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How to deal with a break up when you don't know why they left & it's not their fault

SalientPoint

By SalientPoint
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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SalientPoint Established Member

SalientPoint

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Long story short, for a year I was dating/in love with my good friend who is in an open relationship with her very serious long term gf. Though they have a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement about it. It's usually always been fine, though the romantic aspect of our relationship was always a secret from the public (they run a side business together so it was just easier to not have gossip and drama that usually comes with open relationships). We are also legitimately good friends.

 

A week ago friend kind of disappeared. She had her phone off and I couldn't get in contact with her at all. We usually talk every day, several times a day, and she went off the grid for over a day and a half, so obviously I was freaked out, especially cause she'd been sick. Then I get a text message from her saying "sorry, it's not you, I need some alone time." I asked her what was going on and said I was there for her but she kept saying she needed to deal with things on her own and be alone without telling me what was happening, though saying it didn't have anything to do with me. During this time she wasn't speaking with me. I thought that her common law wife had probably broken up with her because they'd been having some problems recently, but again I didn't know, though that's the assumption I was operating on.

 

I accidently ran into her at an event she didn't know I'd be at the other day, and was getting ready to be mad when I saw how depressed she was. She said she still wasn't ready to talk about what was going on, because it wasn't easy to talk about. So we just hung out at the event, and then she had a couple of beers and started saying some things that didn't make sense. Like at first she stressed that whatever was going on didn't have anything to do with me, but post beer she hinted that it did indirectly and questioned our friendship, and then tried to back peddle and stuff, but I think she was just tipsy and trying to push me away.

 

Yesterday I found out that she and her partner did NOT break up. They are still planning on living together and she said that her gf was supporting her and helping her, though: "this is more of my thing to go through" even though she still wouldn't say what it was. I asked what would be the best thing to do for her, to try and be there for her or to leave her alone, and she basically said that it wouldn't matter if I talked to her or not, but said that she still wanted to be friends when I asked her.

 

So now I think something pretty seriously bad must have happened to her. She said that she hadn't been speaking to anyone, not even her family, and she and her mother talk every day religiously. She also said that maybe she would never tell anyone what had happened, so of course my mind is now thinking of the worst possible things like assault or some one attacking her or something. In a year I've never seen her like this and we are very close.

 

Now I think the best thing to do is just leave her alone since she does not want to see me anyway. However, I feel super horrible and selfish for also feeling bad that in a time of extreme trouble she cut me out of her life and the gf will always be there. I guess this situation has made me see that I don't think our current situation would last anyway because I truly love her and she feels the need to cut me out of her life atm without even telling me why, but is ok with the gf. I feel like we were not as close as I thought and that I should just fade away and let her be with her gf. Then I get mad at myself for being so selfish. Is there a way to get out of this cycle?

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salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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I guess this situation has made me see that I don't think our current situation would last anyway because I truly love her and she feels the need to cut me out of her life atm without even telling me why, but is ok with the gf. I feel like we were not as close as I thought and that I should just fade away and let her be with her gf. Then I get mad at myself for being so selfish. Is there a way to get out of this cycle?

 

Selfish? No, naive. She has a live-in gf and you're an extracurricular activity. Did it occur to you that what may be going on is that the girlfriend's girlfriend put her foot down and said it's her or me? Whether or not that's it, what you know is that you are not a priority to her in the way she was/is to you. It was bound to get messy. Not many people can pull off an open relationship. This was a triangle.

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SalientPoint Established Member

SalientPoint

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Selfish? No, naive. She has a live-in gf and you're an extracurricular activity. Did it occur to you that what may be going on is that the girlfriend's girlfriend put her foot down and said it's her or me? Whether or not that's it, what you know is that you are not a priority to her in the way she was/is to you. It was bound to get messy. Not many people can pull off an open relationship. This was a triangle.

 

That thought had definitely crossed my mind at times, but at the end of the day, if her gf had given her an ultimatum, I don't think she would continually risk talking to me or not just flat out telling me she doesn't want contact anymore. But you are right, I'm not a priority, I guess it's reconciling that fact with the fact that if she is going through something horrible maybe it's not the right time to bail nevertheless. But at the end of the day, yeah, that's something I can no long hide, so I am treating it as a break up and I guess will continue to do so.

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SalientPoint Established Member

SalientPoint

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Though I've been dumped/left plenty in my life, it's the first time I wasn't offered any explanation whatsoever, and the first time it was due to someone else's trauma. I don't really know how to handle this. When I was left before it made it easier to stay no contact and get over it when I could at least think, "oh she said she doesn't love you anymore, obviously you have to move on, and she clearly doesn't want you to call." or "she left you for her old male co-worker, obviously she's an awful person, have some self respect and get over it!"

 

but now it's just like, "well she's going through a traumatic event that is causing her lots of pain....move on?"

 

I know I have to, because she never said when or if she would be ready to talk to or see me again, but how do you do all the old breakup tricks in this kind of situation??? To think that she left cause she's hurting too much to talk to me is an awful idea, but still a seperation nevertheless. Also, it's clear that she feels in this situation she can only rely on her gf and not me, so even though I hate to be selfish and make it about me, that's also a lot of rejection added to the situation. What do I do....

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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You can feel bad for her, but I don't think that you have to feel bad because you're being selfish or something because you feel cut out. You are being cut out. Her mother is being cut out. For all you know, the official GF is being cut out.

 

I think you're entitled to feel bad about it. You've just been shown a new aspect of this person that you didn't know existed. This may not have anything to do with relationships at all - it could be medical or news from someone she knows. A dog may have died for all you know. If she told you, you might even think it's trivial. In that respect, it doesn't matter what bothers her so much.

 

What is much more important is this new behavior. THAT is what's important to know. It won't be the last time, and what you've really got to figure out is whether you can live with a disappearing act. If so, then wait it out. If not, then the only thing to do is to disappear yourself.

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SalientPoint Established Member

SalientPoint

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You can feel bad for her, but I don't think that you have to feel bad because you're being selfish or something because you feel cut out. You are being cut out. Her mother is being cut out. For all you know, the official GF is being cut out.

 

I think you're entitled to feel bad about it. You've just been shown a new aspect of this person that you didn't know existed. This may not have anything to do with relationships at all - it could be medical or news from someone she knows. A dog may have died for all you know. If she told you, you might even think it's trivial. In that respect, it doesn't matter what bothers her so much.

 

What is much more important is this new behavior. THAT is what's important to know. It won't be the last time, and what you've really got to figure out is whether you can live with a disappearing act. If so, then wait it out. If not, then the only thing to do is to disappear yourself.

 

 

Thanks for the response! Yes, I am disappearing myself, it's just tougher, though necessary, to stick to when I don't have any reason about why I should. Like, NC is hard enough when they've already dumped you, or told you that they don't like you anymore, but I didn't even get that closure, just thought that they were going through something horrible and then disappeared. So now I just feel horrible and still need to disappear, but with none of my normal comfort reasons.

ls7878 Member

ls7878

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I can feel your pain...I was in a similar situation..the man just cannot tell me if he plans to break up with me and go back to his ex. he kept me in but also distance me...I was so confused..and really hope he can give me a closure..finally it was so painful and I told him either you promise me you leave her or I leave me right here and right now...because it is always a painful story for 3 people and you never know where are we standing...

it is hurt although I decided to end it..it has been a yr but I am still wondering which one he really want to be with...

so finally I told myself..maybe he just a person cannot reject people...if he did not try his best to get you back to his life then if there is love, it is still not enough to keep you in his life very long. Move on!! if he want you, he will find you and at that time you need to think if you want this mystery person in your life because this kind of thing would always happen in the relationship and if you can handle it well each time...

good luck!

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SalientPoint Established Member

SalientPoint

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I'm no less hurt and depressed now, but I guess keeping her blameless is starting to wear off. I'm sorry if something traumatic truly did happen to her, but how can you still just cut someone off after 10 months just like that? It could be total bs and maybe nothing happened and she just doesn't want to talk to me but didn't have the ovaries to admit it.

 

I'm done worrying about her. She has her gf for that. However, I still have to find a way to get over her without any closure. Even if it was just that she chose the gf over me, or thought I was hideous, it would at least help me move on rather than wondering. I guess I can use that to my advantage in wondering if she ever really cared at all.

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