shoelover Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 I'm in my final year at university and I've had the feeling one of my tutors liked me for a while. However I wasn't really sure as one week during class he mentioned something about his girlfriend, so I thought I'd just misinterpreted any previous signals. Last week in class he asked me to read out a poem and said it was 'beautiful' after I'd finished, then apologised for having picked on me to read it out after class as I got really flustered/nervous. I had a tutorial with him earlier this week and he was really nice and said my essay was his favourite, then when we'd finished he started asking me different non-work related questions about my plans for the holidays, where I was from and my opinion on the module/general subject matter. I'm really shy with guys/new people so I kept giving short answers and avoiding eye contact with him, and I think he thought I didn't like him or want to speak to him. I kind of glanced at him when I was about to leave and he looked kind of upset so now I feel really bad. The semester's over so I won't see him again, but I was wondering if I should email him and apologise or just leave it? I'm aware that there's a bit of a taboo regarding teacher-student relationships; however as I'm no longer taking the class I'm not actually his student anymore, and there's no way there could be said to be a conflict of interest with regards to his teaching/my studies. I'm also slightly confused about how he feels as he's given small signs of liking me previously, but then the girlfriend comment threw me a little. It makes no sense that he'd be so friendly and try and strike up a more personal conversational topic if he didn't have any interest in me, so I'm wondering if he mentioned a 'girlfriend' to try and make me jealous or see my reaction? If it helps, he's in his mid-twenties and I'm in my early twenties.
smackie9 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Some people misinterpret shyness as being snobbish or rude. So that is probably why he was a little put off by your reaction. People who have some anxiety in social situations, assume a lot of things. I don't think he was hitting on you. He was just being pleasant/friendly. He told you he had a GF for a reason....so you don't misunderstand him. He's a grown man, I doubt he told you he had a gf to make you jealous, that would be immature/childish. If you felt you acted out of line, yes send him an email with an apology. I don't think it really bothered him as much as it's bothering you now. it's possible he has forgotten about it.
Author shoelover Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 Yeah, it's possible that I may just have misinterpreted his mannerisms; however he did seem overly friendly in a way that none of my other tutors are, especially since I wouldn't say he's a particularly friendly person generally- in fact during class he seems rather shy. With regards to him mentioning having a GF he didn't tell me specifically- it was just something he used as an example for a topic we were discussing in class at the time as we were talking about dialects. I'm aware that he's a grown man, but it wouldn't be the first time I've had men claim to be 'taken' only to find out later from them that they just said so 'to see how I'd react'. You might be right though so I'll probably just leave it. Thanks for your reply.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) I'll be honest with you, I think you are projecting your feelings into this too much. Apologizing for something that he likely wouldn't even remember is quite trivial. For that reason I would leave it. It sounds like you just want an excuse to contact him. You want to keep talking to him, it is understandable, but I feel I should warn you that it is an extremely high possibility that you will be rejected. Firstly and most importantly, he has a girlfriend. He has made it clear he is unavailable. A decent guy won't cheat. Secondly, even after the period of conflict of interest is over, there are still ethical and professional concerns for him. Like the majority of tutors they are trying to gain a good reputation within the university, becoming involved with a student could damage that. Jobs within the industry are limited so a good reputation mean a lot when you are starting your career. The best lecturers and tutors engage with their students, they make them feel important and try and take an interest in them personally. Some people get along better with some than others, that is just human nature. And yes, even tutors have their favorites. However, this doesn't translate into their own personal lives. Nothing you have said suggests a romantic interest, but it does show an admiration and interest in you as a student and a person. I do understand how easy it is to misinterpret that interest and project a hidden meaning into every expression and behavior. It is normal to have those feelings, but it is important to look at all the facts critically and weigh up the risks involved. Edited December 13, 2015 by Scarlett.O'hara 1
Author shoelover Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 You make some very good points actually, so perhaps I'll just leave it and move on. Thanks.
Qboro90 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 I think that you read Into his communication and interactions with you too deeply however that doesn't mean there isn't anything there either. If you are actually interested in him and open to seeing him then I suggest sending him an email where you thank him for his tutelage and words of encouragement this semester. Wish him a happy holidays and then leave him your number in the email. "Happy holidays, hope that we can stay in touch, feel free to gimme a call or text if you ever want to grab lunch/coffee after the break. Take care :)" Mature, simple, doesn't reveal anything to be embarrassed about or cross any lines and puts the ball in his court so that he knows it's ok to reach out to you in the future. If he doesn't then you know he wasn't as into you as you thought, but if he does you can approach it as you see fit. 2
truth_seeker Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 If you are actually interested in him and open to seeing him then I suggest sending him an email where you thank him for his tutelage and words of encouragement this semester. Wish him a happy holidays and then leave him your number in the email. "Happy holidays, hope that we can stay in touch, feel free to gimme a call or text if you ever want to grab lunch/coffee after the break. Take care :)" Mature, simple, doesn't reveal anything to be embarrassed about or cross any lines and puts the ball in his court so that he knows it's ok to reach out to you in the future. If he doesn't then you know he wasn't as into you as you thought, but if he does you can approach it as you see fit. This is a good way to go about it... but like someone else posted, if he's a decent guy he won't cheat. If he's willing to cheat then you know what kind of guy he is... maybe you don't care?
Author shoelover Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 No- I'm definitely not the kind of girl who wants to break up a relationship or who thinks 'oh, he won't treat me like he treats her'. In fact when he mentioned his girlfriend, I started making it my mission to get over my feelings for him. However after he made a point of apologising to me last week (as I was leaving class he quickly came over and said "I'm sorry I picked on you to for reading out earlier- I hope you didn't mind"), I kind of thought he was being unusually sweet to me. Other tutors couldn't care less whether you're comfortable with reading out in class or not so I guess I was kind of touched by that and misread that as him caring about me specifically rather than just being nice. It did cross my mind that I'd misinterpreted things, so I continued trying to tell myself to get over my feelings and forget about him etc. However his comments on my essay were again unusually nice (I didn't think tutors would normally say a student's work was their favourite', rather than just generally saying for example 'it was really interesting to read'). My tutorial also lasted double the time that it should have been because he kept asking me non-work related questions, so I started wondering if perhaps he just wanted to spend more time with me. Aside from the tutorial, him smiling at me while teaching and staring at me when I was leaving class with other guy friends also gave me the impression that he liked me. In hindsight I probably just over-analysed things though, and given most of the responses here I'm not really thinking of contacting him anymore. Thanks for your response truth_seeker.
truth_seeker Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 OP, if he is in a relationship then you need to back off. It's the right thing to do. I will say, though, from what you've written, I tend to believe this guy likes you. The looks, the compliments, if you're the only student he's demonstrating this behavior towards, then he's smitten. He's probably doing all of this hoping you'll make a bolder move, like reach out to him via email or even drop by his office when no one is around and let you confess your feelings for him. He'll feel like a scumbag if he's the one to make the bold move as he has a girlfriend... but if you do it, then he can convince himself, and others, if he gets caught, that he had a moment of weakness as a beautiful young woman came to his office and threw herself at him.
Author shoelover Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 OP, if he is in a relationship then you need to back off. It's the right thing to do. I will say, though, from what you've written, I tend to believe this guy likes you. The looks, the compliments, if you're the only student he's demonstrating this behavior towards, then he's smitten. He's probably doing all of this hoping you'll make a bolder move, like reach out to him via email or even drop by his office when no one is around and let you confess your feelings for him. He'll feel like a scumbag if he's the one to make the bold move as he has a girlfriend... but if you do it, then he can convince himself, and others, if he gets caught, that he had a moment of weakness as a beautiful young woman came to his office and threw herself at him. Yeah, like I previously said I'm definitely not going to pursue a guy who's in a relationship- I guess I was just looking for signs that in actuality he wasn't in one because I liked him. It just seems odd that if he did like me he'd even mention having a girlfriend in the first place, especially if his intentions were to cheat- surely you'd just not mention her at all? Anyway if he's waiting for me to make a 'bolder move', he'll be waiting for eternity. Firstly, I have higher standards than that, and also as I mentioned in my initial post, I'm extremely shy with guys so he'd probably have a higher chance of lighting a fire using solely an ice cube or something. Thanks again for your input.
xcupid Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Leave it. You're fantasizing about this. If he wants to do anything let him make the first move. Otherwise, move on.
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