How does a girl score ...

[Dr love]

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[Hopeful30]

 

I fail in the vulnerable department = I am still single.

 

Sounds like an excuse. You can't expect a man to accept your 'strength' if you can't accept his desire to protect you.

[Gaeta]

Sounds like an excuse. You can't expect a man to accept your 'strength' if you can't accept his desire to protect you.

 

The very first dates are decisive. A man can tell right away if he is in front of a vulnerable woman or a strong woman. If he has what I call the 'batman syndrome' he'll go for the woman that's vulnerable that will need him. The type that has a unsure future, has a hard time financially closing her months, is in need to lean on a man.

 

A man will have to work much more in getting the love of a strong woman. She will have her walls up till he proves himself to her.

 

I am not inventing this. I was told by men I dated I am intimidating and too rational and give the vibe I don't need anyone.

 

Which is true. I don't need a man, I WANT one. It's different.

 

I have a vulnerable side but there is NO freakin way I will show it on the first few dates!

[Hopeful30]

The very first dates are decisive. A man can tell right away if he is in front of a vulnerable woman or a strong woman. If he has what I call the 'batman syndrome' he'll go for the woman that's vulnerable that will need him. The type that has a unsure future, has a hard time financially closing her months, is in need to lean on a man.

 

A man will have to work much more in getting the love of a strong woman. She will have her walls up till he proves himself to her.

 

I am not inventing this. I was told by men I dated I am intimidating and too rational and give the vibe I don't need anyone.

 

Which is true. I don't need a man, I WANT one. It's different.

 

I have a vulnerable side but there is NO freakin way I will show it on the first few dates!

 

That's the thing though. I'm the same. Very strong, independent blabblabla. I've never had a problem with men in regards to that. I've never shown vulnerability and that didn't turn them off...

[xxoo]

The very first dates are decisive. A man can tell right away if he is in front of a vulnerable woman or a strong woman. If he has what I call the 'batman syndrome' he'll go for the woman that's vulnerable that will need him. The type that has a unsure future, has a hard time financially closing her months, is in need to lean on a man.

 

A man will have to work much more in getting the love of a strong woman. She will have her walls up till he proves himself to her.

 

I am not inventing this. I was told by men I dated I am intimidating and too rational and give the vibe I don't need anyone.

 

Which is true. I don't need a man, I WANT one. It's different.

 

I have a vulnerable side but there is NO freakin way I will show it on the first few dates!

 

It isn't strong vs. vulnerable. It takes strength to be vulnerable within a trusting relationship.

 

No one is asking you to be vulnerable to someone you just met. But just as women can tell within a couple dates if a man a commitment-phobe (or at least have that impression) without asking for commitment first, a man can tell within a few dates if a woman is closed off to true openness and connection (or at least have that impression).

[BlueIris]

I agree. So if we relate that to StBreton's question a man expects a woman to be vulnerable, he wants to protect her, care for her and provide for her. Right?

 

I fail in the vulnerable department = I am still single.

 

Me too.

I’m in my 50’s with grown children, my own place, my own little company, work and income and I love all of that, the work and challenge and success. I don't think I could fake vulnerability anyway, other than emotional vulnerability. Ah well, I am who I am.

[Hopeful30]

It isn't strong vs. vulnerable. It takes strength to be vulnerable within a trusting relationship.

 

No one is asking you to be vulnerable to someone you just met. But just as women can tell within a couple dates if a man a commitment-phobe (or at least have that impression) without asking for commitment first, a man can tell within a few dates if a woman is closed off to true openness and connection (or at least have that impression).

 

Maybe that's what this is Gaeta. Men can sense that you don't want "protection", and that vibe pushes them away. It's not that you don't NEED it, but you're closed off to the possibility. Maybe that's what it is.

[oldshirt]

Reading a thread started by Hopful30 (and not wanting to hijack her thread) led me to start this thread:

 

How does a girl score a DWeRP? (Dude with Relationship Potential)

 

 

• DWeRPs: What has made you guys want to "close the deal" on a certain girl over another?
  
• Girlfriends of DWeRPs: What things do the girls think helped "close the deal" for a certain dude with relationship potential?
  

Would be helpful to readers if bullet points utilized;)

 

Could be shallow things like nice body, beautiful

Could be characteristics like spontaneous, go with the flow, laughs at your jokes, warmth, good sense of humor, gregarious, good wife skills...etc etc

 

What caused that "click" moment...even if it was a combination of things

 

Try to be as specific as possible:)

 

 

 

I think what you have to do first is define what you think is DWeRP.

 

 

What makes you think one guy has relationship potential over another?

[TheArtist]

Sense of humour is right at the top for me. There's always a way to find humour in things and it makes life much more pleasurable.

 

1 - Sense of humour.

2 - Intelligent: must be able to stimulate my mind. A lot. I'm more attracted to a strong mind than a hot body.

3 - No smoking/no drugs/looks after herself (i.e. doesn't pull her chair up to the counter at an all you can eat buffet).

4 - Doesn't write in txt spk because I can't be bothered to read that and you're in your 30s. Thnx.

5 - Creative.

6 - Doesn't have those massive eyebrows that are so popular at the moment. Just ew.

7 - Nice hair. Silky and smooth is the best but if it doesn't look like a nest then it's all good.

 

I don't think that's too picky, is it? I hope not.

[mrldii]

I agree with most of the men who've replied that - for them - "it just happens"; there really IS not much a woman can do to *make* a man relationship-worthy or relationship-ready. To "find" one, she simply needs to be available, both physically and emotionally.

 

Of my 4 LTRs, only one (the first one) was "relationship material" at the get-go; he wanted to be in a relationship, wanted to get married, and wanted to be a father before he turned 30. I met him when he was 28, so his [self-set] biological clock was a-tickin'.

 

The second guy was (by today's standards) "a player"; he was gorgeous, dated lots of women, and was a confirmed bachelor 'Living the Life' when we met. I knew I *had* him (and that he became relationship material) when he called me at 1:30AM, after one his regular boys' nights out (to pick up on chicks), for a booty call and I refused him. As usual, he could have gone home with *any* woman, and instead he wanted to see me. We ended up together for 5 years.

 

The third one was divorced and had joint custody of his 2 kids. Because he was a dad, he was more open to being in a steady, committed relationship; we were together for 8 years.

 

The last guy, that's lasted 10+ years, I met on the first day he arrived in California when his company relocated him. Because he'd been born and raised in the midwest and had heard all about *California Girls*, his plan was date (and screw) 'em all. Poor thing...he settled down with the first one, from the first day.

 

 

This is another danger when people refuse to "multi-date" and refuse to date someone who is dating others; most single people are dating SOMEone, and may be at the point that they're realizing That Someone may not be The One for them. I would have missed out on some great guys for me if I'd told them upon meeting them, "Oh...you're dating someone/s else? I only exclusively date, from the get-go."

 

It works both ways, though. In addition to the fact that all my LTRs came from men who stopped seeing other women TO be with me exclusively, I'm sure there were many men that I was dating, who stopped seeing me once they found That Girl.

 

In my mind - and in my little world - that's the way it's supposed to work.

 

 

The best advice? Just show up. If he feels it, it won't matter if he IS seeing someone/s else or has never been relationship-minded before...if he feels it, he will.

 

[Gaeta]

It isn't strong vs. vulnerable. It takes strength to be vulnerable within a trusting relationship.

 

No one is asking you to be vulnerable to someone you just met. But just as women can tell within a couple dates if a man a commitment-phobe (or at least have that impression) without asking for commitment first, a man can tell within a few dates if a woman is closed off to true openness and connection (or at least have that impression).

 

I am first a human being and when I meet someone I truly feel a connection with I let my walls down and let myself believe this is it, I finally found him and he without fail, always ghost, bail, disappear. (see my quote).

 

It's still the answer to the OP. Men want vulnerability.

[Gaeta]

Sense of humour is right at the top for me. There's always a way to find humour in things and it makes life much more pleasurable.

 

1 - Sense of humour.

2 - Intelligent: must be able to stimulate my mind. A lot. I'm more attracted to a strong mind than a hot body.

3 - No smoking/no drugs/looks after herself (i.e. doesn't pull her chair up to the counter at an all you can eat buffet).

4 - Doesn't write in txt spk because I can't be bothered to read that and you're in your 30s. Thnx.

5 - Creative.

6 - Doesn't have those massive eyebrows that are so popular at the moment. Just ew.

7 - Nice hair. Silky and smooth is the best but if it doesn't look like a nest then it's all good.

 

I don't think that's too picky, is it? I hope not.

 

But none of that has priority over connection right?

 

She can have all of that but if that 'invisible thing' isn't there you won't want to spend all of your time with her.

 

What creates that 'invisible thing'? nothing, it's there or it's not, it's a vibe she will send out, you and her have no control over it.

[StBreton]

Just one quality that does it (sets her apart) for me in an instant every time;

 

* She's clearly a woman, independent, more than capable of taking care of herself - yet she still has a vulnerable little girl side to her that wants to be taken care of ...

 

Ohhh hell yeah ! That second part just melts the heart of the 'protector' in me !

 

Well ... and then all the usual stuff (looks, brains, similar interests etc.) of course.

 

I love this...I am this

 

Gaeta...you do seem to have it all (smarts, looks, independent etc) and you're wondering on these threads why things haven't happened for you...maybe you have too much...

[mrldii]

NONE of the men I've been have cared about my "vulnerability", at least not in the way that it's being used in this thread.

 

ALL successful relationships include an element of mutual vulnerability...that is, a special, not-given-to-just-any-ol'-person opening up of ourselves to the other...to allow them to see those special, hidden places that we don't show/share with anyone else. Our deepest secrets, fears, hopes, and dreams...how/why we are the person we are, knowing we are *safe* to do so, with that other person.

 

As to his ability to physically protect me? I'd hope that if I was out on a shopping spree with my girlfriends and an altercation occurred, they'd have my back. Hell, I live in Stockton and I'd hope that complete strangers would step up and help me out, if I physically needed it. That's not being "relationship material"; that's being "worthy to part of the human race".

[StBreton]

I think what you have to do first is define what you think is DWeRP.

 

 

• a guy who wants to date just one girl (not a player)
  
  
• willing to make a commitment
  
• who doesn't have "isms" alcoholism, narcissism, borderlinism, chauvinism, etc
  
• caring, kind
  
  
• stable job and makes a good income so there's potential to buy a house someday or retire before the age of 80
  
  
• manly
  
  
• has a sex drive
  
  
• 6'+ tall (ok this one is just to rile the masses:laugh:)
  
• pays for dates (more riling ) though I'm a more traditional gal, albeit a generous one
  
  

 

What makes you think one guy has relationship potential over another?

 

See bolded above

 

Potential is in the eye/heart of the beholder, like beauty/handsomeness

[TheArtist]

But none of that has priority over connection right?

 

Oh, there's definitely got to be that spark but since I can't really define it I can't really put it on a list!

[Gaeta]

I love this...I am this

 

Gaeta...you do seem to have it all (smarts, looks, independent etc) and you're wondering on these threads why things haven't happened for you...maybe you have too much...

 

What a coincidence.

 

The man I had a second date with last night gave me a call and he wanted to talk exactly about this subject . He told me he gives his trust from square one. I replied I could not, maybe because I have my walls up and I need a man to prove himself to me before showing vulnerability.

 

At least it's out in the open.

[oldshirt]

 

 

This is another danger when people refuse to "multi-date" and refuse to date someone who is dating others; most single people are dating SOMEone, and may be at the point that they're realizing That Someone may not be The One for them. I would have missed out on some great guys for me if I'd told them upon meeting them, "Oh...you're dating someone/s else? I only exclusively date, from the get-go."

 

It works both ways, though. In addition to the fact that all my LTRs came from men who stopped seeing other women TO be with me exclusively, I'm sure there were many men that I was dating, who stopped seeing me once they found That Girl.

 

In my mind - and in my little world - that's the way it's supposed to work.

 

 

The best advice? Just show up. If he feels it, it won't matter if he IS seeing someone/s else or has never been relationship-minded before...if he feels it, he will.

 

 

I have been preaching this here for years and I'm very excited to see that I am not the lone voice.

 

 

When you come across someone you like, always take the shot, even if they are dating someone else. If they don't want to go out with you they will decline the offer. If they do want to go out with you they will. It's up them to decide how exclusive they are or they are not.

[Woggle]

I can't speak for other guys but I know that when I met my wife I knew my life would be better with her in it and we would have a genuine relationship with two people building a life together instead of some push and pull drama. She is also trustworthy and genuinely wants to see me happy and I want her happy as well. That is what made me take that next step.

[mrldii]

I have been preaching this here for years and I'm very excited to see that I am not the lone voice.

 

 

When you come across someone you like, always take the shot, even if they are dating someone else. If they don't want to go out with you they will decline the offer. If they do want to go out with you they will. It's up them to decide how exclusive they are or they are not.

 

Mind you, when someone tells me they are in an exclusive relationship, engaged, and/or married, I back way-the-hell up and off. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't take self-imposed/self-chosen fidelity seriously.

 

But if he's simply "dating someone/s"...he's "single", as am I. I prefer to meet "single" people, as opposed to "taken" ones.

[oldshirt]

See bolded above

 

Potential is in the eye/heart of the beholder, like beauty/handsomeness

 

 

 

For some reason I can't quote the list you gave me but anyway thanks for listing what you are looking for.

 

 

So in looking at your list, the obvious question that comes up is are you in the league that men who meet your criteria are in? To use a nuts and bolts example, if you were to meet that guy who matches all your criteria and you were to come walking arm in arm into your office's Christmas party, would everyone act like it was just another day and wouldn't raise any eyebrows?

 

 

Or once you walk in would every stop and stare and point and be wondering how you got him?

 

 

If it is the latter, you have some work to do.

 

 

Let's break this down a little more and go point by point on your criteria -

 

 

- Are you monogamous by nature and only date someone you think has serious potential one at a time or do you multi-date and keep your options open until someone who is perfect match broaches the subject of exclusivity first with you?

 

 

- historically in actual practice, how much do you commit yourself and stand true to your word? (in other words, how much of yourself have you actually committed to things, rather than just saying you will commit as concept? How much have you actually done it?)

 

 

- What "ism's" do you have?

 

 

-Again historically, what nuts and bolts, actual acts of kindness and caring have you performed?

 

 

- Are you educated and hold full time, benifited, self-supporting employment?

 

 

- Are you womanly? Do you possess a good number of traits and characteristics that would be commonly considered as 'feminine?'

 

 

- Are you slender, pretty, and have a body fat percentage lower than an average female? are you more attractive than 85% of the other women out there? The reason I threw in the 85 percentile is only about 15% of men in America are over 6' tall. Are you in the top 15 percentile of female attractiveness?

 

 

- If men pay for dates, do you compensate the expense in other ways? and no I am not necessarily talking about sex. I am talking about do you provide other goods and services commensurate with the monetary expenses of dating? Ie cooking him dinners, doing nice things for him etc etc

Edited December 15, 2015 by oldshirt

[oldshirt]

Ooops, I left out sex drive;

 

 

- Do you have a healthy and zestful sex drive? Are you an active and enthusiastic lover? Are you sexually responsive and game (DTF) if all systems are a go?

[oldshirt]

So anyway, go down through that list above and do a painfully honest assessment of yourself. Do YOU meet your criteria for a mate? Would you date yourself?

 

 

Because here is the big catch - we tend to attract what we are. We don't necessarily attract what we want, but aren't ourselves.

 

 

There is such a thing as leagues and we have to at least be in the league we want to play in.

 

 

Where it gets confusing is there are girl leagues and boy leagues. What boys find attractive and desirable are not necessarily what girls find attractive and desirable and vice versa.

 

 

Being pretty and slender and sexy makes women extremely attractive, but pretty, slender boys are not afforded the same luxury.

 

 

Conversely, being a physician makes men very desirable among women, but female physicians have no where near the popularity with men.

 

 

where I am going with this is for point you make on your list of desirable traits for a man, you must have the equal degree of desirability for that trait for a woman.

 

 

That is how you "score" a man that has your list of criteria.

[oldshirt]

and finally, this is just my own humble opinion but I do believe this to be true - men pursue actual relationships with women who are a league up from themselves.

 

 

To put it into numbers if you are a female and you want to have an actual relationship with a man that is at least an 8, you are going to have to be a 9 or 10.

 

 

If you are an 8 yourself, you need to have something strongly in common with him that he values or you risk the FWB zone.

 

 

if you are a 7 or below you are at very high risk of just being a booty call. and if you are 6 and below you are in the ONS at closing time zone.

 

 

Men really aren't afraid of relationships/commitment/marriage and they will enter into real relationships at about any stage of their adult lives, it's really about the quality of the woman in question. If she's 'all that' (at least in his eyes) he will pursue a R with her and will be glad to do it.

 

 

There really are very very very few commitmentphobes or guys who aren't ready to settle down or guys who "don't know" etc etc.

 

 

Unless some guy is a true narcissist or BPD or truly truly damaged somehow, most every normal, decent guy (which make up the vast vast majority of men) will pursue a healthy relationship with a woman that he thinks is all that....and typically that woman will be in a league or two higher than himself.

 

 

Women in his own league need to have some kind of very strong common passion or goal. And women a league or more less will most commonly just be for sex.

 

 

Moral of the story here is the higher the quality of man you want, you have to be a little bit better.

 

 

Women have an even higher degree hypergamy than men typically and that is why it is such a challenge.

[StBreton]

Hey Oldshirt

 

I didn't actually post this thread for myself...but for Hopeful30 and others who lament that there aren't available men with relationship potential out there.

 

So I wondered what men who have relationship potential saw in the girls with whom they decided to have a relationship.

 

Though I'm a year post divorce, I have dated quite a bit. In my demographic, there are a lot of guys ... many who have issues (isms) and but there are some good ones out there...I don't have any issue "catching their eye" so to speak. Do you want me to specifically answer your questions or did you post them for others to think about?

 

I think what you have written/questions asked is very valuable for women to think about:)

Edited December 15, 2015 by StBreton