Bo34 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I was curious to know how long did it take for the dumpee's on this board to finally get over their ex and reach a level of absolute indifference? Obviously, I say this with full knowledge that the level of a relationship (BF/GF vs. Engaged vs Married vs Married with Kids) and the length of a relationship have a big impact, too. So if you could state how long it took you to heal and how long your relationship was. I was in a relationship with my ex for a little over a year. Currently, I'm at the 5 month mark post-breakup and I no longer care about my ex, not 1 bit. I remember in the beginning thinking that I would never get to this stage, but I have. It's weird, because I can compare it to almost like getting over a really bad cold (like when you get bronchitis) except of course, in a much longer time scale; You're sick, and you feel like ****, and although you can't measure your progress on a day-to-day level with being sick (For a breakup this might be a week-to-week or month-to-month), you are indeed making progress. Then, one day, you wakeup and realize, hey, I'm no longer sick anymore. Not one bit. That's almost exactly like with me. I reached the 5 month mark, maybe not to the day, but close, and I realized, hey, not only do I not care about her anymore, but I barely find myself even thinking about her. I think that's what time does. No matter how close you were to someone, after some while, you remember the time apart more so than the time with and that takes over. You remember what they did to you, how they made you feel, how they deserted you, more so than any nostalgia. Not only do you lose count on how long it's been with NC, or since you last saw each other, but you also lose your attraction to them. I think for the first few months, I always pinned hope that she would come back. Even though I was healing and doing good things suhc as self-improving and dating, I would always admit to myself that if she were to come back, I would take her back. I no longer think that way. 1
Gmuck Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I can relate to your post. You do start to remember the time apart more than the time together. Gf left me after 3 years me 36 her 28, lived together for 1 year, the last year. What helped me get to where I'm at which is just about to indifference is other girls. I didn't want to go down that route because what I read about rebounds and more heartache. But after 5 months I've really moved on and it's helped having a couple girls texting me and showing interest. Time and other girls showing interest did it. I also did nc but not total 100% nc. But it turned out what I needed to see to help me move on further was her Facebook post with another guy. If she can be happy with someone else, then I too can be happy with someone else. I also think hooking up helped. I know it's not the healthiest way but it helped. The first couple times I felt horrible afterwards. Like I had cheated on my ex that this girl wasn't her, that I didn't have an emotional connection with this random girl. But I also felt impowered knowing she was having sex with someone else and now I was too. I know what I've said goes against what other posters say but to sum up what personally helped me was time, other girls and hooking up.
Cora Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 It's been 7 months for me and I'm still trying to get over him.
geronimo Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I'm about 13 months post bu and had contact with her again 5months ago and I can honestly say I'm pretty indifferent towards the situation now. We dated for 5 years, both first relationship. She jumped into another relationship right away and it killed but doesn't bother me anymore. Actually saw pics of them kissing on insta the other day and I laughed cuz the kid she's dating looks like the joker lmao 1
K2z Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Mine left our shared home in March, broke it in June, and was married to another guy by November. We'd been together three years, with a good amount of that long distance. It's been the most excruciating year of my life. And yet, I love her. I have doubts I'll ever fully get over her.
Liono84 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I can relate to your post. You do start to remember the time apart more than the time together. Gf left me after 3 years me 36 her 28, lived together for 1 year, the last year. What helped me get to where I'm at which is just about to indifference is other girls. I didn't want to go down that route because what I read about rebounds and more heartache. But after 5 months I've really moved on and it's helped having a couple girls texting me and showing interest. Time and other girls showing interest did it. I also did nc but not total 100% nc. But it turned out what I needed to see to help me move on further was her Facebook post with another guy. If she can be happy with someone else, then I too can be happy with someone else. I also think hooking up helped. I know it's not the healthiest way but it helped. The first couple times I felt horrible afterwards. Like I had cheated on my ex that this girl wasn't her, that I didn't have an emotional connection with this random girl. But I also felt impowered knowing she was having sex with someone else and now I was too. I know what I've said goes against what other posters say but to sum up what personally helped me was time, other girls and hooking up. I absolutely agree with this. I think every person must go through their mourning process and that takes time with each person, respectively. Anything you do to defer the initial pain whether it be running away from it via drugs, alcohol, or going through a rebound is self detrimental and only sets you back further at a later juncture. However, once you do get to the stage where you no longer have emotional pain or where it no longer effects your mood, then going out into the dating scene is the best thing. You have to always maintain NC, too at all times and that's a given. I think for me, for the first few months, not only was I depressed from what happened and who I lost, but I also couldn't even get attracted to the opposite sex. You could put a model with a wifey personality in front of me and I still would be hung up on my ex. I also wasn't comfortable accepting the fact that I was now single at all. It pained me. But after about the 4 month or so, I was more and more comfortable with being single. Not that I preferred it, but I accepted it. It also started becoming clear to me that not only was this relationship temporarily over, but it was permanently over. I think that's also one of the hardest hurdles in getting over someone; To accept the finality and kill that false hope. Up until or around that stage, I had always held hope she would contact me and reconcile. The biggest leap in my progress now has been meeting other girls and seeing how there is still a lot of hope. Granted, I haven't found that special person yet, but just going out on dates and getting interest from other girls, has really made me focus more and more on the present with girl X or girl Y. I also agree with the OP. After awhile it just sort of hits you out of nowhere that you haven't even thought about your ex much at all. You have less and less of those bad days, then it becomes less and less of those bad moments of those certain bad days, and then it becomes no more of those bad days or moments both. It's not to say I don't think of my ex at all, but just that it's become an after thought now. Like a fart in the wind. I also think if you're going through a fresh breakup there is no way you will comprehend this. I know I thought i would NEVER be at this stage during summer, but here I am now. It's also very true that when enough time goes by, you remember more about the time apart, then the time with. It's pretty scary and beautiful both at the same time.
xuanqi1988 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I heard that it usually takes half of the time that you date someone to get over them. Wasn't sure if this is true so would like to hear some of your opinions. My relationship was only 7 months, which wasn't long at all, but it was the first time I had been with someone for over 6 months, and first time as a dumpee, so it did hurt a lot. It's been a bit over a month since the break up and I am nowhere near the state of indifference. They say time heals everything, but I didn't feel any better until I started NC. It's also important to not hear anything about him from his friends or family (Not sure if that's considered as part of the NC rule already). I hope that I am getting there, although I still have my good and bad days. I usually have the hardest time in the early mornings when I wake up and try to get back to sleep. Because I am not tired enough to fall asleep right away, my mind starts to wander and it feels as if I fall into a big black hole of emptiness. I am all about physical touch so when I come across guys I'm attracted to I'd want to touch and cuddle them a lot, but not kissing or anything sexual. I realized this is not what most guys want unless they really like you, so I am finding it a bit hard atm. I want to go out on dates but none of the guys I am slightly interested in has asked me out. Shall I ask them out?
xuanqi1988 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I absolutely agree with this. I think every person must go through their mourning process and that takes time with each person, respectively. Anything you do to defer the initial pain whether it be running away from it via drugs, alcohol, or going through a rebound is self detrimental and only sets you back further at a later juncture. However, once you do get to the stage where you no longer have emotional pain or where it no longer effects your mood, then going out into the dating scene is the best thing. You have to always maintain NC, too at all times and that's a given. I think for me, for the first few months, not only was I depressed from what happened and who I lost, but I also couldn't even get attracted to the opposite sex. You could put a model with a wifey personality in front of me and I still would be hung up on my ex. I also wasn't comfortable accepting the fact that I was now single at all. It pained me. But after about the 4 month or so, I was more and more comfortable with being single. Not that I preferred it, but I accepted it. It also started becoming clear to me that not only was this relationship temporarily over, but it was permanently over. I think that's also one of the hardest hurdles in getting over someone; To accept the finality and kill that false hope. Up until or around that stage, I had always held hope she would contact me and reconcile. The biggest leap in my progress now has been meeting other girls and seeing how there is still a lot of hope. Granted, I haven't found that special person yet, but just going out on dates and getting interest from other girls, has really made me focus more and more on the present with girl X or girl Y. I also agree with the OP. After awhile it just sort of hits you out of nowhere that you haven't even thought about your ex much at all. You have less and less of those bad days, then it becomes less and less of those bad moments of those certain bad days, and then it becomes no more of those bad days or moments both. It's not to say I don't think of my ex at all, but just that it's become an after thought now. Like a fart in the wind. I also think if you're going through a fresh breakup there is no way you will comprehend this. I know I thought i would NEVER be at this stage during summer, but here I am now. It's also very true that when enough time goes by, you remember more about the time apart, then the time with. It's pretty scary and beautiful both at the same time. I totally get what you mean. When a cute guy shows interest in me all I want is cuddles or for them to be there for me. I have so sexual desire for anyone else or like anyone enough to be with anyone at all (I'm a hopeless romantic by nature) It's like part of me has died with the break up. So I don't think rebounding would work for me. I don't like the idea of rebounding also because I was the rebound in my relationship. Examining his behavior, I can also relate to what you said. I am a lot hotter than his ex (as most people would think so), and I'd like to think I have a personality too (Not saying she doesn't), but he couldn't see any of these. He would compare me with the ex and realize I was better in many ways, but still wanted her more than anything. I get it that the heart wants what it wants, but it made me feel really belittled and inferior. I can't wait to get to the indifference mindset. really like your fart in the wind metaphor btw. Put a smile on my face :)
xuanqi1988 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 On another note, have people ever wondered whether we are not over the ex, or the hurt/shock? I find it hard to accept the fact that you are dumped, so for the most part the pain is from the shock that someone we loved would hurt us like this, rather than the fact that you will no longer be spending the rest of your life together. Our brain tells us that we don't want to be with someone who hurt us like this, but our heart is still aching from the shock. They say if you keep thinking about someone even with negative thoughts, it may confuse you to think that you still want them, but the truth is we hate them because of what they did to us, not because we want them back.
Drops-of-Jupiter Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I'm currently at 3 weeks post break up and I would say I'm edging closer to indifference towards her every day! She initially broke up with me for some very tenuous reasons that didn't make any sense considering we had been together 3 years. The first week I was absolutely heartbroken, convinced the relationship ending was all my fault and that I'd thrown away the best thing to ever happen to me. But the more I thought about it, I realised it couldn't just have been me. I met up with her last week and demanded real answers and sure enough she admitted she'd met somebody at work who she had feelings for. She never actually cheated on me but she started seeing him 3 days after we broke up. When I first heard that it sent me straight back to stage one. I felt betrayed, upset, angry and frustrated. But you know what? The day after I felt so much better! It was like a massive weight off my shoulders. If she had feelings for somebody else then she clearly wasn't the one for me and if she's moved on then why shouldn't I? I've been using all my built up anger for productivity lately - been hitting the gym harder and harder everyday, working at uni harder than ever and getting myself out there just socialising again. Just remember that everyday you're upset and close yourself away is a day of your life wasted. Life is too short to waste! Be kind to yourself and get back out there. You'll know when the right person comes along. Head up people!
marky00 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I heard that it usually takes half of the time that you date someone to get over them. Wasn't sure if this is true so would like to hear some of your opinions. Most of the research out there says its 2 months per year of the relationship, assuming no breaking NC etc. So i was in a 10 yr LDR, so that means 20 months .... i'm almost half way there ... add another 6 months for breaking NC. So i should be good in about 18 months to 2 years from now
marky00 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 They say if you keep thinking about someone even with negative thoughts, it may confuse you to think that you still want them, but the truth is we hate them because of what they did to us, not because we want them back. Who knows, you may be right. If my Ex ever comes crawling back.... and I actually get to see her, I'll let you know if u were right.
Meli22 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 One guy I dated for 3 years, I think it took around 1 year to feel indifferent. I can't quite remember. My recent ex it's been around 8 or 9 months. I don't love him anymore. I don't know if I feel indifferent yet, but in definitely happy now and ready for another relationship if and when the right person comes along. I was ready to start going on dates around 2/3 months after we broke up. It's cliche but time does heal all wounds. 1
Meli22 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 On another note, have people ever wondered whether we are not over the ex, or the hurt/shock? I find it hard to accept the fact that you are dumped, so for the most part the pain is from the shock that someone we loved would hurt us like this, rather than the fact that you will no longer be spending the rest of your life together. Our brain tells us that we don't want to be with someone who hurt us like this, but our heart is still aching from the shock. They say if you keep thinking about someone even with negative thoughts, it may confuse you to think that you still want them, but the truth is we hate them because of what they did to us, not because we want them back. Yes.. I used to confuse the pain of my crushed ego with wanting him back. i used to think I wanted him back but then realised it was my self esteem talking, and I kept wondering "why did his feelings change for me?!" Rather than "when will he come back?!" Now.. I rarely question any of it.
K2z Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I feel every kind of crushed. Ego crushed, self esteem crushed, desire to interact with opposite sex crushed. She turned around and MARRIED a guy in a few months. It's just bizarre. I don't feel ready to DATE, and there she is in wedding pictures. It's the bizarro world betrayal that has me slackjawed. I'm doing a bunch of volunteering; and a bunch of drinking. I take nightly meds and talk to a counselor every two weeks. I function. but I remain in Hell.
Deleted User Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Been with my ex for 12yrs (July 22nd, 2003 - August 12th, 2015). Today (exactly today) is the 4th month since BU. I am nowhere near healed/over her/whatever-you-call-it. I still have daily dreams and thoughts about her, however mean she may have been when she left. The blow I was dealt killed me from inside. I'm hoping for the best, still hanging to life for what it's worth, but I honestly am coming to terms with the fact that I may have to spend the rest of my life single. The fact that I'm unatttractive kind of helped me nail down that choice anyway. Been total NC since Nov 2nd. She updated me via SMS about the health of a cat we used to share (which is hers now), but I did not reply.
Deleted User Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I feel every kind of crushed. Ego crushed, self esteem crushed, desire to interact with opposite sex crushed. She turned around and MARRIED a guy in a few months. It's just bizarre. I don't feel ready to DATE, and there she is in wedding pictures. It's the bizarro world betrayal that has me slackjawed. I'm doing a bunch of volunteering; and a bunch of drinking. I take nightly meds and talk to a counselor every two weeks. I function. but I remain in Hell. You won't like this (hell, I don't like this either and I'm not involved) but.... If she's the kind of woman who can turn around and *marry* someone within months, I honestly think you dodged a bullet. She'll make other way-too-soon decisions like this, but this time, someone other than you will be on the receiving end and it will be a rude awakening for them. That's what I like to believe anyway. It's also what I'm hoping happens to whatever dude ends up dating my ex, that he wakes up some day and gets shat on like I was. 1
casey.lives Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 For me, it depends on the break up; the nastier, the easier. 1
Meli22 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Been with my ex for 12yrs (July 22nd, 2003 - August 12th, 2015). Today (exactly today) is the 4th month since BU. I am nowhere near healed/over her/whatever-you-call-it. I still have daily dreams and thoughts about her, however mean she may have been when she left. The blow I was dealt killed me from inside. I'm hoping for the best, still hanging to life for what it's worth, but I honestly am coming to terms with the fact that I may have to spend the rest of my life single. The fact that I'm unatttractive kind of helped me nail down that choice anyway. Been total NC since Nov 2nd. She updated me via SMS about the health of a cat we used to share (which is hers now), but I did not reply. Unattractive according to who? You really will be single forever with that attitude. How about starting a fresh with a little self belief you held a girl down for that long, you can certainly hold another down! 1
marky00 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I wish it was my ego but somehow I don't think it is. I want her back more times than not. 9 mths post BU and I still dream about calling her up and asking to go on a holiday with me somewhere (something we did a lot of). Why do I actually think there is a 10 percent chance she will say yes. This is so bizarre. I'm about 2 months total NC and the longer it goes, I actually find myself feeling a touch better but that just opens me to my fantasizing that the book isn't 100% closed and another chapter is yet to be written. I think I will go another 2 to 3 months NC and if Im still fantasizing after that, I will reach-out for a final time in such a way that forces her to takes the gloves off. Then I can stop fantasizing.
Meli22 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I wish it was my ego but somehow I don't think it is. I want her back more times than not. 9 mths post BU and I still dream about calling her up and asking to go on a holiday with me somewhere (something we did a lot of). Why do I actually think there is a 10 percent chance she will say yes. This is so bizarre. I'm about 2 months total NC and the longer it goes, I actually find myself feeling a touch better but that just opens me to my fantasizing that the book isn't 100% closed and another chapter is yet to be written. I think I will go another 2 to 3 months NC and if Im still fantasizing after that, I will reach-out for a final time in such a way that forces her to takes the gloves off. Then I can stop fantasizing. If you do that you won't be healing. You'll be subconsciously counting down the days to when you can reach out after those 2-3 months. The only way to truly heal is to have the mindset that you'll never speak again. Otherwise, it's false hope. 1
marky00 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Yeh true. What I meant was to stay on the path I am ..... but .... be willing to look at my progress in 3 months from now and if I feel I have hardy improved ... then i'll be prepared to try other things.
Captivating Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) K2z, no you won't remain in hell !! You will get better soon, this is the withdrawal and the "rejection" what you're experiencing. No, the new guy is not any better than you ! This is the thought that kills us, right? Like I told you before....she rushed into something which most likely won't work out. She didn't know that person. There was a reason why you didn't propose, right? If she was able to turn her back and rush into something that's on her. I adviced this to someone before: Get on a credible dating site, ask women out for a coffee date, you can cut these dates short, won't cost much. Start talking with women, keep an open mind, have light conversations with them, NO EX TALK !!!....and one day....after 40 coffee dates....someone will catch your attention or even takes your breath away !!! Edited December 12, 2015 by Captivating 2
marky00 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Furthermore..... I think the issue is that I know there is still a lot of goodwill on her end. She is Buddhist and they are huge on karma and I treated her very well so I know I could call whenever and she will listen. The question is and always will be is there anything worth saying??? 1
xuanqi1988 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 For me, it depends on the break up; the nastier, the easier. Interesting point. I actually find the opposite for me, that bad break ups linger for longer. Maybe I am a sucker of pain and abuse?
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