two girls and a depression

[J-webr]

I' m looking for any kind of advice or support. I don't have the strength to make unpleasant decisions by myself. I apologies for my English, hope you’ll get the point.

 

Anyway, I was left by long term GF a year ago. It killed me, I became depressed, started to see a therapist, taking anti-depressants, very ugly situation. It took many moths to get myself together again…

 

I am so happy it’s over now, but in the last few weeks I’m again on the edge of falling back into deep depression. And again because of a woman, this time a girl named Catharine.

 

I met her like 9 months ago. Very funny, intelligent, good looking, former model… Fall in love instantly. For the first few months I saw her rarely. We did text every day, but she was always busy, have thousands of excuses etc. But then her interest in me grows rapidly and we started seeing each other almost every day. She never showed any interest in me, so I thought she is in a relationship with someone else, although she always said she’s single. We really had a great time together.

 

In September I got tired of being trapped in friend zone with her, so I started a relationship with another girl, Barbara. She said she’s wasn’t looking for anything serious and suggested to be FWB. I agreed. In short time she fall in love with me, while I do not fell the same. We are now couple, but I lost all interest in her; I even have to force myself to have sex. Leaving her would be the right thing to do, but I just don’t want to be single again, because regular sex is a great cure for depression.

 

When I started a relationship with Barbara, Catharine immediately noticed something. She became jealous, said I’m acting weird, the usual. Once I got tired of lying and told her the truth about Barbara and also about my true feeling towards her. She said she also loves me and that she wants to have a serious relationship with me. She also said she has being hurt too often, that man only want to sleep with her and therefore she built some kind of emotional wall against her. I didn’t believe her 100%.

 

We had this conversation on few separate occasions, but then all of a sudden changed her mind, said that I’m in relationship with someone else, that I am being pushy, that she cannot force herself into a relationship with me and since then we never had that kind of serious conversation.

 

We still see each other regularly, but she changed her behavior, she’s rarely picking up the phone, she’s always busy during weekends, she’s going skiing with her “friends” instead with me. I think she’s in relationship with someone else.

 

The right thing to do would be to break up with Barbara, because I don’t have any feeling for her and to start ignoring Catharine, cause she’s not being honest and she doesn’t truly care about me.

But if I do cut contact whit both, I’ll immediately became depressed and I know this is a horrible experience that I don’t want to go through again. It’s unlikely I’ll meet someone else in short time, I don’t wanna be alone for holiday for the second straight year.

 

Please take into account my severe depression. I know I’m being unfair to Barbara, just as Catharine is being unfair to me, but I have to think about my well-being and my emotions first.

[preraph]

I guess the first thing I would say is that you need to still be in therapy. I'm glad sex helps relieve depression for you, but it's not going to get to the root of what's made you get that far down in situations. You need to be telling your therapist about what all triggers it and that sex relieves it some and that will help the therapist get some insight into what's making you tick. By all means, you should stay on meds. If you found something that helps, then stay on it. Or if what helped before during severe depression is too much for now, then talk to the therapist and maybe try a new med to maintain yourself on.

 

I have had a big long depression before and I am usually an extremely decisive person but found it very difficult to make even the most simple decision while depressed. It was just overwhelming and made me feel incompetent at times. And indeed i WAS incompetent to a certain degree.

 

The cure for your depression is working on yourself, though, not finding the right woman. I have to be honest, you won't likely find the right woman until you've worked on yourself and gotten yourself straightened out. Catherine sounds like she was playing a bit of cat and mouse. Very beautiful women may get tired of men only wanting them for sex, but that doesn't necessarily mean they don't enjoy pulling your strings if you withdraw your attention, and that doesn't necessarily mean they really want you; just means they're used to keeping men's attention effortlessly. Regardless of what else went on with her yo-yo'ing about you, once she said she can't force herself into a relationship with you, it was over. I mean, to me that just means "I can't force myself to be attracted to you romantically." I think you were in the friendzone.

 

See the therapist, then one step at a time, do what feels right. I don't see much point in keeping Catherine around since it will only make you continue to want to sleep with her and she's not that into you. But then with Barbara, don't feel pressured to make any steps until you're ready, and use birth control so you don't get trapped. At some point she'll probably want to "have a talk" with you and you should be honest that you like her and enjoy her but don't feel like it's long-term. Meanwhile, if you feel like dating other women, be sure she knows you two are "just dating" and be discreet and date some other women. But I think the ongoing depression problem just needs more of your attention right now.

[J-webr]

Thanks, Preraph, I really appreciate you took your time and answer me. It’s hard to believe you were able to see right through Catharinejust from the few lines I wrote…

 

I am not totally honest with Barbara. Ones I did told her I am not giving her any guarantees for the future, but I also added that I care about her and I wanna be with her, which is a lie. For now I am staying selfish and keeping her.

 

As you wrote, Catrine is only using me, I think she is a person that needs constant attention from men and I’m a great company. She said on several occasions that she had the best time of her life with me. The only question is what is better for me and my depression. Going no contact with her or staying addicted to her. The relationship with her is giving me pure adrenalin and so much fun, but on the other hand I’m being frustrated causes she not into me and because of her occasional ignorance and disrespect.

 

For instance, yesterday she sent two text messages in the morning,I didn’t reply, so few hours later she called. After half an hour, right in the middle of a conversation, she said out of nowhere: “gotta go, friends arepicking me up, bye” And hang up. After that, I haven’t made any contact.

 

There is a slight possibility that eventually she’ll made a decision and start a relationship with me. I think in the lasthalf of year or so, she is sleeping with someone, but their relationship isn’t very serious: she is still living at home, she can afford to turn off her phoneand spend whole day with me, she hasn’t got pregnant and I know she wants to have children. She’s almost 35, so she hasn’t got much time left.

[BetrayedH]

Sounds to me like Catherine is simply unwilling to be your "other woman." Good for her.

 

I think you should break up with Barbara, for multiple good reasons. And then explore your relationship with Catherine.

 

You also need to man up and accept that there will be times in your life when you are without a woman. Stop giving in to your emotions and make rational decisions with your head.

[J-webr]

Hi!

 

 

Not much have changed in the last few months, but yesterday I have come to a decision to go NC with Catherine and I would appreciate any advice.

 

Since new year I'm single, Barbara left me. I waited for a few weeks and told Catherine about that.

In February and in March I have some serious discussion with Catherine about our relationship. Once again she told me she loves me and want to have serious relationship with me.

She also added that she doesn't trust me, that I'll leave her soon, that I remind her of her father, who was successful and handsome and left her mother for a younger women, that she has grown some emotional wall around her etc... Nothing but excuses, I just don't belive her. We know each other for a year and still doesn't trust me? Doens't make any sense.

 

Once she did caught me lying. She heard my conversation with some other girl, with who I went to few dates. A apologized to Catherine. I said that I went to a date with someone, but that doesn't change the fact that I love her, I'm just fed up with being unhappily in love.

 

Otherwise she calls few times every day, we text a lot, hang out every day, except weekends, when she's always busy.

 

I am fed up with being in love with Catherine and nothing happened in a year. It isn't going anywhere. I truly wants to be with her, but as I see it, she only wants to have me around, cause I'm a great company and have a lot of time and money.

 

On Friday I took her out for lunch and then we went swimming. She even "accidentally" touch me few times in a innocent way when we were in a jacuzzi. Then she text me:"i had a great time, thank you" and that's it.

After that I have decided to go NC with no warning. Yesterday she sent two funny text messages, I didn't answer.

 

What else can I do? I am probably not the only man she's dating. She said she's single for a year, I found that hard to belive. She's always busy during weekends. If I call her, she rarly pick up the phone. She's being a bitch and playing with me.

I still have some hope that she'll start a relationship with me. When this hope will disappear, I'll fall back in a major depression.

 

Is going NC a way to achieve something? I need to go on with my life if Catherine doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Being friends is too hard for me, since I love her.

[len51]

OK, I have been on antidepressants since 1971. Your problem is simple to see. You are entering relationships with any woman who shows you some attention. You are taking the easy routes by becoming friends or just FWB. I have seen this for most of my adult life and I am 65. Guys are afraid of rejection so they become friends with women. That is easy. Who doesn't want friends? FWB is not anything new. It existed in my time too. That too is easier to do than find someone who loves you and wants to be your exclusive girlfriend. What is more difficult to do is find a woman who wants an exclusive relationship with a man. Your job is to find those kind of women and not waste time with the other kind. I have enough friends. I do not need female friends. Why waste time getting them because as soon as you are in an exclusive relationship odds are that your girlfriend is not going to be happy with you doing things with your female friends anyway.

 

How do you find women looking for a meaningful relationship? There are several ways. First way is to date them. I can tell within 3 dates if a woman is interested in me more than as a friend or a sex partner. Most men are afraid of rejection so they go along with whatever plan the woman has. They do not go in for the kill or just plain ask what the woman's intentions are. They are afraid of losing women even though they are not the kind of women they are looking for.

 

I have three friends who have been very successful using online matchmaking services. All three found steady girlfriends and even married them. They are still married after 20 years. There you can find others looking for a relationship and even describing what kind of guy they are looking for. You may have to kiss a few frogs first but you will eventually find what you are looking for.

 

I suggest that you do not use social media to find a girlfriend. All you end up with is a person's online persona. They can be terrible to live with or date, but online they say all the right things. Also keep in mind that women who meet guys online are doing so because they cannot do so easily off line. Same applies to men. Women like to flirt and social media is perfect for that. Nothing is more dangerous than a woman who understands the power she has over men and uses it just because she can.

 

As for your depression, I can see that you tend to use it as a crutch because you reminded us all to remember that you are depressed and are therefore asking us to temper our responses accordingly. You want depression? I have it. I got a Dear John letter from my fiancee of 6 years in the middle of a one year combat tour of duty in Vietnam, six months before our wedding date. When I got home I had PTSD. My next girlfriend asked my three friends to gang bang her right in front of me when she got stoned one afternoon. Then I found out she was having sex with one of them for the last two months.

 

Then I met my wife and within 3 weeks of meeting, we were engaged and then married 9 months later. My wife fell ill on the first night of our honeymoon and was bedridden for two years. I had to give up a full college scholarship after trying to work 3 part time jobs to support us, and find time and family members to take care of her. I could not afford to pay the huge medical bills. I had to get a full time job and I did.

 

I used to attack my wife in my sleep thinking she was the Viet Cong enemy I fought against for so long. That forced me into sleeping in a separate room. I have been on tranquilizers, sleeping pills and AD's since 1971. Then my wife discovered that she is bisexual and prefers sex with women so I let her girlfriend live with us for most of our marriage. There is more. We found out that we are both sterile after trying for a child for a few years. Due to several surgeries and sexual preferences, we have not had intercourse for longer than either of us can remember. There is more but despite this, I pushed on, took my meds and sought professional help. I rose to the top of my field and enjoyed all that goes with it.

 

Those that know me think I am an outgoing intelligent person with a great sense of humor. They do not know that I have been suffering from depression since 1971 and am medicated every day. If I start using my depression as an excuse, my wife kicks me in the butt to get over it and do what I need to do. It works but I still have issues. I tend to be a loner since we no longer have our girlfriend in our lives. I loved both my wife and her girlfriend and when she was not with us any longer it was like losing a wife. Still, I have not let it stop me. I upped my medication and am doing pretty good.

 

I also have ADHD which I choose not to treat, so I have some obstacles to overcome every day of my life but I find ways to do so and live my life so that no one even suspects I have these problems, except my wife that is. What you need to do is not waste time on woman who have no desire to build a relationship with you outside of friendship. There is nothing wrong to ask after a few dates. If you lose her you have only saved yourself from wasting time on her anyway.

 

As to the girl who now shows interest in you, watch the show, The Bachelor and see how women behave when they are competing for the love of a compete stranger against other women. Women are very competitive when it comes to winning a guy from other women. It is true that after you get married, more girls are interested in you. Jealousy has long be used as a method to get men or women interested in you that otherwise would not be. Ignore that girl because she will dump you like a hot potato once she has won you over. I repeat, you need to focus on find a woman who like you, is interested in building a relationship. You do not need female friends right now or FWB. You need to focus on finding someone who loves you and wants to be only with you. FWB are only good for those who are not yet ready for what you are ready for.

 

Good luck and try not to let your depression get in your way or became an excuse for doing what you really can do but maybe are reluctant to do, because of fear of rejection. I do understand depression. I have a life that most would kill for. Lots of money, can work from anyplace in the world that has an internet connection and do little work. I am paid for my brain. I have the love of a good woman and no problems except those that I imagine. I have an IQ in the top 99.8% of the population and still I sometimes feel like I know nothing and constantly worry about being fired even though I have never been fired and have gotten every job I ever interviewed for. Heck, I co-authored the reference book in one of the industries I was in and yet, I still think I know little. Some mornings I still do not want to get out of bed. Today it took my wife until noon to get me up and about. Yet, aside from my personal demons, I find ways to get what I want out of life. If I cannot get what I want the conventional way, I find a way to get it some other way, but I always get it.

 

I am much older than you so experience is on my side. I just want to let you know that depression can stop you from doing many things if you let it. You can still have a happy life even if you battle depression every day of your life like I do. First step is to find a woman who wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you. Ignore all others. They are wasting your time and taking you away from finding what you need to find. Don't let the easy to find shiny pebbles distract you from searching for the harder to find, but more valuable titanium. I do wish you happiness and love.

Edited March 27, 2016 by len51

[whichwayisup]

Do the therapy and in the meantime give yourself a break from dating and women. You're bouncing from one to another, not giving yourself enough time in between to heal and grow. You have baggage from one relationship and bringing it into the next one. Not healthy and maybe this is why you're depressed? Wrapping your self worth into someone else and when it doesn't work out, you get so down.

[BetrayedH]

Stop playing games, using tactics, and strategy. Be forthright and honest, and expect any potential partner to do the same.

 

The way that you used Barbara and are currently manipulating Catharine (going NC out of nowhere sounds really juvenile) makes me want to advise women not to date you. Get yourself together.