Afro Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) So, my girlfriend weights around 185 pounds and she is 5 feet 2 inch tall. I love her a lot for what she is and i don't really care much about the weight but the thing is its quite unhealthy to see her with so much weight and I am scared what if she crossed 90 kg and then she might have some health issues. I myself do take care of my body and I have even pushed my mom to weight loss since i know how bad it can be after certain age. I do tell her about her weight and she does seem to understand me and promises me that she will lose weight but it doesn't seem to work out for her since she is just focusing on diet without any exercise(due to lack of time) or maybe she isn't trying that hard for dieting as she is a foodie too. I am not sure what to do. Should I just let her stay as she is or keep pushing/motivating her to lose it? Am i being too shallow here? PS: We are in long distance relationship Edited December 13, 2015 by Afro
kitty12345 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 If she has always been the same weight when you met her, then you are in the wrong to tell her that now. If she has been picking up now,then yes, you need to tell her tactfully . If she keeps gaining, its going to become a health issue
Author Afro Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 If she has always been the same weight when you met her, then you are in the wrong to tell her that now. If she has been picking up now,then yes, you need to tell her tactfully . If she keeps gaining, its going to become a health issue Yes she has been the same before but she did gain around 5 kg's after she met me but hard to spot much difference though. So do you think I should stop talking to her about her health/weight issues?
Buddhist Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Not shallow no. That's quite hefty on her small frame. But here's the thing. If she has no interest in losing the weight then she won't, no matter how much you nag her. Those choices and the power to follow through come from within. By all means express your concern over her health, but understand she'll only take action if she truly wants to. 2
Wewon Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Not shallow no. That's quite hefty on her small frame. But here's the thing. If she has no interest in losing the weight then she won't, no matter how much you nag her. Those choices and the power to follow through come from within. By all means express your concern over her health, but understand she'll only take action if she truly wants to. Ditto. Like anything else, you should express a legit concern, but keep in mind that this is one of those topic where you can start to come across as mean and hurtful if you're not careful. In otherwords, she doesn't need to hear about this everytime the two of you sit down to eat or go out. At some point you have to let her take the lead on her own. 1
nadzz Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 As a woman and someone who is obsessed with fitness, I can tell you that you are not being shallow at all. Unless there's a genuine reason for being overweight, she should be pushed or she herself should want to lose weight. I may be offending people by saying this but I think it's a sign of laziness which is not attractive at all. 3
Winterina Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 As a woman and someone who is obsessed with fitness, I can tell you that you are not being shallow at all. Unless there's a genuine reason for being overweight, she should be pushed or she herself should want to lose weight. I may be offending people by saying this but I think it's a sign of laziness which is not attractive at all. You got it... I was telling my bf to shape up because his attitude about his weight bothered me, not his weight itself. People should try being their best and if they cannot for some reason, then at least not take pride in their big belly by sticking it out and slapping themselves on their belly and what not... That was disgusting. I have yet to meet a human being who is attracted to fat and a lack of shape.
shoplocal Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 If you don't prefer fat women, why did you settle on this one? You're wasting her time. End things and find a woman whose weight works for you. 8
burnt Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 As a woman and someone who is obsessed with fitness, …And, therefore, you have the least understanding about the mindset of a woman who is not putting in the effort to do workouts. she should be pushed or she herself should want to lose weight. I may be offending people by saying this but I think it's a sign of laziness which is not attractive at all. And one more time, … do you have any idea about what happens psychologically when someone is pushed to do something he/she is not naturally inclined or motivated to do for whatever reason? You can do exactly the opposite. You can actually turn them off from even trying. Think of a student who is failing in a subject--he is already feeling bad about it to begin with; if you then keep nagging and pushing with "you NEED to work hard, you're being lazy, …", this kid's self confidence will be shot and will do worse. I can never do any fitness workout for the pure sake of being fit. But I can when I enjoy it or find it fun to do. Couple of thoughts, OP: Suggest it gingerly to your gf, but don't push or nag. It's up to her to feel the need. I was going to suggest that you two do some fun workouts physical sports together, but strike that since you are in long distance relationship. I know her time is rather tight, but if she can join some group exercise classes (spin, yoga, pilates, etc.), it can do wonders, because the motivation comes from other group members and the workout doesn't feel like a lonely journey. Finally, how about WII (or other similar) workout programs? Trust me, it can be a hard workout sometimes and can push you and challenge you in your own living room at 1 AM in the morning! 3
oberkeat Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Ditto. Like anything else, you should express a legit concern, but keep in mind that this is one of those topic where you can start to come across as mean and hurtful if you're not careful. In otherwords, she doesn't need to hear about this everytime the two of you sit down to eat or go out. At some point you have to let her take the lead on her own. Good point. I can see how being lectured by OP about what is or isn't healthy, could wear on her, especially if she isn't motivated to make a change. If you don't prefer fat women, why did you settle on this one? You're wasting her time. End things and find a woman whose weight works for you. Exactly. I do not date overweight women. I am a fit single guy who exercises quite a bit, and I want a woman who is the same way. I haven't met the right girl yet, but I have hobbies (yoga classes, etc) that put me around the exact type of thin sexy women I am open to dating.
losangelena Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 LOL, I'm not touching this thread with a 10-foot pole. 2
Versacehottie Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 As a woman and someone who is obsessed with fitness, I can tell you that you are not being shallow at all. Unless there's a genuine reason for being overweight, she should be pushed or she herself should want to lose weight. I may be offending people by saying this but I think it's a sign of laziness which is not attractive at all. Agreed. She should be making an effort even if she is not SO successful because she has expressed the desire to and dissatisfaction with her body. It will also benefit many things BESIDES the way she looks: her self-esteem, her self-respect, typically her interactions with others and her stamina and health. And yes at that height/weight combo, she already is in danger of serious health problems, which is a concern for you if you are intending on a long term relationship with her. Sorry it is. 9 times of 10 putting your mind to something and succeeding (even if it is slightly) is a good thing that spills over into the rest of your life. I think there are 3 types of people: *People who are fine with themselves exactly as they are and are not lying to themselves that they need improvement (this could be in any area). This is extremely rare as most people need and want improvement in some way or another. Before people jump all down my throat, it is not conditional on getting a partner; it's about wanting to be the best you can be for yourself first and secondly to a partner. *People who want and need to self-improve and put their minds and effort toward it. *People who want and need to self-improve and either acknowledge it but do nothing or refuse to acknowledge it. I do think you are signing up for more than just health problems with the 3 type of person. They resist change and yet unhappy with their lives. They can be defeatist and passive, possibly leading to depression. They don't feel good about themselves because their lack of trying is upsetting internally. I'm not speaking about having "success" with what they put their mind to, but at least putting effort in. It can be very debilitating and stagnant to have this mentality. The lack of motivation in an area is unattractive--particularly when they have acknowledged there is a problem. I'm impressed that you got your mom motivated to lose weight! She's obviously got at least 20 years on your gf and that makes it harder. About your gf though, it's really tricky what YOU can do to motivate her. Pretty much a lot of what you could do, she will rebel against, either directly or indirectly. She will most likely be very defensive about it. Or she will ignore it and be paralyzed which sounds like what she is doing. Unfortunately with losing weight, the decision really needs to come from her. I do think you might create the most motivation by letting her know kindly you are really worried about her health. Here's the big problem though that is usually somewhat low on the motivation scale unless a person has had a health scare. However, it is one where she will feel the caring and less likely to be defensive about. This question has come up on the site several times. You might want to search to see if you can find those threads to see some of the answer that were given. I'm afraid I don't have the "right" thing to say to her to get her motivated because it will or won't happen internally. It might be good to start out small without "talk" (prepare better food when you two are together, go to healthier restaurants, eat better yourself, and do more physical activity) and then compliment her when you see even a 5 pound difference. You might even cheat and say that before she's actually lost weight to see if it spurs her to action. BTW, a 5 pound loss on her ht/wt will be hard to "see" so this might be the way you have to do it. You can also compliment any effort, however small. Like thanks for coming on this walk with me; it was fun to do something like this together. or wow, you are ordering healthier now, just anything small you see. It's a fine line though between what she will see as genuine and helpful and what she will see as nagging and invasive so you have to be careful. Remember a lot of the motivations that you did that worked with your mom may be different with your gf because you have a romantic relationship vs a parent/son relationship. Good luck.
central Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 You are not being shallow, but as others have said, it must be her choice and her own motivations to follow through. It is highly unlikely that she ever will. You did not seem to mind when you started dating her, and you say the increase has not been very noticeable. If this matters to you, you should not have started dating her - and if it now/still bothers you, then you should break up and find someone who already has the traits you want in a partner.
losangelena Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 So, my girlfriend weights around 185 pounds and she is 5 feet 2 inch tall. I love her a lot for what she is and i don't really care much about the weight but the thing is its quite unhealthy to see her with so much weight and I am scared what if she crossed 90 kg and then she might have some health issues. I myself do take care of my body and I have even pushed my mom to weight loss since i know how bad it can be after certain age. I do tell her about her weight and she does seem to understand me and promises me that she will lose weight but it doesn't seem to work out for her since she is just focusing on diet without any exercise(due to lack of time) or maybe she isn't trying that hard for dieting as she is a foodie too. I am not sure what to do. Should I just let her stay as she is or keep pushing/motivating her to lose it? Am i being too shallow here? PS: We are in long distance relationship I couldn't resist ... You've already talked about it with her, I don't know how much more you can do. Becoming the food police won't help. She will just begin to resent you. Are you concerned purely from a health angle, or is it an attraction issue as well? Having been a variety of weights throughout my life, I can tell you that excess weight doesn't always correlate with bad health or negative health markers. If you're no longer attracted to her, that's a different story, but if that's the case, don't couch it in terms of her "health." (and no, it's not shallow, but maybe a bit strange that you started dating her in the first place) You've stated your concern, now it's up to her to want to change. I've lost over half my body weight over the last decade or so, and I can tell you that even with the internal motivation, it's hard. Feeling shamed or pressured will most likely produce negative consequences. 3
No_Go Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 OP, she knows she is overweight. If you tell her to lose weight, you'd hurt her self-esteem. It is different with a family member like in the case with your mom (because your relationship with your mom does not depend on your attraction to her, but with your gf it does). I gained like 10 pounds in my current relationship mainly due to stress (I reached ~135 lbs on 5'7, so I'm not overweight but it does show). My BF suggested me to work out - I translated it as "you're fat" - result: I never worked out, AND almost in a way to rebel him, haven't lost the weight (note I was VERY motivated to lose it before he told me to "work out")
smackie9 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 LOL, I'm not touching this thread with a 10-foot pole. I'm not touching this thread with a 10 foot sub sandwich..... 2
Lois_Griffin Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Well, since it's an LDR, there's no real incentive for her to get thin. It's not like she sees you twice a week or something. Maybe she can get a 'skinny lens' for her Skype program or something.
oberkeat Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 If you don't prefer fat women, why did you settle on this one? You're wasting her time. End things and find a woman whose weight works for you. Yeah, I think you have two options with dating someone who isn't your ideal. You can either accept them as they are, or you can dump them and find somebody else who matches what you want. Trying to change them into something they aren't is simply not an option.
winny Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Buy her and you both membership to something fun like maybe dance classes or zumba classes n start going for jogging together.... 1
TheTraveler Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Buy her and you both membership to something fun like maybe dance classes or zumba classes n start going for jogging together.... Long distance relationship. Have you ever met this person in real life OP?
Versacehottie Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Buy her and you both membership to something fun like maybe dance classes or zumba classes n start going for jogging together.... I agree that the place to start with her is doing physical activity together. Best chance rather than nagging her or nudging her about her food. What she eats will have the most impact on her weight loss, but first she needs to find the motivation and a safe place from where to admit to her romantic partner (really admit!) her issue. So make it fun stuff you do together. I helped one of my close friends lose a lot of weight recently. She always went up and down and is a very emotional eater. She was in the process of breaking up with her live-in bf who cheated on her. At the lowest point in her life that I've seen. The first thing I encouraged her to do was to do any physical activity so she could reconnect her mind and body. Even though she said she wanted to motivate and do this. It still took a few months of "talking" about it until she took action. This is a normal part of the process. I forgot from my fitness mags, but its step one, of churning the idea of weight loss over in their head until they are ready to act on it. Some people do get stuck her. The kind of activity I told my friend to do was long walks. That's not going to necessarily take a lot of weight off BUT it will get her back in touch with her body. There is a tendency to disassociate mind-body when overweight. When a walk that should be easy, is hard that can be motivating. When it is enjoyable that can be motivating. When it is something you two share that can be motivating. The simple fact that it is something she accomplished (set out to do and conquered) can be extremely motivating. Start there. The rest is up to her. I will say having been through this with my friend and another. It's a very touchy thing. There are times you will know you are walking a tightrope. there are times you will have done nothing wrong but they will get upset at you. Sometimes you can never say the right thing. My advice is to let her bring it up and be supportive if she do wants to talk about it. Your goal is less to give her advice that will help with weight loss itself (ie constructive workable strategies) but more to voice her thoughts and feel like she is ok doing it. Safest try not to say too much!! That way she won't feel like you are against her.
Qboro90 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 You can't bring it up directly to her without risking hurting her feelings. You need to have the conversation come up and appear to be random then get deeper into it so she feels like she's not being attacked. Maybe bring up to her the next time you're on the phone when she asks about your day... Say you went by this gym that opened up near your place after one of your buddies told you about it. Then tell her you're gonna sign up and ask her if there's a gym near her with the same name. (Maybe look up on google beforehand her area so you know what gyms are around her. Like LA fitness or Sports Club) point is, make sure the gym you say you signed up for is also the same as what's near her. Reason being that you can say they said if you sign up and add another person the rate is cut in half.... So this is where you ask her if she would go if you signed up and added her to it. I realize that this is a bit manipulative but it saves the hurt feelings risk by flat out talking to her about weight loss. If you're willing to financially pay for it then this is an option. The way you can ensure she goes is to sign her up with a trainer. If you just sign her up she's never gonna go. If you have a trainer work with her then she pretty much has to go otherwise she's throwing your money away and you're allowed to be upset with her for that. Just another option to think about.
Blanco Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Nothing good is going to happen regarding this subject unless she both wants to change and has the dedication to change. I think we all know people who want to change something about themselves, but lack that drive to see it through. My first girlfriend many moons ago was a bit chunky. Short, wide frame. Basically a template that permits very little leeway in terms of adding pounds. She often complained about her weight, but I never saw her make any real changes to do anything about it. She didn't really exercise, she didn't change her diet. After a while, it was clear she was more looking for validation or sympathy regarding her weight rather than looking for ways to actually do something about it. That wasn't the reason we split, but it did cause tension at times. You can only hear someone mope about their weight so many times in between plunging their pizza into a pool of ranch dressing before you say, "Hey, how serious can they really be about changing?"
preraph Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 If you start even bringing up her weight, it will be the beginning of the end of your relationship. She's a grown woman who knows her size and what all that means and if she hasn't decided on her own to do anything, your making her feel bad certainly isn't going to help. Accept her for who she is and if you can't do that, get outta the way because someone else will. Good luck. 1
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