Meli22 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Furthermore..... I think the issue is that I know there is still a lot of goodwill on her end. She is Buddhist and they are huge on karma and I treated her very well so I know I could call whenever and she will listen. The question is and always will be is there anything worth saying??? Probably not..
xuanqi1988 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Furthermore..... I think the issue is that I know there is still a lot of goodwill on her end. She is Buddhist and they are huge on karma and I treated her very well so I know I could call whenever and she will listen. The question is and always will be is there anything worth saying??? Give it sometime until you've healed, and then talk to her. If there are things you really want to tell her, write them down in the form of a letter, but don't send it yet because you aren't ready. The day may never come when you are get to send it, because when you are ready, there may not be a point to any more.
Cora Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) My question is at what point do you view as the end of the relationship when you were never told it was over and they just silently disappear on you? Do I count the ending as the point where he stopped contact with me? Or the point where I asked him what was going on and he said he just needed some time to himself to get through some things and that he would be back in touch when he was ready and then never returned? Or the time when I logged on to Facebook and saw that he has a new woman in his life whom he calls his girlfriend? I realize this may not be important, but it is to me because I feel like I'll never get that confirmation from him that it's really over...never get that closure. I mean realistically I can see it's over by his actions...lack of contact, new girlfriend etc. But my heart can't seem to let it go and I really feel as if it's holding me back from healing and moving forward. If he could have only said to me it's over and I don't love you or whatever, I think it would have been easier for me. I'm the type of person who needs that directness. Dating new people just isn't something I'm interested in at this point for fear of this happening all over again. For me the pain is greater from the ending than the joy that was felt during our time together. Edited December 12, 2015 by Cora
xplosiv Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 If I had to guess, it would have been around 8 or 9 months. I just woke up one day and realized how happy my life had become. I had pursued my new passion in street dance 110% and was now competitive, had a huge group of amazing new friends, and was much more successful after she left. I realized that she was bringing me down, although I admit I was very upset for that long considering she was my best friend for years before we got into a relationship, and she let me down. She immediately ran off to some other guy, who eventually cheated on her (I laughed), she put on weight, and she lost her job and now works in a crappy office calling people up about their credit. Every now and then her mom posts pictures on FB and I see she looks awful. I have no feelings of hate, love, nothing... just complete indifference. I wouldn't ever consider dating her again. I saw her for the first time in a year a week ago... I said hi and briefly chatted to her parents at a formal party. She was sitting a seat away, and she smiled at me which I saw through the corner of my eye. I glanced over for maybe .3 seconds, made eye contact and looked right through her. She barely even registered on my radar. I knew she had probably seen pictures of a pretty model I dated in the mean time, so I just took delight in my successes.
xuanqi1988 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 My question is at what point do you view as the end of the relationship when you were never told it was over and they just silently disappear on you? Do I count the ending as the point where he stopped contact with me? Or the point where I asked him what was going on and he said he just needed some time to himself to get through some things and that he would be back in touch when he was ready and then never returned? Or the time when I logged on to Facebook and saw that he has a new woman in his life whom he calls his girlfriend? I realize this may not be important, but it is to me because I feel like I'll never get that confirmation from him that it's really over...never get that closure. I mean realistically I can see it's over by his actions...lack of contact, new girlfriend etc. But my heart can't seem to let it go and I really feel as if it's holding me back from healing and moving forward. If he could have only said to me it's over and I don't love you or whatever, I think it would have been easier for me. I'm the type of person who needs that directness. Dating new people just isn't something I'm interested in at this point for fear of this happening all over again. For me the pain is greater from the ending than the joy that was felt during our time together. What a jerk/coward!!! Sounds like he just didn't have the guts to break up with you. Was he acting weird before telling you he needed some time to himself? any sign that he might have started seeing the new girl already? Have you tried speaking to him after his disappearance? How long has it been since he stopped contact? If it's been a while and you still hold these unresolved feelings in you I suggest confronting him, if you feel you have been hurt enough that hearing whatever he has to say wouldn't hurt you any further...otherwise just stay put and let time do its magic...
Cora Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 What a jerk/coward!!! Sounds like he just didn't have the guts to break up with you. Was he acting weird before telling you he needed some time to himself? any sign that he might have started seeing the new girl already? Have you tried speaking to him after his disappearance? How long has it been since he stopped contact? If it's been a while and you still hold these unresolved feelings in you I suggest confronting him, if you feel you have been hurt enough that hearing whatever he has to say wouldn't hurt you any further...otherwise just stay put and let time do its magic... He started acting strange a few weeks before he disappeared for good. He would go for longer than normal periods without contact. When I confronted him about it he'd blame it on his health. See he was going through some major health issues while we were together. One doctor thought he might have a brain tumor. Or at least that's what he told me...I sometimes now wonder if he was making some of it up. Anyway, the last night that we saw each other before his disappearance he cooked me dinner and brought it to my house. We had a lovely time and he was more romantic than usual. We fell asleep in each others arms just as we always did except that particular night he left at like 2 in the morning which was very odd. He normally spent the entire night when he came over to my place. When I asked why the rush back home? He said he needed to catch up on laundry. Laundry was never an issue before. Also whenever he would leave my place he would always text me when he made it home and tell me what a great time he had and how he already missed me etc. That last night I got no text from him. Weeks went by with no contact from him. That's when I confronted him and he gave me the whole spiel about him going through his health issues and how he did not want to drag me down with them...didn't think it was fair to me blah blah blah. Told me to do my own thing and he'd be in touch when he was ready. That happened back around the first part of last June. I respected his wishes and gave him his space. Did not contact him at all. But the last straw was when I found out he had a new girlfriend. So against my better judgement I contacted him around the first part of October just telling him how I now knew he no longer wanted to be with me and did not understand why he could not just tell me that. I told him I knew he had moved on and that I prayed he never have someone do to him what he did to me because he hurt like hell. I then wished him well. I got no response from him...not that I expected one. Haven't heard from him since and haven't contacted him since. The thing that gets me is that I asked him multiple time if he had lost interest in me? He would never admit it to me and always said the same thing...how he was dealing with a lot and it had nothing to do with me. So I believed him. I'm sure he just wanted to keep me around in case this new girl didn't work out...so he'd have someone to go back to. Makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I would reach out to him again, but I'd feel too foolish and I don't think it would do any good anyway. I'm sure he would not answer me if I did. For all I know he could have changed his number or blocked me. So I just let it be and pray that time will eventually heal my wounds. What hurts the most is seeing his new girlfriend post things like "I'm so grateful I've finally found a REAL man." and "I have such an amazing boyfriend." What REAL man would do something like this? All I can say is he must treat her a hell of a lot better than he ever treated me.
xuanqi1988 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 He started acting strange a few weeks before he disappeared for good. He would go for longer than normal periods without contact. When I confronted him about it he'd blame it on his health. See he was going through some major health issues while we were together. One doctor thought he might have a brain tumor. Or at least that's what he told me...I sometimes now wonder if he was making some of it up. Anyway, the last night that we saw each other before his disappearance he cooked me dinner and brought it to my house. We had a lovely time and he was more romantic than usual. We fell asleep in each others arms just as we always did except that particular night he left at like 2 in the morning which was very odd. He normally spent the entire night when he came over to my place. When I asked why the rush back home? He said he needed to catch up on laundry. Laundry was never an issue before. Also whenever he would leave my place he would always text me when he made it home and tell me what a great time he had and how he already missed me etc. That last night I got no text from him. Weeks went by with no contact from him. That's when I confronted him and he gave me the whole spiel about him going through his health issues and how he did not want to drag me down with them...didn't think it was fair to me blah blah blah. Told me to do my own thing and he'd be in touch when he was ready. That happened back around the first part of last June. I respected his wishes and gave him his space. Did not contact him at all. But the last straw was when I found out he had a new girlfriend. So against my better judgement I contacted him around the first part of October just telling him how I now knew he no longer wanted to be with me and did not understand why he could not just tell me that. I told him I knew he had moved on and that I prayed he never have someone do to him what he did to me because he hurt like hell. I then wished him well. I got no response from him...not that I expected one. Haven't heard from him since and haven't contacted him since. The thing that gets me is that I asked him multiple time if he had lost interest in me? He would never admit it to me and always said the same thing...how he was dealing with a lot and it had nothing to do with me. So I believed him. I'm sure he just wanted to keep me around in case this new girl didn't work out...so he'd have someone to go back to. Makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I would reach out to him again, but I'd feel too foolish and I don't think it would do any good anyway. I'm sure he would not answer me if I did. For all I know he could have changed his number or blocked me. So I just let it be and pray that time will eventually heal my wounds. What hurts the most is seeing his new girlfriend post things like "I'm so grateful I've finally found a REAL man." and "I have such an amazing boyfriend." What REAL man would do something like this? All I can say is he must treat her a hell of a lot better than he ever treated me. I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I know how tempting it is to find out what really is going on in his life, but the best thing to now is to block him and his new gf, and try not to hear about him at all.
Cora Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I know how tempting it is to find out what really is going on in his life, but the best thing to now is to block him and his new gf, and try not to hear about him at all. You're right. I just wish he had never come into my life. It's been 7 months and I still cry over him. Pathetic right? I wish I had a thicker skin and wasn't so sensitive.
K2z Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 If she's the kind of woman who can turn around and *marry* someone within months, I honestly think you dodged a bullet. She'll make other way-too-soon decisions like this, but this time, someone other than you will be on the receiving end and it will be a rude awakening for them. The reactions I get to my story are usually on a sliding scale between two poles: "Three years is too long to dawdle, you really screwed up;" and "This woman wanted marriage for marriage's sake and the fact she could tie the knot so soon after leaving you proves you're a replaceable cog." Both have elements of truth. Being neck deep in the swamp, I don't have the best analytical mind about it, and yet I flip it over again and again, ceaselessly. Volunteered in a soup kitchen today. The sheer intensity of the manual labor offered a couple of brief respites.
marky00 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 The reactions I get to my story are usually on a sliding scale between two poles: "Three years is too long to dawdle, you really screwed up;" and "This woman wanted marriage for marriage's sake and the fact she could tie the knot so soon after leaving you proves you're a replaceable cog." Both have elements of truth. Being neck deep in the swamp, I don't have the best analytical mind about it, and yet I flip it over again and again, ceaselessly. Volunteered in a soup kitchen today. The sheer intensity of the manual labor offered a couple of brief respites. LOL you write very well. I laughed because my story is very similar to yours (thai woman as well) and I flip between both scenarios as well. I think what it comes down to, is both comments are true ... i.e. both people contributed to the failure. In a post BU discussions with my Ex, she said that she took 70 percent of the blame. Kind of interesting for a dumper to say that. I sincerely believe she was being honest and not trying to make me feel better. Yet here I am still taking 100 percent of the blame. The mind is a wierd thing.
K2z Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Honest to God if I hadn't seen the wedding pictures with my own eyes I'd be contriving ways to fix this. Now, there's no pretext whatsoever to contact her or think about her. And yet think about her is 97% of what I do. I feel like Forrest Gump when he wants to start running and running.... I don't need it to be running, specifically, but I want to sweat, grunt, and RPM this woman out of my spirit. I've always wanted to walk across the UK or trek the Austrian Alps. Something like that.
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