Crumbling inside, cannot figure out ex. Want her back

[legit1]

Hello everyone, have been reading tons of posts the last few weeks. It is really good to see a group of people who really care and are sharing their experiences hoping to help others.

 

As hard as I tried I could not find a thread that fit my situation close enough.

Grab a seat and read on....... sorry, it is a bit long.

 

My ex and I were together for a year. She was the most amazing person I have ever met (We are both a bit north of 40) . We have so much in common, laughed non-stop and had mind blowing sex at the drop of a hat during the whole relationship.

 

We did have some differences in our background. I have always been single and never had kids. She was married twice and has 2 young children. It was new to me as I never dated someone with young children. It worked though, they were sweet and I enjoyed being around them. When we did things or went out it was as a family. And of course when she didn't have the kids it was a naughty weekend.

 

Everything was perfect. A few months into the exclusive relationship she told me that she wanted something permanent (marriage). I was not opposed but thought it was a bit soon, especially after less than a year of dating and with marriage the responsibility of becoming a stepdad. I told her that I love her more than anything in the world but think we should let things move that direction naturally. She said fine but let me know that this was her game plan.

 

Things continued amazingly for months. She would pepper conversations with jokes about me never wanting to get married but not in a mean spirited way. I would laugh and reply that I loved her. In the back of my mind I would visualize us together forever and even joked with her about us sitting on rocking chairs as old folks. She would get a kick out of it but add that I don't want to get married.

 

The relationship went on, I growing more attached to her and the kids. We never fought but did go through some tough times together, family deaths on both sides, money problems on hers which I helped without being asked. You name it, we were there for each other. I couldn't bear to see her struggle and helped any way I could when things happen.

 

FF a few months. This fall she tells me that she met someone !!!!! WHAT ?????? She explained that we both want different things in the long run, she did not want to lay down an ultimatum to me. She followed up by saying it was a co-worker and they are going on a date over the weekend. I was speechless and became physically ill after hanging up. My whole world was just turned upside down.

 

We continued to talk and I was still in shock and couldn't grasp this as real. I could not even begin grieving. The day the date happen we texted a bit. The next day I called her. She said the date went well and told me a bit about him. Also a divorced parent like her.

 

This is where it really hit me and I went into a downward spiral, this was real. Major depression, down 14lbs, not a day went by without tears, panic attacks, total loss of interest in life in general. Weekends being the worst as we were once inseparable every weekend and would see each other a few times during the week.

The following months we would still chat and she was very nice and open with me, even asking if I was dating. I told her that I am focusing on working on myself right now and not dating.

 

At this point I was getting really bad and sought professional help (psychologist) to deal with this and make some sense of it. In my 40 something years no relationship has over done this to me. Even family deaths never shook me to the core like this.

 

The therapist took her keeping the lines of communication open and still seeing me sometime as hopeful that she still loves me and is not totally committed to this new person, possibly even a rebound relationship even though she dumped me. He is pretty honest and admitted that I may be an option #2 kept on the back burner and asked if I was okay with that. I mentioned the NC rule and he dismissed it as not something he believes in. His rational being that we both still love each other and that a sudden stop in communication seems more like a game. He also added that I have few options. Move on and find another loving relationship or fight for her (not physically of course). He also admitted that realistically she has all the power here and I better be able to deal with how painful that may be if I continue to peruse. That lack of power and uncertainty is the main cause of my temporary major depression/anxiety which he said is just really hard grieving. I am not chemically imbalanced.

 

One of my visits by her resulted in us sleeping together. It was nice to feel that connection again, it breathed hope and life into what had become 2 months of misery. FF a few weeks and I visited again to go to dinner. Upon returning to her place the new bf made a surprise visit while in the neighborhood. I was introduced and he left after 15 mins. I was shocked by what I saw. He was overweight, quiet, frumpy looking and just not a match for what I see as such a beautiful woman. Did not detect any vibe between them at all. That night we had "the talk". I laid everything on the line. Telling her that I love her more than anyone I have ever met and that being without her made me realize what I lost. Telling her that I am now on the same page as she is on as far as a long term commitment with her and the kids. We both wept a bit and she concluded that she wishes that this happen earlier with me and that she now is in a relationship and wants to see where it goes as the new guy is on the page with her from the beginning.

 

FF a few weeks and I visit for dinner again. Some of the same topics revisited casually but nothing super serious. That night we became intimate again but in a most intense way, well over an hour+. And we are talking not only physically but emotionally too. It was amazing. I joked asking if he takes care of her in this area like I do. Before her mouth and mind synched up she blurted out that she wishes he could compare to me in the bedroom and also made a comment on his goods not being to par. She stopped mid-sentence after realizing what she just said. I laughed and dropped it. Of course she says that we cannot do this again.

 

We have texted and spoke since this both of us never really discussing what happen.

 

Should be an interesting visit to the therapist today after what happen this last week. Think he may have some new things for me to work on.

 

 

So, first would like to thank the few brave souls who have read to this point.

 

Any thoughts? Has anyone here ever got back with the ex after something like this?

 

My friends who are split down the middle.

Half saying that the new relationship will never last they both have too much baggage and melting 2 families with kids is always a recipe for disaster and lastly if she is not being physically satisfied that may be the last nail in the casket. Everything is also going too fast with them. Not to mention the stats for 3rd and 2nd marriages working. (75% and 65% failure rate)

 

Then my other half of friends are telling me to forget her and start sowing my seed and enjoy single life and find someone with less baggage. And to stop torturing myself hoping for her.

Sounds stupid but like a drug addict when I see her I feel amazing for 2 to 3 days and then when not around her I come crashing down waiting for the next fix. In my heart of hearts I am still in love with her.

 

Thanks in advanced for any help.

[Blue.Cake]

Hey, you were amazing to her, you made the relationship everything It should be, you know? You wanted to live with her maybe forever, and so did she hence why get married? Yet she wanted a ring on her finger. I'm sure you loved her enough that you would have got married to her down the line because when she tells you “It's my dream to walk down the aisle” you would have smiled and I'm confident you would have made it happen for her. And if she loved you she would have had confidence in that too, and if she did really love you that wouldn't have mattered for her. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with her but she never. She probably just wanted someone to put a ring on her finger. I'm sorry If what I say about her offends you but I think she doesn't hold you above herself, her thoughts matter and I don't even think she considers yours. Her love is one-sided and that's directed at herself, It's all a bit too selfish. You loved her too much that your heart now rules your head. You need to see her for what she really is.

 

She's with this new guy yet still physical and intimate with you, probably lying to this new guy, It's just all wrong. Do you wonder maybe she cheated on you with this new guy when you were together? At the end of the day, she has treated you appalling, and is still doing so, she doesn't love you as much as you love her, you'll only making your heart's would re-open over and over. I don't think you could have done anything more to save the relationship, If I was you, I would try and accept you were wrong about her and accept the relationship is dead and move on. Concentrate on yourself, give yourself time to grieve, be good and kind to yourself and recover. Find comfort in the fact you loved her and felt what loving someone was like but know It run its cause and there was nothing you could have done to save it. Go no contact, and good luck.

[frigginlost]

Hello everyone, have been reading tons of posts the last few weeks. It is really good to see a group of people who really care and are sharing their experiences hoping to help others.

 

As hard as I tried I could not find a thread that fit my situation close enough.

Grab a seat and read on....... sorry, it is a bit long.

 

My ex and I were together for a year. She was the most amazing person I have ever met (We are both a bit north of 40) . We have so much in common, laughed non-stop and had mind blowing sex at the drop of a hat during the whole relationship.

 

We did have some differences in our background. I have always been single and never had kids. She was married twice and has 2 young children. It was new to me as I never dated someone with young children. It worked though, they were sweet and I enjoyed being around them. When we did things or went out it was as a family. And of course when she didn't have the kids it was a naughty weekend.

 

Everything was perfect. A few months into the exclusive relationship she told me that she wanted something permanent (marriage). I was not opposed but thought it was a bit soon, especially after less than a year of dating and with marriage the responsibility of becoming a stepdad. I told her that I love her more than anything in the world but think we should let things move that direction naturally. She said fine but let me know that this was her game plan.

 

Things continued amazingly for months. She would pepper conversations with jokes about me never wanting to get married but not in a mean spirited way. I would laugh and reply that I loved her. In the back of my mind I would visualize us together forever and even joked with her about us sitting on rocking chairs as old folks. She would get a kick out of it but add that I don't want to get married.

 

The relationship went on, I growing more attached to her and the kids. We never fought but did go through some tough times together, family deaths on both sides, money problems on hers which I helped without being asked. You name it, we were there for each other. I couldn't bear to see her struggle and helped any way I could when things happen.

 

FF a few months. This fall she tells me that she met someone !!!!! WHAT ?????? She explained that we both want different things in the long run, she did not want to lay down an ultimatum to me. She followed up by saying it was a co-worker and they are going on a date over the weekend. I was speechless and became physically ill after hanging up. My whole world was just turned upside down.

 

We continued to talk and I was still in shock and couldn't grasp this as real. I could not even begin grieving. The day the date happen we texted a bit. The next day I called her. She said the date went well and told me a bit about him. Also a divorced parent like her.

 

This is where it really hit me and I went into a downward spiral, this was real. Major depression, down 14lbs, not a day went by without tears, panic attacks, total loss of interest in life in general. Weekends being the worst as we were once inseparable every weekend and would see each other a few times during the week.

The following months we would still chat and she was very nice and open with me, even asking if I was dating. I told her that I am focusing on working on myself right now and not dating.

 

At this point I was getting really bad and sought professional help (psychologist) to deal with this and make some sense of it. In my 40 something years no relationship has over done this to me. Even family deaths never shook me to the core like this.

 

The therapist took her keeping the lines of communication open and still seeing me sometime as hopeful that she still loves me and is not totally committed to this new person, possibly even a rebound relationship even though she dumped me. He is pretty honest and admitted that I may be an option #2 kept on the back burner and asked if I was okay with that. I mentioned the NC rule and he dismissed it as not something he believes in. His rational being that we both still love each other and that a sudden stop in communication seems more like a game. He also added that I have few options. Move on and find another loving relationship or fight for her (not physically of course). He also admitted that realistically she has all the power here and I better be able to deal with how painful that may be if I continue to peruse. That lack of power and uncertainty is the main cause of my temporary major depression/anxiety which he said is just really hard grieving. I am not chemically imbalanced.

 

One of my visits by her resulted in us sleeping together. It was nice to feel that connection again, it breathed hope and life into what had become 2 months of misery. FF a few weeks and I visited again to go to dinner. Upon returning to her place the new bf made a surprise visit while in the neighborhood. I was introduced and he left after 15 mins. I was shocked by what I saw. He was overweight, quiet, frumpy looking and just not a match for what I see as such a beautiful woman. Did not detect any vibe between them at all. That night we had "the talk". I laid everything on the line. Telling her that I love her more than anyone I have ever met and that being without her made me realize what I lost. Telling her that I am now on the same page as she is on as far as a long term commitment with her and the kids. We both wept a bit and she concluded that she wishes that this happen earlier with me and that she now is in a relationship and wants to see where it goes as the new guy is on the page with her from the beginning.

 

FF a few weeks and I visit for dinner again. Some of the same topics revisited casually but nothing super serious. That night we became intimate again but in a most intense way, well over an hour+. And we are talking not only physically but emotionally too. It was amazing. I joked asking if he takes care of her in this area like I do. Before her mouth and mind synched up she blurted out that she wishes he could compare to me in the bedroom and also made a comment on his goods not being to par. She stopped mid-sentence after realizing what she just said. I laughed and dropped it. Of course she says that we cannot do this again.

 

We have texted and spoke since this both of us never really discussing what happen.

 

Should be an interesting visit to the therapist today after what happen this last week. Think he may have some new things for me to work on.

 

 

So, first would like to thank the few brave souls who have read to this point.

 

Any thoughts? Has anyone here ever got back with the ex after something like this?

 

My friends who are split down the middle.

Half saying that the new relationship will never last they both have too much baggage and melting 2 families with kids is always a recipe for disaster and lastly if she is not being physically satisfied that may be the last nail in the casket. Everything is also going too fast with them. Not to mention the stats for 3rd and 2nd marriages working. (75% and 65% failure rate)

 

Then my other half of friends are telling me to forget her and start sowing my seed and enjoy single life and find someone with less baggage. And to stop torturing myself hoping for her.

Sounds stupid but like a drug addict when I see her I feel amazing for 2 to 3 days and then when not around her I come crashing down waiting for the next fix. In my heart of hearts I am still in love with her.

 

Thanks in advanced for any help.

 

Okay, I'll give you my story as us "North of 40" folks need to stick together.

 

Your situation is similar to mine. I have no kids and my girlfriend at the time has 3. It was all new to me, but I ended up loving them. What I couldn't seem to do was commit 100%. We got along fantastic, but as time moved forward and I thought things were great, she was looking long term.

 

I was hit like a truck when she told me that an ex was back in the picture and I was sent my walking papers.

 

I was crushed beyond belief. Lost 25 pounds, couldn't sleep for weeks, etc. I am one of the few that believes in Low Contact (only because I'm not in my 20's or 30's and choices for folks are age are somewhat limited).

 

I took it all as gracefully as I could, went to work on myself, dated, had some fun, and basically moved forward in life. It was rough, but we did communicate at times.

 

As time moved forward toward a year since we had split, she came to realize that her ex was just not all she thought it was going to be. She left him and the communication picked up with us. I just continued to be myself...

 

We have been back together for a couple months now, and I have a complete and total understanding of where she is. We both grew in that year a part and it made us both realize what we have with each other. We still have our bicker moments, but we handle them differently.

 

And yes... if things keep progressing the way they are... I would marry her. She knows that.

 

The best piece of advice I could give you, is to not play a single game with her. Do not grovel, do not beg, and do not bargain. Go live your life the best way you can. You will grow as an individual and if your paths cross again you'll be the better for it.

[marky00]

Hey man sry to hear about this:

 

I have been there man trust me !!!

 

There are a lot of cases on LS of women leaving men due to marriage not happening fast enough. IMHO, there is more than meets the eye here because people don't leave people who they love.

 

Take my case for instance, 9 yr LDR, we spoke and dreamed sometimes of marriage in the first 3 years of the relationship. It never ended up happening coz back then I was a bit too slow to act and she was making it hard for me by imposing cultural issues upon me. Basically I was told I couldn't meet her family and visit her village until marriage had taken place etc etc. Besides the dream talk in the early stages she never really dropped any hints about the marriage thing until maybe like 6 years in or so.

 

Post break-up she did mention that the marriage thing had bothered her. Of course I pointed out to her that I integrated her into my family but the vice versa didnt occur. She also mentioned that she knows that no-one will ever love her like i did (and she is right).

 

My point is, if she truly loved me and she knows I loved her, then why would her pride stop her from coming out and giving stronger hints? It doesn't make sense right? Would someone allow a great relationship to die just because of a little loss of pride?

 

I think for first few years she truly did love me which is why she stayed. She left when she stopped loving me. She didn't leave because of the marriage thing.

 

OP, have a second look at things and ask yourself did she really love you in the last few months of the relationship? My bet is that she started losing interest and love for you (some women get turned off by fear and hesitation etc). This is why she left and then can conveniently state the reason was that you didn't want to marry her fast enough.

 

Her comment that the new guy was up for marriage Day 1 is laughable. No person on planet earth marries someone just because the other person was into the idea as much as they were. People marry each other because they love each other... that's all that matters.

 

Its possible that because this other guy has stated he is open to marriage right away, she sees him as being more confident which is attractive to her. So yeah IMHO its not really about the marriage thing but more about fear/hesitation vs confidence.

 

1 year isn't a long-time to think about marriage. I say good riddance to her to be honest.

Edited December 11, 2015 by marky00

[marky00]

@friggenlost

 

Wow a real reconciliation story lol. GJ

 

I think in your 40s that makes sense because even if the spark and romantic feelings had dwindled, women in their 40s and older are more likely to look at things like freedom, security but most importantly companionship.

 

Women in their 20s and 30s are looking for something different so would be less likely to return to a former lover once the flame blew out.

[mightycpa]

She was married twice and has 2 young children.

You really want to be ex-husband #3? Or do you just want to be a forever boyfriend?

 

Boyfriends don't last forever, and this lady can't stay in a relationship for long.

 

I don't know that you dodged a bullet, exactly. Probably more like you've just taken the bullet that was ultimately going to hit you.

[frigginlost]

@friggenlost

 

Wow a real reconciliation story lol. GJ

 

I think in your 40s that makes sense because even if the spark and romantic feelings had dwindled, women in their 40s and older are more likely to look at things like freedom, security but most importantly companionship.

 

Women in their 20s and 30s are looking for something different so would be less likely to return to a former lover once the flame blew out.

 

Thank you, sir.

 

Yup, my age was the only thing that kept me from the NC route. I guess with age comes a sort of "we all live our lives the way we want, and nobody controls our decisions but ourselves" kind of thinking. As much as it killed me, I had no right to hate her for her decision. I swallowed it with as much dignity as I could and pressed forward. Went out and dated a ton of younger women and had some fun. Now guess who looks like the knight in shinning armor to all of our friends since getting back with her. :-) I'm the guy who took back an ex after she bolted. I'm the guy all the women in our circle hang on, because I truly loved their friend and tried as best I could to stay classy during the breakup. I'm the guy in all their eyes that showed them love conquers all. I'm the guy who let her figure it out.

 

If I was 25, I would be the patsy, the pushover, the idiot. And I would agree. Age and experience are sometimes everything...

 

Women in my age bracket know what they are looking for as they have ridden the "let's see what else is out there" horse and are looking to finish turning gray with a partner that wants to hold hands and laugh with on their way to the Dr's appointments. :-)

 

But, on the flip side since they do know what they want, they are very much "honed in" on actions from a partner. They won't game play, and are extremely in tune with what is happening within their relationships.

[marky00]

Thank you, sir.

 

Yup, my age was the only thing that kept me from the NC route. I guess with age comes a sort of "we all live our lives the way we want, and nobody controls our decisions but ourselves" kind of thinking. As much as it killed me, I had no right to hate her for her decision. I swallowed it with as much dignity as I could and pressed forward. Went out and dated a ton of younger women and had some fun. Now guess who looks like the knight in shinning armor to all of our friends since getting back with her. :-) I'm the guy who took back an ex after she bolted. I'm the guy all the women in our circle hang on, because I truly loved their friend and tried as best I could to stay classy during the breakup. I'm the guy in all their eyes that showed them love conquers all. I'm the guy who let her figure it out.

 

If I was 25, I would be the patsy, the pushover, the idiot. And I would agree. Age and experience are sometimes everything...

 

Women in my age bracket know what they are looking for as they have ridden the "let's see what else is out there" horse and are looking to finish turning gray with a partner that wants to hold hands and laugh with on their way to the Dr's appointments. :-)

 

But, on the flip side since they do know what they want, they are very much "honed in" on actions from a partner. They won't game play, and are extremely in tune with what is happening within their relationships.

 

Yeh well im almost 40 and me EX is 33.

 

I to have kinda gone the low contact route, but each contact hurt like hell. Like you said at my age, I had a good look at things and saw my role in things and just couldn't hate her even though she hurt me so much.

 

But at 33 i think she is young enough to really have crack at few relationships so I don't think I will be as lucky as you but I have followed an identical approach. Id say the only lure will be that as she gets closer to 40 her being in Thailand and me in Australia will start to be a carrot for her. So yeah, im predicting a call maybe in like 5 years or so No way I could keep up low contact that long but so yeh she would have to break a few years of silence.

 

I dont think she is in love with me at this point in time but she definately was before. Things always look different over time so I guess you just never know.

Edited December 11, 2015 by marky00

[Confusioncreepsin]

Are you ****ing kidding me? I am 46 and I can't believe that you are ALLOWING her to treat you like this.

 

Please take my viewpoint for what it is worth. I believe she has been cruel to you, takes advantage of you and is definitely treating you as OPTION B. I know you love her, bonded with her kids, but dude, please, look at HOW she treated you. Do you really think it was ok for her to just treat you like **** in announcing she was going to see SOMEONE else. Do you not think a real person who cared about you would kinda pop this on you without a few conversations at least....you sound like your were a good doormat, so when she thought she could snap her fingers you would jump. But, you didn't, which tells me you are smart. She didn't like your ability to have some self control, and went out to find someone who could be controlled a little easier. With the apparent downgrade, it looks like a case of wanting person X which means it did not matter WHO it was...it was just a supply for her.

 

YOU DODGED A HUGE BULLET...why? Because think about her carelessness 4-5 years down the road when you are fully emotionally invested and you have to tell her NO. Don't think that she would not treat you the same then.

 

Be happy to be out.

[mightycpa]

I'm the guy who took back an ex after she bolted. I'm the guy all the women in our circle hang on, because I truly loved their friend and tried as best I could to stay classy during the breakup. I'm the guy in all their eyes that showed them love conquers all. I'm the guy who let her figure it out.

With absolutely no disrespect intended, I have to ask. This is a good thing? What do their men think about you? I read that, and I instinctively recoiled. I'd like to think I'm at least somewhat open to other ideas, so I'm just asking to get another perspective.

[marky00]

With absolutely no disrespect intended, I have to ask. This is a good thing? What do their men think about you? I read that, and I instinctively recoiled. I'd like to think I'm at least somewhat open to other ideas, so I'm just asking to get another perspective.

 

Mighty I c where u coming from but @frigginlost lost stated that he worked on himself and let time take its course. She kinda did a 180 and came back. At that age bracket, going back into a past relationship if the love is still there would be awfully tempting.

 

What would have you done if your Ex came back 1 year later and did a 180 on u? That's the big question. Remember your answering that question as the person you are now, not who you were back then.

 

We all have different viewpoints because we are all shaped by different events.

[frigginlost]

With absolutely no disrespect intended, I have to ask. This is a good thing? What do their men think about you? I read that, and I instinctively recoiled. I'd like to think I'm at least somewhat open to other ideas, so I'm just asking to get another perspective.

 

Absolutely no disrespect taken, mighty. I completely respect who you are and what you bring to this site.

 

Most (not all) of the men in the group believe it or not, actually respect it. Most all of them have had their own "issues" in their respective relationships and have traveled a lengthy life road themselves, and pretty much think "we are getting to old to let this sh*t control us. If you're happy, and she's happy, that's all we care about". Yes, there are a few that think it ridiculous, and I do not fault them at all. We are all individuals with our own beliefs and feelings and I can totally understand their point of view. Those who have "sunk their heels in" have had really bad experiences with their ex's though.

 

I would like to point out, that being understanding does not mean there are not boundaries that can't be crossed.

 

If my ex had decided she wanted to test d*ck sizes of the local football team while we were apart, there would have been absolutely no reconciliation at all...

[OldRover]

Legit 1,

 

Wow, you've been through a lot.

 

First, there should have been an understanding with you two if you were really exclusive, you didn't mention that, and suspect nothing was said.

 

She just "met" someone, and that implies that this is her first date with him. So be it. She has the right to do that IF you and her were not exclusive.

 

You have a few choices.... but I'd argue that you would want an exclusive relationship, and hold to that. Tell her that there is no option, and if she says she wants to play the field, I'd argue to bite the bullet and seek another lady. Hard as it seems, with only a year in, this will not hurt forever, and if you aggressively work on it, you could have the paid gone in a few months.

 

Now, as for marriage. Gut feeling she's pushing it WAY too soon. She's been married twice before and the success odds with you are minimal, and will take a LOT of effort, but you "can" do it. She is for sure rushing things.

 

I see this in a lot of women... even dated a few in a previous life. And none of them ever worked out with their future men.... all ended in divorce or a breakup. And most of them just rushed from one relationship into the next. One lady that I knew pretty well, broke up with one guy moved the next in for two months, booted him our, dated the next guy for 4 months and married him. My friend are betting it won't last 6 months.

 

A lot of women that have gone through a lot of breakups and divorce a few times, end up blaming all their men and never look at their own problems. You "could" be facing this, and I'd argue to NEVER get married to her. No upside. If you really get serious, you can accomplish the same promises and vows without the legal certificate. However, vows you put in writing "could" come back and bite you, but you can control that to a point.

 

Good luck.

[mightycpa]

If my ex had decided she wanted to test d*ck sizes of the local football team while we were apart, there would have been absolutely no reconciliation at all...

Do you mean because she would never.... no, no, just kidding!

 

I have to believe that a lot of that depends very much on how the breakup was conducted. There are a lot of ways to go about that, and very few leave legitimate doors open for reconciliation. I'm trying to envision a scenario where I might be as forgiving as you were, but I'm definitely having trouble with that, meaning I can't. Even now, in my advanced age, I think I'd have other options, but you explored that too, and then came back around. Anyway, let's hope I'm never put to the test.

 

I don't know why, but I'll ponder on this a bit more. The idea intrigues me for some reason.

 

Sorry to hijack this thread, I yield the floor back to the subject at hand.

 

Legit1, nothing I've read yet leads me to believe she's in any relationship for the long haul. I'm sticking with my previous observation.

[legit1]

Although still wonder what our chances are getting back together. Having sex has to be chipping away at whatever she calls she is in now. Not saying that this will continue, last time may have been my last ride.

 

 

I actually had the conversation with her a few days ago regarding that if she really loved me she would have stuck it out with me and just nagged me until I broke instead of taking her ball home when she did not get her way like a child.

I told her that if the shoe was on the other foot and I wanted to get married and she didn't I would wait till the end of time staying with her hoping one day she would say yes, even if it was when we both got thrown in a retirement home. She really didn't have a rebuttal to that other than she could not break things off with the new guy, it would crush him. To that my reply was that she has no idea the hell I have been going through.

Really wondering how long this will last.......

 

"OldRover" Yes we did have an agreed exclusive relationship, it was brought up by me after dating for 2 months. Was very clear and all dating site accounts were closed and all. No option now about giving her options, she is dating the new guy and not me.

After about 6 months when she first brought up her plan for us to settle down and get married I think things changed in her mind though. She would often joke when we were out and an attractive young girl walked by that I should go talk to her and maybe she just wants to date. Really pissed me off because I only had eyes for her. A naked supermodel could have walked by and I wouldn't have noticed it when she was in my arms.

Edited December 11, 2015 by legit1

[schlieman]

This might sound now a bit harsh but is my point of view of your situation.

Forget about her and move on. She was married twice and it didn't work out, i wonder what was the cause of the divorces. Then she wants you to marry her and kind of pressures you? If she really loved you she would have waited untill you are ready to propose to her. You said you were together for a year and then she goes out dating someone else? To me this is cheating. Once a cheater always a cheater. I don't think seeing her and having sex with her while she is with another guy helps you much either, she seems to string you along while you can't really start the process of healing and moving on. I think don't waste any more time in trying to get her back, find someone who loves you for what you are and do.

 

Here is a statistic for you too:

 

50% of marriages end in divorce

67% of second marriages end in divorce and

74% of third marriages end in divorce.

 

In my eyes she is no good for you, it is hard to see this sometimes when your in love, trust me i am there too atm.

 

I wish you good luck for whatever you gonna do.

[makemineamac]

Ugh. Come on man, I don't care what anyone says but this is ridiculous. Why would you want anything, anything to do with this woman who made these decisions without talking to you?

 

And what does it say about you that you're totally cool having sex with her while she is seeing someone else? Really? You don't see a problem with that? That's all ok with you?

 

And more importantly, as someone else pointed out to you, how do you know this wasn't happening with the other guy before she told you she was 'seeing' someone? (You don't know)

 

And, even more importantly than that if she's ok having sex with you now, while seeing the other guy, do you really think you could have a safe and secure marriage? How could you ever trust her? How could you ever be certain she wouldn't do the same thing to you again? (You couldn't.) That alone should be a deal breaker for you but apparently it's not.

 

Then there's this:

 

"I told her that if the shoe was on the other foot and I wanted to get married and she didn't I would wait till the end of time staying with her hoping one day she would say yes, even if it was when we both got thrown in a retirement home."

 

How sweet, and how did she respond?

 

"She really didn't have a rebuttal to that other than she could not break things off with the new guy, it would crush him."

 

Ok, so we know what she thinks now, don't we? She's not worried about you, but him, correct? That's pretty clear, no?

 

And what was your retort to that?

 

"To that my reply was that she has no idea the hell I have been going through."

 

And she clearly doesn't care right? I can see it, others can surely see it. You cannot see it?

 

You are being used for sex and whatever else she needs you for,

 

Stop being a doormat and cut ties. This is not a good person for you to continue to emotionally invest in.

 

You'll be ok and find someone who puts you, instead of an old fashioned construct - marriage - first.

Edited December 11, 2015 by makemineamac

[OldRover]

<<<<<<<<

"OldRover" Yes we did have an agreed exclusive relationship, it was brought up by me after dating for 2 months. Was very clear and all dating site accounts were closed and all. No option now about giving her options, she is dating the new guy and not me.

After about 6 months when she first brought up her plan for us to settle down and get married I think things changed in her mind though. She would often joke when we were out and an attractive young girl walked by that I should go talk to her and maybe she just wants to date. Really pissed me off because I only had eyes for her. A naked supermodel could have walked by and I wouldn't have noticed it when she was in my arms.>>>>

 

Legit,

 

Sorry to hear that, and it was not fair for her to seek out someone else, like she did. She really should have leveled with you first.

 

However, you "can" get her back, and there's a ton of good reading and info on how to do that. But, you'll have some challenges, and you'll really want to find out if this could be just another failure for her...in which case you don't want to be there a few years down the road. She does have some major disadvantages and red flags... being married twice is certainly one, and the fact that she cheated on you is another. You'll certainly need to know if she can go the distance, but I'd argue strongly that she is NOT one you'd want to marry, as there is NO upside.

 

A few things.... people do stupid things. Once a cheater is always a cheater is NOT TRUE. You'll have to get through her indiscretions and make the decision that she is right for you, if she is. You have a long way to go, but no downside in pursuing it to see where she stands.

[betterfly]

Hi Legit!

 

I'm in my twenties, and I'd like to share a couple thoughts on your situation. I don't know if she'll ever be back, but it seems like she could in fact be extremely confused and that in the future she'll realize that you're all she's ever needed. But:

 

1. You're 40, not 90-100. Seriously!! What kind of thinking is that?! Love yourself!! I'm in my twenties, and I was in a relationship with a 40 year old. Before that, I only ever have been with men his age or older. So… if you say that NC is not for you because you're wise enough to know that LC or full contact is a better option, I'd be genuinely curios to hear your reasoning. If, however, you think NC is not for you because you can't afford to lose one of your last options. STOP IT!!! There are so many open doors for men your age. You might need to work on yourself first, though. Which brings me to my second point.

 

2. Sloooooowly start moving in the direction of loving YOURSELF. This way you won't even have to deal with this dilemma everyone's dealing with: "But if I move on and start focusing on myself, I'll lose them forever !" If your transition is slow, it's a) better than nothing, b) allows for a softer change, when your mind will naturally move in the right direction and distance itself from your ex, without you having to force anything.

 

(Chances are, she'll want you when you're at your best and are not so attached to her. BUT then it will be up to you to decide if you want someone in your life who… well, I don't know her and don't want to judge, but she just seems insensitive from what I've learned so far.)

 

Best of luck

Edited December 12, 2015 by betterfly

[sandylee1]

As pro marriage as I am.... she was pushing it way too quick for a 2x divorcee with kids. That's a big red flag. She was chatting to the guy at work before you broke up.. with intentions of a relationship.

 

She's very very cruel and you deserve better. You've dodged a bullet there... keep healing and stop contacting her.

[legit1]

Wow, thanks for all the great responses. Will admit that i am not 100% in my right mind and still want her back but am slowly starting to look at it for what it was and everyone here is a huge help on my journey.

[Mcnulty]

So she goes off with another guy, you hang around, you sleep with her and see her, both behind another person's back, someone who may be a good decent person, (the new guy)...the pair of you...honestly man.

 

You're being her patsy, she's using you a plan b, can't you see that, you're not 20, you must be able to see how wrong all of this cheating is?

 

My ex, her ex from 3 years previous, started contacting her, she only tells me because the idiot started emailing me with creepy hello messages, she knocks me back twice when I ask to see her, 7 weeks pass without seeing her...what did I do? I walked away...from 12 years on an off I walked away..oh and I'm similar age to you. It's about dignity, self worth and respecting others.

[kgcolonel]

Legit....may have already been mentioned but to me she sounds as if being married was her goal, not being married to that special someone. She just needs the acceptance / commitment from anyone giving her validation. I see this as why she is twice divorced. Her selector is broken as far as who she marries, i.e. "frumpy, not the kind of person you'd see with her", he was simply a willing warm body....

 

I think you dodged a bullet here....you may have been her third attempt and failure at this union.

[Captivating]

Legit,

She seem to take you granted and way overestimate herself. Joking with you suggesting to date the young girls passing you guys by....i think if you would announce the same thing for her that you are taking her advice and starting to date now....." nice knowing you " I bet her jaw would drop. I think you should pull back from her, for her that would be really unexpected from you. You need to be more proudful, she walks all over you. So what does she want from the other guy?? He is older, fatter, doesn't perform as good as you ...has kids on his own.....What is the quality that she is looking for?? Is he a man's man? Is he highly educated whom you can have intriguing onversations with, a deep thinker? OR HAS MONEY or STATUS ?? Women seek out security in a relationship mainly. Emotional, financial...etc. She had two failed marriages already, she already proved for you that you cannot count on her being there for you in a relationship. She moved on like nothing happened, and anything goes with her. Double dipping etc.

This is unacceptable ! Why do you keep pursuing her ?? Do you have any self-esteem issues? I am really not trying to make you mad or hurt your feelings!!!! I am sorry if I did, I just want you to think about these. I think you should really think about dating someone else. I know it's hard when you are into her at the moment,,,,,,but you need to cut your losses at one point. Let her crawl after you if she wants you. You cannot make her want you, she either feels it or not.

[Winterina]

Legit,

 

It is not people's words that you should listen to. It is not even their actions that you should be looking at. It is a bit harder than that. You have to use your intuition to discern the emotional motivation behind their words and actions to know who they are. Only then will you truly know anyone. Everything else is a mask.

 

I hate to tell you this but she never really loved you. A woman who loves a man would not just dump him for someone she claims she had nothing to do with during your relationship. After only one year, and only for the reason that he STILL did not propose. She does not love him and she did not love you.

Like someone already told you, she just wanted a ring on her finger and perhaps to financially secure herself and her kids.

 

The woman is a serial cheater without any moral standards. Why on earth would you need someone that shallow in your life?

 

You have to wonder and have your shrink help you figure out why were you so into someone like her in the first place, and why do these things about her deep character flaws not bothering you? Why are you so desperate to get back with someone like that? Cannot you see that she is just playing you and playing the new guy, and effing behind his back with you and vice versa? She needs security and not love. You are on two different planets. You interpret her words and behaviour as love because you feel that... but word love means different things for different people. Some people never really felt it, even though they think they love the world and that the world loves them. They just don't know that it is all very superficial. Stay away from such people. Their emotional set up is already so screwed up that even if you show them what nobody else could, they will still disappoint you and will stay shallow. Most of the people are like that.