Theguy92 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 I have had bad luck with women, I really haven't dated much. Over the last year, I have been trying to find someone worth dating in hopes of having a relationship. I have been rejected four times. Last month, I learned that a friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend after they had been dating for a few years. I have been friends with her for about 2 years and honestly, I liked her from the moment we met pretty much. But I found out she had a boyfriend and was content on just being friends. She's very beautiful, smart, happy, and nice. I now feel I have an opportunity to ask her out, but I've been rejected by female friends in the past (she's the one I have liked all along but I tried to move on since she had a boyfriend). I am nervous that 1) She will say no and will say we should just be friends like we have for two years and 2) She broke up last month after being in a relationship for a few years. I don't want to be a jerk and ask her out to soon. Should I ask her out or just go ahead and be friends? I could be okay with being friends, but she will always have a special place in my heart regardless of if we date or not. But I would like to ask her out, I just am conflicted. Does anyone have some advice? Thanks.
Truth34 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 If you can live with friends, I would seriously just let it be. If she started showing interest, then maybe re evaluate it, but as it stands I wouldn't ask her out if I were you. I say this because gambling with people isn't like gambling with money. Very rarely can you get back ahead once you're down. Then again, if you are the type to go all in, then go for it.
Author Theguy92 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 If you can live with friends, I would seriously just let it be. If she started showing interest, then maybe re evaluate it, but as it stands I wouldn't ask her out if I were you. I say this because gambling with people isn't like gambling with money. Very rarely can you get back ahead once you're down. Then again, if you are the type to go all in, then go for it. The thing is, could I be okay continuing to be friends? Yes. But the reality is, I have liked this woman from the moment I met her. It turns out we have similar interests; she is a very happy and upbeat person and she is very beautiful. But she had a boyfriend then and through about a month ago. I really want to ask her out, but I guess what you say makes sense. The problem is, I feel like we might be meant to be together. I had an online dating profile, I deleted it. The next day, she texts me to hang out because she broke up with her boyfriend the night before. Just seems like fate....
Ami1uwant Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 If she just broke up she isn't ready to date again. Just be friends with her and see how she is to you...maybe she does things she didn't before that dhows interest.
MovingOnIsHard Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 If you are serious about finding someone to date, you should stop trying to date your female friends. Most of them are probably just interested in your friendship, not affections. Ive got male friends but ive met them with the intention of being friends, not potential dates. If i fancied someone and realized they weren't available/interested, i would next them, not be friends with them. It's possible these girls can sense your true intentions and are weirded out about it. I would feel that way if a male friend asked me out. Get yourself out of the friendzone and start dating fresh faces.
Author Theguy92 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) If you are serious about finding someone to date, you should stop trying to date your female friends. Most of them are probably just interested in your friendship, not affections. Ive got male friends but ive met them with the intention of being friends, not potential dates. If i fancied someone and realized they weren't available/interested, i would next them, not be friends with them. It's possible these girls can sense your true intentions and are weirded out about it. I would feel that way if a male friend asked me out. Get yourself out of the friendzone and start dating fresh faces. I see your point and I appreciate your advice. The thing is, had she not had a boyfriend when I met her, I would have asked her out then. But she did, so I figured friendship was better than nothing. I do care for her as a friend, I have not stuck around just to wait until she broke up. I was there for her, as a friend, when she broke up. It was all genuine, I don't act. Most of my female friends are just that, friends. I would not ask most of them out. But this particular friend is different. It's a tough thing for me to let go honestly. If I don't ask her out, I'll spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?" Also, I just remembered about four months ago, I was with a female friend of mine and this female friend of mine who I'd like to date. The female friend said the one I'm interested in likes me, she could tell based on how she was speaking to me. I didn't sense it, but then again I'm not good at sensing those things. You think I'm crazy to even consider this? You can be honest with me. If she just broke up she isn't ready to date again. Just be friends with her and see how she is to you...maybe she does things she didn't before that dhows interest. My plan, if I am going to ask her out which I haven't decided yet, is to hang out with her and eventually ask her out. What is an appropriate amount of time after a break-up to wait? I don't want to do it too soon because I respect her feelings, but I also don't want her to start looking to date someone else. Any advice on a time frame? Edited December 14, 2015 by Theguy92
MovingOnIsHard Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 What is an appropriate amount of time to wait before asking her out? Could be indefinitely. You have to wait for her to come to you, otherwise the moment you ask her out she will feel weird about it. I mean, you were there for her as a friend during her breakup, while she was mourning a loss. She saw you as a friend. Will she change her feelings towards you and get you out of the friendzone? Possibly. Possibly not. How long will you keep yourself in the friendzone?
oberkeat Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 She's barely come up for air since her breakup, and all you can think about is plotting how to take advantage and get her in the sack, just so you can say you have a gf. Boy, she's lucky to have a friend like you . Stop obsessing about how to capitalize on this, and give her some space.
Author Theguy92 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) What is an appropriate amount of time to wait before asking her out? Could be indefinitely. You have to wait for her to come to you, otherwise the moment you ask her out she will feel weird about it. I mean, you were there for her as a friend during her breakup, while she was mourning a loss. She saw you as a friend. Will she change her feelings towards you and get you out of the friendzone? Possibly. Possibly not. How long will you keep yourself in the friendzone? If asking her out is not the right thing to do, then I will continue to be her friend. So the answer is forever. I appreciate your honesty and help, thank you! She's barely come up for air since her breakup, and all you can think about is plotting how to take advantage and get her in the sack, just so you can say you have a gf. Boy, she's lucky to have a friend like you . Stop obsessing about how to capitalize on this, and give her some space. I am not interested in her because I am desperate for a girlfriend. I am not interested in her for sex, I'm not that kind of guy. I am interested in her because she's a wonderful person who shares some similar interests to me, and she's a very happy and upbeat person. I am going to give her space, I will be there for her as a friend as I have been because I care about her. I'm actually starting to lean AGAINST asking her out because of what Movingonishard and others have said. But I don't have selfish motives, I do however have feelings. Edited December 14, 2015 by Theguy92
phineas Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 What is an appropriate amount of time to wait before asking her out? Could be indefinitely. You have to wait for her to come to you, otherwise the moment you ask her out she will feel weird about it. I mean, you were there for her as a friend during her breakup, while she was mourning a loss. She saw you as a friend. Will she change her feelings towards you and get you out of the friendzone? Possibly. Possibly not. How long will you keep yourself in the friendzone? This. She has to come to you. Every woman friend I dated or slept with came to me. I recently slept with a woman friend that I kinda liked but stayed away because of divorce. She made it so we were together and I made the move and she was eager to comply. But she has been weird. I said I'd be interested in dating her but she doesn't know what she wants or does and doesn't want to tell me so ive gone back to treating her like a friend. She doesn't seem to think I'd be interested in dating her and has a horrible self image so I've stopped asking her on dates because I'm not going to chase. We seem to be ok as friends in a group still so no real harm done and we haven't told anyone so we don't need to deal with that drama. But as was said they need to come to you and honestly if you can't get a woman now it's a good chance this woman wouldn't want you either.
dobielover Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 I wouldn't start with asking her out. I would start with flirting with her, here and there, more assertively, to assess her romantic interest. If she seems receptive or interested, then ask her out for something casual, not serious.
Author Theguy92 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 I wouldn't start with asking her out. I would start with flirting with her, here and there, more assertively, to assess her romantic interest. If she seems receptive or interested, then ask her out for something casual, not serious. Thank you. I appreciate your advice and I thank you and everyone for taking the time to give me advice. I have to do some soul searching over the next several weeks. Either way, I'm going to spend time with her as a friend. If I decide to ask her out, I'll do what you said. If not, I'll continue to be a friend. I care for her either way. If I don't end up dating her, I'll get over my feelings in due time and she will still be in my life as a friend. If I do end up dating her, great. I am going to consider the lessons you all have taught me here, thank you.
angel.eyes Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 I wouldn't start with asking her out. I would start with flirting with her, here and there, more assertively, to assess her romantic interest. If she seems receptive or interested, then ask her out for something casual, not serious. I agree with this approach. In life you sometimes have to take risks. If you like her as more than a friend, take a chance and try to gauge whether she might see you as more than a friend too.
Author Theguy92 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 I agree with this approach. In life you sometimes have to take risks. If you like her as more than a friend, take a chance and try to gauge whether she might see you as more than a friend too. I definitely like her more than a friend. But I also don't know if it would be the right thing, asking her out and wanting to date. I have to figure out how to balance what is best for me, best for her, and the right thing to do. Thanks.
GalWithNiceGuyFriend Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I definitely like her more than a friend. But I also don't know if it would be the right thing, asking her out and wanting to date. I have to figure out how to balance what is best for me, best for her, and the right thing to do. Thanks. I think you should give it a bit of time. I get the feeling from what you posted that she does like you. The timing is bad, but you asking her isn't a bad thing. You are man, you have nothing to lose. We ladies don't get to make first moves (most of the time anyway). I am in the process of losing a great guy friend because I developed feelings for him.
Author Theguy92 Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 I think you should give it a bit of time. I get the feeling from what you posted that she does like you. The timing is bad, but you asking her isn't a bad thing. You are man, you have nothing to lose. We ladies don't get to make first moves (most of the time anyway). I am in the process of losing a great guy friend because I developed feelings for him. My apologies on taking so long to respond. After giving this situation careful consideration, including considering what everyone has said, I have decided that I am going to ask this woman to date, but not right away. Every time I told myself I wasn't going to ask her out and would move on, I felt a great sadness. The only question I have now is, when do I make my move? Is there a proper time frame or just when it feels right? I am very lost on that. Thank you, and thank you everyone, you folks are great.
privategal Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 The thing is, could I be okay continuing to be friends? Yes. But the reality is, I have liked this woman from the moment I met her. It turns out we have similar interests; she is a very happy and upbeat person and she is very beautiful. But she had a boyfriend then and through about a month ago. I really want to ask her out, but I guess what you say makes sense. The problem is, I feel like we might be meant to be together. I had an online dating profile, I deleted it. The next day, she texts me to hang out because she broke up with her boyfriend the night before. Just seems like fate.... Seems like you have a history of falling for your female friends. The thing is...girls reach out to their friends for comfort and to hang out after a breakup. She isn't over a relationship so quickly...she will still have feelings for him and you would just be the stand in rebound to help her feel pretty, boost her self esteem and help her not to feel sad and lonely. Date outside your circle of friends. If it was truly meant to be however, then it will be anyways. But guarenteed this is a bad move. You want a relationship badly so you seem like youd be able to make any girl fit that perfect mold to fill your void of lonliness and low self esteem from rejection. Until you work on and heal those things and start seeing your self in a positive light and liking who you are...you aren't READY to date. You need to just love your friends platonically and keep your focus on building yourself up. Take classes, maybe look for a new job, exercise and work out and think positive. Forget girls right now...its not everything in life.
Author Theguy92 Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) Seems like you have a history of falling for your female friends. The thing is...girls reach out to their friends for comfort and to hang out after a breakup. She isn't over a relationship so quickly...she will still have feelings for him and you would just be the stand in rebound to help her feel pretty, boost her self esteem and help her not to feel sad and lonely. Date outside your circle of friends. If it was truly meant to be however, then it will be anyways. But guarenteed this is a bad move. You want a relationship badly so you seem like youd be able to make any girl fit that perfect mold to fill your void of lonliness and low self esteem from rejection. Until you work on and heal those things and start seeing your self in a positive light and liking who you are...you aren't READY to date. You need to just love your friends platonically and keep your focus on building yourself up. Take classes, maybe look for a new job, exercise and work out and think positive. Forget girls right now...its not everything in life. I'm a bit confused about one thing, what led you to believe I have been interested in my female friends in the past? Also, after considering my decision again, I've decided to not pursue this woman because 1) I don't want to lose her as a friend and 2) I think I should try dating someone from outside my friend circle as you suggest. I have never dated in my friendship circle. Edited December 21, 2015 by Theguy92
Recommended Posts