Do some men really not know how to love?

[PurpleGoGoBoots]

My boyfriend and I had been dating for 5 years. In the beginning, he was open to marriage and children and I thought that is what we were working towards. We got along great and had the same interests and goals, etc. (or so I thought). In 5 years of dating he never once told me that he was in love with me. He said that he loved me but I took it as loving me like a sister or a friend. I tried to be patient with him as he had a rough childhood. He often times told me that he did not know if he knew how to love.

 

The first 2 years of our relationship we were exclusive. Then, he decided that he wanted to be free to date other people. He never really did, he said that he just wanted the option to. We went from spending almost everyday together the first couple of years to 4 days a week and then towards the end we would only spend 1 day a week together during the work week and Saturday and Sunday even though we lived only 10 miles away from each other. I tried to just go with the flow and I hoped that he would eventually wake up and snap out of being a "committment-phobe". About 3 years into the relationship he decided that he didn't know if he could ever get married because he was not sure if he was capable of loving someone and he also said that he didn't know if he ever wanted to have kids (he said that he did in the beginning of our relationship). Of course, this bothered me because I loved him and was hoping that we were moving towards marriage and there is no doubt in my mind that I want children one day.

 

Two weeks ago, I told him that I thought that we needed some space so that he could figure out what it is that he wants. I am 27 and he is 38 and I don't want life to pass us by. I am not asking for marriage or children right away, I would just like to know that he loves me and that he sees a future with me. Since we parted 2 weeks ago, we have talked a lot on the phone but decided that it would be best not to see each other for a few months and/or until he makes up his mind what it is that he wants. During one of our phone conversations, he said that what he is doing to me isn't fair ... he said that he will not get back together with me unless he can give me all that I deserve ... he said that it will either be all ... meaning marriage and children ... or nothing.

 

In a way, I regret ever suggesting that we take time apart because I love him and miss him so much. There is no doubt in my mind that I want to be with him forever and I pray everyday that he will realize what I mean to him and that he is in love with me. My question is ... do some men really not know how to love? If so, what can I do to help him get past this? Do you think that our relationship stands a chance? I look forward to your response and any advice that you might have.

 

Thank you,

PurpleGoGoBoots

[Starnette83]

hey there, I can somewhat see how you must be feeling, you spent a long time with this guy and you both seem like at good ages...but to be honest i think u expect the worse instead of the best, because usually when u expect the best of things the opposite happens, hes messing up by being unsure, and u shouldnt waste your time because u r 27 and u still have a limited time to meet someone worthy enough that wont have a doubt about being without u. I know its tough, becuase u love him and u expect him to feel the same way but the truth is that i dont think he does, or mayube just not now, either way why waste more precious time??? HOW MUCH LONGER? i dont think so, think about yourself, imagine waiting forever and he never marries u and ure 40? then u will regret it big time!! ive been with my bf for the same amount of time, almost 5 years in december but he also is commitment phobic, ive wanted to take a break with him but in a way im scared because inside i maybe know that it will just make it the END!....men are weird, and honestly when someone loves someone they dont have a doubt about them, the way u dont have a doubt about being with him forever, why force someone to love you, to miss u, to wanna be with u forever, int he end will u be really happy knowing that ure just with them because u somewhat forced it that way? dont u want to be with someone who makes u feel wanted without u asking for it..TRUST ME i know its tough, im barely 21 and i consider it tough and like ill never find someone who im so compatible with , but im fooling myself, we dont just meet one great match, their are many worthy guys out there, it just takes time to meet them, and also when u least expect it, i say from now on just cut contact with him, cuz talking to him is hurting you not him, maybe without him hearing u, seeing u, then he might REACT!!! but if ure still giving him contact hes not missing out on much cuz he knows ure still there, sometimes u just gotta suck it in, have a backbone and show u dont care. Goodluck and pray to God!!! ask for strength

[LucreziaBorgia]

The things that make him 'unable to love' aren't going to be able to be magically fixed by you showering him with love. I expect the space he has put between you two reflects his guilt at not being able to love you the way you want despite your best efforts. People have this idea that 'love conquers all' but unless the person in question is able to face and work on his own problems, nothing externally will fix those problems - much less love.

 

Hopefully during his time off, he will take some time to think about what it is he wants out of life, and if he can make the necessary adjustments to his psyche to be able to return the love you are offering him. Or... he is just using this time as an avoidance technique to not have to deal with the situation and he is hoping you'll just drift off. For some people with problems like that - it is far easier to just walk away, than to destroy and rebuild the emotional self for the sake of someone else. He will only be ready to love, when he takes the time and makes the effort to unravel himself deep down in order to make the changes necessary to be able to.

 

In the meantime, you have a choice: wait for him: and hope that he is making extraordinary changes for your benefit, or move on with your life in other ways - meet new people, fill your time with different activities, spend time with your friends and family, pretty much anything to occupy the time he has left you with.

[shopgrl]

Purple-

 

My situation is very, very similar to yours. My ex or whatever he is sounds exactly like your bf. I don't want to bore everyone on this thread with my long drawn out story so PM me if you want to talk.