Best Friend Has Feelings For Me BUT...

[Confused Teenager]

My best friend likes me. I like him back. But I don't know if I should date him because although he is a great friend overall, I'm not sure if he would be a great boyfriend. Some things I've noticed:

 

1. He didn't get me a bday present even though for the past 2.5 years I've gotten him something for Christmas and his bday every year. I mean, I'll continue giving him presents anyways bc I'm not giving him them for the sole reason of expecting something back. But...really? I don't expect something grand, just a card would make me really happy. I can imagine him never celebrating Valentine's Day, any anniversaries we have, etc. if we date.

 

2. I told him over Facebook that I accidentally cut myself with a knife and he immediately came online (he gets a notification on his phone that shows the message contents), but didn't respond until 10 min later (when he normally replies in 1-2 minutes) with "LOL is it a bad cut." This made me feel like he barely even cared. Also, just in general I feel like he's not very good at comforting me. When I told him my mother was sick (somewhat serious condition), for example, he didn't say very much.

 

3.) Flirted with another girl in front of me. I don't know if it was to make me jealous or something, but it still hurt. This girl who sits next to him in class was walking into the classroom, and he blocked her way and pinched her arm playfully. They then proceeded to play fight in front of me. It was the first time I ever saw him touch another girl besides me so it's not like he's a player/huge flirt, but still.

 

Am I just being too nitpicky? We're both seniors in high school by the way (18 years old).

 

***He doesn't know that I know that he likes me. He doesn't know that I like him.

Edited December 13, 2015 by Confused Teenager

[yourownchicken]

My best friend likes me. I like him back.

 

...

 

***He doesn't know that I know that he likes me. He doesn't know that I like him.

 

Right here.... These two things (IMO) at least partially answer your question.

 

First thought when reading this was a question that popped in my mind: "would he make a move if he knew you liked him?"

 

Next thought was maybe you aren't ready. See rather than noticing these things, IMO you really should be thinking "Will these things I notice now be a detriment to our relationship?"

 

When you think of things like that, the answer becomes more clear. It's easy to say should we get into a relationship. It's much harder to realize you WANT a relationship.

 

If you should do what makes you happy, then you should assess the situation that way.

 

THEN, after that, you need to realize that it's possible he might not feel the same way. You are making it sound like he doesn't care about you. Yet you started out by saying "My best friend likes me."

 

Are you sure?

 

And if so, and you know you want it, what's really holding you back?

 

Hope that gives some perspective.

 

Cheers,

yourownchicken (18 as well lol)

 

 

P.S When I say this, I'm thinking from a detached point of view...

 

I do think perhaps it might just be you just need to jump in the fray. Sometimes looking at things clinically isn't always the best way. Being emotionally connected to people allows me to give my advice.

 

If you would rather my emotion come into play, then don't let these become an issue. It's like when you smell something that looks disgusting and gives you that apprehensive feeling. But when you try it, it taste surprisingly well.

 

If you are really unsure, remember it's incredibly easy to let opportunities pass you.

 

Go what you think is right. Trust your instincts, for they will guide you :3

Edited December 13, 2015 by yourownchicken
I had more to say that I think you needed to hear :)

[Confused Teenager]

Right here.... These two things (IMO) at least partially answer your question.

 

First thought when reading this was, the question that popped in my mind was: "would he make a move if he knew you liked him?"

 

Next thought was maybe you aren't ready. See rather than noticing these things, IMO you really should be thinking "Will these things I notice now be a detriment to our relationship?"

 

When you think of things like that, the answer becomes more clear. It's easy to say should we get into a relationship. It's much harder to realize you WANT a relationship.

 

If you should do what makes you happy, then you should access the situation that way.

 

THEN, after that, you need to realize that it's possible he might not feel the same way. You are making it sound like he doesn't care about you. Yet you started out by saying "My best friend likes me."

 

Are you sure?

 

And if so, and you know you want it, what's really holding you back?

 

Hope that gives some perspective.

 

Cheers,

yourownchicken (18 as well lol)

 

Sorry I wasn't super clear about it. So basically, for the past month he's been telling me that he has a secret that he's going to tell me the last day of school before winter break. I've asked enough questions and gotten enough hints that point to him liking me. I'm 90% sure that his secret is that he likes me. I didn't really talk about his good points in my opening post or why I think he likes me in this post - woops.

 

We get along really well. As in, I'm 100% myself around him. It doesn't bother me or him when I'm just chilling with no makeup on, uncombed hair, and wearing ugly PJs that I got from god who knows where. He once took off my shoe when we were play fighting and so I put my foot near his face and asked him if it smelled. That's how grossly comfortable we are with each other. He doesn't have to hide anything either. He makes me smile and laugh a lot and I have loads of fun around him. We don't go a day without talking to one another. He texts me random stuff throughout the day - for example, the other day he sent me a pic of a squirrel he made in ceramics. That is what I like about him.

 

BUT...I don't know if I'm just being too cautious, but I'm worried about the three things I mentioned previously. You're right, maybe I'm not ready. What's holding me back? I know I shouldn't carry the past with me, but I was hurt really badly by my ex. He started liking some other girl while we were still dating and I had to take matters into my own hand and break up with him. #3 (the flirting issue) bothers me bc I'm scared that the guy I like now will eventually flirt with other girls like my ex did. #1 and #2 bother me bc I'm worried he won't be as affectionate or caring as I want him to be if we date (also a problem I had with my ex). I don't know...I guess I just want to make sure everything lines up perfectly so I don't get hurt again, which I know isn't very realistic.

[yourownchicken]

 

BUT...I don't know if I'm just being too cautious, but I'm worried about the three things I mentioned previously. You're right, maybe I'm not ready. What's holding me back? I know I shouldn't carry the past with me, but I was hurt really badly by my ex. He started liking some other girl while we were still dating and I had to take matters into my own hand and break up with him. #3 (the flirting issue) bothers me bc I'm scared that the guy I like now will eventually flirt with other girls like my ex did. #1 and #2 bother me bc I'm worried he won't be as affectionate or caring as I want him to be if we date (also a problem I had with my ex). I don't know...I guess I just want to make sure everything lines up perfectly so I don't get hurt again, which I know isn't very realistic.

 

When in doubt, wait it out lol.

 

Like you said... He hasn't said anything yet. Maybe wait till he actually says the secret just to confirm?

 

Either that or take a chance.

 

But when you take this chance, be sure youre ready. If you want to be with him, in the end, I don't think the past will stop you. It will make you hesitate sure, but if you want it you'll get it.

 

In the meantime though wait it out. Lol You still got time before he reveals secret. Young love is nice tho ain't it? lol... Makes me abt sad my gf + I...

 

Anyhow... He sounds pretty cool in my opinion. If he does indeed tell you he likes you, I'd go for it. Lol Especially after what you are telling me

 

Good luck lovebird

 

yourownchicken

[phineas]

As a guy I behave the same way towards women I'm not dating.

Sorry but I'm not going to treat a woman friend like a gf.

Men don't usually do cards and gifts.

 

I have plenty of women friends.

Even if I did like them the most I'd do is buy them a drink for their birthday.

 

Also you are upset because it took 10mins. For him to respond to the news you can't use a knife?

Couldn't of been that bad a cut if you were able to post about it. Sheesh.

 

And if he doesn't know you like him then flirting with other women is what he should be doing.

 

These are all minor silly things.

 

 

It's sounds to me like you are looking for excuses not to date him.

[Confused Teenager]

As a guy I behave the same way towards women I'm not dating.

Sorry but I'm not going to treat a woman friend like a gf.

Men don't usually do cards and gifts.

 

Also you are upset because it took 10mins. For him to respond to the news you can't use a knife?

 

And if he doesn't know you like him then flirting with other women is what he should be doing.

 

These are all minor silly things.

 

Would you give a woman a birthday gift if she was your gf then? Or would you still not care at all about these things? Fine, your logic makes sense about not treating a friend like a girlfriend. But I don't want to still be treated the same way if I get into a relationship.

 

I was upset that it took him ten minutes and the fact that the first word he said was "LOL" when he did respond. He also wasn't very responsive when I told him about my mom. I want to know that I can rely on him sometimes if I'm feeling down.

 

I disagree that flirting with other people is what he should be doing, especially if it's in front of the girl he likes. It's just counterproductive. Either you're not very interested in me, or you're playing stupid games to make me jealous.

 

I'm not looking for excuses not to date him. I do want to date him. But these yellow flags make me worried. I admit that I may be overreacting, but it's hard for myself to see my own faults if you know what I mean. I can't tell if I really am making a mountain out of a hill. Are these things really so trivial in your guys' minds?

[smackie9]

Just because you like someone doesn't mean you should put your life on hold, and commit to them like they were your GF. He likes her, but he can like more than one girl at the same time. Play fighting is not always mean it's flirting. I see it at work all the time, it means nothing but having some fun to breakup the day, coworker bonding.

[smackie9]

OP relax and stop picking at it. Just carry on like nothing has happened and wait till he talks to you. Making assumptions is a waste of energy.

[Glitters]

If he likes you, he could be flirting with other girls to get a rise out of you and maybe push you to say it first. Its not working on you though. Hopefully he will notice that its counterproductive and might push you away.

 

For knife thing, maybe he didnt know how to respond ?

 

When does your winter break begin? Suspense will be over soon

[kitty12345]

Stay away from a guy that flirts with ' female friends ' in front of you. Or any guy who has lots of 'female friends '.

[phineas]

Would you give a woman a birthday gift if she was your gf then? Or would you still not care at all about these things? Fine, your logic makes sense about not treating a friend like a girlfriend. But I don't want to still be treated the same way if I get into a relationship.

 

I was upset that it took him ten minutes and the fact that the first word he said was "LOL" when he did respond. He also wasn't very responsive when I told him about my mom. I want to know that I can rely on him sometimes if I'm feeling down.

 

I disagree that flirting with other people is what he should be doing, especially if it's in front of the girl he likes. It's just counterproductive. Either you're not very interested in me, or you're playing stupid games to make me jealous.

 

I'm not looking for excuses not to date him. I do want to date him. But these yellow flags make me worried. I admit that I may be overreacting, but it's hard for myself to see my own faults if you know what I mean. I can't tell if I really am making a mountain out of a hill. Are these things really so trivial in your guys' minds?

 

If I want to keep having sex I damn well better get my GF a birthday gift. But a female friend? nope.

 

Flirting with other women in front of you got your attention didn't it?

It's got you spinning it seems.

 

Yes they are trivial things.

If you do want to date him & Keep him I suggest you learn to let trivial things like this go.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I too zeroed-in on that last line in the O.P.

 

 

What IF HE is (on some other web forum) telling the world that he DOES have feelings for you, and asking for ideas how to be bold enough to (win your heart)?

 

 

I think that for the same reasons why "Friends with Benefits" is NEVER an ***equal***-weighted arrangement, it isn't fair to grade him on his having flirted with another girl in front of you.

 

(***that does NOT mean that this topic has anything to DO with "friends with benefits"... just that, male and female 'friends' are seldom at the same level of interest/disinterest romantically with/about that same 'friend')

 

 

 

 

 

He might be pining for you... and could be at the point where he (hasn't recognized any signs, through the self-created fog of bliss), and would need you to come right out and slap him with your interest, before he *gets it*.

 

(perhaps instead of pining, he has convinced himself (through a small-seeming chart of your daily actions, or each breath you take) that you

 

A) Stepped on a crack, and thus risked breaking your mother's back

 

B) Eat your Oreos the wrong way (*whichever way that is)

 

C) Put the salad fork on the wrong side (*whichever side THAT is )

 

 

 

... and with the help of those flaws in your character, he has motivated himself toward flirting with other girls just to get his mind off of you.

 

 

 

IF you guys really are comfortable friends, I really think this is the time to roll the dice and tell him that you feel more...

 

 

(it's certainly OK for a young woman to DO so, in nearly 2016...)

[Confused Teenager]

OP relax and stop picking at it. Just carry on like nothing has happened and wait till he talks to you. Making assumptions is a waste of energy.

 

You're right, I'm gonna try to think about this less until it actually happens.

 

When does your winter break begin? Suspense will be over soon

 

It begins after this week. So he plans on telling me whatever his "secret" is on Friday.

 

Stay away from a guy that flirts with ' female friends ' in front of you. Or any guy who has lots of 'female friends '.

 

I'll keep this in mind.

 

(perhaps instead of pining, he has convinced himself (through a small-seeming chart of your daily actions, or each breath you take) that you

 

A) Stepped on a crack, and thus risked breaking your mother's back

 

B) Eat your Oreos the wrong way (*whichever way that is)

 

C) Put the salad fork on the wrong side (*whichever side THAT is )

 

IF you guys really are comfortable friends, I really think this is the time to roll the dice and tell him that you feel more...

 

I didn't really get what you were trying to say with your stepping on the crack/oreos thing. I'm guessing it means that I'm just being too nitpicky/critical of his actions?

 

Putting his "flaws" (or maybe not, according to you guys) aside, I don't know if it's worth the risk of losing his friendship in the future if the relationship ends badly. I really treasure him as a friend and I'd be sad to ever lose him. We've been friends for over 3 years. Also, the two of us are going on a trip to another country in July that our school has planned. Even though it's a school trip, the only person I know who is signed up for the trip is him, and the only person he knows that will be going is me. I don't want to screw things up and have things be awkward for us later on.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Much of that last part is merely the luxury of being a woman.

 

 

Half of us cannot relate to that...

 

 

Yet, logically, it still makes sense for a woman to determine what she wants most, and then to pursue that, with no fears about secondary outcomes or impacts.

[Confused Teenager]

Much of that last part is merely the luxury of being a woman.

 

 

Half of us cannot relate to that...

 

 

Yet, logically, it still makes sense for a woman to determine what she wants most, and then to pursue that, with no fears about secondary outcomes or impacts.

 

So basically you're saying that I should just jump in without overthinking it?

 

Anyways, he'll be telling me on Friday so I'll let you guys know what (if anything - since it's not 100% confirmed he likes me although I am pretty sure) happens.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

What I'm really saying is that, because you're a woman (and with it, so many other romantic offers will arrive in time), youuuuuuuuuuuu really can (decide what you want to do with this friendship ) (and have it your way, either way)...

 

 

But the smart money is on this male friend of yours sorta pining, romantically for you... and on his wanting to roll the dice on a romantic relationship with you, while perfectly happy to risk whatever friendship you see yourself maintaining with him.

[Confused Teenager]

What I'm really saying is that, because you're a woman (and with it, so many other romantic offers will arrive in time), youuuuuuuuuuuu really can (decide what you want to do with this friendship ) (and have it your way, either way)...

 

 

But the smart money is on this male friend of yours sorta pining, romantically for you... and on his wanting to roll the dice on a romantic relationship with you, while perfectly happy to risk whatever friendship you see yourself maintaining with him.

 

Today he told me he liked me. Up until then, I didn't know what I wanted to do. But when he confessed his feelings, I felt that in my gut that I wanted to reciprocate his feelings, even if maybe down the road it'll put our friendship at risk. Before I left, he gave me a sweet Christmas card and a cup he made in ceramics with the words "because you are you" (so that solves one of the problems I had). Everything was very comfortable, and it really wasn't awkward at all - perhaps because we already have a very solid foundation as friends.

 

However, I admit I do have some bad jealousy issues still. We had a long talk (4 hrs), and one thing we talked about was how at one point we had both thought the other liked someone else. I brought up the girl he had play fought with and pinched, and he said it was just an inside joke and then said he wouldn't stop doing it - which I thought was a weird thing to say when I didn't even ask him to stop (all I said was, "I thought you liked X because you were pinching and poking her"). I didn't want to come off as jealous and clingy so I just quickly changed the topic, but it still really bothered me. I don't touch any other guys, and personally don't see a reason to so if I'm not interested in them, but since the common consensus among you guys is that I'm worrying about nothing, I think I need help changing my perspective. Can anyone offer me any advice to help me get rid of my jealousy?

 

I've read a few articles, and they mostly say that jealousy stems from insecurity. However, in general, I think I am a pretty confident person. I don't have particularly low self-esteem (at least I don't believe so); I think I am decently attractive, kind, and smart. I don't feel inferior next to other girls, but for some reason if I see the guy I like next to another girl (no matter how pretty/interesting/nice she is), intense jealousy just suddenly flares up inside me and sometimes it's so intense it surprises me, myself.

[Glitters]

Today he told me he liked me. Up until then, I didn't know what I wanted to do. But when he confessed his feelings, I felt that in my gut that I wanted to reciprocate his feelings, even if maybe down the road it'll put our friendship at risk. Before I left, he gave me a sweet Christmas card and a cup he made in ceramics with the words "because you are you" (so that solves one of the problems I had). Everything was very comfortable, and it really wasn't awkward at all - perhaps because we already have a very solid foundation as friends.

 

However, I admit I do have some bad jealousy issues still. We had a long talk (4 hrs), and one thing we talked about was how at one point we had both thought the other liked someone else. I brought up the girl he had play fought with and pinched, and he said it was just an inside joke and then said he wouldn't stop doing it - which I thought was a weird thing to say when I didn't even ask him to stop (all I said was, "I thought you liked X because you were pinching and poking her"). I didn't want to come off as jealous and clingy so I just quickly changed the topic, but it still really bothered me. I don't touch any other guys, and personally don't see a reason to so if I'm not interested in them, but since the common consensus among you guys is that I'm worrying about nothing, I think I need help changing my perspective. Can anyone offer me any advice to help me get rid of my jealousy?

 

I've read a few articles, and they mostly say that jealousy stems from insecurity. However, in general, I think I am a pretty confident person. I don't have particularly low self-esteem (at least I don't believe so); I think I am decently attractive, kind, and smart. I don't feel inferior next to other girls, but for some reason if I see the guy I like next to another girl (no matter how pretty/interesting/nice she is), intense jealousy just suddenly flares up inside me and sometimes it's so intense it surprises me, myself.

 

He has told you point blank. Now it's upto you to decide if you want to go ahead with him or not.

 

How about reading some articles that tell about guys who keep female friends around? What does that tell about them ? Nothing healthy.

 

People in healthy relationships bring out the good in one another and if they bring out the bad in you , they are not right for you. This guy is not bringing out the good in you rather making you doubt about yourself ! Something that you are not.

 

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. This is just one girl with whom he has an inside joke. Just wait when you become official. This same friend will show her right on him , why ? Because she has his yes!Not good for you. For him , yes. For her , yes. Because in their eyes , they are just being friendly and you have jealousy issues , low self esteem , insecurity. They will continue their friendship right under your nose and have fun.

 

I would advice you to move on. There will be many women who will accept him and his harem of women. Those are the women with low self esteem. He will either outgrow from this at a certain age and understand or he never will. Don't waste your time on him.

 

On a side note : he is the one with low self esteem

[wb1988]

I've read a few articles, and they mostly say that jealousy stems from insecurity.

 

Some of it might be but a lot of it is to allow proper judgement of a situation, to make yourself concerned about a problem, as well as preventative action. Anyone that never feels jealous is a fool and likely to end up with the world walking all over them. If a person is hitting on your partner and is doing so successfully then you should get jealous, with an uncomfortable physical feeling. Yeah this is your body telling you to wake the **** and up and do something.

 

Pff so many of those journalists love to write that all of your problems are down to your insecurities and that being confident is being someone that's okay with everything. It's like yeah my gf/bf cheats on me regularly but I'm okay with it because I'm confident LOL.

Edited December 19, 2015 by wb1988

[kitty12345]

If you accept once , more will follow and the line you would be thrown is : I told you , I'm like this.

 

I promise, there are more than one. If you want to sleep peacefully at night , don't date him. He will be the first one to drop you like a hot potato if he sees you having a friendly chat with one male friend of yours. He will question your loyalty.

 

You are not okay with this part of him, don't let anyone make you accept what you don't want to. You haven't lost anything at this point.

[Confused Teenager]

Guys, I'm confused. Earlier everyone was saying that my worries were silly and if I wanted to keep him I should let these "little things" go. But now everyone is telling me that these are red flags, a warning sign and I should drop him like a hot potato. I don't know what to make of this. He doesn't really have female friends other than me. It's just more like he's friendly with his classmates, and some happen to be girls. Him messing around with that girl was the first time I saw him touch another girl (whether he was intentionally flirting, I don't know, but it still bothers me). He doesn't hang out with any other girls besides me, and in the past when I've played around on his phone (silly stuff like messaging his guy friends that he loved them) I never really saw any messages to another girl besides me. I don't know, maybe because he has never done something like this before, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Also, I just now realized I forgot to tell you guys something that might be crucial. Previously in our friendship (a few months ago) I had told him I liked another guy, Daniel. So when Ben asked me how long I liked him (Ben), I told him X months, which was before I said I had liked Daniel. He asked me if me liking Daniel was something I made up, and I then admitted to him that when I'm not dating anyone, I can like more than one guy at a time sometimes. Let me make it clear though, when I am in a relationship with someone I am completely faithful to that one guy, and only him. I don't flirt with other guys because I know how awful it would feel if it was the other way around. Anyways, this convo took place right before I brought up the girl, and now that I think about it, it may be possible he just said that he wouldn't stop in retaliation of what I said. Maybe I brought this upon myself.

 

Here's how the convo went, in case it gives you guys a little bit more context.

 

Me: Basically, when I'm not dating anyone, I can like two guys at once. So when I told you I liked Daniel, I also liked you, too. I know, it's kind of bad.

Him: No, I get what you mean. I kind of went through the same thing, too, when I still liked Jenny (this girl he asked to prom in April), but then I started liking you, too. But yeah, with Jenny after prom we both knew we were friends. We didn't have to say anything, you could just feel it in the air that there wasn't anything there.

Me: A few months ago I thought you still liked Jenny. And then I thought you liked X (girl he pinched/poked).

Him: Why? Because I talk to her a lot? I have this amazing knack at getting along with people who sit around me.

Me: No, because you were pinching and poking her.

Him: Oh, that's because of an inside joke. I'm not going to stop doing it though.

Me: Oh (or some other bland response; I think I just changed the topic after this).

Edited December 19, 2015 by Confused Teenager

[Glitters]

Since you guys are on holiday and not going to see each other, take this time to put the pieces together and evaluate. You might end up seeing his behavior as something to tease you or something deeper. If it's the former, no issues. But if it's the latter, you move on.

 

Being friendly, is different from being overly friendly and flirty. He could be leading on the other girl and yes, he realizes what he is doing. He is not oblivious while he might try to make it look like that. In the beginning of a relationship, you should be feeling different ( the initial phase) but it seems you are not. You already have doubts about him being trustworthy. I don't blame you. Any girl , in your situation would be. He is the one with issue, not you. He very well could have the character who makes one girl jealous over the other and enjoy seeing two girls fighting for him and his attention. Not worth the hassle!

 

If you go ahead, just remember that if you have a hard time trusting him , it's not you, it's him. He is not showing signs of gaining your trust.

[Glitters]

The trust thing is something that you will understand as grow older. He probably will say that you don't trust him while the fact is he is not gaining your trust. Different things!

Time away will help you evaluate and see things better.

[kitty12345]

Read the ' cheating etc' forum here and you will find many posts about female friends ruining a relationship where the guy refuses to take responsibility and/or see anything wrong.

 

Opposite sex friendships are normal but there is a fine line that doesn't take long to get crossed and usually the victim is the girlfriend and neither the boyfriend not the girl friend