PuzzledByThisWoman Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Women, I really want your thoughts on this please. Here's the info: I like this woman who is closed off to dating anyone. She is 49 now. I am 51. She hasn't had a boyfriend in 25 years, when she had her heart broken by a long-distance relationship. I know for a fact that she hasn't dated in 25 years. She is still attractive, but was just stunning earlier in her life, even for years after her last boyfriend. She says she is much happier being single. She is not a lesbian. She is extremely obese now and she also has a very serious liver problem. I have known her almost my whole life, and have liked her the whole time. I used to find her incredibly sexy when she was young and not heavy, but I still find her sexy. And I have told her that I like her now, and that I have always found her attractive. I've also told her that I would be a great support for her with her disease. Once again, she stresses that she is not open to dating anyone. So my question is: what is the issue with her? Does she not believe that I find her attractive? Is she afraid that if I get close to her I will be disgusted if I see her with less clothing? Is she scared that I will pull away if her liver disease gets worse? Was she hurt so badly 25 years ago that she never wanted to give another guy a chance, even though that means a lifetime of being without a partner and without romance? Has she perhaps had so little physical intimacy with men that she's afraid to let a guy get close because her lack of experience will be exposed and she's afraid the guy won't understand? Please weigh in with your thoughts and best guesses as to what is going on in her head and heart. Do I have any hope of breaking through her walls and showing her that she can still have love? I like her so much and know that I can bring so much joy into her life, and because of that, into my life. Please help me! Thank you very much.
truthtripper Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Perhaps she was abused in her childhood and has a trust issue. Maybe that's why she's extremely obese, to create a boundary between herself and other people as a form of protection. She may simply not be as into you as you are into her. Have you ever asked her why she prefers to keep the distance?
scorpiogirl Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 My mother was in an abusive marriage and then another long term abusive relationship. She was 35 when the latter ended. That was 23 years ago and she's been single all this time. My opinion is that it doesn't matter why this woman doesn't want a relationship. Just respect her wishes and don't try to persuade her to date you. You can't guarantee that she'll never be hurt while with you, and she may be too fragile to be able to go through anything negative again. It will be really unfair and selfish of you to awaken romantic feelings in her when she really didn't want that, only for things to go badly. And of course no relationship is plain sailing. No guarantees. Some people can roll with the punches, others not ( and they wisely don't involve themselves with others). It's her choice to be alone, whether you understand why or not. Respect that and find someone else. 2
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Wow...25 years?! I mean...wow. I think that explains a lot when I try to ask women out and they tell me, "I'm not looking to date right now." They can be like camels and do without much male (romantic) companionship for years. I knew this one woman, age 52, single, never married and no children. She hasn't had a boyfriend or anything intimate with a man in 7 years. She's "hung out" with guys, but never considered herself to have any interest in those men romantically. She doesn't do the FWB thing either.
Gaeta Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Loving someone starts by loving yourself. She has given up on love an on herself that is why she gained all that weight. Even if she tried to love you she wouldn't know how to. After my last break up in 2004 I was so hurt and lost I gained 100lbs. I stayed obese for 5-6 years where I hated myself and hated men. I had given up on life, love and myself. If a man would have met me during that period I would have been just like her. Pushed him away. Then I took control of my life again and lost 125lbs. I went back to being sexy and ONLY then I was able to love myself again and by the same time love men. You're wasting your time, she's a lost cause.
casey.lives Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 just be dependable and reliable and become trusted and she will sooner find herself in your care and love it.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Loving someone starts by loving yourself. She has given up on love an on herself that is why she gained all that weight. Even if she tried to love you she wouldn't know how to. After my last break up in 2004 I was so hurt and lost I gained 100lbs. I stayed obese for 5-6 years where I hated myself and hated men. I had given up on life, love and myself. If a man would have met me during that period I would have been just like her. Pushed him away. Then I took control of my life again and lost 125lbs. I went back to being sexy and ONLY then I was able to love myself again and by the same time love men. You're wasting your time, she's a lost cause. Although I think the first line of this post is bang on including the example Gaeta provided, I do NOT agree with her last line. I do not think anyone is ever a lost cause. Having said that, YOU can't fix whatever she's going through. It's up to her to see it, want it and go after it. All you can do is be there for her and give her the unconditional love and support you've been showing her as a friend. God willing, maybe she'll come around one day and realize that she IS worth loving again. Good luck.
xcupid Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Perhaps she decided after having her heart broken to never be hurt again and has resisted any relationships. Believe her when she says she doesn't want to date. You're wasting your time. Best case scenario will be that you'll be friends only.
GemmaUK Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Women, I really want your thoughts on this please. Here's the info: I like this woman who is closed off to dating anyone. She is 49 now. I am 51. She hasn't had a boyfriend in 25 years, when she had her heart broken by a long-distance relationship. I know for a fact that she hasn't dated in 25 years. She is still attractive, but was just stunning earlier in her life, even for years after her last boyfriend. She says she is much happier being single. She is not a lesbian. She is extremely obese now and she also has a very serious liver problem. I have known her almost my whole life, and have liked her the whole time. I used to find her incredibly sexy when she was young and not heavy, but I still find her sexy. And I have told her that I like her now, and that I have always found her attractive. I've also told her that I would be a great support for her with her disease. Once again, she stresses that she is not open to dating anyone. You don't seem to be paying much attention nor respect to any of these parts. A huge part of good relationships is mutual respect. So my question is: what is the issue with her? Does she not believe that I find her attractive? Is she afraid that if I get close to her I will be disgusted if I see her with less clothing? Is she scared that I will pull away if her liver disease gets worse? Was she hurt so badly 25 years ago that she never wanted to give another guy a chance, even though that means a lifetime of being without a partner and without romance? Has she perhaps had so little physical intimacy with men that she's afraid to let a guy get close because her lack of experience will be exposed and she's afraid the guy won't understand? No. it's none of that. She just doesn't want to date anyone and that includes you. Perhaps if an ideal man for her came along she might change her mind but clearly you are not her ideal man. By all means continue to be her friend if you wish but please don't do it with an ulterior motive and try to manipulate her into dating you. She doesn't want to date anyone, hasn't for 25 years and still now stresses that she doesn't want to date.
Author PuzzledByThisWoman Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 Thank you all for your replies. I'm going to leave this woman alone. I'm sad that she's not going to give me a chance, but I will respect her wishes. I emailed her to tell her if she ever changes her mind, she knows how to contact me.
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