loveweary11 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Had a massive self realization moment today and it's not good. I realized the reason I don't "seal the deal" with all these various girls is... I don't care. I don't care about anyone. I get Tinder matches and never respond, I have girls in other places lined up giving me their numbers and I procrastinate. Or... I just don't text them. I've had *several* decent women try to start something serious with me but I didn't care enough to stay put and be with them. The couple I did develop feelings for were bad. A pothead. A dishonest one that did a bit of cocaine... and that's it. I even have an age appropriate 32 year old, short, petite, very pretty brunette that's very interested in boats and traveling on them in play right now and I was *relieved* she had a family issue tonight and couldn't make our date. We rescheduled it to next weekend. I even procrastinated my way out of that Playboy model!! What the hell is wrong with me?!?! Any guesses? Is it possible I was so hurt by my divorce that I just don't care about women anymore? Because I'm not sure what else it could be. I have no feelings. For anyone. The few little sparks were for girls kind of into drugs who, for that reason, weren't compatible. Probably would have had a shot at loving those 2. I didn't have huge feelings for the ex wife at first... those grew over our marriage. I used to really fall in love before her, but now? Heart of coal. That's my problem. What's wrong with me? How do you fix that?? Should I just do sugar babies since I'm incapable of feeling love? :(
casey.lives Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Don't attack your capability to love and be loved. It's just not the season.
jen1447 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I'd be extremely cautious about labeling yourself this way. For two reasons - one, it's false, bc when ppl have the wherewithal to wonder if they care, it means they care, and two, you don't want to play around w/the concept of genuine despondency. It's flippant toward ppl who actually suffer with it, and the reality is a horrible, horrible thing. (It'd be similar to comparing yourself to someone who has cancer in order to try to satisfy some self-image you want to push for whatever reason.) I'm sorry to preach at you but if you've seen this stuff firsthand it tends to make you a little sensitive about it. You're just a guy who's a little uncertain and unfocused, maybe even disillusioned. Not a person whose life has virtually ended bc of unfortunate circumstances and a rare psychological phenomenon. 3
Author loveweary11 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Posted December 12, 2015 Don't attack your capability to love and be loved. It's just not the season. This is for real. It's also factual. I don't even have emotion over this...lol. Just a curiosity that I'd like to figure out how to fix it. I don't really get into the season... ex wife wasn't into it and that stuck with me. This just happened to pop in my head watching the Family Guy with the Amish. Meg and the Amish kid were so in love. I remember having those feelings when I was much younger. After dating lots of different girls throughout life, the feelings kind of dwindled. I've been loved. I'm having a really hard time reciprocating.
dobielover Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Having poked around at some of your other threads and seen some of your comments in other people's threads, this doesn't surprise me. You're extremely superficial towards woman to a degree that appears to be unreasonable fault finding, and now you're delaying and procrastinating getting together with even those you find meet your standards. You're emotionally unavailable. Why that is, I'm not sure, but your mention of your hurt from your divorce could very likely be the culprit. Did you go through counseling during that time or since? 1
Author loveweary11 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Posted December 12, 2015 I'd be extremely cautious about labeling yourself this way. For two reasons - one, it's false, bc when ppl have the wherewithal to wonder if they care, it means they care, and two, you don't want to play around w/the concept of genuine despondency. It's flippant toward ppl who actually suffer with it, and the reality is a horrible, horrible thing. (It'd be similar to comparing yourself to someone who has cancer in order to try to satisfy some self-image you want to push for whatever reason.) I'm sorry to preach at you but if you've seen this stuff firsthand it tends to make you a little sensitive about it. You're just a guy who's a little uncertain and unfocused, maybe even disillusioned. Not a person whose life has virtually ended bc of unfortunate circumstances and a rare psychological phenomenon. Jen, I was blaming everything else under the sun. Hookup culture, not being "the one", whatever else... but I think this is what's going on. I'm totally numb to 99.9% of the female population. I feel zero excitement about girls as I'm dating. I'm going through the motions. Not feeling those real feelings I remember from younger days. Just aimlessly sorting through the rock pile not for a diamond, but for any tiny sparkle that makes me feel *anything*. It's all just rocks, despite several probably having been good matches and wonderful people. There is one from Westchester that comes to mind. We reall had something going. I could have had something real with her. I just left. She was a sweetheart and I hurt her without even realizing it. Finally, I'm freed from the boat building excuse "too busy, have to go to the boat, etc" Now I have to face reality and the reality is I don't have feelings anymore.... Or if I do... i run. Something is way, way wrong. I could have had a decent relationship several times over, but I pulled back. Didn't get close. I've never been like this before.
Author loveweary11 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) Having poked around at some of your other threads and seen some of your comments in other people's threads, this doesn't surprise me. You're extremely superficial towards woman to a degree that appears to be unreasonable fault finding, and now you're delaying and procrastinating getting together with even those you find meet your standards. You're emotionally unavailable. Why that is, I'm not sure, but your mention of your hurt from your divorce could very likely be the culprit. Did you go through counseling during that time or since? I have not. it's been soooo long though. How could I be that screwed up from it? And what about the real fact that I wasn't feeling real love even as I got married? That it grew over time? And yes *unreasonable* fault finding. Precisely. I'm realizing that helps me not care. Edited December 12, 2015 by loveweary11 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 You remind me of a very wealthy person who has grown bored and disinterested in all the luxuries he can afford. I think a fasting period could do you some good. Don't mess with girls for a while, and see if anything changes. Consciously stop indulging in the bounty of female company you are able to secure. I'm sure the girls will be as attainable once your fast is over. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 3
Author loveweary11 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) You remind me of a very wealthy person who has grown bored and disinterested in all the luxuries he can afford. I think a fasting period could do you some good. Don't mess with girls for a while, and see if anything changes. Consciously stop indulging in the bounty of female company you are able to secure. I'm sure the girls will be as attainable once your fast is over. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You know, I almost asked if it can be possible to overdose on women in one of the responses above. I just don't get a rush out of it anymore. Maybe this is a good idea. I just sent an apology to the one in Westchester. I 100% broke her heart and I feel like a monster for it. Some emotions are awakening right now. Enough for me to realize what I've done wrong to others. A break might be good. Maybe I can spend Jan-April doing some heavy duty boat work, not hooking up or dating. Edited December 12, 2015 by loveweary11 1
Imajerk17 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 LW11 I say this with no malice: As I've said on here before, I often get the feeling that you enjoy *telling others* about the woman--and the reactions you get , more than you enjoy *actually being with* the woman herself. It is also quite possible that you haven't healed from your divorce, OR you're burned out for other reasons. Quite understandable. This also isn't mutually exclusive to the above paragraph. I do agree with you that a break from dating would do you a lot of good in any case. 2
Leigh 87 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) Had a massive self realization moment today and it's not good. I realized the reason I don't "seal the deal" with all these various girls is... I don't care. I don't care about anyone. I get Tinder matches and never respond, I have girls in other places lined up giving me their numbers and I procrastinate. Or... I just don't text them. I've had *several* decent women try to start something serious with me but I didn't care enough to stay put and be with them. The couple I did develop feelings for were bad. A pothead. A dishonest one that did a bit of cocaine... and that's it. I even have an age appropriate 32 year old, short, petite, very pretty brunette that's very interested in boats and traveling on them in play right now and I was *relieved* she had a family issue tonight and couldn't make our date. We rescheduled it to next weekend. I even procrastinated my way out of that Playboy model!! What the hell is wrong with me?!?! Any guesses? Is it possible I was so hurt by my divorce that I just don't care about women anymore? Because I'm not sure what else it could be. I have no feelings. For anyone. The few little sparks were for girls kind of into drugs who, for that reason, weren't compatible. Probably would have had a shot at loving those 2. I didn't have huge feelings for the ex wife at first... those grew over our marriage. I used to really fall in love before her, but now? Heart of coal. That's my problem. What's wrong with me? How do you fix that?? Should I just do sugar babies since I'm incapable of feeling love? :( I don't feel much. Only men who were totally incompatible with me triggered sparks. .... I could feel chemistry but never a genuine spark where you just click. So yeah. Chemistry or emotionally speaking, growing to love someone I skipped the sparks and infatuation stage with, was the best I could do. And Chemistry and love were mutually exclusive. Never did I love the men who wanted me and always did I get *feelings * for men who didn't feel for me emotionally (yet whoI had chemistry with). I just don'tthink you have met the right girl yet. Some people need the true, deep soul mate type of connection in order to feel something. Where as most people are content with feeling lukewarm and simply and simply admiring znd respecting a partner: intense deep feelings aren't necessarily. Edited December 12, 2015 by Leigh 87 2
Leigh 87 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Jen, I was blaming everything else under the sun. Hookup culture, not being "the one", whatever else... but I think this is what's going on. I'm totally numb to 99.9% of the female population. I feel zero excitement about girls as I'm dating. I'm going through the motions. Not feeling those real feelings I remember from younger days. Just aimlessly sorting through the rock pile not for a diamond, but for any tiny sparkle that makes me feel *anything*. It's all just rocks, despite several probably having been good matches and wonderful people. There is one from Westchester that comes to mind. We reall had something going. I could have had something real with her. I just left. She was a sweetheart and I hurt her without even realizing it. Finally, I'm freed from the boat building excuse "too busy, have to go to the boat, etc" Now I have to face reality and the reality is I don't have feelings anymore.... Or if I do... i run. Something is way, way wrong. I could have had a decent relationship several times over, but I pulled back. Didn't get close. I've never been like this before. Most people don't feel intense feelings for 99.9 % of people.they meet. It is rare for someone to truly light you up inside. Perhaps you're looking for the intense chemistry where it's instant and there is just something about that person where you can't get them off your mind? Because that's rare. And it makes sense that, if you only register the most strong chemistry, that you will be hard pressed to findit readily. ....... 2
dobielover Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Most people don't feel intense feelings for 99.9 % of people.they meet. It is rare for someone to truly light you up inside. Perhaps you're looking for the intense chemistry where it's instant and there is just something about that person where you can't get them off your mind? Because that's rare. And it makes sense that, if you only register the most strong chemistry, that you will be hard pressed to findit readily. ....... I don't agree. It's not hard to feel something for another person. It's hard to find someone who you feel that something for, who feels it back, where you're also compatible and all the tougher variables (timing, geography, etc.) line up.
Gaeta Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 So what's the problem? There is no written law that says you must fall in love, or seek love, or be in a relationship. If you don't care about women and dating than just leave them be for a while and concentrate on other things. If you don't care for women and relationship then you won't miss them. 2
TheTraveler Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Is it possible I was so hurt by my divorce that I just don't care about women anymore? Because I'm not sure what else it could be. Yes. What can fix it? Time. And when you get that excited/nervous feeling to go on a date, you're ready. 1
Ami1uwant Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 My two cents on this.... 1. You it really hurt by your wife...you need counseling, as a result you are choosing no commitment flakes to date. You don't want to comIt because you are afraid of getting hurt. 2. I think with online dating you are more of a maximizer rather than a satisfiers so in dates you are looking for ms 120% who doesn't exist thus next everyone. 1
katiegrl Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) Disregard previous post...it won't let me post the actual website. Sort of went kaplooy when I did and now I can't post it at all. Edited December 13, 2015 by katiegrl 1
katiegrl Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) LW....I can't post the link from my i-phone ....but go to Holistic Psychotherapy and Life Coaching. Integrating bodywork modalities with traditional talk therapy. Meditation video and cd. | click on articles and then "Commitment-Phobia: The Source and the way Out." Really good article ...commitment phobia is all about fear, explains why and how to overcome. Good luck! That was weird -- that us nitvwhat I posted! Website is www. visualizationworks. com. Article is "commitment phobia: the source and the way out" Edited December 13, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author loveweary11 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 My two cents on this.... 1. You it really hurt by your wife...you need counseling, as a result you are choosing no commitment flakes to date. You don't want to comIt because you are afraid of getting hurt. 2. I think with online dating you are more of a maximizer rather than a satisfiers so in dates you are looking for ms 120% who doesn't exist thus next everyone. Seems like the case. I have those good ones from NY i up and left on and here in the South, I have 2 or 3 serious relationship types and I'm avoiding them. Perfectly normal, nice, interested, attractive women one of them even loves boats... and I'm avoiding them.
guest569 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Any guesses? Is it possible I was so hurt by my divorce that I just don't care about women anymore? Because I'm not sure what else it could be. I have no feelings. For anyone. I think you're probably onto something there. You're either just not finding someone you want, or you're deliberately closing yourself off to finding love again due to the pain you have experienced. not so much that you don't care, but you're not ready? I've been hurt a fair bit and now I've found someone that seems awesome and I am hesitating and looking for some kind of fault or incompatibility. I dont know, I could be far off.. just some guesses and ideas to do with as you wish 1
Author loveweary11 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 I've always been so happy, so full of wonder at the world, so easy to feel love and that's all gone. I don't want to be this kind of person anymore. I want to go back to being my old self. Even simple dating rejection is too much. I pull the trigger before they can every time. I've done the fade on tons of them.
No_Go Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 LW11, you're not alone. I feel like I'm getting in that state not only for men but for anything in life. Just the excitement is not there. I feel like if my BF dumps me I won't care. Probably won't even bother to date afterwards. Work-wise I'm doing the things because I can, not because I'm excited. "Fun" stuff - just another box to check. What we experience is probably a midlife crisis. I expected it later (I'm 31), but maybe timing depends on life experience, not purely age.
Author loveweary11 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 Whoa... look at my screen name! A bit on the nose? Nogo: I'm very happy/excited and beyond content living in various places and traveling, but I'm not stopping to smell the roses or feeling love. It's all practical and routine. I feel like i need to get back to being wowed by little things such as rainbows (that i see nearly every day..,lol)
carhill Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Life isn't linear. Love isn't a car you expect to start every morning, rain or shine. It's more like music in your mind which comes, and goes, often without warning, and can transform you. Go on living and it will flow. The longer you live, the more opportunities you'll have. I was reminded of that last week when an old guy I've admired for many years turned 99. He met his spouse later in life, at 38, and has been married 61 years. As a young guy, yeah, he 'got around' and was quite the lady's man. An child of immigrants, he changed his name from Issur Danielovitch to Kirk Douglas and the rest is film history. You've, hopefully, got a long life ahead of you. Don't sweat it. 3
Samhain Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Life isn't linear. Love isn't a car you expect to start every morning, rain or shine. It's more like music in your mind which comes, and goes, often without warning, and can transform you. Go on living and it will flow. The longer you live, the more opportunities you'll have. I was reminded of that last week when an old guy I've admired for many years turned 99. He met his spouse later in life, at 38, and has been married 61 years. As a young guy, yeah, he 'got around' and was quite the lady's man. An child of immigrants, he changed his name from Issur Danielovitch to Kirk Douglas and the rest is film history. You've, hopefully, got a long life ahead of you. Don't sweat it. Probably the best quote I've ever seen on here, or any sites I frequent.
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