TotalRandoStranger Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 My boyfriend of 3 years recently broke up with me out of nowhere a week ago.. I was totally not expecting that.. But it was on good terms.. No fights and such.. Since we were on a LDR, we used to talk every day and at all times.. I do not contact him, but everytime he texts me, I text him back.. I've come to accept that there's no going back.. We won't be a couple again, even if he comes begging.. I don't want to be friends either, but I don't see any harm in responding to his texts.. To tell you the truth, I even feel better whenever we text-talk.. Can this be my ruin later down the road or has someone had a positive experience or, at least, not a bad one from limited contact?
mightycpa Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 NC is first and foremost to protect yourself from emotional pain and harm. A lot of people feel horrible after they speak to the ex, because they haven't found peace with the idea that they no longer have a romantic relationship. To hear you tell it, you're not too bothered by it. As long as that's true, then there is probably no harm. Also, if there's no intention from either of you, your continued contact will probably die in it's own good time. 1
Meli22 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) I stayed in contact with an ex once and I still got over it in a reasonable amount of time too. It's all about your mindset. I knew I'd never go back, and I didn't WANT to. So contact from him never served as "false hope" like it does for most. As long as you know it's over for good, then do what's best. I'm always in favour of total cold turkey after a break up though, depending on the circumstances of course. But be sure that the reason you feel better after talking isn't because on a subconscious level, he's still in your life. Edited December 13, 2015 by Meli22
marky00 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) usually there is some short-term relief from breaking NC if your Ex still has some good will and still has the gloves on. But 3 or 4 days later you will feel worse and possibly take a month or so to recover from the contact. I was in an LDR as well and it seems to be a different recovery path to those who lived everyday together. Problem is in LDRs its not uncommon to not see eachother for as long as 6 months etc and in my case there was times where we wouldnt even call or text for 2 to 3 weeks. So once you enter NC ..... guess what ...... nothing has changed except the fantasizing and the positive affirmations that used to feed the relationship. If you go long-term in an LDR like more than 3 years... you have to get to a point where u live full lives apart. You would think this would make recovery easier but actually it makes it worse in a way. Ok sure... you may not be missing the feeling of waking up to your partner every morning but what you do get ..... is the loss of that amazing dream of you one day being together forever, all the trips, calling another country your home. In a LDR your brain feeds off these experiences and dreams.... when it is lost..... it can be earth shattering. In those 9 years.... I think everyday ... I used to wonder what she was doing. The distance makes the mind wonder. Post break-up, I don't really think what she is doing as it would just hurt me... but I do sometimes wonder what she is thinking and how she could just give up on the huge investment we put in when we both finally reached a point in our lives where the Dream could become a Reality. Edited December 13, 2015 by marky00
Thatmixedotaku Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Yes I do think NC is the best path for you to heal. Love sometimes, in my opinion, can be approached as an addiction,an addiction to a certain person and the affection they offer. When you want to heal you need to cut out the addiction, things that remind you of them,all possible avenues for you to backslide. Small doses at a time won't heal the addiction, they will just make you feel better for short amount of times until reality hits and you realize...youre still addicted 1
oman0115 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 My boyfriend of 3 years recently broke up with me out of nowhere a week ago.. I was totally not expecting that.. But it was on good terms.. No fights and such.. Since we were on a LDR, we used to talk every day and at all times.. I do not contact him, but everytime he texts me, I text him back.. I've come to accept that there's no going back.. We won't be a couple again, even if he comes begging.. I don't want to be friends either, but I don't see any harm in responding to his texts.. To tell you the truth, I even feel better whenever we text-talk.. Can this be my ruin later down the road or has someone had a positive experience or, at least, not a bad one from limited contact? If you don't want to be friends and don't see a future cut him out. You sound as if you're over the relationship and indifferent but I find that hard to believe because you're on here asking advice. I'm currently in contact with my ex and wish I was in NC because it's painful, if yuo can do it I'd go NC.
Silver_star Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 I was in this situation as well. He would text me and I would respond. Because I was not the one texting him and I was still doing my own things I almost convinced myself that I was moving on normally, and that he obviously still cared about me, and it would only be a matter of time before he realized he was still in love with me. You are keeping that door open for a reason. Probably because you are afraid if it closes you cant be together anymore. You haven't accepted that he made that choice to leave the relationship already, and going back to a relationship will take more work than before from both of you. It would be painfully obvious if he wanted a relationship with you like that again. Your needs are just as important as his, and if he decided he doesn't want the relationship all of a sudden the consequence of that is that you are not in his life, because you said yourself You are not friends, and being friends with someone who broke your heart or just up and decided to terminate a romantic relationship without much reason is sadistic. Respect yourself and your worth by cutting him off. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 The longer you continue to interact with him, the longer it will take you to get over him & move on. Understanding the consequences do what gives you the most peace.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 NC is first and foremost to protect yourself from emotional pain and harm. A lot of people feel horrible after they speak to the ex, because they haven't found peace with the idea that they no longer have a romantic relationship. To hear you tell it, you're not too bothered by it. As long as that's true, then there is probably no harm. Also, if there's no intention from either of you, your continued contact will probably die in it's own good time. I agree with mightycpa. Having said that, I'm not sure why you bother responding to his texts and leading him on in essence if you have no desire or plans to go back or even become friends? Most people who can forgive and put the past behind them often reconnect in order to salvage some kind of friendship moving forward. If that's not in your plans then be done with him already.
Author TotalRandoStranger Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 You would think this would make recovery easier but actually it makes it worse in a way. Ok sure... you may not be missing the feeling of waking up to your partner every morning but what you do get ..... is the loss of that amazing dream of you one day being together forever, all the trips, calling another country your home. In a LDR your brain feeds off these experiences and dreams.... when it is lost..... it can be earth shattering. You described perfectly what I went through the day following the break up.. That's exactly it.
Author TotalRandoStranger Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 If you don't want to be friends and don't see a future cut him out. You sound as if you're over the relationship and indifferent but I find that hard to believe because you're on here asking advice. I'm currently in contact with my ex and wish I was in NC because it's painful, if yuo can do it I'd go NC. I don't want be friends friends and I don't want and don't have hope of a future together again.. It's pretty clear in my head that it's over.. NC, from what I understand, is to protect oneself from being even more hurt.. His talking to me doesn't hurt.. It doesn't give me hope (as I don't want none) as in most cases I'm seeing here.. However, I don't have a reason to ignore him completely, if that has no negative effect on me.. We've been together for three years.. I still like him as a person, he's not a bad guy.. Ignoring him would make ME feel the bad person.. The reason I'm asking advice is because this is my first time.. I wanted to know if anyone ever felt the same how it ended up, going NC or not.. It's something new to me..
Author TotalRandoStranger Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 I agree with mightycpa. Having said that, I'm not sure why you bother responding to his texts and leading him on in essence if you have no desire or plans to go back or even become friends? Most people who can forgive and put the past behind them often reconnect in order to salvage some kind of friendship moving forward. If that's not in your plans then be done with him already. Well.. I don't see or want any future together and I don't want to be friends.. That's why I'm not the one texting.. I'm just responding.. The reason I don't want to be friends is not because I hate him.. But it's that we're friends because we were lovers.. Not the other way around.. We don't have much in common friendship-wise.. Maybe he sees that way and which is way he texts me from time to time.. I don't ignore because that would make me feel like a horrible person.. PS: Your "name" is one of my favorite Beatles song!
Methodical Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Continually responding though is like picking the scab off a sore but wanting it to heal. Going no contact isn't vindictive, it's a means to heal and move forward.
Silver_star Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Well.. I don't see or want any future together and I don't want to be friends.. That's why I'm not the one texting.. I'm just responding.. The reason I don't want to be friends is not because I hate him.. But it's that we're friends because we were lovers.. Not the other way around.. We don't have much in common friendship-wise.. Maybe he sees that way and which is way he texts me from time to time.. I don't ignore because that would make me feel like a horrible person.. PS: Your "name" is one of my favorite Beatles song! I think I would think you are okay with me texting you if you respond to my texts all the time and I might get the impression that you are fine with the relationship becoming a friendship. Someone here can't let go completely. You are just extending the letting go period. It would be like showing up to a jobsite you got fired from everyday just because your boss let you go on "good terms". You have no business lingering around an old relationship like that. Especially when you know what the relationship was. It wasn't friendship. Not responding to a text isn't being rude or petty, it's called moving on with your life. Or you could simply be more straight forward and tell them you have no interest in being their friend.
cupcakebunny Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I find it can be pretty helpful - at least if you're around each other all the time. Even if the love from the relationship faded and you know - objectively that you had to leave - there is still a pull to be there. For most people it's codependency. You put all your emotional eggs in their basket and suddenly you have to figure out how to make yourself happy -- that's why you feel good when you talk, you are using the consistent communication with him to feel better. You're using your ex as a crutch emotionally - eventually you will need to learn to stop as he may genuinely move on OR you may meet someone new and will need to sincerely cut your ex out of your life -- or limit him to "happy birthday" and "happy holiday" status. It's better to do it now than later.
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