Should i wait or move on

[Curiouswander]

Hey there i just needed advice. So i was dating this girl for a little over two years. We had started dating the last year of highschool, she had moved here from a different state yet we clicked very well. We messed around for months until we realized we basicallly were a couple so we decided to make it official. The first year felt like a dream smooth and exciting. She was supposed to move back home but instead decided to rough it out here alone. I honestly think it was for me. With the first year down the second year started and everything was fine until the last couple months. We both work and go to school full time so we started to let ourselves go i wasnt as confident as before and i took a lot of my built up anger on her. Ill admit the last months i was a sorry excuse for a boyfriend.

I realized we needed to fix this and i told her how i was haveing doubts with us and that i wanted to work it out. A couple months past and nothing seemed to change so i decided to break up with her. I was honestly bored in the relationship but i wanted to make it work. I told her for us to be friends still and we were i saw her constantly. For about a month we were friends with benefits i guess you could say. On occasion we even talked about us i held her in my arms as she cried and asked me to take her back. i froze up unsure of what i really wanted.

Then a week passes by and she tells me we cant have sex anymore i found it strange but she was still here. A week after that she posts pictures of another guy. Ill admit i did not take it well. I went over to her house a couple days later and asked to talk she told me know she had to go somehwere and thats when a whole argument started. She told me this guy might be the "one" and that she wanted me out of her life. She told me she didnt love or care for me anymore and that she was just with me because she was lonely. that hit me pretty hard i wrote her a note and she just threw it away i almost begged her to take me back that i would change the way i was acting but no she went right ahead.

I went into no contact and deleted her off all social media and got out of her life like she said. Not a week later she messges me asking for help getting into her car i went and helped but there wasnt any words spoken besides hi and thank you.

I went back into no contact for a little over a month and went to check up on her at first she didnt respond so i sent another messge pretty much saying i was sorry for how immature i acted and that i appreciated all she did for me in the relationship and that i wish her the best. She responded by telling me she found her happiness and that her and i were just friends but that we had to move on and not to contact her again.

Ill admit i screwed up but after two years and all the tears she can be over me and all about some guy she barley knows? It was two weeks after she cried begging for me back..

I just want to know if you guys think this is a rebound or not its been about 3 months since they have been together. She doesnt have any family here i feel like she wanted someone there and sicne hes seems to be the opposite if me she thinks its love.. but im just not sure whether it is or not all i know is i took her for granted. she was the only girl i have ever even thought about marrying. I just want to know should i move on or wait to see if she realizes this guy isnt the one for her. i just want a second chance... please help

[marky00]

sorry to hear this man.

 

some girls aren't so good when u start having some troubles in your life. same thing happened to me. Some girls (if they really love you) will stick around if they see the potential but quite a few pack up shop when their man gets into a pickle. Sadly they don't want to help fix you and don't have the patience to wait until you fix yourself.

 

It sux believe me I know.

 

Sounds to me like you were a victim of the forced dump. You were struggling for a few months, she watched you drown and didn't offer a life raft (i.e. emotional support or give you the heads up about the situation). This lead to you to stress out more and break it off yourself.

 

So superficially you were the dumper but it sounds like she was on the way out herself and would have dumped u eventually.

 

Ask any woman their no1 demanded quality in their man. Its LEADERSHIP. When you can't lead because your experiencing some personal hardships, this is going to affect your relationship guaranteed.

 

Only bit that's a little odd is the part where she begged for you back. That is a bit weird, considering that she was then gone to a new relationship so soon after.

 

If you guys were older, that sort of thing wouldn't have happened. But when your younger people shake off breakups heaps faster and move on a lot faster. So I suppose its possible.

 

Its a crappy position your in I know. You were probably a bit embarrassed by the fact you couldn't be the great bf you wanted to be so you kind of self-destructed. Don't worry I did that to. Us guys take failures personally (and we love to fix them), we are wired differently to girls who are governed more by emotions.

 

I think your only course of action right now is to stay NC. I think if you can hold it for a couple of months and you never hear from her, that will probably give you your answers.

 

Im sry man but believe me its happened to all of us. I was in a 9 yr LDR and ran into some personal issues that affcted me and the relationship for 2 years (not a couple of months). Im a lot older than you and I lost the girl I wanted to marry to.

 

At your age dont worry man. Beleive me, no relationship when your in your early 20s lasts.. this would have happened either way. Too much changes occur in people in their early 20s.

 

Look after yourself man. Be kind to yourself.

Edited December 11, 2015 by marky00

[Curiouswander]

Sounds to me like you were a victim of the forced dump. You were struggling for a few months, she watched you drown and didn't offer a life raft (i.e. emotional support or give you the heads up about the situation). This lead to you to stress out more and break it off yourself.

 

The thing about it is that she wanted to make it work but i started pushing her away and stopped seeing her as often its not that she didnt want to help its more she didnt know... She has been through alot with me i am young but i also had been in trouble with the law to the point were i was in and out of court and had lost my license she was the only one there for me during those times. I just dont see how after two years someone i loved considered my best friend just goes with the first guy to smooth talk her ive trying to get over her trust me i just havent had any luck and the more i try the more i seem to realize she stood out from all these other girls around me.

[Jax13]

I know this is tough. I'm going through a breakup right now too where I started to take her for granted and not make her feel special even though I had those feelings inside. she started to pull away and instead of us fixing it, which I would have done in a heartbeat, she went and found the attention elsewhere with some douchebag (not just my opinion of him either).

 

 

I don't know if the #1 quality a girl wants is leadership... Some girls, yes. My girl, I think she wanted control and I honestly made a lot of the decisions in the relationship. I probably should have listened to her opinion more and acted as equals... again, something that could have been fixed if I would have known about it before she left.

 

 

Girls want you to make them feel special! That's what I've learned. And just telling her by text isn't good enough. You've gotta show it on a regular basis. I've learned this and would love another shot with my ex but I don't know if I'm going to get it...so I'm deciding to start moving on.

[mightycpa]

A couple months past and nothing seemed to change so i decided to break up with her. I was honestly bored in the relationship but i wanted to make it work.

Let me reorganize your thoughts for you:

A couple months past and nothing seemed to change. I was honestly bored in the relationship but i wanted to make it work, so i decided to break up with her.

I'm not sure what you expected, or if you even thought ahead, but it doesn't take a big leap of imagination to guess that if you let a girl go, somebody else is going to pick up her option.

 

Let that be a lesson to you. If you want to work it out, then stick around and work it out. If you don't, that's when you break up.

 

I don't know if this will console you or not, but from the sound of it, this was just a matter of time. You may not have been the greatest BF in the world, but even if you were, this would not have lasted.

[marky00]

Girls want you to make them feel special! That's what I've learned.

 

Well... to an extent this is true but the trick is how you make them feel special.

 

Telling them how much you appreciate them or love them, giving flowers etc long-term will only make you look clingy. Early days when the love is at a maximum, that kind of stuff may be ok.

 

You make them feel special (long-term) by maintaining your own self-respect and values but giving them your time and valued input on a regular basis.

 

You see when you say you were holding your love in for them, I know exactly what you mean. But I think your sub-couscous deep-down knows telling them how u feel isn't going to cut it. Even showing them how you feel probably isn't going to cut it. What they really want you to do is harness that love and inject back towards yourself... i.e. love yourself.

 

I think self-respect and leadership beats making them feel special but yes not making a woman feel special over time will definitely cause an issue.