Goodbye Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Did you keep your ex husband's name (if you took it in the first place)? I am divorced and I kept his last name because I have three minor kids. Most of their friends still call me Mrs. X. I don't do the "first name thing" with youth. I spend a fair amount of time at their schools, and I've always been known by this last name as I was married for a long time. I've been separated since 2011, divorced since 2014 (I filed in 2010). My exH remarried this summer. I have little interaction with him other than basic communication over the kids. I've only met his new wife in passing, and it has always been comfortable (on my end) although a little strange as I feel I could be her mother. My kids think she is fine, so I think she is fine. That is about it. So, ever since my exH remarried last August, he has addressed all correspondence to my maiden name, which is not my legal last name. Fine, that didn't bother me. Again, only keeping it for continuity purposes with the kids. This afternoon exH calls me as we are both attending a school concert. At this school, they give parents name tags and mine always has my first name and my former married name. He informed me that this makes his new wife "uncomfortable," and could I please make sure the school gives me a name tag with my maiden name. I agreed, if that makes her so uncomfortable that she won't come to an event...whatever. It's a name tag. Have any of you kept your married last name? I plan on going back to my maiden name in a couple of years, but I didn't anticipate there would be jealousy over who is the real Mrs. XYZ. Trust me, she is welcome to that title. I don't really know into which section this should go, so just throwing it out there.
StBreton Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 I kept my married name for the sake of my kids. I prefer that continuity and think it makes a difference to my kids. I'm not remarried yet and not sure what I'll do when I cross that bridge. Just because your hubby's new wife is uncomfortable, these are your children, not hers, your legal identity, not hers. I wouldn't acquiesce to some person who means absolutely nothing to me...or to my children during a school function. I'd feel marginalized ...new wife needs a healthy dose of "get over it." IMHO:rolleyes: I would tell hubby that your legal name is your married name until further notice...to be used for male, functions, etc. I'm usually very fair about things but my name is my business, not someone's off that street. Would you allow a friend or family member who now knows of your divorce change your name? I assume exH's mom is still Mrs. XYZ as well right? So new wife is the only princess allowed to use that name? Right. 7
Author Goodbye Posted December 11, 2015 Author Posted December 11, 2015 I kept my married name for the sake of my kids. I prefer that continuity and think it makes a difference to my kids. I'm not remarried yet and not sure what I'll do when I cross that bridge. Just because your hubby's new wife is uncomfortable, these are your children, not hers, your legal identity, not hers. I wouldn't acquiesce to some person who means absolutely nothing to me...or to my children during a school function. I'd feel marginalized ...new wife needs a healthy dose of "get over it." IMHO:rolleyes: I would tell hubby that your legal name is your married name until further notice...to be used for male, functions, etc. I'm usually very fair about things but my name is my business, not someone's off that street. Would you allow a friend or family member who now knows of your divorce change your name? I assume exH's mom is still Mrs. XYZ as well right? So new wife is the only princess allowed to use that name? Right. I suspect (don't know for certain) it is actually my ex husband's issue and not hers. He goes to great lengths to keep us apart, so I know her minimally. You are right though, I should stand my ground. To this day I cringe when I see his number on my caller ID and I generally give in. He is such a persistently combative person, it is often easier to acquiesce than to stand my ground. Leaving shortly...will keep your advice in the front of my mind. I think in his mind, he replaced me...so I should no longer exist (although I'm the legal parent now after he had multiple rounds with DCF). There are a lot of strange things...he gave her the exact same engagement ring he gave me. I don't know if it is even worth the mental energy of thinking about it all. I'll arrive with my daughter, leave with my daughter, smile...exchange pleasantries and come home. 1
hippychick3 Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 I kept my married name also for the sake of my kids. I wanted to have their same last name. I can't imagine acquiescing to my ex's demand to change my name back to my maiden name. He doesn't get to decide that. They're your kids, it's your name. Your ex and his new wife can go to h*ll. 5
StBreton Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 (edited) I suspect (don't know for certain) it is actually my ex husband's issue and not hers. He goes to great lengths to keep us apart, so I know her minimally. You are right though, I should stand my ground. Absolutely...don't allow his lack of emotional intelligence/social grace dictate To this day I cringe when I see his number on my caller ID I feel the same and I generally give in I negotiate...but never on my name. He is such a persistently combative person, it is often easier to acquiesce than to stand my ground Stand tall and proud and look down your nose at him or give him the death stare...pretend you're Emperor Palpatine (sorry Star Wars fan here:). Leaving shortly...will keep your advice in the front of my mind. I think in his mind, he replaced me...so I should no longer exist I'm sure my ex feels the same...his issue not mine (although I'm the legal parent now after he had multiple rounds with DCF). Sounds like he wants to make a show of legitimizing the new wife/her new position...again his issue. I wouldn't allow him to minimize you. There are a lot of strange things...he gave her the exact same engagement ring he gave me.Definition of a man...smart but simple...that's ok I don't know if it is even worth the mental energy of thinking about it all. I'll arrive with my daughter, leave with my daughter, smile...exchange pleasantries and come home. see bolded Hope it works out for you whatever you decide GB:) Edited December 11, 2015 by StBreton
Author Goodbye Posted December 11, 2015 Author Posted December 11, 2015 see bolded Hope it works out for you whatever you decide GB:) Perfect. I've made certain to wear heels tonight. I tower over him:), power stance.
StBreton Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Perfect. I've made certain to wear heels tonight. I tower over him:), power stance. You go Emperess:)
StBreton Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 (edited) "Any valid marriage between two baptized people is a sacramental marriage and, once consummated, cannot be dissolved" In the eyes of God, the exH's marriage is not even valid. According to US law..GB is allowed to hold the name she chooses. GB's legal name is what it is until she chooses to change it. Edited December 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redacted quote of deleted post ~6
chew123 Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Goodbye, At first I wanted my cheating ex to drop my name and she was going to for me. I suspect she wanted to keep it for my son. After a month or 2 I grew up and told her do whatever you want. It is really none of my business. She ended up keeping it. I don't care one bit. Do whatever you feel like. It is just a name anyway. chew
StBreton Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 (edited) My kids are young...they consider our last name as our FAMILY name...and so it shall be. We are a family. Family takes precedence over all. Edited December 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redacted rude sentence ~6 2
Popsicle Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I kept mine because it was just easier and because of the kids. It's just a name. I'm glad my ex and his new wife didn't flip out about it. Your ex and his new wife have issues.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) OP, speaking as yet another divorced mother, I too kept my married last name (actually I had a hyphenated last name) for the kids sake but then decided to go ahead and drop a couple of years ago. I spoke to my kids about it and being teenagers, they were absolutely fine with it and understood completely. Their friends still address me by my married name and I'm perfectly fine with it. Your name is no one's business but your own. Edited December 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redacted quote of deleted post and response ~6 3
StBreton Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) OP, speaking as yet another divorced mother, I too kept my married last name (actually I had a hyphenated last name) for the kids sake but then decided to go ahead and drop a couple of years ago. I spoke to my kids about it and being teenagers, they were absolutely fine with it and understood completely. Their friends still address me by my married name and I'm perfectly fine with it. Your name is no one's business but your own. I thought when the kids go off to college I'd switch back...we'll see...there's no advantage like going higher in the alphabet or anything, then I'd have to get a new passport. Edited December 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Cherryz Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 Marriage is not made for divorce, But i do know that unfortunately it does happen sometimes. I can see for one part that you want to keep it for the kids if they are little. But when you look at it it have not much to do with them as far as being just a name i think. If you choose to divorce then you know its the end of the marriage. Keeping the name till the end and try to claim it for what ever reason sounds kind of sad/ desperate. Like you try to claim this one last piece of the marriage you had or some "rigth" as ex wife. Or you not ready to let go and start a new life. And ddnt find closer yet. I wont care much about his new wife. Even thou i could understand how she may feel. But for yourself think about it. Maybe its a process and gos with the healing process. It may help you find more closer and move on also. Cause you then become your own person also when people call you.
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I think you and her should go for a coffee and talk. She is going to be around your children and you are going to be in the picture for many more years to come, more events etc.. Your ex shouldn't be trying to put a wedge between you and her, if anything, it would be fantastic for you two get along and find a common respect for one another, not feel intimidated or jealous etc. My friend is divorced and has gone back to her maiden name though the kids have his last name. As your kids get older it won't be a big deal either way. If your ex asks you (though in his own way he has asked you but not directly) to change your name, would you?
Author Goodbye Posted December 12, 2015 Author Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) I am up (2:30 am...not good given I need to work at 9) and have come back to this thread. It was really a non-issue tonight as the theater was really dark and I just went and sat with some other parents with whom I felt comfortable. Exh and W came late and stood by door as there weren't seats. I guess I'm surprised at the strong opinions over this. Funny, my divorce went to trial and nobody even asked me if I wanted to legally change my name. I know I can go back to court and do so, but it didn't happen at the time of my divorce. In fact, my trial ended, the judge took two months to write her decision and nothing else happened. I actually called my attorney to ask him when I'd finally be divorced and he told me I had been legally divorced for two months already! Like St. Breton, I've kept the name for ease of being identified as the parent of my children. I do travel internationally with them and it IS an issue...often a huge issue. Even with my passport and theirs with the same last name, I bring a notarized letter from my exH (when we used to have shared decision making) as well as a copy of my parenting plan. It is not easy when you do not share the last name of your kids. Not easy at the pediatrician, not easy at school functions...its just confusing. To those who say I'm clinging to the marriage...no, just no. I wanted and needed out. As I indicated in my original post, I do intend to drop the exH's last name once my kids are all over 18...or I suppose if I get remarried, but that will also make things confusing with the parent thing. That is something I'll need to think of if the time comes, but I suspect my kids will all be 18 by then. As far as having coffee with the new wife...I don't care either way. She plays a relative minor role in my kids' lives. They don't see her as a mom figure. She tends to act sisterly toward them and is in fact closer to their ages than to mine....so that makes sense. Maybe having cookies and milk with her would be more appropriate than coffee. To your point, I agree that there should be a reasonably friendly relationship for the sake of the children. I've done everything to facilitate that. As far as ruining her fairly tale wedding of her dreams by keeping the same name as my kids...well, I suspect she'll have much bigger things down the road to rain on her fairy tale. I treat her with respect. I do not "turf" over my exH. He is hers, all hers. Let's all hold hands and sing Peace. Thanks for your input. Goodnight. Edited December 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
StBreton Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I do not "turf" over my exH. He is hers, all hers. Exactly...reading your prior posts, I've gotten to know you a little and realize that is not who you are...that is not who I am either. I think for someone who hasn't knowledge of a particular situation to come on this forum stirring up trouble of which they know nothing about, is inappropriate. About the international travel (and other last name issues that come up if not matching for mom/child)...again, something of which people know nothing about as there wouldn't be this "last name turf war" going on with a few posters on this thread. You asked a simple question and got some good feedback. Keeping a "family" name is your choice though and should be respected...it is your legal name until YOU change it. Happy things worked out well this evening GB:) 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) OP, I commend your most recent post. When one becomes a parent, the well being and happiness of the children come first. I'm sorry for what you're having to go through but if's it's any consolation I think you're dealing with everything with such amazing class and grace. Do what you think is right in your heart, for yourself and for your children. You can never go wrong that way. Good luck to you. Edited December 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Thread commentary redacted ~6 1
William Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 It appears we had some topic drift and a bit of arguing which another moderator cleaned up, so I'll encourage folks to address the topic and report uncivil or argumentative postings to moderation instead of retorting. Thanks!
chapter44 Posted December 12, 2015 Posted December 12, 2015 I think it you should do whatever you like. It seems like it may be a childish manipulation ploy by your ex. You share the same name as your children, all their friends, teachers, others in the community know you by your married. His current wife didn't give birth to this children, wake up in the middle of the night to feed them, take care of them when they were sick, or prepare them to be responsible adults - you did. Why should you now abandon the name thank links you to your children? If it's such an issue to your ex's ego he can always elect to take his new wife's last name!!! 1
Author Goodbye Posted December 12, 2015 Author Posted December 12, 2015 Yes, well it seems some hold the view that a last name is something like a possession. The current wife "holds" that possession. This seems antiquated and strange. Those responses have been removed, so I assume others generally do not hold that belief. I go socially and professionally by my maiden name and use my married name for the purpose of identifying myself as the mother of my children. It's pretty simple really. I could also give myself and entirely new name...maybe based on an interest of mine and petition the court to have my kid's names changed as well. We can all have new names. YES. Just kidding. This too shall pass.
MJJean Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 My ex and I separated when the kids were 6 and 1. I legally went back to my maiden name before we even filed. No court appearance required. I simply changed my last name on a few utilities, took my birth record along with my marriage certificate and the bills in my maiden name down to change it on my license and social security card. Then I talked to the school, doctors, etc. I wasn't his wife anymore, I didn't want his family name. 1
beautifulinside2 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) I have been divorced from my ex husband for 10 years. He remarried 6 months after our divorce, he now has two kids with her and we had no kids. I still have his last name and I kept it because I have a desire to get remarried again, I have established myself in my profession under this last name, and I don't want to keep going from name to name. As far as I'm concerned its my name too because he gave it to me. I will change it when I get married again. I feel this way without kids so if I had kids with him, I would have 20X that conviction.I would keep the last name of our mutual children no if ands or buts about it. Her/His opinion would be irrelevant to me. Edited December 13, 2015 by beautifulinside2 1
mrldii Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Originally, I kept my first husband's last name so that I'd have the same last name as my one-and-only child. I kept it, even with my second marriage. Now, I still have it because it's how I'm known in my social circles. IF I get married again (now that my son is all grown and on his own), I'd probably take his last name. Despite being "a feminist", I like the idea of my teammate and I wearing the same home jerseys when taking on the world. 2
StBreton Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Originally, I kept my first husband's last name so that I'd have the same last name as my one-and-only child. I kept it, even with my second marriage. Now, I still have it because it's how I'm known in my social circles. IF I get married again (now that my son is all grown and on his own), I'd probably take his last name. Despite being "a feminist", I like the idea of my teammate and I wearing the same home jerseys when taking on the world. Thanks for this input m ...I wondered about the getting married again part while my kids are in their formative years.
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