Complicated

[fishyman]

complicated

 

 

 

Hi all, feel I should give you a brief bio on my ex first shes 38 been married 3 times all abusive relationships of varying types and reading between the lines she was abused as a kid although I didn't want to delve too deeply on that one. previously suffered depression and hospitalized after a breakdown a few years ago. She's an associate manager in a very stressful job under staffed by 4 and works longer hours to cover the workload of everyone, she also lost a couple of relatives around this time last year she's been close to breaking point a few times but puts a brave face on at work. refuses to admit she may have depression (has 7 out of 9 symptoms according to google) and ties to deal with it herself and she sweats the small stuff alot.

 

 

We started dating back in February and she was very guarded with her feelings but over time she started to let me in. we fell in love with each other and I'd never felt about any previous women in my life anywhere near what I felt with her. we loved every second with each other although it always flew by. still got excited when I was seeing her and her me. she was perfect to me and what I'd waited 26 years to find in someone. and she told me she's the happiest she's ever been. I respected her, tried to cheer her up when she was down, cared for her and would have protected her no matter what. made her happy with the little things, always complimented her, never put her down at all, always listened to her, never treated her badly.and we've never had an arguement never even raised my voice to her. the only issues we had which were there from day 1 were a difference in food tastes, which we could have worked through and a different perspective on sex (which I put down to previous relationships etc) to me neither of these were deal breakers as there was so much more to us than that. but i know they did play on her mind.

 

So at the beginning of September she asked me to move in with her ( despite telling me right at the start that she didn't want to live with another man for at least 10 years) so this was a very big thing for her! then at the end of September she sent me a Quote "When you meet the right person, you know it. You can’t stop thinking about them. They are your best friend, and your soulmate. You can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with them. No one and nothing else can compare" again knowing her, a very big statement that would have taken a lot for her to say.

 

Everything was going great as I felt exactly the same. then 3 days before our second holiday together to Egypt in October a close family friend died. we went on holiday and a couple of days after we got back she had the funeral to attend and then straight back to work. it was then she started going distant on the texts ie no kisses or emoticons not saying anything lovey as she did daily before. I just put it down to the stress of funeral work and buying a house etc. spent the following weekend with her and everything seemed normal between us then when I got home I asked her if we were ok? to which she replied she just needed some space as was feeling overwhelmed and had to sort her head out. so the following Wednesday were chatting on whatsapp as normal and she says she cant stop crying so I drop everything and go over spend the next couple of hours cuddling and listening to her problems (mainly work) until she stops sobbing and says she's ok, she also had doctors the next day to get results of tests for lady problems which she told me were ok.followed by another week of pushing me away more.

 

Its now 3 weeks of this and I'm still telling her she's beautiful and I love her daily. when she arranges a meet saying we need to talk and then without discussion of any sort just ends it.

giving me the following excuses ; got stuff to deal with and can't be in a relationship, not happy in the relationship and that she's lost who she is. to me these are 3 separate excuses without giving me any specific reason. but she still wants to be friends. then said there was no

then when asked a couple of days later the a proper reason she said During the last 6 weeks I've been feeling it didn't feel right.....and better I tell you than leave it. but again no specific reason and contradicts herself as 6 weeks was around the time she said she couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with me I still couldn't understand it because it didn't make sense to me as nothing was different until after the holiday only 2 weeks before. so asked her again for a reason she then replied" that I had done nothing wrong but she realized in Egypt she didn't see a future for us as not everyone matches" despite an amazing holiday

I'm so frustrated as I feel she's just making excuses and hasn't given me a specific reason or the chance to make things right before ending it. so the only things different were the funeral and the hospital results. makes it even harder as I work for same company so see her daily in passing.

 

Did she just get scared?

Is there someone else?

Was there something wrong with her results and she thinks shes doing us both a favour by facing them alone?

Why end something so great without talking about whats bothering you?

Why wait six weeks before saying anything?

How can you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and then not see a future together within weeks?

If realized in Egypt we had no future why drag it out another 3 weeks before ending it?

Don't want to give up on her because despite her past she is amazing?

 

Just read all this back and it sounds like its hard work but to me she's worth fighting for!!! Sorry it goes on a bit but thought would get better responses if you had all the information. can anyone help as I'm confused? cheers B

[Confusioncreepsin]

Not to be trite, but it boils down to "married 3 times all abusive relationships". My question to you is what did she do to ever heal from those relationships? Being 38 sounds like a lot of hardwired issues are misfiring inside of her, and as a result, are being acted out on you. She is probably right that she probably can't be in a relationship right now...so believe her.

 

Its hard, but please understand that it is not your fault. She has to fix herself and it sounds like she is running on autopilot with her abuse.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I can respect all of your logical thoughts and analysis of this one, yet you may be doing all that thinking in the wrong (yet logical nonetheless) direction.

 

 

I once met a woman who had been in 3 significant, long-term relationships in her life, with each having ended with her having been abused in some way(s). Those after she lost her virginity at the hands of a trio of teenage rapists.

 

After spending a very pleasant and intimate weekend together, she soon said to me: "when I met you, and found you to be the same kind, caring, and compassionate person I first sensed you to be, my heart just closed to the idea of a romantic relationship with you".

 

That woman was all-there mentally, and is a pretty sharp cookie, but because of her past, she neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeded the strong dose of chaos in her men, and in her relationships.

 

 

That is to suggest that YOU-yourself may be doing exactly nothing wrong... instead, she may have been retrained, emotionally, to need some (BAD personality traits which you simply can't serve up).

 

And yeah, lots of therapy is what she needs, but so very few people want to get up and dedicate themselves to that, and the loooooooooong time it takes to turn their values right-side-up... eventually.

 

 

I hope this makes sense, and at least causes you to stop self-critiquing and instead opens your thoughts to new possibilities.

[schlieman]

Not to be trite, but it boils down to "married 3 times all abusive relationships". My question to you is what did she do to ever heal from those relationships? Being 38 sounds like a lot of hardwired issues are misfiring inside of her, and as a result, are being acted out on you. She is probably right that she probably can't be in a relationship right now...so believe her.

 

Its hard, but please understand that it is not your fault. She has to fix herself and it sounds like she is running on autopilot with her abuse.

 

 

I fully agree with above. As well you mentioned that you think she is depressed. Sounds like it from what you describe too. Problem is you can't help her. You can be there for her, support her, but she needs to help herself. If she doesn't help herself she will throw herself in new relationships that will all end like the one with you. Like already said, it's not your fault.

Hard to say what to do, if you try to make her aware of her possible problems she might run away but just watching how it goes on is no better either.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

shes 38 been married 3 times all abusive relationships of varying types

 

 

Whoa, the person I just described a couple of posts ago was 38 when I knew her too. (but only spoke of 3 significant relationships including perhaps just a single actual marriage)