smellysocksuni Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Hi everyone... I've just got a question... I've been studying intensely for a course that I'm on. I've got like five essays that are due in next week. I've only done one. My girlfriend's best friend has just been found dead, she committed suicide. She is now having a go at me, saying that I am not there for her and not comforting her, etc. I feel stuck. If I tell her to come over, I will not get any studying done. These studies are for me to get into university. TO get a better life. What do I do?
winny Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Hi everyone... I've just got a question... I've been studying intensely for a course that I'm on. I've got like five essays that are due in next week. I've only done one. My girlfriend's best friend has just been found dead, she committed suicide. She is now having a go at me, saying that I am not there for her and not comforting her, etc. I feel stuck. If I tell her to come over, I will not get any studying done. These studies are for me to get into university. TO get a better life. What do I do? Studies first. Girlfriends later. I am sure she has other friends and her family to take care of her at this time. Frankly she should not put you on a spot like this for something that is not your fault. You can go and meet her for an hour or two and then come back and do your studies. 2
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 12, 2015 Author Posted December 12, 2015 Studies first. Girlfriends later. I am sure she has other friends and her family to take care of her at this time. Frankly she should not put you on a spot like this for something that is not your fault. You can go and meet her for an hour or two and then come back and do your studies. Even though her friend has died? I feel like that's a little cruel. She will play on it and bring it up for months after this. I can't afford to fall behind any more.
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 This is so horrible. I feel like she will expect me to take care of her for days and days. I don't think I can support her with this. That's not me being nasty, but I just can't.
playlislay Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Here's what you do: * you tell her that in one week, once your essays are handed in, you will be there for her every waking hour of the day. * you also tell her that you'll see her for one hour every day during your week of studying and working. *tell her how much you do really want to be there for her, and you will, but right now your studies need to get done (you DON'T want to fail and have to repeat the year). * you don't just tell her all of this, you DO it. One day, someone close to you will die. Maybe naturally, maybe horrifically, but they'll die. All of your loved ones are going to die at some point and it is going to KILL you inside and out. Naturally, you will expect to be able to seek solace from your partner. You'll want them to hold you when you feel like your hearts being ripped out. You'll want them to listen to your worries and wipe your tears. Now imagine if your partner left you to it and kept their distance? How s**t and disappointed would you feel? "Lost" is probably the best word to describe it. I know it sounds dramatic, but I've been that girlfriend and it has been the worst let down of my 30 years of walking this planet. My point is that one day you'll be in a similar position and will need support, so it's only morally right to do the same. Failing that, think of the karma! 5
hasaquestion Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Hi everyone... I've just got a question... I've been studying intensely for a course that I'm on. I've got like five essays that are due in next week. I've only done one. My girlfriend's best friend has just been found dead, she committed suicide. She is now having a go at me, saying that I am not there for her and not comforting her, etc. I feel stuck. If I tell her to come over, I will not get any studying done. These studies are for me to get into university. TO get a better life. What do I do? My best friend has been in my life deeper into being a toddler than my memory extends. He is my brother. He's closer to me than my real brother. He's in some ways closer to me than my parents. He's possibly the most important person in my life. The thought of him dying sickens me. But the thought of screwing up someone else's life over it bad too. Always pick school over the girlfriend. Do well in enough school and university and you'll have plenty of possible new girlfriends. Don't jeopardize your future over someone you don't even know you'll be with in a year. 3
winny Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Even though her friend has died? I feel like that's a little cruel. She will play on it and bring it up for months after this. I can't afford to fall behind any more. I am sorry but your girlfriend is being selfish. I have lost people very very close to me when I was a student but I wasnt asking others to stop their lives and come sit with me. I cried for hours and then went back to my studies. It took me days to get over it. I did not have a boyfriend to lean on. Did I not deal with my loss then? Yes I did perfectly fine. Frankly what exactly can you do at the moment... can u bring the friend back? No. All you can do is provide her some amount of emotional support, which she can also get from her Mom, Dad and other friends. What kind of girlfriend wants her boyfriend to neglect his studies so that she can sit n cry with him for a friend whoz not gonna come back no matter what anyone does! 2
d0nnivain Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Can you spare even an hour for your GF right now? Give her a hug. Let her cry on your shoulder. Do tell your teachers what is going on. Ask for an extension but be prepared not to get one. 1
smackie9 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 You could go to the dean and ask for a deadline extension for your essays. I know when I was in college they allowed this for personal crisis.
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Can you spare even an hour for your GF right now? Give her a hug. Let her cry on your shoulder. Do tell your teachers what is going on. Ask for an extension but be prepared not to get one. I can't ask for an extension, I have already asked for one for my own reasons. I can't afford to fall behind any further. I know it will seem like I'm being cruel, but... also, this person committed suicide. I know that's upsetting, but I find it an incredibly selfish act. I understand the desperation, because I am clinically depressed myself..but still. 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Here's what you do: * you tell her that in one week, once your essays are handed in, you will be there for her every waking hour of the day. * you also tell her that you'll see her for one hour every day during your week of studying and working. *tell her how much you do really want to be there for her, and you will, but right now your studies need to get done (you DON'T want to fail and have to repeat the year). * you don't just tell her all of this, you DO it. One day, someone close to you will die. Maybe naturally, maybe horrifically, but they'll die. All of your loved ones are going to die at some point and it is going to KILL you inside and out. Naturally, you will expect to be able to seek solace from your partner. You'll want them to hold you when you feel like your hearts being ripped out. You'll want them to listen to your worries and wipe your tears. Now imagine if your partner left you to it and kept their distance? How s**t and disappointed would you feel? "Lost" is probably the best word to describe it. I know it sounds dramatic, but I've been that girlfriend and it has been the worst let down of my 30 years of walking this planet. My point is that one day you'll be in a similar position and will need support, so it's only morally right to do the same. Failing that, think of the karma! Eight years ago, I lost my mum. It was the worst thing to have ever happened to me. I was only 23. BUT I would not have wanted anyone to drop everything and be there for me 24 hours a day.
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Thank you for all your replies. I am trying not to come across as a heartless individual, because I'm not. Yes, suggesting that I sit with my girlfriend for an hour or two is fine. The thing is, she will continue messaging me after she's left saying that she wishes she was with me etc. I then suggest to her that made it's a good idea to spend time with family, friends - she says she doesn't want to, she only wants to be with me. If I see her, she will stay for a day or two. I am finding this situation highly difficult, as I have to be studying pretty much all the time. I don't even have time for myself.
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 I'm guilty of putting things off to the last minute too but this is why it's a bad idea. If you had done your work on time & not asked for the extension you needed already, you would be able to be there for your GF. While the friend's act of suicide maybe selfish nobody kills themselves because everything in life if working for them. You act like this person killed themselves now just to mess up your studies. As for your GF if she knows you have to study, if you gave her an hour, she should try to understand but if you are saying she has no boundaries & won't respect your time even if you carve out some for her, then yes she is selfish but do understand right this minute she is allowed to be incredibly needy. Her world got rocked by this friend's untimely death. She may be wondering what she did wrong, how she could have acted differently to get the friend some help & to have prevented this. I suspect your relationship may end over this. I know if my BF wasn't there for me in my time of need, he wouldn't be my BF much longer.
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) I'm guilty of putting things off to the last minute too but this is why it's a bad idea. If you had done your work on time & not asked for the extension you needed already, you would be able to be there for your GF. While the friend's act of suicide maybe selfish nobody kills themselves because everything in life if working for them. You act like this person killed themselves now just to mess up your studies. As for your GF if she knows you have to study, if you gave her an hour, she should try to understand but if you are saying she has no boundaries & won't respect your time even if you carve out some for her, then yes she is selfish but do understand right this minute she is allowed to be incredibly needy. Her world got rocked by this friend's untimely death. She may be wondering what she did wrong, how she could have acted differently to get the friend some help & to have prevented this. I suspect your relationship may end over this. I know if my BF wasn't there for me in my time of need, he wouldn't be my BF much longer. With all due respect, I have my own personal mental health issues that have caused me to be behind. I can understand your point, but whether I did my work on time or not is not relevant. I have had to go to my doctor to get a medical certificate to show my head, already. I wasn't just lying around, leaving things to the last minute because I was being lazy. Not at all, however my opinion is that suicide is selfish. I have already stated that I suffer from mental health difficulties, and my life has been incredibly difficult - but I wouldn't consider suicide as I have suffered a major loss and would not like to inflict that on anyone. The girl in question also leaves behind a three year old daughter, and has hurt many, many people. I am not suggesting she has 'messed up my studies' - however, after many failed opportunities in life, I am finally getting my life on track. Including a major breakup that I posted about on here, and a major bereavement at the age of 23. If I mess this up or do not get my required grades, I will have to go and stack shelves for the rest of my life, and I am not prepared to do that. Yes, it may seem selfish but I have spent a large portion of my life pleasing others and I am trying to sort my life out. So yes, these studies are incredibly important. I am not an expert at dealing with these things - I have no idea how to handle this situation. Yes, I should be there for my gf (and I HAVE been doing so) I don't know how I'm supposed to balance these incredibly tough essays AND manage my girlfriend's grief. Yes, this is about being there for her - but must I give up everything I am trying to work towards? Edited December 14, 2015 by smellysocksuni
katiegrl Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) This is so horrible. I feel like she will expect me to take care of her for days and days. I don't think I can support her with this. That's not me being nasty, but I just can't. I am not understanding your girlfriend. What does she need you to do exactly? SHE needs to be strong so she can be there for (give comfort to) her best friend's family with whom I would imagine she is close? I get this is tragic, but for her to expect you to jeapardize your entry into university so she can cry on your shoulder every night is a bit much IMO. It is certainly not how I would handle the situation. She needs to put on her big girl panties and be strong because it is her best friend's family who needs HER support now. Don't allow her to toss the guilt card at you. How old is she 12? Jesus. Edited December 14, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 I am not understanding your girlfriend. What does she need you to do exactly? SHE needs to be strong so can be there for her best friend's family with whom I would imagine she is close? I get this is tragic, but for her to expect your to jeapardize your entry into university so she can cry on your shoulder every night is a little much. She needs to put on her big girl panties and be strong because it is her best friend's family who needs to support now. Hi - thanks for your reply. I don't know what she needs from me. I am being there as best I can.. she messages me often, telling me she can't cope etc and I message her back giving words of comfort. It's not as if I am ignoring her, or being insensitive. In fact, her sister's husband told his wife to 'get over it' and that 'this was bound to happen sooner or later' - I can't see them getting divorced over that. I don't think I've done anything wrong, to be honest. Yes, it is tragic - it's highly upsetting. However, I personally think you're right.. she needs to step up and be strong. For her best friend's family, and for her best friend's daughter. I agree.
katiegrl Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Hi - thanks for your reply. I don't know what she needs from me. I am being there as best I can.. she messages me often, telling me she can't cope etc and I message her back giving words of comfort. It's not as if I am ignoring her, or being insensitive. In fact, her sister's husband told his wife to 'get over it' and that 'this was bound to happen sooner or later' - I can't see them getting divorced over that. I don't think I've done anything wrong, to be honest. Yes, it is tragic - it's highly upsetting. However, I personally think you're right.. she needs to step up and be strong. For her best friend's family, and for her best friend's daughter. I agree. Well not to sound cold, but if she cannot cope, she needs to see a grief counselor. I lost both my *parents* unexpectedly last year ...and while my boyfriend was there for me as much as he could (he has two jobs)....I did not expect him to give up his life (albeit temporarily) to help me *cope*. He was supportive and listened when he could ....and I saw a grief counselor to help me cope. Honestly, IMO she is being selfish. What about her friend's family? And how they are feeling? Has she thought about THEM at all...or is she making this all about her and her grief? Needy, selfish IMO. 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Well not to sound cold, but if she cannot cope, she needs to see a grief counselor. I lost both my *parents* unexpectedly last year ...and while my boyfriend was there for me as much as he could (he has two jobs)....I did not expect him to give up his life (albeit temporarily) to help me *cope*. He was supportive and listened when he could ....and I saw a grief counselor to help me cope. Honestly, IMO she is being selfish. What about her friend's family? And how they are feeling? Has she thought about THEM at all...or is she making this all about her and her grief? Needy, selfish IMO. Losing parents is horrific, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mum years ago too, and I wouldn't have expected anyone to give up anything. She hasn't really mentioned her friend's family... She mentioned the girl's sister once but that was it. Don't know anything else about them. I have to be honest, all she talks about is how she's feeling. I would be more worried about this poor little girl she's left behind.. what's going to happen to her? And why did this girl commit suicide? I feel sad that she felt she had to end her life, despite having a beautiful little girl. She'd attempted suicide a few times, apparently. This time she just managed to succeed.
katiegrl Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Losing parents is horrific, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mum years ago too, and I wouldn't have expected anyone to give up anything. She hasn't really mentioned her friend's family... She mentioned the girl's sister once but that was it. Don't know anything else about them. I have to be honest, all she talks about is how she's feeling. I would be more worried about this poor little girl she's left behind.. what's going to happen to her? And why did this girl commit suicide? I feel sad that she felt she had to end her life, despite having a beautiful little girl. She'd attempted suicide a few times, apparently. This time she just managed to succeed. Wow I had forgotten the woman left behind a small daughter. Whom I would imagine your girlfriend is close with also .... and one would hope, care about. I need to get off this thread as I don't want to berate your girlfriend or anything, except to say she is needy and incredibly self-centered..IMO. Good luck with your studies and wish you all the best.... hugs And thank you for your condolences.... life goes on. 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Wow I had forgotten the woman left behind a small daughter. Whom I would imagine your girlfriend is close with also .... and one would hope, care about. I need to get off this thread as I don't want to berate your girlfriend or anything, except to say she is needy and incredibly self-centered..IMO. Good luck with your studies and wish you all the best.... hugs And thank you for your condolences.... life goes on. Thank you, Katie. 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 I'm sorry. I can't do this for her. I am consistently being subjected to insults and arguments when I don't do what she wants. She threatens to get back with her ex and insults my friends when I do something like cancel on her. She breaks up with me pretty much every other day, and then just turns up, acting normal. It's not my fault this has happened, I am trying my best. I don't need to be subjected to verbal abuse or threats if something comes up and I can't see her. She has really insulted me tonight, and often does anyway. Grief or no grief, it doesn't entitle people to treat others like rubbish.
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 (edited) Just venting, now. Yesterday I had her stay with me - she'd just found out and I told her to come over (I'm not accepted at her house; her parents disapprove of the relationship - otherwise I would go over there) - she stayed with me for a night and half a day. Cut to today, and she's had a go at me for "not being there" - I've spoken to her pretty much all day apart from when I had to run errands/study. I then had to tell her that I wasn't able to see her that night, sadly, but that I am here for her, I am on the end of the phone whenever she needs to talk, and that I will see her very soon. I was just met with abuse, insults, anger, hostility, aggression, a threat of breaking up with me, a threat of getting back with her ex, telling me she doesn't need me, doesn't want me, etc etc etc. Yeah, OK, maybe I should have seen her, but do I deserve to be cussed out like that? She does this anyway, regardless of whether someone has just died. This just gives her entitlement to do so without question. I actually can't sleep because I am torn between whether I'm being selfish, or whether I'm doing the right thing by keeping my education first. My friends have told me that she is being selfish and putting me on a guilt trip; but because they're my friends, sometimes I wonder if they're just saying that because they're biased. I feel terrible for her and for everyone that this has affected, of course I do. It's tragic. But lashing out at me isn't going to make me want to be there for her. Edited December 15, 2015 by smellysocksuni
hasaquestion Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Just venting, now. Yesterday I had her stay with me - she'd just found out and I told her to come over (I'm not accepted at her house; her parents disapprove of the relationship - otherwise I would go over there) - she stayed with me for a night and half a day. Cut to today, and she's had a go at me for "not being there" - I've spoken to her pretty much all day apart from when I had to run errands/study. I then had to tell her that I wasn't able to see her that night, sadly, but that I am here for her, I am on the end of the phone whenever she needs to talk, and that I will see her very soon. I was just met with abuse, insults, anger, hostility, aggression, a threat of breaking up with me, a threat of getting back with her ex, telling me she doesn't need me, doesn't want me, etc etc etc. Yeah, OK, maybe I should have seen her, but do I deserve to be cussed out like that? She does this anyway, regardless of whether someone has just died. This just gives her entitlement to do so without question. I actually can't sleep because I am torn between whether I'm being selfish, or whether I'm doing the right thing by keeping my education first. My friends have told me that she is being selfish and putting me on a guilt trip; but because they're my friends, sometimes I wonder if they're just saying that because they're biased. I feel terrible for her and for everyone that this has affected, of course I do. It's tragic. But lashing out at me isn't going to make me want to be there for her. You are absolutely doing the right thing. People your age change so much. Wait 6 months and you might not even want to be with the girlfriend. I'm sure she has plenty of redeeming qualities but step back for a minute. How many couples your age stay together forever? Thought so. At the end of the day, your studies are pivotal. You will be feeling the ripple effect of your studies for a long time. Trust me. I know a lot of young people who followed the script (great grades in HS, internationally regarded university, great grades and extracurrics at uni). If you follow that script you WILL get rewarded. They all do. Slip up and you have to 50x as much work tomorrow to make up the work you should have done today. I know its hard to see the forest through the trees now. But the gf is your present and the schoolwork is your future. Prioritize accordingly. 1
strawberryshortstack Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I can't ask for an extension, I have already asked for one for my own reasons. I can't afford to fall behind any further. I know it will seem like I'm being cruel, but... also, this person committed suicide. I know that's upsetting, but I find it an incredibly selfish act. I understand the desperation, because I am clinically depressed myself..but still. Suicide may be a selfish act, but it was not an act committed by your girlfriend, but by her friend. Your girlfriend should not be punished for the actions of her friend. However, your girlfriend should not be using this event as a way to get you to spend more time with her. That is also selfish. Your studies should come first, but perhaps you could compromise, and as others have suggested, spend an hour or so with her every day. 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 Suicide may be a selfish act, but it was not an act committed by your girlfriend, but by her friend. Your girlfriend should not be punished for the actions of her friend. However, your girlfriend should not be using this event as a way to get you to spend more time with her. That is also selfish. Your studies should come first, but perhaps you could compromise, and as others have suggested, spend an hour or so with her every day. The whole event happened three days ago. Out of those three days, I've seen her for two. She is now complaining that I haven't been there for her enough, and it's only been three days. An hour will not be enough for her. She is using this as an excuse to constantly be around me. As I wrote before, I was insulted, every aspect of my personality was insulted and so were my friends. All because I haven't 'been there enough'. If things do not go her way, she will argue with me and insult me.
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