more valuable or I won't get hurt"

[mrldii]

Exactly. That's what I sense. Sort of "I can show I care less and that makes me more valuable or I won't get hurt"

 

Sorry. Your vision of the world (based on your experiences and how you operate and based on the people with whom you choose to interact) is NOT even close to the world in which I operate...and find myself enjoying.

 

Perhaps that explains why I never quite enjoyed my 3 separate stints for a total of 6 years in Oregon.

 

Move to a different *state*?

[oregon0011]

I'd screw up the psychologists' predetermined tests, then. Because I know myself and know what I want and what I'm willing to invest in it,

 

my choice would probably be the same if they placed 2,000 choices in front of me.

 

 

Because I know myself and what I want and what I'm willing to invest, having a multitude of choices doesn't frighten me; I trust myself to do what's best for me.

 

Again, I can understand why having too many choices may be extremely daunting - and maybe even paralyzing - for some people.

 

"Understanding it" and "acclimating to it and making it my own" are two completely different animals.

 

 

Find women who, also, prefer to have fewer choices in life so as to not become overwhelmed.

 

 

Again, best of luck to you, OP...

 

 

 

Do you want a fulfilling and loving relationship? Are you in one?

[Woggle]

Sorry. Your vision of the world (based on your experiences and how you operate and based on the people with whom you choose to interact) is NOT even close to the world in which I operate...and find myself enjoying.

 

Perhaps that explains why I never quite enjoyed my 3 separate stints for a total of 6 years in Oregon.

 

Move to a different *state*?

 

I am a married man and when I look at my single friends that is what I see as well. In the 70s we had free love but in 2015 we have a sexual cold war.

[mrldii]

Do you want a fulfilling and loving relationship? Are you in one?

 

Yes and yes.

 

Oh, and just to further muddy the already churning waters...yes, I am single.

[trippi1432]

well

Let me explain this way.

 

Even when I was younger sex was how you would know if a girl was really into you. So you would date her, get to know her , and if sex occurred you could be 90 percent sure she was really interested in you. She wants a relationship.

 

Now, often times women are the sexual aggressors. And they don't usually "just have sex and leave", they make it into some huge romantic deal. Daily contact, texting, calls, romance, future talk etc.

 

At this point I have found just being yourself, respecting them, keeping plans, being stable, answering them, and returning feelings is often times a turn off. Maybe boring? They will then flake on a date, text less, take hours to respond, etc

 

Until you then ignore them, which is when they then want you again. Sort of classic push pull.

 

Now I can't say I dated only one specific age or type. I can assume the Internet has a lot to do with it. Or perhaps when a woman has more partners they sort of become addicted to the beginning stages and always want that over and over.

 

Or they place more value in a man that is harder to obtain. I don't really know. But I don't want to hear this "doesn't exist" and I am somehow picking the wrong women or not bringing enough to the table. Just trying to figure it out.

 

Well, there is this cut-off on sex...let's put it in layman's terms. A woman could spread herself and a man could poke his hard on in anything they each like. Not sure where you are getting your information from but women either consent. concede or tell you to F off.

 

I do get the fact that the younger generation women play games...your 30's will be harder to figure out and your 40's are totally screwed....I feel sorry for this younger generation.

[oregon0011]

I'd screw up the psychologists' predetermined tests, then.

 

 

Find women who, also, prefer to have fewer choices in life so as to not become overwhelmed.

 

 

Again, best of luck to you, OP...

 

Well I am talking about relationships, as this is a relationship message board. I read your thread. You were with 1 guy for 10 years. Broke up. See him twice a year for 4 more years, then wonder about getting back with exact same guy.

 

I mean with all the relationship choices we are talking about, are you the one that is actually comfortable with fewer choices?

[truthtripper]

Men: 3 Things the Woman You're Dating Wants You to Do*|*Holly Sidell

 

Here is an actual example of a woman explaining what women need in a man. They want to feel safe and special. The article says to do things like call daily, be consistent, make sure she is your special Facebook friend etc.

 

If it were this simple would there be any relationship problems? I think doing the above will almost always lead to her pulling away, losing interest, and not wanting anything serious. (Or even casual)

 

I think what confuses most men and myself most times are the paradoxical nature of what women really want.

 

Women want men to desire them who are desired by other women. In a way she wants a man who desires her greatly, but who could also walk away. (Not be needy). A guy who can dismiss her. But the "exciting" part is making him monogamous to her. A guy who is less accessible seems to be more valuable.

 

Have any guys found a good way to balance this? With a woman you actually do fall for? Because sooner or later if you marry, at this point you really can't just leave for another woman anymore. She also no longer really has to worry about you leaving. Marriage is like a state supported risk mitigation strategy for women. They can skip the "try harder " part as men become tame, which sort of kills the ongoing romance.

The whole process of dating is so contrived. People often end up superficially dissecting each other to bits and completely miss the point of what true friendship and love really is.

 

As other posters have mentioned, just be content being yourself. This is the most natural and effective way to find a suitable partner.

Edited December 14, 2015 by truthtripper

[mrldii]

Well I am talking about relationships, as this is a relationship message board. I read your thread. You were with 1 guy for 10 years. Broke up. See him twice a year for 4 more years, then wonder about getting back with exact same guy.

 

I mean with all the relationship choices we are talking about, are you the one that is actually comfortable with fewer choices?

 

Yes, because I put every single little detail of my life on online discussion boards...and only partly because I truly believe EVERYone reading is dying to know every little thing about me.

 

/sarcasm

 

Yup...I've been with him since 2000, lived with him from 2001 - 2011. He now lives 600+ miles away from me...we see each other 3 or 4 times each year. This is considered "a relationship".

 

You asked if I want a fulfilling and loving relationship; I answered yes.

 

You asked if am in one; again, I answered yes (but I was actually thinking of the fact that I am always in a fulfilling and loving relationship with myself...one in which I always have my best interests at heart...and in mind).

 

 

I am single. This means that IF someone comes along with whom I am interested in pursuing another relationship, I am free to do so, as that's what "single" means. IF, when pursuing that relationship, I am more fulfilled with it, then I am free to choose to stop my current relationship (with which I am currently satisfied...if I wasn't, I wouldn't be in it) and I am free to choose to be exclusive in that relationship.

 

 

It appears you are simply upset that I (who, coincidentally am a woman, living in this day-and-age) am not filled with angst and despair over my current relationship/status.

 

When - and IF - I become dissatisfied with my relationship/status, I will do something about it...just as I always have. Just as I did when I left my 10+ year living-together relationship when it stopped working for me.

 

What he and I have is fine by me, for now. Again, when and if it stops being fine for me, I will do something about it. Doing something about it will NOT ever be to bitch and complain about how awful all men are...and how difficult they - as a collective group - make life for me.

 

 

"Choices". Some people get flustered when faced with - and when making - them. I'm not one of those people.

 

 

*Sorry* that that fact bothers you so. Do try to get over it, as I'm confident I'm not someone you'd be interested in dating, anyway. I'm perfectly A-OK with that fact...you should be, also.

 

[RedRobin]

Let me explain this way.

 

Even when I was younger sex was how you would know if a girl was really into you. So you would date her, get to know her , and if sex occurred you could be 90 percent sure she was really interested in you. She wants a relationship.

 

Now, often times women are the sexual aggressors. And they don't usually "just have sex and leave", they make it into some huge romantic deal. Daily contact, texting, calls, romance, future talk etc.

 

At this point I have found just being yourself, respecting them, keeping plans, being stable, answering them, and returning feelings is often times a turn off. Maybe boring? They will then flake on a date, text less, take hours to respond, etc

 

Until you then ignore them, which is when they then want you again. Sort of classic push pull.

 

Now I can't say I dated only one specific age or type. I can assume the Internet has a lot to do with it. Or perhaps when a woman has more partners they sort of become addicted to the beginning stages and always want that over and over.

 

Or they place more value in a man that is harder to obtain. I don't really know. But I don't want to hear this "doesn't exist" and I am somehow picking the wrong women or not bringing enough to the table. Just trying to figure it out.

 

 

Try waiting for sex then. Me personally... the couple of times I had sex relatively early with a guy, I got bored and dumped him... because there was no true intimacy there... and when intimacy (or attempted intimacy) came after the sex, it felt forced. Not organic.

 

 

Pair that with the 'lets all have sex as a way to test compatibility', well, you have a recipe for lots of people keeping their emotional walls up, even when their pants are down.

 

 

Try it the other way for a change... Wait to have sex until you see her character a bit more. Noone can use sex as a litmus test anymore... because sex on it's own HAS become meaningless, if you ask me.

[basil67]

I start dating a new girl who is interested, and I call her daily, make my Facebook all about her, and am totally consistent, this woman will lose interest quick, and I would be a needy loser.

 

Why do you assume that doing the right thing is why she loses interest? It couldn't possibly be because of your general personality could it?

[oregon0011]

Yes, because I put every single little detail of my life on online discussion boards...and only partly because I truly believe EVERYone reading is dying to know every little thing about me.

 

/sarcasm

 

Yup...I've been with him since 2000, lived with him from 2001 - 2011. He now lives 600+ miles away from me...we see each other 3 or 4 times each year. This is considered "a relationship".

 

You asked if I want a fulfilling and loving relationship; I answered yes.

 

You asked if am in one; again, I answered yes (but I was actually thinking of the fact that I am always in a fulfilling and loving relationship with myself...one in which I always have my best interests at heart...and in mind).

 

 

I am single. This means that IF someone comes along with whom I am interested in pursuing another relationship, I am free to do so, as that's what "single" means. IF, when pursuing that relationship, I am more fulfilled with it, then I am free to choose to stop my current relationship (with which I am currently satisfied...if I wasn't, I wouldn't be in it) and I am free to choose to be exclusive in that relationship.

 

 

It appears you are simply upset that I (who, coincidentally am a woman, living in this day-and-age) am not filled with angst and despair over my current relationship/status.

 

When - and IF - I become dissatisfied with my relationship/status, I will do something about it...just as I always have. Just as I did when I left my 10+ year living-together relationship when it stopped working for me.

 

What he and I have is fine by me, for now. Again, when and if it stops being fine for me, I will do something about it. Doing something about it will NOT ever be to bitch and complain about how awful all men are...and how difficult they - as a collective group - make life for me.

 

 

"Choices". Some people get flustered when faced with - and when making - them. I'm not one of those people.

 

 

*Sorry* that that fact bothers you so. Do try to get over it, as I'm confident I'm not someone you'd be interested in dating, anyway. I'm perfectly A-OK with that fact...you should be, also.

 

 

Really not upset or bothered that you are in a Relationship with yourself. I am not emotionally invested at all.

[Gloria25]

Lol...

 

This thread makes me think of hearing Brian Scott McFadden on iHeart Radio recently. I listen to the Comedy 24 channel on iHeart a lot

 

[oregon0011]

Why do you assume that doing the right thing is why she loses interest? It couldn't possibly be because of your general personality could it?

 

Yes. I am not a jerk I suppose. I mean it just becomes a game. Female mindset seems to be :

 

Not caring = "must be a great catch, why doesn't he want me??? I want him more now"

 

Caring =. "Hmmm. Maybe I can do better?"

 

 

I also notice this sort of game is most prevalent in the USA. I have found women from different cultures don't have this animosity towards "nice guys". They actually want one. I mean what is worse than being called a "nice guy" these days?

[mrldii]

Really not upset or bothered that you are in a Relationship with yourself. I am not emotionally invested at all.

 

I would hope EVERYbody is in a relationship with themselves...and that it is a healthy one, and one in which they take of - and with - themselves.

 

 

For someone who claims to "not [be] emotionally invested at all", you sure do seem to have a problem with pretty much every single post I make in reply to your threads on this discussion board.

 

You also seem to have a problem with the content of the one, lone thread I've started, here on LS.

 

 

Truly not a problem, though; I'll just simply stop replying to the threads you start...then it will no longer appear that there's a problem.

 

 

Again and still...best of luck to you and your relationship/status.

[trippi1432]

Yes. I am not a jerk I suppose. I mean it just becomes a game. Female mindset seems to be :

 

Not caring = "must be a great catch, why doesn't he want me??? I want him more now"

 

Caring =. "Hmmm. Maybe I can do better?"

 

 

I also notice this sort of game is most prevalent in the USA. I have found women from different cultures don't have this animosity towards "nice guys". They actually want one. I mean what is worse than being called a "nice guy" these days?

 

OMG!! Emotionally unavailable man is a nice guy..........................:laugh:

[oregon0011]

Lol...

 

This thread makes me think of hearing Brian Scott McFadden on iHeart Radio recently. I listen to the Comedy 24 channel on iHeart a lot

 

 

Haha. Exactly.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes. I am not a jerk I suppose. I mean it just becomes a game. Female mindset seems to be :

 

Not caring = "must be a great catch, why doesn't he want me??? I want him more now"

 

Caring =. "Hmmm. Maybe I can do better?"

 

 

I also notice this sort of game is most prevalent in the USA. I have found women from different cultures don't have this animosity towards "nice guys". They actually want one. I mean what is worse than being called a "nice guy" these days?

 

Yeah

I never had that experience dating.

 

Pretty much every guy I dated did daily contact (approximately).

 

One guy that utterly refused, turned me off from that aspect of his petsonality.

 

We were engaged and I thought, "he's going to want to days a week off from wife and kids? That's a little screwed." Had I been a little older, I would have nexted him sooner. I don't have an issue with space. We all need space and our partner can't be our whole life but he was adamant that two days out of the week (of his choice) that I would even be able to call him and post-marriage he would be out before I awoke in the morning and back after bedtime because he wanted he space so solidly.

 

I suspect he actually had aspbergers and wasn't a cheater. There were a lot of other things that pointed in that direction, including his own realizations about it.

[oregon0011]

I would hope EVERYbody is in a relationship with themselves...and that it is a healthy one, and one in which they take of - and with - themselves

 

 

Truly not a problem, though; I'll just simply stop replying to the threads you start...then it will no longer appear that there's a problem.

 

 

Again and still...best of luck to you and your relationship/status.

 

Ok thanks. Good luck to you too.

[RedRobin]

Yes. I am not a jerk I suppose. I mean it just becomes a game. Female mindset seems to be :

 

Not caring = "must be a great catch, why doesn't he want me??? I want him more now"

 

Caring =. "Hmmm. Maybe I can do better?"

 

 

I also notice this sort of game is most prevalent in the USA. I have found women from different cultures don't have this animosity towards "nice guys". They actually want one. I mean what is worse than being called a "nice guy" these days?

 

 

1) Genuine nice guys don't assume all women are the same.

2) Playing games takes two. Don't date women who are emotionally unavailable...

3) Lots of guys think sex will 'lock down' a woman emotionally. Welcome to the real world. It doesn't.

4) If whatever you are doing isn't working, try something else instead of blaming an entire gender.

[katiegrl]

You know oregon, last I checked ...men and women are still getting together, having successful long term relationships, getting married, having kids, etc.

 

In fact, I attended two weddings of friends over the summer ...who met on-line, clicked and went on to have happy relationships leading to marriage. Late 20s.... early 30s. None of the shyt you're talking about occurred.

 

So obviously, not *all* women are flakes and/or want men who treat them like crap.

 

And again, read some of the threads from the women on this board. When a man she starts dating shows interests, texts her often, consistently asks her out ...she's excited, reciprocates accordingly, only to have HIM start to fade or worse completely ghost.

 

Some cases after sex .... some before.

 

I have rarely, if EVER, read a thread from a woman who *lost* interest because some guy she was dating and having sex with was treating her too well!

 

So I don't know what's happening that all these women you date want to run away from you *after* you have sex with them ... or once you start being nice to them or treating them well or whatevs.

 

But if you were smart, instead of blaming the women for being flakey, you might want to look within yourself and the vibe/energy you are sending ....as chances are *that* is where the answer lies.

 

I know that is a difficult concept for you to grasp ... being that you are so confident and believe you can do no wrong...and that all women are flakes.

 

But give it some thought ...it would serve you well to do so.

 

These threads of yours are getting old.

 

Wish you the best.

Edited December 14, 2015 by katiegrl

[SerenityNoww]

If this is code for "things were easier when women just sat around, at their parents' home, waiting for a man to come-a-callin' so as to not die an old maid, instead of the current options which can include never marrying a man if she doesn't want to",

 

then you are correct: things may have been "easier" [for men] back in the day. Men, today, probably do have to bring a little more to the table/front door than simply an interest because she's the only available female in the nearest parts.

 

 

 

Nowadays too many women sit around on dating sites waiting for men to come calling. Same attitude, different venue

 

I'm all for the women that expect more from a guy. A woman has every right to increase the number of suitors that show an interest, and pick the best one. The problem I do have is that too many women are ignoring the men that are on the same level as themselves, and only going for the tall dark handsome cliche.

 

Many women nowadays have the opportunity to fish from a much larger pond than women in the past. But instead of many of these women using this new opportunity to weed through a bunch of men to find a better match, they are letting their insecurities and superficial standards choose the man.

[oregon0011]

Well, contrary to how I come across, I am not "blaming" women. Women are just morphing into whatever societal changes dictate.. I do not feel they are any more happy than ever before.. Most likely more empty and less happy, is what almost all studies show. Food, drugs, promiscuity, pharmaceuticals, alchohol and other crutches mask their misery in most, but not all cases.

 

I think we have two sides.. One that is sort of engrained in us through evolution and biology, and another weaker but also important side unnaturally formed by the culture we live in..

 

I am interested in the aspect of sex and when it comes to choosing a mate..Example..

 

Back in the day a woman would need certain characteristics in a mate to insure the survival of offspring.. A man of character, honesty, well raised, and the type who wants a commitment. He needed to prove himself before she gave her body. For a man to have sex he needed to be the above man.

 

 

Now we have a govt that forces everyone to pay for a woman's poor decisions. So they choose to bed men who do not need any of the above traits. The govt will pay for their children.. Force men to pay child support. Award alimony if a woman just "gets bored".

 

Sexually, we have birth control, condoms, abortions, cures for diseases, day after pill etc. So sex is something that turned into "just fun" on one hand, but also bonding on the other hand..

[katiegrl]

Well, contrary to how I come across, I am not "blaming" women. Women are just morphing into whatever societal changes dictate.. I do not feel they are any more happy than ever before.. Most likely more empty and less happy, is what almost all studies show. Food, drugs, promiscuity, pharmaceuticals, alchohol and other crutches mask their misery in most, but not all cases.

 

I think we have two sides.. One that is sort of engrained in us through evolution and biology, and another weaker but also important side unnaturally formed by the culture we live in..

 

I am interested in the aspect of sex and when it comes to choosing a mate..Example..

 

Back in the day a woman would need certain characteristics in a mate to insure the survival of offspring.. A man of character, honesty, well raised, and the type who wants a commitment. He needed to prove himself before she gave her body. For a man to have sex he needed to be the above man.

 

 

Now we have a govt that forces everyone to pay for a woman's poor decisions. So they choose to bed men who do not need any of the above traits. The govt will pay for their children.. Force men to pay child support. Award alimony if a woman just "gets bored".

 

Sexually, we have birth control, condoms, abortions, cures for diseases, day after pill etc. So sex is something that turned into "just fun" on one hand, but also bonding on the other hand..

 

>>>Now we have a government that forces everyone to pay for women's poor decisions.<<

 

----------

 

You say you are not blaming women but your comment above^^ suggests otherwise.

 

Allow me to correct it for you.

 

>>We have a government that forces everyone to pay for "certain individual's" poor decisions.

 

Women AND men, collectively.

 

But what the government is doing/not doing is another discussion entirely.