smackie9 Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 I know kids are not for everyone, like myself I wouldn't date someone with kids, BUT I find it insulting when anyone is calling them "baggage." 5
Timshel Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 I'm thinking perhaps given that he only has custody on his days off, instead of sending him off to a babysitter during that time, that he purposefully chooses to blend meeting women with spending time with his son. I see platonic friends and their kids all the time. I'm not sure how a first date, which is really a first meeting, is really all that different. Well, you don't have kids, so you can't answer that question yourself. There are different parenting styles that are perfectly healthy for children...although parents will sometimes disagree vehemently within the differing styles. One thing nearly every loving parent will agree, no matter how progressive, is that dating and parenting should remain separate in the early stages at least. It sounds like you don't have a problem with meeting a man with his child tagging along. If you don't have a problem with it dobie, then go ahead. It is not your responsibility to make that decision, as D pointed out, it's the parent's. The only question is if you could become involved with someone who would make that choice.
PrettyEmily77 Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 There are plenty of decent single guys like myself out there who do not have kids and baby mamas. Why don't you find one of them to date? Why would you want to date guys who have this baggage? That makes no sense to me. Because generally, people who are genuine about finding a compatible partner are interested in the person they have met rather than their circumstances on paper. The most decent kids-free guy will not be a match for the single father if a genuine connection is there. OP, it really depends on how much you actually like the guys, all things considered (safety first though, if you're considering the midnight thing). Bringing a kid to the first date might be a little out there for sure, and maybe he has no real intention to actually bring the kid to the date and is just testing you to see how you'd fit in with his set-up, who knows, but whatever the reasons, it all depends on whether you you think there may be something there long term. 1
Redfisher Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 There are plenty of decent single guys like myself out there who do not have kids and baby mamas. Why don't you find one of them to date? Why would you want to date guys who have this baggage? That makes no sense to me. Thats not nice. 3
GemmaUK Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 There are plenty of decent single guys like myself out there who do not have kids and baby mamas. Why don't you find one of them to date? Why would you want to date guys who have this baggage? That makes no sense to me. I'm mid forties, no children but I prefer to date a man with children. I spent 30 years of my life as a carer for my Mum and then my Dad too. A man with children knows how to care. I would rather date someone on the same wavelength s me on that score. Children aren't baggage. Bitterness is baggage IMO. 2
oberkeat Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 There are plenty of decent single guys like myself out there who do not have kids and baby mamas. Why don't you find one of them to date? Why would you want to date guys who have this baggage? That makes no sense to me. Because generally, people who are genuine about finding a compatible partner are interested in the person they have met rather than their circumstances on paper. The most decent kids-free guy will not be a match for the single father if a genuine connection is there. That sounds like a scarcity mindset to me: you're saying there's not a decent single guy out there without kids that OP could feel a spark with? I'll tell you this: I'm not so desperate for a relationship that I would be willing to take on the burden of helping to raise somebody else's kids. I don't care how wonderful or sexy the woman is; kids are a dealbreaker.
Redfisher Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 That sounds like a scarcity mindset to me: you're saying there's not a decent single guy out there without kids that OP could feel a spark with? I'll tell you this: I'm not so desperate for a relationship that I would be willing to take on the burden of helping to raise somebody else's kids. I don't care how wonderful or sexy the woman is; kids are a dealbreaker. I value your opinion, But can I ask if you had a kid and no single girls without kids would date you...Would you be bitching? 1
oberkeat Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 (edited) I value your opinion, But can I ask if you had a kid and no single girls without kids would date you...Would you be bitching? If I was a single parent, I would have the sense to recognize and understand what I'm up against: if your a single father or single mother, not to mention with an ex lurking in the background, you're simply not going to be at the top of most people's lists of dating candidates. That's not reflection on what kind of parent you are. Just the way it is. That goes for men and women. Fortunately, that's not my situation, and it's not OP's situation. As a single woman, she can have her pick of single men. I would think she'd want someone who is at the same place in life that she is, meaning single and no kids. She has no logical reason or obligation to pick a single dad over a decent single male who has never had children. Edited December 11, 2015 by oberkeat
StBreton Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 I know kids are not for everyone, like myself I wouldn't date someone with kids, BUT I find it insulting when anyone is calling them "baggage." Ya because if they were "baggage" their airline tickets would be so much cheaper:laugh: $25 each way in fact OP...I don't think either of these guys would work out in the long run. If you really can't resist though, how about they come and meet you for lunch since they work nights? 1
Author dobielover Posted December 11, 2015 Author Posted December 11, 2015 Ya because if they were "baggage" their airline tickets would be so much cheaper:laugh: $25 each way in fact OP...I don't think either of these guys would work out in the long run. If you really can't resist though, how about they come and meet you for lunch since they work nights? It's hard for me to commit to lunch dates since work can interfere and make me have to cancel last minute. I told them this, and they preferred something more set.
Gaeta Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Hold your horses. Lets say you go to the park with your kids and while you sit on a bench watching your kids and a man start a conversation with you you will raise your hand and say Sorry don't talk to me my children may see me talking to you! They will get traumatized if they see me having a conversation with someone unknown while they play! C'mon guys. Ask him to which park or which macdonald he goes and go chat him up while his kids are busy playing. No need to tell the kids daddy will be talking to a lady or introducing you. You're just a lady at macdonald. My good childhood friend met her husband this way. He had sole custody of his 6 yo. They had a coffee while his son was playing in macdonald's park. They've been together 15 years. No he is not a weirdo. He's a great guy. She hit the jackpot with this one. 2
Author dobielover Posted December 11, 2015 Author Posted December 11, 2015 That sounds like a scarcity mindset to me: you're saying there's not a decent single guy out there without kids that OP could feel a spark with? I'll tell you this: I'm not so desperate for a relationship that I would be willing to take on the burden of helping to raise somebody else's kids. I don't care how wonderful or sexy the woman is; kids are a dealbreaker. I've learned recently that it's wise to never date a man who refers to children as baggage. A decent man doesn't say such things. So you're out of the running. And willingly, or actually seeking out and choosing to date men with children doesn't make me desperate.
PrettyEmily77 Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 That sounds like a scarcity mindset to me: you're saying there's not a decent single guy out there without kids that OP could feel a spark with? I'll tell you this: I'm not so desperate for a relationship that I would be willing to take on the burden of helping to raise somebody else's kids. I don't care how wonderful or sexy the woman is; kids are a dealbreaker. Whatever man, that's your call. I can't say I feel the same way. I'm late 30s, no kids, earn really well and never married, I keep in shape and was in various LTRs with guys who had no kids, have never really been single long and have dated a few guys strictly IRL (never OLD) - guess what, none of them compare favourably to my BF, who has primary custody of two teenage boys. I admire and respect him as a father and as a man, and I feel lucky to have him in my life and honored he's let me into his boys' lives. To each their own I guess...
Gaeta Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 I'm mid forties, no children but I prefer to date a man with children. I spent 30 years of my life as a carer for my Mum and then my Dad too. A man with children knows how to care. I would rather date someone on the same wavelength s me on that score. Children aren't baggage. Bitterness is baggage IMO. Well said. I personally do not date childless men. A man that spent a life time worrying and carrying only for himself isn't the type of character I am looking for. I find it interesting that Daisy-Olivia and oberkeat (both no children) said something along the line that if you date a single mom-dad you will never be a priority. It screams me me me me me doesn't it. I don't ever remember telling myself I want to be a man's priority. I want to be an important aspect of his life, not his whole life. 1
Timshel Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Dating with children and a non-traditional 9-5 schedule can be challenging. If you work swing shift four days a week, and then have custody of your young child the other three days a week, is it reasonable to bring your child on a first online date, and subsequent dates, so that you date on the days you have off? Alternatively, same schedule, is it reasonable to suggest the date, and likely future dates, start when you get off work, thus starting at or after midnight? Two different guys coincidentally share a similar schedule as described above, each presented me with their option for availability. I'd like to hear your thoughts on what they proposed. Hold your horses. Lets say you go to the park with your kids and while you sit on a bench watching your kids and a man start a conversation with you you will raise your hand and say Sorry don't talk to me my children may see me talking to you! They will get traumatized if they see me having a conversation with someone unknown while they play! C'mon guys. Ask him to which park or which macdonald he goes and go chat him up while his kids are busy playing. No need to tell the kids daddy will be talking to a lady or introducing you. You're just a lady at macdonald. My good childhood friend met her husband this way. He had sole custody of his 6 yo. They had a coffee while his son was playing in macdonald's park. They've been together 15 years. No he is not a weirdo. He's a great guy. She hit the jackpot with this one. Gaeta, the situation you present is generic. OP's is not....
Redfisher Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 If I was a single parent, I would have the sense to recognize and understand what I'm up against: if your a single father or single mother, not to mention with an ex lurking in the background, you're simply not going to be at the top of most people's lists of dating candidates. That's not reflection on what kind of parent you are. Just the way it is. That goes for men and women. Fortunately, that's not my situation, and it's not OP's situation. As a single woman, she can have her pick of single men. I would think she'd want someone who is at the same place in life that she is, meaning single and no kids. She has no logical reason or obligation to pick a single dad over a decent single male who has never had children. I am both of these, And I went on POF had 12 dates the first month and settled on the one I thought was the best fit and its going great. Mind you im 41 and the women where 30 to 37 some had kids some didnt.. Got laid all but one time... Results may vary...
Redfisher Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Hold your horses. Lets say you go to the park with your kids and while you sit on a bench watching your kids and a man start a conversation with you you will raise your hand and say Sorry don't talk to me my children may see me talking to you! They will get traumatized if they see me having a conversation with someone unknown while they play! C'mon guys. Ask him to which park or which macdonald he goes and go chat him up while his kids are busy playing. No need to tell the kids daddy will be talking to a lady or introducing you. You're just a lady at macdonald. My good childhood friend met her husband this way. He had sole custody of his 6 yo. They had a coffee while his son was playing in macdonald's park. They've been together 15 years. No he is not a weirdo. He's a great guy. She hit the jackpot with this one. Not the same....by a long shot.
Blanco Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 That sounds like a scarcity mindset to me: you're saying there's not a decent single guy out there without kids that OP could feel a spark with? I'll tell you this: I'm not so desperate for a relationship that I would be willing to take on the burden of helping to raise somebody else's kids. I don't care how wonderful or sexy the woman is; kids are a dealbreaker. Many years ago, I got involved with a single mother. I expected nothing to come of it and got into it assuming we'd have some fun, spend some time together, and then go our separate ways. I didn't see her kids as deal-breakers, but I knew that any actual relationship with this woman would be complicated by them by the sheer logistics of having children. Let me tell you what happened. We wound up together for three years. We ended up living together, and I, a guy who had had few responsibilities in my life, became a surrogate father to those kids. As time went on and the relationship deteriorated, it was my love for those two children that kept me there. Those kids, as much work as they could be, taught me so much about myself; about compassion within me that I didn't know I had; they taught me what it was like to care and love and be proud of a young, innocent life. Many days, spending time with her young son was the best part of my day. When life felt like it was crumbling around me, her son could always put a smile on my face with a silly comment or simply his sheer enthusiasm for life. It's been a year since that relationship ended. I don't really miss the woman. I still ache about being out of the kids' lives, though. To go from watching nearly every development over three years to not even knowing what they look like now has been the most devastating experience of my life. I haven't cried once about the death of my relationship with their mother, yet I've shed many tears and experienced the first panic attacks of my life because of the loss of this kids in my life. It feels cruel that the demise of my relationship with their mother necessitated the demise of my relationship with them. I never really thought seriously about marriage with this woman, and yet I could see myself about watching these kids grow into well-rounded young people with their own sets of interests and talents. Knowing that I'll never have those experiences with these kids is what has made the healing process of this breakup so difficult. I say all of this because, while I've felt unbelievable agony this year, I wouldn't ago back and change my decision to get involved with her. These children changed my life in a way that few people do over the course of one's lifetime. Had I maintained the blanket assumption that single mothers are somehow unworthy of my attention simply because I don't have kids and they do, I would've missed out on this awakening. You talk a lot about what makes a "real man." Not shying away from a relationship with someone simply because they have children is more manly than any of the nonsense bedroom BS you conflate with being a "real man." I was a naive man-child before I met that woman. I came out the other end a man with a lot of things; one of those being the knowledge that I had enhanced the lives of two young, fatherless children, and done everything I could to treat and care for them as if they were my own. Those kids were a lot of work, but a burden? Baggage? No god damn way. And I didn't do any of this out of some desperate scarcity mentality. 2
Cristoforo Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Sorry but its not a date if a guy brings his kid. And any guy that would do that is ridiculous in my book. You shouldn't be dating if you aren't able to make arrangements to have someone watch your kid while you date.
Author dobielover Posted December 28, 2015 Author Posted December 28, 2015 Well, I went out with both of them. One with his kid well before this thread, and the other without his kid just after this thread. I guess the first dates aren't so much dates as meet ups, anyway. I'm still seeing the one with the kid. 1
Buddhist Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 (edited) And this is why I don't date people with children. Nice stories and all that aside, I have my own small person relation (nephew) and seriously it's not a big deal or a massive enhancement to my life. Some people just aren't meant to be parents, I'm one of them. So I choose not to involve myself in the lives of little people. Edited December 28, 2015 by Buddhist
Buddhist Posted December 28, 2015 Posted December 28, 2015 Well said. I personally do not date childless men. A man that spent a life time worrying and carrying only for himself isn't the type of character I am looking for. I find it interesting that Daisy-Olivia and oberkeat (both no children) said something along the line that if you date a single mom-dad you will never be a priority. It screams me me me me me doesn't it. I don't ever remember telling myself I want to be a man's priority. I want to be an important aspect of his life, not his whole life. Can we please calm down the histrionics here? Seriously this attitude is just as judgemental and bad as the ones calling kids baggage. It's just the opposite extreme, if you don't have or love children or make them a priority in your life then you lack character and are selfish... Please. People are allowed to have preferences and choices in life. Childless people aren't automatically psychopaths and narcissists because they fail to dedicate their lives to children.
Recommended Posts