A-5 Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Hi I'm new, so hi. My girlfriend has just gotten back from college and I have not seen her for like 9 months. She goes to college so far away, and so do I, visits are impossible. In those 9 months she put on some weight. And I was kind of, er, "put off" when I saw her. I know you are thinking I'm really shallow and vain, and that I should love her no matter what. Well I do, always and forever. But I was just taken back by her new look. Should I say something? She never said anything about it.... I just need words from others.... Is this the right forum BTW? Thanks.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Its understandable to be taken aback like that. After all, the image you've kept in your head of her in her absence is the one you have been accustomed to. When you saw her IRL, it was a shock. Its good that you love her, but don't feel bad for having these very normal internal feelings. With love comes attraction, and when something happens and attraction takes a hit - it is normal for love to quiver a bit from the blow. There is no way you can present it to her like this though. She isn't going to see it for what it is: a valid conflict of emotions within yourself - she is only going to see it as a blow to her ego, and an assumption that you don't love her for 'who she is'. Of course you do. Its just the packaging you are taken aback by, but... women don't think that way in general. Telling her she is overweight and your attraction is suffering as a result, is the same thing as saying "I don't love you" in her mind. She may understand on some level, but her hurt will overwhelm that. There are times where spoken honesty isn't going to work: so you have to approach it through actions, not words. Maybe instead of thinking of what to say with her, think of things you can do with her. Putting on weight in college is fairly normal. It is also fairly normal to get active and do fun things together that will help take the weight off: with fun and activity and time spent together doing fun things being the focus, and not weight loss. I don't expect she is any happier about it than you are, so start planning stuff for you two to do that will sneak in some activity and movement together while having some fun. When you are together, adjust your diet so that you are eating better. If you are doing it, it will be easier for her to do it as well.
Author A-5 Posted May 31, 2005 Author Posted May 31, 2005 Wow, thank you very much. That helps a lot.
scarlyjones Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Yeah,...trust me,.........she knows she put on weight .............So its not like you would be doing her any favors by pointing it out. At this very moment she may be thinking how great you are for not saying anything. Dont blow it. Now if she balloons up to a point where you just arent attracted to her anymore, than I think you would owe it to her and yourself to tell her. Being overweight hurts. There isnt any way of addressing it that wont hurt feelings. But since you arent THERE yet,...treat it as no big deal. Im sure if she has always been thin, she is well aware of her gains and will do something about it.
Author A-5 Posted May 31, 2005 Author Posted May 31, 2005 I know she knows that she has put on weight. She prob really wants to get rid of it too. I feel sick to my stomach for saying this, but she is the "one" and I'm the "one" for her, but I almost lost some attraction to her when I saw her. I guess it because I had no idea, and yes, what I saw when she left was a trim girl. Arg, I hate myself right now for saying that. I still love her, but how come I feel I love her less. I know she is the same girl, but now with weight!!!!! I know the girls that will read this want to choke me right now, but I love her so much, I guess I just have to think about this.
scarlyjones Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Thats because you're a self centered, shallow A-hole..........just kiddin' .............Its because you werent around to see it gradually. You may not have really even noticed it, had you been. But you see her leave at a certain weight,..and then the next time you see her, she needs to be baptized at SeaWorld. But seriously,....it was just the intitial shock of it, Im sure.
Author A-5 Posted May 31, 2005 Author Posted May 31, 2005 LOL, thanks. I hope I get used to it... I think.
katiebour Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 This is a toughie. I know how it feels- I gained about 60 pounds from freshman-senior year in college. It's really hard when you're eating dorm food, and exercise isn't a regular part of your routine. My boyfriend at the time lived with me starting sophmore year, so it was gradual and I don't think either of us paid much attention. But by senior year, our sex life was almost non-existent due to a variety of factors. When we went to a wedding one of his relatives suggested to him that I go on diet pills- a suggestion which he (not so) helpfully passed along to me. He bought me a diet cookbook. He implied that he was less attracted to me because of the weight I had gained. These things were very, very hurtful. We ate the same things, and he ate more than I did- but he didn't gain weight and I did. Neither of us exercised much; I made half-hearted efforts to exercise by myself. I felt unattractive, unloved, and my self-esteem plummeted. If you love this girl, DO NOT make any reference to her weight. If she brings it up, you might say that you've noticed, but follow it up with a quick "but I love you for who you are, and you're beautiful to me." "Helpful" suggestions only undermine her self-esteem, since she already KNOWS she's overweight, and probably feels fairly helpless about it. I've lost 30 of those pounds and am working on the other 30. I started buying veggies, chopping them up, putting them in baggies and pulling them out whenever I wanted a snack. I did an Atkins-type diet, mostly where I eliminated sugary foods and substituted Splenda for sugar. I joined a martial arts club that met two times a week. I started watching my portion sizes and stopping when I was full. All of these things can work, but here's the main point: My last boyfriend met me when I was at my heaviest. He told me that I was beautiful, was tender and loving and made me FEEL beautiful. I started wanting to lose weight for ME, not because I was afraid of losing my man. What I ate, he ate- we went carbless together. We went to the martial arts club together. I felt good about it because he cared enough to make my lifestyle changes a part of his life, without making me feel unattractive or inadequate. If you are done with school and will be in the same town with your g/f, suggest you take up a sport together. Whether it be martial arts, ballroom dancing, yoga, weight-training, hiking, whatever. Make it something you do for fun and to be together, with the exercise a fringe benefit. DO NOT imply that you want to start doing this because she needs to lose weight. Make it an interest thing. As for food, if you go to a restaurant, consider splitting a dinner. I read that the healthiest people in the world, who live in the mountains in Turkey, think it's better to leave the table a little hungry than a little full. You might tell your g/f that you think portion sizes are ridiculous and you want to cut down- chances are if you do it she will feel good about doing it too. Above all, be supportive and loving. If she really is "the one" for you, remember that in 60 years you will both be wrinkled old farts and neither of you will be posing for Sports Illustrated. The packaging will change with time, no matter what- it's the contents that count the most. Good luck.
Author A-5 Posted May 31, 2005 Author Posted May 31, 2005 Thanks Katie, I'm def not going to straight up say, you are fat, nor am I going to mention it, I know better. I just got really scared, and I still am. I got scared because if this little problem got me to do all of the worring I'm doing now I had to think. Is it becuase I love her? Or is it because she is my first g/f and she wants to be my last g/f??? Ya know? BTW, we might do some sort of sport and try to cut down on the eating. Maybe lose weight together?
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