ltjg45 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 I'm not really buying into the fact you were never attracted to him in the first place, chances are you were attracted to him...but probably lost attraction to him or things just fizzled the past 2 years. I'm banking on the fact that the honeymoon phase ended for you in this case. Actually, I can. For me, as an example, I could meet a wonderful woman tomorrow but if she happens to be older than me, I would be too turned off for me to pursue anything more than a friendship, possibly FWB. I have met a few of these ladies. Attractive, no tattoos, got their life together.....but when I hear they are 2-3 years older than me, for some unknown reason, my attracted took a sharp dip. Even if I did try, I would be trying to change myself in such a huge way to make the relationship work and I don't think that is fair for both me or the woman in question. I would just chalk it up to not being fully compatible and keep looking. I understand what Hopeful is feeling because I have went through the same myself, letting go of perfectly good woman and wonderful partners due to lack of romantic attraction. 1
central Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 But what if she can't? It's like being gay. You can't help being attracted tothe same sex, no matter how easy it can be dating a same sex person. I relate this to attraction big time. You just cant help who you are attracted to. This is an extreme of course, but it exists. The absence of some physical qualities might mean ZERO sexual attraction for some. I get this. I would much rather be single and looking than settle for anything less than passionate attraction in the sexual realm. On some other things I may be able to compromise, but not this one. And that passionate attraction MUST be reciprocated or it will be an exercise in frustration. 1
lino Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 So this is just another 'I can't meet men over 6ft tall damn it!!' thread? At least you're honest but height has nothing to do with being relationship material or not so I have no idea why you mentioned it in your OP. should've just cut to the chase in the OP and said you want tall men, not relationship minded ones.
Author Hopeful30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 Yeah, isn't that just about always the case, the man being in to the woman moreso than the other way around? lol You have me wondering now. There was this woman I met in a Meetup group, 50 years old, kind of attractive. Was platonic friends with this one guy for a year that she met through her church.j To be honest, he was quite a nice guy, but physically...well, I have to be honest and even I don't mean to sound mean, but he would say that he wasn't physically attractive at all...that's what kind of boggled my mind...I was guessing she thought, "Well, we've been friends for a year...and no one else came along, so I'll start dating him." Then one day, they started to date romantically and later they both got engaged. Earlier this year, like early summer, they called off the engagement. I later saw her on OK Cupid, but I know her in real life. I contacted her and asked about her situation with that her ex-fiance and I asked her that since she's new to online dating, kind of joked about how I might save her from all the weirdos on here and save her the trouble of meeting them and asked if we could meet for dinner or something. She said, "Sorry, I'm not attracted to you." and I asked, "And you were attracted to your fiance?" She said she was attracted to his heart and kindness, but she never did say anything about how she was just tolerating it all in order to see past his looks. But yet, they've called off the engagement? It always made me wonder if her story was like yours. My best guess would be her story is exactly like mine. You see? Not all of us women are as bad as you can make us out to be. We give chances. We try.
central Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Adding to my above post: Of course, even if this passionate attraction exists and is reciprocated, there can be other deal breaker traits and issues, so it may be necessary to walk away even if you don't want to do so. 1
ltjg45 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 I get this. I would much rather be single and looking than settle for anything less than passionate attraction in the sexual realm. On some other things I may be able to compromise, but not this one. And that passionate attraction MUST be reciprocated or it will be an exercise in frustration. Exactly. On a logical level, it doesn't make sense to let go of a wonderful partner for the sake of height, weight (somewhat), skin color, age, or other uncontrollable qualities however it is what helps or hinders in the laws of attraction. After all, attraction is never logical. It is just a matter of finding that one partner that you are easily attracted to who likes you as well and take it from there. It will take time but if you are looking hard enough, you will typically find it. 2
Gaeta Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 No body is suggesting she settles with someone she is not attracted to. We are suggesting she keeps an open mind. Why not go on a date that is 5'11'' he may surprise her and spark something in her. It happened to me more than once. I went on dates with men I felt so so about and after 2-3 dates I was totally infatuated. Giving a guy a chance is different than staying 2 years in a relationship with a man you feel no attraction for. 3
xxoo Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 It wasn't his personality, it was his heart. He was a really good guy, compassionate, very kind, and good to all those around him. It's what I clung to. Plus he was a gentleman in every way. I really appreciated how he treated me and how good he made me feel about myself. Yes, he was attracted to me. Some women struggle to find attraction to relationship appropriate men. What sort of traits are you attracted to, if not these?
Author Hopeful30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 Some women struggle to find attraction to relationship appropriate men. What sort of traits are you attracted to, if not these? Oh I'm definitely attracted to these traits, for sure! It's why I stayed so long. But sex is also very important. It's a type of intimate connection that can't quite be replaced. That's why physical attraction is also important. Nothing specific makes a man physically attractive to me. He can be anyone. It's the chemistry that must be there.
xxoo Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Oh I'm definitely attracted to these traits, for sure! It's why I stayed so long. But sex is also very important. It's a type of intimate connection that can't quite be replaced. That's why physical attraction is also important. Nothing specific makes a man physically attractive to me. He can be anyone. It's the chemistry that must be there. Ok, but what traits create that sexual attraction for you? The traits you mentioned do create sexual attraction for me, which is quite lucky for me 1
Author Hopeful30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 Ok, but what traits create that sexual attraction for you? The traits you mentioned do create sexual attraction for me, which is quite lucky for me That is lucky I'm happy for you! Do you find you have more success with relationships since thats the case? Were you always this way? What creates sexual attraction for me... hmm thats a very good question and to be honest I can't answer it. Even when I look back on my past experiences, nothing particular sticks out. It was just there. Wish I could be more specific
Gaeta Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 That is lucky I'm happy for you! Do you find you have more success with relationships since thats the case? Were you always this way? What creates sexual attraction for me... hmm thats a very good question and to be honest I can't answer it. Even when I look back on my past experiences, nothing particular sticks out. It was just there. Wish I could be more specific So if it's nothing specific that creates attractions, it's just something that is there or not, why then refuse to date men outside your type? Or men under 6'. 1
Author Hopeful30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 So if it's nothing specific that creates attractions, it's just something that is there or not, why then refuse to date men outside your type? Or men under 6'. Huh? I don't have a "type". My 'type', if I must pick one, would be the relationship type, hence my original post. Why is there a height reference?
xxoo Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 That is lucky I'm happy for you! Do you find you have more success with relationships since thats the case? Were you always this way? What creates sexual attraction for me... hmm thats a very good question and to be honest I can't answer it. Even when I look back on my past experiences, nothing particular sticks out. It was just there. Wish I could be more specific I think it has made me more successful with relationships. Since high school age, the biggest trigger of attraction for me is protective behavior. And that has always led me to be repelled by jerks (no matter what their appearance or resources) and attracted to good relationship potential. I mean sexually attracted, like panty-dropping attracted 2
Author Hopeful30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 I think it has made me more successful with relationships. Since high school age, the biggest trigger of attraction for me is protective behavior. And that has always led me to be repelled by jerks (no matter what their appearance or resources) and attracted to good relationship potential. I mean sexually attracted, like panty-dropping attracted That is awesome
central Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 So if it's nothing specific that creates attractions, it's just something that is there or not, why then refuse to date men outside your type? Or men under 6'. I agree with this. When you can't define what makes someone attractive, being open to letting the attraction strike unexpectedly may be a good strategy. Can you KNOW that someone an inch under your height expectations won't cause that passion? Slightly widening these parameters may lead to a pleasant surprise - and you don't have to go on more than one or two dates with anyone to find out. Of course, if you're not lacking for dates, then there is little point, but if your dating pool is drying up, it may be worth a little experimentation.
Author Hopeful30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 I agree with this. When you can't define what makes someone attractive, being open to letting the attraction strike unexpectedly may be a good strategy. Can you KNOW that someone an inch under your height expectations won't cause that passion? Slightly widening these parameters may lead to a pleasant surprise - and you don't have to go on more than one or two dates with anyone to find out. Of course, if you're not lacking for dates, then there is little point, but if your dating pool is drying up, it may be worth a little experimentation. Guys I'm confused. Why are we talking about height?
road Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 There are definitely way more cars than spots, so it pays for women to be on their game at all times, or they are gonna do a whole lot of driving... TFY That, and there are not enough good women to go around either. Glad I got mine.
Gaeta Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Huh? I don't have a "type". My 'type', if I must pick one, would be the relationship type, hence my original post. Why is there a height reference? We all have a type and I remember reading you do have a type of men you feel attracted to. This thread is way too long for me to go back and ID where we addressed having a 'type'.
Author Hopeful30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 We all have a type and I remember reading you do have a type of men you feel attracted to. This thread is way too long for me to go back and ID where we addressed having a 'type'. I think theres confusion. Someone else mentioned height and types. I didn't. In any case, back to the point of this thread, anyone know how to spot a relationship-type guy? Preferably one who is single
Wewon Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Huh? I don't have a "type". My 'type', if I must pick one, would be the relationship type, hence my original post. Why is there a height reference? I think that the height reference is a 'fill in' for attraction that is usually immaterial to the relationship itself. It could be hair color, eye color, etc. For a lot of women it seems that they are willing to hinge a relationship on it, eventhough there very few situations where the difference in 5'5" ad 6'0" will result in some life or death outcome. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Hopeful30 I think the small population where you live may be a factor. Another problem I think you have is that you don't know what you want besides somebody who is relationship-minded. You have to figure it out or you will never find it if you don't know what you are looking for. You mentioned no wandering eyes & brutal honesty. I submit you need to amen those. As long as the only thing that wanders is his eye (as in a brief, passing appreciation of an attractive person in the moment), relax. Trustworthy faithful people know where the lines are drawn but you can't put blinders on somebody. Brutal honesty is bad too. I'd rather DH suggest I change my outfit because it's not flattering then say something brutal like you look like you got stuffed in a sausage casing, lard butt. Tact & kindness are often needed to soften the truth. That said, here's some of what I did when I was looking for DH: 1. I believed he was out there & I would find him! 2. I read this in a book: I wrote him letters. I didn't know who or where he was but I wrote to him periodically about the things I dreamed we'd do together. You write these letters & put them away. I dug them out after DH & I got engaged. I was blown away by how accurate they were. I got what I wanted if you will. I gave them to DH after we got home from our HM. He too was awed be the accuracy, especially when he read the dates. All were written before we met. 3. I treated finding a BF / relationship like a job search in that I made a weekly effort to go out of my routine comfort zone to meet new people. I used a variety of methods. Some you have already employed (charities, holiday parties etc) but I went to singles events, did OLD, told friends I was open to being fixed up. In essence I networked. 4. I looked around in every situation kept my eyes open. I actually met DH at a business card exchange in a bar. 5. I had a cocktail party with some single GFs. We each brought a man we adored but wouldn't date -- a brother, a BFF, one even brought an EX. So at this party every woman there knew that every man there was vouched for by a woman present. 6. I told friends & family that I was open to being fixed up. This is key because you never know who knows somebody who might be perfect for you. One guy posted here in LS that he took this farther: he posted on his FB page asking that huge circle of people if they knew anybody. He got dates. 2
Author Hopeful30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) On the contrary. If i'm not looking for specifics, then I'm wide open, and I will consider more than someone who knows *exactly* what they want. This should be easier. I think the more specific you are, the harder it will be to find a partner. Whereas myself, I just look for good qualities overall, relationship type, and sexual attraction. I mean, you think it would be easy... Edited December 13, 2015 by Hopeful30
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 I think the small population where you live may be a factor. Right, this explains a lot why I keep seeing the same women on OK Cupid, that I've already emailed on more than one occasion...STILL on the site years later. I've exhausted whoever I emailed in my area and now sometimes I go an hour outside of where I live to meet women. It's kind of a shame really, that we could drive minutes to a location to get to know each other. That way, not much time is wasted. We could be in a nuclear fallout shelter and still she wouldn't give it a chance.
StBreton Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Can you help it if you're only attracted to certain qualities though? You can't control what you're attracted or not attracted to. You can't help what you're attracted/not attracted to. You blame the woman herself for being alone, but she's probably so lonely because she doesn't understand why she just can't find a compatible man who is 6 foot +. This is the height post of which others are referencing. I'd just like a guy to be a few inches taller than me so I can wear heels and not tower over him...so 5'9' + is good for me.
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