Sweeetie Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 I have been in an LDR for 2 months that's not yet official. The first few weeks we were both living in the same town and then he moved back to his hometown for a job promotion. He lives a 2-hour flight away. He came to visit me last weekend, he stayed at my place and we had a great time together. I made him breakfast, bought him dinner and looked after him well. After the weekend I asked him about where I stand, he said that he does want us to keep seeing each other but that he doesn't want to make it an official relationship. We spoke further about it during the week both on Skype and over whatsapp, and he said that he really likes me but the distance is making him reluctant to agree to an official relationship. He said that he is "worried that we get really close and then the distance makes things break down". But that "should not be a reason for us to stop seeing each other", he "wants to continue seeing me" because he "really likes me". After he said he is worried about us getting too close I expressed reluctance to continue (this was over whatsapp), to this he replied that we are "really close already and he does want to continue" but I told him he is "drawing a line on how close we should get which is not very encouraging". He didn't reply anything more and it has been 2 days. I've not heard from him. I was both hoping and expecting that he wouldn't let me go just like that, given how he kept saying he really likes me. But yet he did. Instead of convincing me to stay, he has been silent. I don't want things to end and I am hoping that I do hear from him. Should I be the first to make contact or should I wait for him?
elly key Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Are you sure you want this relationship to continue? He seems to be very selfish thinking only about how he feels. He doesn't really seem to care about you wanting only to see you for sex. My experience says that there is no circumstances. Only people can decide whether they want you in their lives or not. If he is pending, he's not worth of spending your time. I know it's hard to accept but eventually it can be even harder if this doesn't work. I don't recommend you to text him first.
Author Sweeetie Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 Are you sure you want this relationship to continue? He seems to be very selfish thinking only about how he feels. He doesn't really seem to care about you wanting only to see you for sex. My experience says that there is no circumstances. Only people can decide whether they want you in their lives or not. If he is pending, he's not worth of spending your time. I know it's hard to accept but eventually it can be even harder if this doesn't work. I don't recommend you to text him first. You're right; if he says he doesn't want us to get any closer then I don't see the point. I just fail to understand why he would just let me go without fighting for me when all last week he was trying to convince me how much he likes me and wants to keep seeing me. I am really hoping to hear from him; I have grown to like him a lot.
mightycpa Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 He got the promotion and you took him out to dinner? How does that work? He's not wrong about this. A LDR can be very unfulfilling, and it limits your options. Most are just a matter of time before they die anyway. Why don't you tell him you've been thinking about it, and maybe he's right... that you'd like to still see him about once a month, and that while away from each other, each of you should date other people. When he comes to visit, no sex if you're sexually involved with someone else. This way you can gauge his reaction to getting his way, and see if he really doesn't mind sharing you. Then go on a few dates locally. Anyway, it's a lot nicer to wake up next to someone than to wake up next to a phone. If you're having fun locally, you can break up with him during his next visit. Or not. 1
Author Sweeetie Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 He got the promotion and you took him out to dinner? How does that work? He's not wrong about this. A LDR can be very unfulfilling, and it limits your options. Most are just a matter of time before they die anyway. Why don't you tell him you've been thinking about it, and maybe he's right... that you'd like to still see him about once a month, and that while away from each other, each of you should date other people. When he comes to visit, no sex if you're sexually involved with someone else. This way you can gauge his reaction to getting his way, and see if he really doesn't mind sharing you. Then go on a few dates locally. Anyway, it's a lot nicer to wake up next to someone than to wake up next to a phone. If you're having fun locally, you can break up with him during his next visit. Or not. I would be lowering my boundaries and myself if I were to agree to this. But the thing is that he and I have already agreed to be exclusive; he just doesn't want an "official relationship". And if he's drawing a line on how close we should get, it's really not very inviting :-/
elly key Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 You're right; if he says he doesn't want us to get any closer then I don't see the point. I just fail to understand why he would just let me go without fighting for me when all last week he was trying to convince me how much he likes me and wants to keep seeing me. I am really hoping to hear from him; I have grown to like him a lot. Wait for him to text you. If he doesn't, move on. If he truly likes you, he will understand the loss and fight. Otherwise, it will be just sex between you and him. You don't need this type of relationship. Remember you are the one for you, nobody can treat you like you are not worth to be the one. 1
mightycpa Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 I would be lowering my boundaries and myself if I were to agree to this. But the thing is that he and I have already agreed to be exclusive; he just doesn't want an "official relationship". And if he's drawing a line on how close we should get, it's really not very inviting :-/ Well, forgive me for being obtuse here, but what exactly is the difference? Is it merely what you call it, or tell people? Friend: Hi Sweeeeeeetie, long time no see. Who's the new guy, he's really nice. Sweeetie: Oh, that's this guy I've been dating recently. We're long-distance, so I don't really see him much, but we're exclusive and I'm really happy with him. Friend: Oh, that's so sweet! I wish I had a boyfriend... Sweeetie: Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend. We're not official. He's just a guy I'm dating and we agreed that I don't date anybody else and neither does he. Yeah. I don't get it, nor do I get the objection. Maybe you can clue in the clueless. (me) 1
Author Sweeetie Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) Wait for him to text you. If he doesn't, move on. If he truly likes you, he will understand the loss and fight. Otherwise, it will be just sex between you and him. You don't need this type of relationship. Remember you are the one for you, nobody can treat you like you are not worth to be the one. You're right, I just really don't want to lose him because I like him so much. He told me over Skype last week that he doesn't want to lose me, said he likes me so much as well, so why is he just letting this go? Is he expecting me to reach out since I did the dumping? I have been in tears a lot since that last conversation; I never wanted to let him go but I needed to see that he really likes me which he has failed to show me with his silence. The last thing I said to him was "You're drawing a line on how close we should get- that doesn't give me much encouragement." This was more than 2 days ago and he didn't reply back, he really ought to if he doesn't want to leave me with that impression. Especially after I gave him such a good weekend when he came to visit me last weekend, cooking breakfast for him, buying him dinner and taking him to nice places. Just to do justice to the time we spent together, he really should not let things end just like that. I want to wait a few more days and then reach out to him, I just don't know what to say which will not make me lose my dignity. What should I say? Edited December 13, 2015 by Sweeetie
elly key Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 You're right, I just really don't want to lose him because I like him so much. He told me over Skype last week that he doesn't want to lose me, said he likes me so much as well, so why is he just letting this go? Is he expecting me to reach out since I did the dumping? I have been in tears a lot since that last conversation; I never wanted to let him go but I needed to see that he really likes me which he has failed to show me with his silence. The last thing I said to him was "You're drawing a line on how close we should get- that doesn't give me much encouragement." This was more than 2 days ago and he didn't reply back, he really ought to if he doesn't want to leave me with that impression. Especially after I gave him such a good weekend when he came to visit me last weekend, cooking breakfast for him, buying him dinner and taking him to nice places. Just to do justice to the time we spent together, he really should not let things end just like that. I want to wait a few more days and then reach out to him, I just don't know what to say which will not make me lose my dignity. What should I say? Are you sure that it's not you who is the man in your relationship? You took him to nice places and paid for his dinner? That's nonsense. Men can't do that. Men have to be men. They must pay for your dinner, open doors when you coming in, put your chair when you are sitting down. That's what men do. What you described is typical not for men, but for users. Run from him! But if you want to give him last chance, send him remember-good-times text. Something like "remember like we laughed together when saw [something from your past good experience together]. Try to think logically. He doesn't deserve you if he uses you.
marky00 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 I never wanted to let him go but I needed to see that he really likes me which he has failed to show me with his silence. Been there done that.... Don't breakup with someone to test a reaction (not that you did it that way on purpose but in hindsight you realise this is what happened). I know with some partners they are just so hard-headed and emotionally unavailable its tempting but it always backfires. If your not willing to walk away without a discussion.. your only option is to stay as positive as you can in the relationship until either u find the strength to walk away or wait it out till they dump you. 1
Author Sweeetie Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) Been there done that.... Don't breakup with someone to test a reaction (not that you did it that way on purpose but in hindsight you realise this is what happened). I know with some partners they are just so hard-headed and emotionally unavailable its tempting but it always backfires. If your not willing to walk away without a discussion.. your only option is to stay as positive as you can in the relationship until either u find the strength to walk away or wait it out till they dump you. It wasn't so much a test but more a reflex action; the guy was telling me he doesn't want to get too close, what else would a person have done at that point but to put a stop to it? I was hoping that his liking of me which he had spoken of would manifest in actions and that he would come after me, yet he has just chosen silence- it speaks volumes. I just don't get it because we had such a good time when he came to visit me last week, which culminated in him saying he really likes me and wants to continue (when I asked). A few days after he'd gone back we decided on the next weekend that he would come to visit me next month (HE asked me when he can come)... why would he just give in without a fight? Another thing is that I abstained from sleeping with him until he came back to visit me last weekend; I wanted to wait until he came back so that I knew that this was going somewhere. And he spent such a long time before that convincing me that he wasn't only after sex. Seems like he really got his cake and ate it too. If I feel weak, I will send him a "let's continue" text (which would be much below my dignity since he has made it clear that he doesn't want to get any "closer" which I said I can't accept), if I feel strong I will send him a closure message of indignance at how he used me when I put in so much effort, when all along he just wanted to get into my pants. I don't want what we had to end just like that, with him not replying to my last whatsapp and that's it. Edited December 14, 2015 by Sweeetie
marky00 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 It wasn't so much a test but more a reflex action. Yeh I know but when you do that the other person can see it as a test when you then tell them it was a mistake afterwards etc. Its interpreted as a test by your partner and it is sort of an indirect test by you. I did the same thing... and like you it was just explosion of emotions. But once I told her i was wrong blah blah blah, I realized I was testing her love for me. LESSON LEARNED !!!! Yeh, if you love someone never breakup with them unless they have been abusive, cheated etc. Otherwise you'll spend the rest if your years trying to make it up to them.
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