Is she flirting? Or is this standard friend stuff?

[Confusedatxmas]

Ok so I'm a woman & my coworker is. She's a manager in the company but not my manager. Sometimes when we talk she holds my hand. Like today she came up to me & just held it while we talked.

 

Yesterday we were talking about all my work & she said "I'm here for you, think of me as a big sister" she then looked at me like she was studying me for a reaction then started laughing & jokingly said "I know you want more". I dunno what that was about.

 

Also so today she was saying I looked really hot in my top, she said it at least twice. It was the sort of top that crosses over so was a bit low. She pulled at it as if to pull it down further, & it came down & yeah, my boobs were a bit on display as I wasn't wearing anything underneath and she looked & blushed. I dunno though if this is just normal friend behaviour? She knows I like women & she is married.

[jen1447]

Sounds to me like she's interested in you sexually. Or put it this way - those things would be more than enough sign for me to make moves if I was interested.

 

Are you new w/women? It seems like you should already know the answer if you've been at it a while.

 

Whether or not you should do anything in this case is a whole different matter. (Married, manager, etc.)

[Confusedatxmas]

Not new with women but not been dating for ages. Also I am just pretty hopeless. Like women have to generally spell it out to me (that's how rubbish I am). And she throws me such mixed signals. I guess because she just comes up and does these things in the office I'm a bit like "wait does she mean she likes me like THAT or is this totally normal because she's done it in front of everyone".i was alone with her earlier in the week and she didn't make any moves but then I think she is nervous and has self control as she is married. I have developed these huge feels for her though

[TheTraveler]

She's married? No man, just no. Move on.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Dude you are being sexually harassed. She does not respect the normal boundaries between colleagues.

Tell her to stop this now because she is capable to accuse you of sexual harassment the moment you don't do what she wants!

 

Do not enter her game. Especially not since she is married.

 

If she is romantically interested in you she can ask you for a date and keep it professional in the office.

Since she is married I strongly advise to not see her outside of the professional setting

 

BTW, time to get yourself a camera and tape all interactions with her. You might need it because if this will go wrong (and chances are it will) it will be her word against yours.

[jen1447]

Not new with women but not been dating for ages. Also I am just pretty hopeless. Like women have to generally spell it out to me (that's how rubbish I am). And she throws me such mixed signals. I guess because she just comes up and does these things in the office I'm a bit like "wait does she mean she likes me like THAT or is this totally normal because she's done it in front of everyone".i was alone with her earlier in the week and she didn't make any moves but then I think she is nervous and has self control as she is married. I have developed these huge feels for her though

 

If it was me I'd just ask "are you coming onto me?" (in a good-natured way), but you have to be the pretty bold type to do that well. If you're more the reserved type it might be best to leave it up to her to make it clear or not. And she might not, bc a lot of ppl just like flirting for flirting's sake.

 

On the other hand if you have feelings it might be worth womaning up and asking.

[Confusedatxmas]

I think I can handle asking if she's coming into me but I can imagine her saying yes back in s jokey way. Like after she said I looked hot again in the top I was wearing I said "I bet you want more than sisters now" and she said "yeah i regret saying that, I'm your mate". She's such a joker and has a come back for things. It's like nothing makes her uncomfortable, except inviting her over to chill at mine. That sort of stopped her in her tracks for a bit but then she just continued

[jen1447]

Hm, ok that sounds like she's giving you the flirting hot and cold treatment. Best answer for that is to beat her at her own game and cool off and see how hard she brings it back at you.

 

Again you have to bear in mind that some ppl just do this for fun and deliberately push the boundaries bc that's fun for them but then reel it back in when it goes too far into possibility country bc they don't actually want to go there. If that's her she's not doing you any favors unless you're content to just flirt w/her too.

 

If you cool off you have to accept the possibility that she'll withdraw permanently, but for me that'd be better than being teased to death. (Actually I'd force the issue and make her do what she was implying all along but again that's just my thing. )

[Confusedatxmas]

I tried backing off her and she upped coming to see me at my desk, and asked me what was wrong and had she upset me. I think she does really care for me and always says really nice professional things about me and tries to do nice things for me but maybe you can tease someone and be caring at the same time in a weird way? I think like you say I need to say stuff like are you coming on to me and push her into talking about it but in a non jokey way

[jen1447]

You could try that - just be serious about the question. Not like deathly serious but if she jokes in reply, laugh and say "no but really" etc.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Looks like you are simply ignoring what I wrote.

 

She is a colleague not respecting your boundaries. What message she wants to give does not matter. She is sexually harassing you and your ego is so flattered that you don't see it. She is also married so her behaviour is very disturbing.

[Confusedatxmas]

Sorry pinkinthelimo. I think because she is a nice person I'm having trouble thinking of it like that. I suppose if I didn't like her, if I think of someone else doing what she does instead then I would see it as harassment and I get what you are saying.

[jen1447]

Sexual harassment is a stretch ....see this FindLaw definition.

 

In the federal context, sexual harassment is considered to be a form of sex discrimination under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Accordingly to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) "unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature constitutes sexual harassment when submission to or rejection of this conduct explicitly or implicitly affects an individual's employment, unreasonably interferes with an individual's work performance or creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment." - See more at: Sexual Harassment: What is it? - FindLaw

 

I'm all for people having their rights respected but we don't do that cause any favors when we jump the gun on what does or doesn't constitute offensive behavior.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Sorry pinkinthelimo. I think because she is a nice person I'm having trouble thinking of it like that. I suppose if I didn't like her, if I think of someone else doing what she does instead then I would see it as harassment and I get what you are saying.

 

Confused, of course she is nice. She is grooming you. Harassers never start off in an unfriendly way. See when later you will realise that it has gone too far and you want to stop it, the argument will be that it was consensual...

 

Whether she is nice or not, hers is not the normal behaviour of a colleague. The comments on your looks for example cross a line. Does not matter if you are flattered by it.

 

Take a step back and think. What do you want in life? I can imagine that you want a professional life without turbulence and a respectable career. If that is the case, getting into flirting with this woman is not going to get you anywhere, it will give you a lousy reputation.

From a personal point of view, are you in a relationship or are you single? If you are in a relationship, time to build a strong boundary between you and this woman. If you are single, the same thing. This woman is married. She is bad news: she behaves inappropriately to a colleague and on top of this she behaves disrespectfully towards her husband. Would you really want to be with such a woman?

[PinkInTheLimo]

Sexual harassment is a stretch ....see this FindLaw definition.

 

 

 

I'm all for people having their rights respected but we don't do that cause any favors when we jump the gun on what does or doesn't constitute offensive behavior.

 

I am not jumping the gun. Offensive behaviour is the behaviour which a reasonable person would find offensive. There is no doubt it is:

1) she tells him to consider her as a big sister

2) she tells him he looks hot in a certain top

3) she even pulls the top down

 

All this happens in the workplace.

 

If you don't think the behaviour is inappropriate, I think you have lower standards than most people.

[jen1447]

Offensive to you, but not the OP obvs, and that's whose sensibilities were dealing with here. Also it's objectively not sexual harassment.