I am stuck in a rut ...anditis so painful!

[Lostgirl50]

Background - was Mrried for 26 years, not divorced for almost 3 years - my decision. Went back to school after being a SAHM for most of my life, graduated and now work full time. At work, I am happy, up beat, energetic and well liked. The minumte I drive away from work I fall apart crying. My personnel life is in shambles. My oldest is a drug addict who lives with my ex. I always took a hard stance with him about the drugs. He no longer speaks to me because I refused to give him money lat time we spoke. My other son lives with me but I am afraid I will lose him due to my depression. I come home from work - crash into bed not long after. My house is clean and he is fed . I know it itis hard on him but I just can't muster up the energy to pretend I am happy. I am in the most pain ever. I am totally alone. I do not want my son to babysit me - he is going to college and has his own life. I am struggling daily and now am at the point of why bother ? I lost my family. After I separated I basically dropped off the face of the world with friends. I was ashamed of failure of my marriage. I don't know what to do now. I was on depressin pills before and do not want to go the route. I didn't feel like me cause I felt nothing. The walking dead is what I felt like. now I am just plain exhausted with life. Itis becoming a daily struggle....

[mixeypixey]

that sounds really really tough. well one thing to obviously be proud of is your son and the fact that hes going to college!! and ur taking good care of him. anyways a suggestion is maybe u shld start up an activity tat will make you feel good about yourself again. going to the gym and or sports is great cuz it actually increases chemicals that figt depression. after that u shld try find another partner.. get that wheel of life going again.. its the only way.

[d0nnivain]

Oh honey. Laughing on the outside & crying inside I know that pain.

 

 

But you can get through it, although probably not by yourself. The end of your marriage does not make you a failure although it's not uncommon for you to feel like you are. You are simply wrong but that's hard to accept too.

 

 

Anyway, with a little help you can & will get through this. Look at all you have accomplished -- school & getting a job. Heck your house is clean which is waaaayy more then I can say about mine in the throws of my depression.

 

 

Do two things for yourself: get into therapy and join a divorce support group. After a while you will feel a ton better.

[preraph]

Sorry you are having such a struggle. I know it's hard having an addict in the family. I'm actually just glad he's not in your home. And you are absolutely doing the right thing NOT giving him money.

 

As for your depression, why are you rejecting ALL medication simply because one had a side effect you didn't like? Most depression medications don't make you feel numb. Some of them actually make you feel joy. Now, there are hundreds of different types and different combinations and one will work great for you. I've never talked to anyone personally who took Prozac as prescribed and didn't love it. But on top of that, you have a lot of stress right now and YOU need to be in therapy to get some help. A psychologist is who can help guide you through this bad period and also make sure they get you on the right meds through a referred psychiatrist (because psychologists can't prescribe but they'll work with the psychiatrist to help decide what to be on).

 

If you get on something and it has a bad side effect, let the doctor know and they'll change it. Please realize that psychological drugs don't all work immediately. The best ones need to build up in your system for a couple of weeks to a couple of months to reach a good level that feels right. Likewise, you can't just go off them without letting your doctor know because that CAN have ugly side effects. Sometimes you have to graduate off them. And never ever take more or less than prescribed because YOU do not know better than the doctor!

 

You need help. Go get it!

[edgygirl]

Wow you seem like such a great woman and I am so sorry you're going through all this. You seem to have accomplished a lot already despite being down.

 

I have a feeling that this is a phase though - you went through a lot and now is the time to start finding a way to reconfigure your life and find the "new you". Coming here for advice shows you want to find a way to live that makes you happy, and that's the first step.

 

Seek therapy (which helps a lot!) and start thinking about ways to connect to the world and people again - through activity/ies you are interested in and can find joy in. I know it's hard when we're down (been there many times), but start slowly. Tell yourself you are going to go out of your way for 1 day, once a month to meet people with same interests through a group, meetup or whatever makes sense in your area. Slowly you will find the new Lostgirl and perhaps you will be Foundgirl

 

[Lostgirl50]

Thank you to all that have replied. All great advice. Yup, I need a new goal being exercise, a hobby that connect me with others...anything. My problem is fear and anxiety. I am very lonely. Yet I am afraid of trusting anyone- whether it be male of female. My ex basically set out to destroy me which I awas shocked by. I had my best friend divulge my secret to another friend. And was gossiped about by a neighbor who made up stuff because she knew nothing about me. My outlook on the human race became jaded. Wheni entered school again I was shocked to see there was good people wanting to help others for no reason except to help them. I have encountered it at work too - yet I am very guarded. I accept the kindness yet wonder if they are looking to get something from me. Or worse will throw me under the bus. My anxiety is high yet controllable till I drive away. I don't cry every day but due to the holidays it has increased. I guess I am afraid of being hurt again by anyone. I am a chicken. I can't be hurt again. Is am afraid I will not be able to come back from it. Being a recluse feels safer yet I am missing out on happiness....

[PinkInTheLimo]

Lostgirl, sorry to read that you are not feeling well. Don't be hard on yourself, you are going through some major changes. The end of a marriage that lasted most of your adult life is tough for everyone. Seeing your kid succomb to drugs idem. You refuse to be an accomplice to his addiction, that's the right thing to do.

 

Big congratulations to have made the transition from SAHM to a fulltime working woman. It takes guts and courage to do that and if you ever doubt yourself, think of that achievement.

 

I think you are struggling with a lot of grief and you need to show a brave face at work so it's only normal that you break down regularly. That's only human. I remember that after a break-up I could just function the 40 hours I needed to function at work. For the rest it was sleeping and crying.

 

I understand that you don't like antidepressants. I don't like them either. I don't think you have a depression; you are mourning. Two different things.

 

Try to take good care of yourself. Eat in a healthy way, do a bit of sport without exaggerating. Even only a walk of 20 minutes every day. From my own experience I can tell you that yoga has helped me a lot. Helps to find your balance, physically and mentally. I thought for years that it was not my thing, I'm not so into new age. But I'm doing it for almost 3 years, I do it as a physical exercise without focusing too much on the spiritual side of it. And yet I feel the effects of it.

 

Hang in there, and come here when you are hurting and need to vent.

[mystikmind2005]

My marriage ended last January.

 

In my search for answers since then i found many things that helped me allot.

 

I want to share with you the two things which helped me the most....

 

 

 

[Lostgirl50]

My marriage ended last January.

 

In my search for answers since then i found many things that helped me allot.

 

I want to share with you the two things which helped me the most....

 

 

 

 

These are AMAZING ! Thank you ....WOW ! I never knew these existed....

[Lostgirl50]

Lostgirl, sorry to read that you are not feeling well. Don't be hard on yourself, you are going through some major changes. The end of a marriage that lasted most of your adult life is tough for everyone. Seeing your kid succomb to drugs idem. You refuse to be an accomplice to his addiction, that's the right thing to do.

 

Big congratulations to have made the transition from SAHM to a fulltime working woman. It takes guts and courage to do that and if you ever doubt yourself, think of that achievement.

 

I think you are struggling with a lot of grief and you need to show a brave face at work so it's only normal that you break down regularly. That's only human. I remember that after a break-up I could just function the 40 hours I needed to function at work. For the rest it was sleeping and crying.

 

I understand that you don't like antidepressants. I don't like them either. I don't think you have a depression; you are mourning. Two different things.

 

Try to take good care of yourself. Eat in a healthy way, do a bit of sport without exaggerating. Even only a walk of 20 minutes every day. From my own experience I can tell you that yoga has helped me a lot. Helps to find your balance, physically and mentally. I thought for years that it was not my thing, I'm not so into new age. But I'm doing it for almost 3 years, I do it as a physical exercise without focusing too much on the spiritual side of it. And yet I feel the effects of it.

 

Hang in there, and come here when you are hurting and need to vent.

 

You are correct -I think I am in mourning....for my loved ones and the life I once had. I am holding on to those memories so much .... I work, I come home exhausted - mind you I wake at 4 am, leave at 7 am and arrive home at 5:45 pm. Sleep , food, and work. I know exercise and eating healthy is what I should be doing...but I tell myself what does it matter? My life is over...happiness is not for me. It is ironic- I can talk to others and inspire them...but not for myself. I cannot see out of the "box" to advise myself.... This board is amazing.....Kuddos to you all! Thank you !

[PinkInTheLimo]

You are correct -I think I am in mourning....for my loved ones and the life I once had. I am holding on to those memories so much .... I work, I come home exhausted - mind you I wake at 4 am, leave at 7 am and arrive home at 5:45 pm. Sleep , food, and work. I know exercise and eating healthy is what I should be doing...but I tell myself what does it matter? My life is over...happiness is not for me. It is ironic- I can talk to others and inspire them...but not for myself. I cannot see out of the "box" to advise myself.... This board is amazing.....Kuddos to you all! Thank you !

 

Believe me, it does matter and a year from now you will realise that.

 

One step at a time. Start by doing a walk of 15 minutes when you come home from work or before you go to bed and eat an apple while doing that.

 

Big changes never happen overnight but little by little. You cannot all of a sudden let go of the life you had. There is a transition period and you are in it now. Like a snake you are shaking off your old skin and the new skin is still very fragile. Take good care of yourself, that should be your number 1 priority.

[Lostgirl50]

I hear you! Start small and build.wheni had my family we used to go for walks all the time. I completely stopped after. Lots of excuses why I don't. I gave up on caring about myself. It is slowly coming back though - getting eyebrows and hair done regularly, makeup done every day, wearing perfume for me. Little changes I haven't done for a long time. But food has become a comfort. Exercise is not something I do. My ex has me convinced that no man would ever want me. For a multitude of reasons. Thus, I have totally given up that I will ever have someone love me again. I will be alone. And man that hurts so very much.....I so needed to type this.....

[PinkInTheLimo]

I hear you! Start small and build.wheni had my family we used to go for walks all the time. I completely stopped after. Lots of excuses why I don't. I gave up on caring about myself. It is slowly coming back though - getting eyebrows and hair done regularly, makeup done every day, wearing perfume for me. Little changes I haven't done for a long time. But food has become a comfort. Exercise is not something I do. My ex has me convinced that no man would ever want me. For a multitude of reasons. Thus, I have totally given up that I will ever have someone love me again. I will be alone. And man that hurts so very much.....I so needed to type this.....

 

I think most people have times in their life where they lack energy and courage to really live in a healthy way. I also have times when I prefer to hang in front of the TV and overdose myself with sweets. And that can actually really be OK once in a while. But it is important to get back in action at some point. Does not have to be anything big: just a walk will do. Or buy a hometrainer so that if you feel like moving a bit you can do it in front of the TV. It is known that physical exercise helps when you feel down. I find that that is true. But I am not an exercise freak at all. I do yoga once a week, I always have to drag myself there but I feel good when afterwards.

 

You should forget about the messages your ex gave you and love yourself. And you love yourself by trying to take good care of yourself. And then you will also not need a partner to feel good about yourself. If he comes on your path it will then be a bonus.

If I were you I would just set a small goal for myself for every week. Like saying: this week I will walk once for half an hour. And the week after you can maybe say: one evening I will not watch TV and listen to music instead.

Just small things.

 

But most importantly: don't be too hard on yourself. As I said earlier, ending a relationship which lasted half of your life is very hard. Hell I never had such a long relationship and I can't even begin to imagine how it must feel for you.