OldRover Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 Legit, She seem to take you granted and way overestimate herself. Joking with you suggesting to date the young girls passing you guys by....i think if you would announce the same thing for her that you are taking her advice and starting to date now....." nice knowing you " I bet her jaw would drop. I think you should pull back from her, for her that would be really unexpected from you. You need to be more proudful, she walks all over you. So what does she want from the other guy?? He is older, fatter, doesn't perform as good as you ...has kids on his own.....What is the quality that she is looking for?? Is he a man's man? Is he highly educated whom you can have intriguing onversations with, a deep thinker? OR HAS MONEY or STATUS ?? Women seek out security in a relationship mainly. Emotional, financial...etc. She had two failed marriages already, she already proved for you that you cannot count on her being there for you in a relationship. She moved on like nothing happened, and anything goes with her. Double dipping etc. This is unacceptable ! Why do you keep pursuing her ?? Do you have any self-esteem issues? I am really not trying to make you mad or hurt your feelings!!!! I am sorry if I did, I just want you to think about these. I think you should really think about dating someone else. I know it's hard when you are into her at the moment,,,,,,but you need to cut your losses at one point. Let her crawl after you if she wants you. You cannot make her want you, she either feels it or not. Captivating, Good points. Another question that needs to be answered: What are the details of her two marriage failures? And, are there other relationships that she's failed with. That will tell a lot. However, just the fact that she wanted to date another guy (who sounds like a looser), is a major issue.
Author legit1 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 OldRover, From what i was told the first one was getting married too young and his family not clicking with hers and the second was her then husband fooling around on her. As far as relationships after that no reasons given specifically but she is friends with them still and broke things off on good terms.
OldRover Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Legit, She seem to take you granted and way overestimate herself. Joking with you suggesting to date the young girls passing you guys by....i think if you would announce the same thing for her that you are taking her advice and starting to date now....." nice knowing you " I bet her jaw would drop. I think you should pull back from her, for her that would be really unexpected from you. You need to be more proudful, she walks all over you. So what does she want from the other guy?? He is older, fatter, doesn't perform as good as you ...has kids on his own.....What is the quality that she is looking for?? Is he a man's man? Is he highly educated whom you can have intriguing onversations with, a deep thinker? OR HAS MONEY or STATUS ?? Women seek out security in a relationship mainly. Emotional, financial...etc. She had two failed marriages already, she already proved for you that you cannot count on her being there for you in a relationship. She moved on like nothing happened, and anything goes with her. Double dipping etc. This is unacceptable ! Why do you keep pursuing her ?? Do you have any self-esteem issues? I am really not trying to make you mad or hurt your feelings!!!! I am sorry if I did, I just want you to think about these. I think you should really think about dating someone else. I know it's hard when you are into her at the moment,,,,,,but you need to cut your losses at one point. Let her crawl after you if she wants you. You cannot make her want you, she either feels it or not. You make some good points, and pulling back is one technique used to attract (or get back) a woman. Give her enough so there's interest, but back off a bit which make you a little harder to get but don't throw yourself at her. One has to be careful with this, as it can backfire, but throwing yourself at someone doesn't often work well. Now, you CAN train someone to like (or love) you. It's not 100%, but if there's an interest you sure can light the fire up a bit. Some planning, getting her in the right environment, using the right "tease" methods all can produce results. You first paragraph relates to this.
beautifulinside2 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 Hi this is one of the questions I was waiting on an answer to. I can't imagine one reason why you would want to continue to pursue this woman outside of sex. Is that why because her moral compass is off.
Author legit1 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 beautifulinside2, After reading all of the posts and taking things in the rose colored glasses are slowly starting to become more transparent. However I love her still and honestly became attached to her kids so it is going to take some time. Personal character flaw, low self-esteem, too trusting whatever you want to call it. One of the reasons I am getting professional help to help fix myself.
beautifulinside2 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) Legit It doesn't sound like you are broken. It seems like you are looking for some type of validation, attention, or affirmation and she gave you that. Everyone wants that I'm just wondering if she gave you these things because she is interested in the person you are and having you apart of her life for the right reasons. I think not judging by her actions. I'm sure if you keep looking you will find that kind of love someday, then all of this will become so enlightening Edited December 14, 2015 by beautifulinside2
DontBreakEven Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 After about 6 months when she first brought up her plan for us to settle down and get married I think things changed in her mind though. She would often joke when we were out and an attractive young girl walked by that I should go talk to her and maybe she just wants to date. Really pissed me off because I only had eyes for her. A naked supermodel could have walked by and I wouldn't have noticed it when she was in my arms. Ya know, it's funny. My ex had things change in her mind 6 months into our relationship to, when she brought up (rather nonchalantly) the idea of us moving back to her hometown. I told her that I wasn't planning on moving. That was it. That was the conversation. 6 months later we were broken up, as she left to go back without me. It's insane to me, because had a known this was a big thing for her, the topic would have been approached differently. Once I DID know it was a big thing for her, I told her that I would eventually be willing to move. At that point she had already checked out of the relationship - telling herself "it wasn't going to work" because we wanted to be in different places. What ticks me off about women like this is that, we actually would do all these things for them - perhaps not overnight, because we are rational beings, but definitely eventually. And in their mind all they hear is "No", and they shut down. What a sh*t way to treat a sacred bond.
Author legit1 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) Ya know, it's funny. My ex had things change in her mind 6 months into our relationship to, when she brought up (rather nonchalantly) the idea of us moving back to her hometown. I told her that I wasn't planning on moving. That was it. That was the conversation. 6 months later we were broken up, as she left to go back without me. It's insane to me, because had a known this was a big thing for her, the topic would have been approached differently. Once I DID know it was a big thing for her, I told her that I would eventually be willing to move. At that point she had already checked out of the relationship - telling herself "it wasn't going to work" because we wanted to be in different places. What ticks me off about women like this is that, we actually would do all these things for them - perhaps not overnight, because we are rational beings, but definitely eventually. And in their mind all they hear is "No", and they shut down. What a sh*t way to treat a sacred bond. Bingo! This is exactly how I feel. It is a passive aggressive selfish mindset they have. I don't get it. Then it comes down to what many here have told me. If they really loved us so much they would stick it out through thick and thin. I don't know your situation because I am not sure if she Had to move (job, family, school...) but know that in my case I was not going anywhere and if it took another 6 months or a year for me to naturally pop the question so be it. Just really frustrating, especially since I now am on the same page that she wanted me on a few months ago. But now she says she loves this new guy and is going forward with him. Can it be possible that her pride is so strong that she rather settle than admit she was wrong break things off with him? Working with the guy and introducing him to her family probably doesn't help. If her pride is that strong to settle and by proxy have her kids settle, wow......good luck. Edited December 14, 2015 by legit1
DontBreakEven Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 If I have to be honest, Legit, I don't know how to react to your situation. It just sounds to me like another nutjob woman (BTW, I am a woman as well, so I am allowed to say that!). My ex moved because she wanted to be geographically close to her parents in order to raise kids. That was it. We weren't even married yet, and kids were years down the road -- the years that I told her, let me tie up my career, find a good job out there, and then we can go. She told me that she couldn't wait for all that. She wanted me to quit my job and move. She has no job, so the whole thing was just something that I couldn't be on board with, as it was extremely selfish and only had to do with the fact that she was done with her work project here in my hometown, and now she wanted to go home. She chose her hometown, family, and friends over our relationship. Fair enough, but definitely didn't love me enough to stay and work a future with me. Anyway, as for your woman ... the situation blows my mind. And though I'd love to say that I'm shocked, I'm not. I've encountered SO MANY women who do sh*t like this. They leave you high and dry, reeling wondering what the f*ck just happened?? You question your sanity, end up feeling like somehow it's your fault, tear down your pride basically groveling for this woman, doing anything and everything you can to get her back, when you are actually a very prideful being that cannot believe has come to this pathetic state, over something you logically just look at and think: "what the actual f*ck". It's awful.
Author legit1 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 DontBreakEven, Very well put. Your last few lines explain it perfectly and is exactly how I feel. I am sorry for your situation. She could have handled it soooo much better. Hell, even if she had to leave right then she could have worked to stay with you even if it meant calls and skype every night and maybe weekend flights twice a month until you moved there. It is just so heart wrenching how they throw everything away when it obviously meant so much to us.
DontBreakEven Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 She could have handled it soooo much better. Hell, even if she had to leave right then she could have worked to stay with you even if it meant calls and skype every night and maybe weekend flights twice a month until you moved there. It is just so heart wrenching how they throw everything away when it obviously meant so much to us. I actually even told her we could do this. I told her, if she has to go, that I'd be willing to do distance. I, however, did tell her what I expected out of distance, and it was just as you are saying: calls/skype every night, visits once or twice a month. Her to start looking for a job/place for us to live (she went to living in her parents house -- mid-thirties, mind you) and giving me a reason to start looking for a job up there too. We did it for a month. The first week I barely heard from her. She said she was getting things "settled". Fair enough. Next 3 weeks were even worse. I think there was ONE Facetime. Many nights she wouldn't even call/text before bed. The excuse was that it'd been so long since she'd been home, she was catching up with everyone! Interesting. She didn't even start looking for a job. I finally told her after a little more than a month of this that I needed to see her, so she came in town. That weekend, we broke up. The distance was not going well ... I wasn't getting what I needed AT ALL. I tried to discuss with her a timeline of how this was going to work, and she had none. She told me she wanted to collect unemployment for as long as she can and essentially have a "vacation". I said okay, stay there for 6 months and don't work, then come back here, stay for a year or two while we plan to go up there. That was a no-go. Everything I said was a no-go. Basically if I didn't want to quit my job and move there, there was no future for us. I knew if I did that, I would resent her forever. ESPECIALLY if we didn't end up working out, and there I was in a city I didn't like with no one, and who knows what job (I like my job, and am working HARD to move my career forward to big things). It was crazy. She left and she was crying her eyes out. She didn't want to break up ... but I don't know what choice she left me?? It's just been a roller coaster since then. I've tried NC and it's very hard for me, as I think we still love each other?? I have no idea anymore. And I feel nuts. Like it's all my fault. And even if it wasn't my fault, I still lose.
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