I am the OW Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 I haven't posted in awhile, been hanging out and seeing how things went with my mm and his W. She moved out of town last weekend and he moved back into their home. I really believe it's over between them and now we can get on with our lives and don't have to hide the fact we are together anymore. Things were going pretty good until one day when I went over there to see him for lunch. When he walked me back to my car I went to give him a kiss and he turned away from me. I asked him what was wrong and he said he didn't feel right about kissing me at the time. What in the world is up with him and acting like this? He has never did that before. Maybe I just need to give him a little time to get over his children moving away, I'm sure it bothers him now that he is living back in his home and his children aren't there anymore.
whichwayisup Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 He is probably an emotional WRECK. He lost his children and misses them! And (sorry, you may not want to hear this) is grieving what he lost - His wife, his kids, a family together. If you and him were meant to be, it will happen - IN time. Don't push him, allow him time to think, grieve and heal. Noone can get into a love intense deep relationship after a marriage ending. Takes time for that hurt to go away. Allow him time and space. I suggest that you just offer him friendship and put the intimacy on hold indefinately.
kkat Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 I agree. Looking back, I realize that when my ex-MM left his wife and children and moved in with me, I had absolutely no concept of the sadness and despair he was going through, even though he had brought it on himself. Obviously, it was more than he could handle, thus he returned home. And, when he reinitiated a relationship w/ me years later, he referred to that pain often, and I think ultimately that's what kept him from moving forward the second time around. Regardless of what a jerk he was, he was in terrible pain and guilt over the separation from his children- and his wife, his dog - his home, his family. I was too naive to get it. Even though we/he saw the children often and they spent weekends with us - he was tormented. If we did anything that his children would have enjoyed - anything - he was tormented. And then....he started to withdraw sexually. He told me once he felt disgusting to be having sex, or doing anything enjoyable at all, while he felt his children were sad. If your guy is a good and loving father, he feels sick and lost inside. Let him go through his process and don't push for intimacy at this time.
whichwayisup Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Good advice to kk. OW, if you want this relationship to workout, really TRY to understand where he is coming from. It is going to be hard no matter what, and I'm sure that you're not feeling too confident either. Don't know what else to say except don't push anything cuz personally I think if you do, you might lose him. kk's situation seems similar where you are now, so listen to her advice.
kkat Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 By the way, this is why I am often less than optimistic for the OW who are with MM who are leaving their wives and/or separated, etc. but not yet divorced. The reality is that for any person, no matter how bad their marriage may have truly been, the process of the divorce is very difficult and it changes people. When they have children, it's magnified. Good luck to you.
I am the OW Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 Thank you all. I hope you are right because I am a little worried he doesn't to go out w/ me in public. We have not went anywhere together out in public unless he takes me out of town. He took me out to eat a few times but never locally. And now that his W is gone, and I am sure all their friends and family know that they are divorcing and he still doesn't want to go anywhere locally with me. I want people to know we are together. I don't want to hide it anymore. It hurts. I thought maybe once he filed for divorce, his W moved away, we could stop hiding the fact we are together. He is as secretive as he was before his W even found out.
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 I hate to bring this up, but it is possible that he is having second thoughts on pursuing a relationship with you? This might be something YOU need to discuss with him at some point, when he is feeling more like himself, away from his wife and kids. I know hearing this may hurt your feelings, that is not my intent...It's just that it could happen. I've heard of enough stories on here and other sites where the MM finally leaves his wife and after all that's said and done he ends up with somebody else. Keep your eyes open abit.
Guest Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Slow down! You are moving too fast for him right now. If I recall correctly, the pain of divorce -- regardless of whether the marriage was good or bad -- ranks right up there with the pain of death. People grieve divorce nearly as much as we grieve death. It is a death. Death of that person's former hopes, dreams and good intentions. Compound that with the loss of children. He is suffering quite a bit right now! In regards to the refused kiss and reluctance to show you off publicly, the answer is guilt, shame, and an overall sense of failure. The best thing you can do right now is back off and give him the space he needs to emotionally divorce. Also, you might like to enroll in a Psych 101 class at your local University. You will find this knowledge helpful in supporting him and not allowing his angst to drive you over the edge.
StillHurtin Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 I agree, you need to slow down and give him his space. He is going through a lot right now. I wish the OW my H had an A w/ would of backed off a little bit when we were going through our D. She just clouded his judgement. H didn't know what he wanted, the D or her. Well, a few months later after our children and I moved away, he realized what he wanted, me and the kids. Glad that you aren't too concerned about it working or not b/c it is going to save you a lot of heartache if he does go back to his W. You can do like the OW did when my H had an A w/, have a back-up man just in case. As soon as H broke it off w/ the OW she was after another guy less than a week later and they are still together, almost 2 years later.
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 In regards to the refused kiss and reluctance to show you off publicly, the answer is guilt, shame, and an overall sense of failure. Which is why there could be a chance that you may not be the one for him after all that's said and done. He may want to start off fresh. Just don't get your hopes up too much. Watch and listen...His actions right now are speaking louder than his words. Back off, give him time and space to figure out what he wants. If you aren't capable of dealing with that, then you walk away and end it. Who knows, maybe in 6 months or so he'll come find you and start up with you again.
StillHurtin Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by newbby so sometimes rebound relationships work then It seems that this rebound relationship worked well which I am honestly suprised. I am good friends to a couple that happens to be friends w/ this guy the OW has been seeing. Right after H broke it off w/ the OW the W of the couple told me the OW was after her H's best friend. At the time this guy didn't want anything to do w/ her, he didn't want to give her the time of day (so my friend said). They didn't want him to start dating her. Well, she kept after him and he finally went out w/ her and he continues to see her. I don't know why...the last time I seen them 2gether (a year ago) she was hanging all over one of his guy friends right in front of him.
HoneyWheat Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 it would be interesting to try kissing him at your place then try to kiss him again at his place indoors then outdoors if he doesn't kiss you outdoors near his home but he kisses you at both your place and indoors at his...it could mean you are not the ONLY other woman it could mean he is dating other women besides you now that he is a FREE man ie starting from scratch there's a whole world of new women out there he hasn't met yet i bet he's itching to play the field
StillHurtin Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by HoneyWheat it would be interesting to try kissing him at your place then try to kiss him again at his place indoors then outdoors if he doesn't kiss you outdoors near his home but he kisses you at both your place and indoors at his...it could mean you are not the ONLY other woman it could mean he is dating other women besides you now that he is a FREE man ie starting from scratch there's a whole world of new women out there he hasn't met yet i bet he's itching to play the field Good idea. If he still seems to be pushing away from you then you will know, there maybe someone else. When my H was having an A during our separation/D the OW was the only one he was w/. When he wasn't spending time w/ me and our children he was golfing or w/ her. He admitted the OW was part of the reason why he left us so I know she was the only one. He also never took her anywhere locally. When we got back 2gether I found cc receipts from places out of town where he took her to eat. I also helped him w/ his checkbook and the checks for restuarants were all out of town. I hate to tell you this but I think he is ashamed of what he has done and isn't ready to parade you around your town right now. He probably has friends and family around that have not accepted him being w/ you and he doesn't want to go anywhere they may see you together. I was close to H's relatives and when they found out about the D and his A they would call me and tell me how sorry they were and I was still part of the family and anytime I wanted to come down to see them or go to family functions I was more than welcome. If the mm's family is close to his W he may not want them to see you 2gether. Just take it slow and give him some time.
I am the OW Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by HoneyWheat it would be interesting to try kissing him at your place then try to kiss him again at his place indoors then outdoors if he doesn't kiss you outdoors near his home but he kisses you at both your place and indoors at his...it could mean you are not the ONLY other woman it could mean he is dating other women besides you now that he is a FREE man ie starting from scratch there's a whole world of new women out there he hasn't met yet i bet he's itching to play the field I did what you said to do and he was willing to kiss me inside his home, my home, but not outside his home when he walked me to my car. He was willing to kiss me good bye at my house, outside. What in the heck is going on? Why is he so worried about kissing me outside of his house. Is he worried the neighbors might see? Well, I asked him and he said that right now, he just doesn't want people in his neighborhood to see us so soon after his W moved out. He seems to think they will look down on him and he doesn't want that. He has been acting very distant from me lately. I have slowed down on seeing him all the time, but he always calls or comes over, and of course I let him, I can't stay away from him.
HoneyWheat Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 there might be a neighbor he is messing around with or a neighbor who knows someone else he is seeing i do understand his desire to show respect and not show you off just yet...ask him how much time he thinks is a suitable waiting period....its kinda like when a spouse dies..it looks real bad if you are sleeping with someone new after a week already.... he might be treating it like a death and wants to show proper respect to his wife and may not want to add turmoil to the divorce court process.... but i would also start snooping to see if there is any other women
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 he might be treating it like a death and wants to show proper respect to his wife No, it's obvious he doesn't want to be the street gossip. Just take it slow and make sure he's upfront with you.
StillHurtin Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup No, it's obvious he doesn't want to be the street gossip. Just take it slow and make sure he's upfront with you. I have to agree. The OW's H came to visit me at my home and was giving me all the information he knew. After he moved out of his W's house to live w/ his parent's until he found his own place he drove by his W's house and seen his W (the OW) and my H running from the garage into her house. When I asked H about this (when we first got back together) he told me he didn't want the rumors getting around about him and the OW so they ran to her house so no one would see them. He told me he never took her anywhere in public. When it all came down to it, he was ashamed for having an A w/ the OW. He said he couldn't believe he was so stupid to have an A w/ her and he didn't know what he was thinking. He said he was embarrassed of it all and felt shamed. I don't understand why he was trying to hide the A any longer, the OW's H, ppl they worked w/, and I all knew what was going on, we weren't stupid. And why would he care if they were seen together, he wanted out to the M. Just like when he filed for a D and I started smoking again. When he came over to get more things from the house he seen me smoking on the patio w/ my sil and got pissy about it and complained about it. Just b4 he walked into the house I said "Why should you care, you don't want me anymore, you were the one that filed for a D!" He never responded to what I said. I am the OW, I am not saying your mm is ashamed of you, but I have to agree, he doesn't want it flying around town that you two are seeing eachother. If he is still acting like he is trying to hide your relationship from the world in 6 months there is something going on.
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