NowImLost Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Me and my ex broke up about 3.5 months ago after being together for 9 years. We started dating in highschool and now we're in our mid twenties. We've been through everything together and even owned a house together.. We are forced into selling our house because neither of us could afford it alone. She also moved out at the time of our breakup. We broke up because the past year has been a rough relationship. We got distant and just lost interest in each other. She refused to spend any time with just me..she always wanted to be with her family and always drug me over there. We both had our flaws though. We ended mutually and didn't fight or get angry with each other. It's been 3.5 months, we still text each other daily (sometimes all day long), we see each other maybe once or twice a week and usually have sex. I've asked her several times if she changed her mind and wanted to give us another try and I've told her how much I've missed her and wanted her back. She responds by saying things could never go back to normal and she doesn't think it will work out. She's been firm on not getting back together. What confuses me the most is she tells me she thinks we should quit talking and seeing each other but within hours or the very next morning she will text me and we'll end up talking all day. She will also call me several nights a week crying about how much she misses me and all that stuff. She will tell my friends that we're officially over with, yet act the opposite to me. The mixed feelings she's giving me is off the charts.. I don't know what she wants anymore. I can't continue to let her confusion affect me, its tearing me apart. I love her so much and would do anything to get her back but I can't keep talking and having sex while being told it's over for good. What do I do to make this easier for me?
Redhead14 Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Me and my ex broke up about 3.5 months ago after being together for 9 years. We started dating in highschool and now we're in our mid twenties. We've been through everything together and even owned a house together.. We are forced into selling our house because neither of us could afford it alone. She also moved out at the time of our breakup. We broke up because the past year has been a rough relationship. We got distant and just lost interest in each other. She refused to spend any time with just me..she always wanted to be with her family and always drug me over there. We both had our flaws though. We ended mutually and didn't fight or get angry with each other. It's been 3.5 months, we still text each other daily (sometimes all day long), we see each other maybe once or twice a week and usually have sex. I've asked her several times if she changed her mind and wanted to give us another try and I've told her how much I've missed her and wanted her back. She responds by saying things could never go back to normal and she doesn't think it will work out. She's been firm on not getting back together. What confuses me the most is she tells me she thinks we should quit talking and seeing each other but within hours or the very next morning she will text me and we'll end up talking all day. She will also call me several nights a week crying about how much she misses me and all that stuff. She will tell my friends that we're officially over with, yet act the opposite to me. The mixed feelings she's giving me is off the charts.. I don't know what she wants anymore. I can't continue to let her confusion affect me, its tearing me apart. I love her so much and would do anything to get her back but I can't keep talking and having sex while being told it's over for good. What do I do to make this easier for me? I can't continue to let her confusion affect me, its tearing me apart -- This is the very reason for going no contact after a break up . . . Stop answering and responding and let her get a grip on the new reality.
cichlid Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 I've asked her several times if she changed her mind and wanted to give us another try and I've told her how much I've missed her and wanted her back. She doesn't want to get back with you. What do you expect to gain by telling her how much you miss her and want her back? This isn't about what you want, it's about what SHE wants.
Author NowImLost Posted December 11, 2015 Author Posted December 11, 2015 I'm afraid that if I go no contact she'll forget about me or move on and I'll lose her for good. I also care too much about her to ignore her. It would be very difficult for me to do NC. She is the person I care about most in life and without her I've felt lost and alone. It's been almost 4 months and I still miss her more than ever.
makemineamac Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 How can you miss her when you two are still texting each other - sometimes all day - and you're still having sex? One of you needs to rip the bandaid off so you can both see how you do independent of each other. You say this is driving you crazy, ask her one last time if you have to where this thing is going, and that if there isn't a legitimate chance of reconciliation you're out of here. Then do it. It'll hurt, It will, but do you prefer this nonsense?
Author NowImLost Posted December 11, 2015 Author Posted December 11, 2015 I miss her being around in person and I miss waking up next to her. The texting is just making me miss her more and we only physically see other once a week if that, rarely twice a week. You're right about cutting the strings now because I do not prefer this. I'd rather not talk if its not going anywhere, tired of my emotions getting played with.
Silver_star Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 I miss her being around in person and I miss waking up next to her. The texting is just making me miss her more and we only physically see other once a week if that, rarely twice a week. You're right about cutting the strings now because I do not prefer this. I'd rather not talk if its not going anywhere, tired of my emotions getting played with. You have accepted the bits and the pieces of a relationship that she is willing to give to you now because you are afraid of letting go. You have been a willing participant in this, but its time to let it go. It doesn't sound like you are happy, so you need to end all aspects of this relationship and stop sleeping together. She will eventually start pulling back more anyways because she is free to emotionally get invested elsewhere and will do just that. Its going to hurt even more then when she stops becoming available to sleep with you, and then unable to text you throughout the day, because she has found someone new. From your original post, it sounds like you got a bit controlling in the relationship. I get that every relationship is different, but you say that she refused to spend any "alone time" with just you and always wanted to be with family...you were together for so long and lived together at one point, so I doubt that is true. Everyone needs their family and friends and its good if their partner is known by your support group as they are now part of your life. It would sound like you are getting just what you wanted now. More alone time (sex) with her, and texting and so you don't have to see anyone she knows. So why are you not happy now? Sounds like family is likely very important to her and you make it sounds like she was "dragging" you there against your will. You didn't want to do the things that were important to her. It just sounds like you found a difference of values, and it caused a strain on your relationship that you were not able to work out. Values don't change. Unless you are willing to accept what is important to her and make some compromises together you do not have a chance. It does sound like she is confused and probably afraid of letting go as well. I would give her the ultimatum and ask to discuss the relationship in person (if that is what you want) and see what YOU can do to open the relationship back up. Ask her what is important to her, what she wants the most from you, what she loved most about the relationship and what she hated. Discuss your thoughts on your side as well, and see if you cant come up with a trial reconciliation. If that doesn't work. Nothing will. If she is not willing to discuss it, no more empty sex sessions, and banter texts throughout the day. It will only keep you in limbo and cause you more pain over an extended period of time. RIP off the bandaid. 1
Author NowImLost Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 Silver Star, you've got it all wrong. I was never controlling in our relationship, it was more her. I would beg and plead with her to have a date night with me, I never demanded it. You don't understand that she went to her parents house EVERY single day after work and both days on the weekend. If her parents weren't open, she'd hang out with her sister. It got very old going over there so much when we had a house of our own to stay at and take care of. She didn't want to do things important to ME.. Trust me I put up with going to her parents for years. We NEVER had time to be a couple, do anything as a couple..ect. Never did I say I wanted time alone with her just for sex either, I wanted time alone with her to bond as a couple and get closer with her. She ALWAYS chose her mom or sister over me. We've still been texting though, but over the past few days I've been telling her we need to quit talking and go on our own ways. She's not happy about that, she even broke down when I told her I was serious. Still confused, still miss her.. But this morning I decided to not respond to her anymore and stick to the no contact. 1
Silver_star Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Silver Star, you've got it all wrong. I was never controlling in our relationship, it was more her. I would beg and plead with her to have a date night with me, I never demanded it. You don't understand that she went to her parents house EVERY single day after work and both days on the weekend. If her parents weren't open, she'd hang out with her sister. It got very old going over there so much when we had a house of our own to stay at and take care of. She didn't want to do things important to ME.. Trust me I put up with going to her parents for years. We NEVER had time to be a couple, do anything as a couple..ect. Never did I say I wanted time alone with her just for sex either, I wanted time alone with her to bond as a couple and get closer with her. She ALWAYS chose her mom or sister over me. We've still been texting though, but over the past few days I've been telling her we need to quit talking and go on our own ways. She's not happy about that, she even broke down when I told her I was serious. Still confused, still miss her.. But this morning I decided to not respond to her anymore and stick to the no contact. Good for you for going no contact. I think that is the right decision. Sorry if I over emphasised your behavior, but IMO you still have a difference of values, and that is why you two will not see eye to eye. It's not easy to go no contact, especially if you still feel fond of each other in a way, but it is necessary to get the headspace you need to move on.
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