Jump to content

Pressuring...

Gloria25

By Gloria25
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted

Do you think pressuring a guy who you think is attracted and/or interested in you to talk to you is only gonna scare him away?

 

I am not one to pressure anyone. I don't believe in ultimatums. I don't want someone doing something for me if I had to twist their arm into it.

 

But, in this case I just want a sit down, where we as adults just lay out how we feel about each other and what we want.

 

Dude is painfully shy around me I guess. Of the few times we've exchanged words, it's short and it's like he has a delayed response and/or doesn't hear me.

 

I too am nervous, but I push hard to get past that and actually muster some courage to spit out a sentence or two.

 

My thing is, my patience wears thin. One year of push and pukl. I get fed up and he does "something" that catches my attention and we're back to endless "gestures" that go nowhere.

 

What's the point of all this for nothing? Flattery? Ego?

 

Sidebar aside, and back to my original question - which is, 'If 8 put pressure on him to call this meeting to order is it gonna scare him away even more?'

 

PS, now that I typed this out, maybe scaring him away by pressuring him might be a good thing... that way I finally don't have to worry about him trying to pull me back into the game when I back off again; ) Yippee!!!!

FortySomethingGuy Established Member

FortySomethingGuy

Posted
Posted

Well, if he tells you that he is not interested, can you deal with that? It will be awkward for both of you.

 

When I was single and in this situation, I would introduce jealousy into the equation. I would flirt with another girl or mention that some other girl was flirting with me. My target would then respond with: (1) anger and jealousy, (2) neutrality or (3) encourage me to date the other girl.

 

Obviously (2) & (3) tell me that she has no romantic interest at all. But, if my target responded with anger and jealousy, that is an obvious admission of interest, and, I would say something like: "Well, if you had expressed your interest more clearly, I wouldn't be flirting with her. You know I'd rather be with you than anyone else!"

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

I could be wrong but in my experience shy guys do not do the push/pull thing and hot/cold game. This guy sounds more like a player and into mind games. He may be a nice guy but after one year of this and you two are at a stand still? Time to shi.t or get off the pot. Have that conversation, tell him what you want/need and ask him the same of you and go from there.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Well, if he tells you that he is not interested, can you deal with that? It will be awkward for both of you.

 

When I was single and in this situation, I would introduce jealousy into the equation. I would flirt with another girl or mention that some other girl was flirting with me. My target would then respond with: (1) anger and jealousy, (2) neutrality or (3) encourage me to date the other girl.

 

Obviously (2) & (3) tell me that she has no romantic interest at all. But, if my target responded with anger and jealousy, that is an obvious admission of interest, and, I would say something like: "Well, if you had expressed your interest more clearly, I wouldn't be flirting with her. You know I'd rather be with you than anyone else!"

 

If he told me he wasn't interested, yes it would hurt but at least I wouldn't be guessing anymore...and, from that point on, I will ignore any gestures cuz he made clear why he does it (ie flattery, he likes the attention he gets from me).

 

I don't play games. I'm not gonna pretend that I'm into someone to see how he reacts...but yes, I did sort of "test" him like twice by putting my car in my garage to make him think I didn't come home that nite and yep, he was sleepless. I caught him just staring at my place and once decided to come outside and lol...he saw me and ran inside!!!

 

This dude is hard to crack. Even "if" I pulled a jealousy stunt, he'd probably sneak peeks, but wouldn't let me catch him doing stuff. So, a jealousy stunt would be hard to gauge if he would react.

 

I tried to confront him not long ago and he pretended not to be at his place. Maybe he was too chicken to tell me he's not interested? But after that attempt to confront him, I've pulled away but he's done a few more "gestures" to include another "crossing paths" attempt (where he'll pass by me intentionally when I'm out/about)...then be like "Hi" as if he doesn't recall totally flaking/ghosting on me the other day.

 

I don't know why he does this and what he wants. If after the flake/ghosting, last thing I'd be doing is greeting that person if I ran into them...I'd either ignore them, pretend I was doing something else, etc. Actually, I did that recently. I saw him coming (I don't think he was doing it intentionally this time) and I turned around and pretended to be busy and not even see him.

Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

Posted
Posted
Of the few times we've exchanged words, it's short and it's like he has a delayed response and/or doesn't hear me.

 

For ONE YEAR you've been obsessed with this guy (your neighbor, right? The one who is engaged or maybe married by now?) and you've exchanged a few words.

 

I tried to confront him not long ago and he pretended not to be at his place. Maybe he was too chicken to tell me he's not interested?

 

Gloria - this is a guy you don't know. Going over to his place to confront him ... it's SCARY! That's why he didn't answer the door, because it was weird behavior of yours.

 

I'm sorry - I don't think he's "sneaking peeks" or intentionally trying to cross your path. He is your neighbor.

 

He is not doing a "push pull." He is a stranger that you've talked to a few times, who probably knows you are obsessed with him.

 

Sorry to be so blunt. To answer your question, NO. Don't go any further with this and try to convince yourself that you have a fantasy that has taken over part of your reality and it needs to stop for YOUR OWN GOOD!!! :(

  • Like 7
loveflower Established Member

loveflower

Posted
Posted

He is interested, but not that interested. and you want someone who is really interested.

 

- straight from the book 'he is just not that into you'.

  • Author
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Gloria - this is a guy you don't know. Going over to his place to confront him ... it's SCARY! That's why he didn't answer the door, because it was weird behavior of yours:(

 

Ok, if I am so freakin scary, why the other day did I get a "Hi" as if I never tried to speak with him that day? If you're scared of someone and/or find their behavior "weird", you don't acknowledge them and you actually ignore them, look the other way, etc if you run into them...that's what I do when some guy is trying to talk to me and I want him to bug off.

 

And if we wanna talk about "weird" behavior, remember from day one, I caught "him" starring at my house at freakin' midnight - twice...and, at first he denied it, then tried to come up with some stupid excuse as to why he was there...

 

So, I'm not the one obsessing, acting weird and stuff...he's playing a part to. I just want a freaking explanation. If he is weirded out, not interested, just enjoys the flattery/attention then SAY SO!!! That's all I want!!!

Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

Posted
Posted

He probably said "hi" because it is more awkward to pretend you don't see somebody or to ignore them.

 

This is a person you've exchanged A FEW WORDS with over the course of a whole year. He is in a relationship with someone. You don't even know each other. Your need for an "explanation" is not rational, he's not a person in your life.

 

You are so obsessed about him that you may be imagining the attention you think he's been paying to you. Regardless, he is not in your life in ANY way.

 

You said a long time ago that you WANTED to be slapped out of it when you started this up again ... so I'm trying to help you out here!! :bunny::bunny:

  • Like 6
Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted
Ok, if I am so freakin scary, why the other day did I get a "Hi" as if I never tried to speak with him that day? If you're scared of someone and/or find their behavior "weird", you don't acknowledge them and you actually ignore them, look the other way, etc if you run into them...that's what I do when some guy is trying to talk to me and I want him to bug off.

 

And if we wanna talk about "weird" behavior, remember from day one, I caught "him" starring at my house at freakin' midnight - twice...and, at first he denied it, then tried to come up with some stupid excuse as to why he was there...

 

So, I'm not the one obsessing, acting weird and stuff...he's playing a part to. I just want a freaking explanation. If he is weirded out, not interested, just enjoys the flattery/attention then SAY SO!!! That's all I want!!!

 

I believe you. Totally.

 

Guys like this though, you don't get enough in return. Too much of a fight.

 

It's only good when you're getting love in return.

  • Like 2
Qboro90 Established Member

Qboro90

Posted
Posted

What's the nature of the interaction you've had with him? Have you had conversations? Does he know your name? Do you know his? Do you know if he's even single?

 

Saying "hi" to you because you crossed paths doesn't mean anything whatsoever, sorry to be blunt. I say hi to strangers that I walk past if I happen to make contact with them. It's just a polite thing to do.

 

If you've never hung out with him then how do you know he's shy? Maybe you decided that he was shy in order to fit your hopes for what "could be" possible with him instead of what really is the case.

 

You caught him looking out his window at midnight? This is strange on both your parts. First, you don't know that he was looking for or at you and wasn't just observing the block and was caught off guard when you came into view so he left. I look out my front window all the time, at all hours. If my neighbor saw me I'd be like "oh ****... definitely looked like I was creeping on her house" and then leave.

 

If you're so torn on this guy then why don't you once and for all find out. Next time he's outside or next time you see him... Simply walk over or wave then approach him and say "you know, we've lived next to each other for ____ years and I've never even introduced myself or got your name. Hi.. I'm ___" with a friendly tone. That's completely normal.

 

Playing secret games having never interacted more than a few seconds, creates a false reality in your own head.

  • Like 2
Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted

I have to have RR's back on this Gloria. She's 100% correct. He is a married man with a child. He is your neighbor. You have never said anything to indicate that he has shown any affection toward you in a tangible or realistic way.

I think you are a wonderful woman and maybe now you think I'm an a**. I won't lie to you Gloria. Regarding this guy, you do sound delusional. You give great advice on ls and I enjoy reading your posts.....but I will not lie to you.

  • Like 3
TheArtist Established Member

TheArtist

Posted
Posted
I'm not gonna pretend that I'm into someone to see how he reacts...but yes, I did sort of "test" him like twice by putting my car in my garage to make him think I didn't come home that nite and yep, he was sleepless. I caught him just staring at my place and once decided to come outside and lol...he saw me and ran inside!!!

 

It could well have been something as innocent as, 'What the hell is that woman doing with that garage?!'

 

I would love people to just say what they feel too, but as you've seen on my own problem posts, people just don't do that.

 

Personally I think he's curious as to what you're up to, and maybe has a very faint suspicion that you might be interested, but probably no more than that. I don't think he'd act on it either, especially as he hasn't really taken it further himself and has a family.

 

Thank you for all your help on here, you're a really valuable member and I wish I could give you more advice.

readynow Established Member

readynow

Posted
Posted

Shy guys may not approach but they jump straight to the bait when you throw it. If he wanted to be with you, Instead of running in, he would stay, say hi, mumble over his words, appear everywhere you are hoping you'll start a conversation, etc. This guy may be shy but he is not into you. He probably thinks you're obsessed with him. Someone saying 'hi' means nothing at all. I say hi and chat about the weather to my neighbours in the car park. It doesn't mean I want to date them.

 

Could you decide now to end your 'relationship' with this guy and stop looking for signs that don't exist? You want someone who wants you not this.

 

Definitely don't sit him down to talk to him. You can't chase him away, he's not near you. Except you want him to move out and find another place to live.

readynow Established Member

readynow

Posted
Posted
He is a married man with a child.

 

Why are you even thinking about this guy?

 

He's probably running inside to tell his wife, 'Come! Look! :eek: There she is staring again!'.

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted (edited)

Gloria, I read that and the whole time I'm thinking WHAT does she see in this guy? He's stunted and can't even communicate! I think the danger of these guys who won't communicate is YOU thinking that masks a mysterious enigma down under there somewhere, and that is NOT the case. If he is what you say he is: A scared, stunted, socially inept guy, if you got him you'd be stuck with him. Why do you want that?? Is this who you want to put up with for the next 20 years?? Someone you have to drag things out of who can't articulate?

 

 

And THEN I ready further and see that he is your married with a child neighbor you are obsessing over who is at least not enough interested in you to even talk to you or try to bang you, which he could easily do, apparently, and doesn't answer the door and is simply trying to avoid you because HE IS MARRIED AND HAS A FAMILY, and now I am really mad at you, Gloria. You are better than this. You have gotten caught up in a challenge and need to ask yourself why you can only focus on a guy who you KNOW you cannot have. You will look back on this and kick yourself for wasting years and time and energy on this. And you are too smart for this. You give good advice to others, but can't get a bead on your own self. Wake up!! See a counselor or whatever, but you need some perspective. You've lost it!!

Edited by preraph
loveflower Established Member

loveflower

Posted
Posted

When I saw 'married with kid', I was completely dumbfounded.

 

Does it even matter if he likes you or not? and to confront him?

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

Oh I didn't realize this was the married guy. Meh, he's doubly a waste of time now, but yeah, if you can't see the writing on the wall to let go yourself beforehand and need to force an end, just pressure him.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

He's not interested in you. Save yourself the embarrassment and move on.

  • Like 1
spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted (edited)

If he's not making a move to meet, Gloria, forget him and move on. The lack of movement is a sign that he's uncertain or not interested. There is no point wasting your time and mental energy on someone who can't get it together enough to make things happen. I don't think there is a point pressuring anyone, even the slightest, but there is a point in knowing when to drop them.

Edited by spiderowl
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...