Sunshine2016 Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Hello All, Would really like your opinion on an issue. I had a painful experience recently a guy I had been seeing for several months suddenly changed after having sex for the first time. We were still in contact after the fact but when ever I suggested meeting up, he always came up with excuses about how busy he was etc yet consistently denied that there was any issue between us, made it seem like he was genuinely overwhelmed by some work transaction and that we were good ie he wasn't avoiding me but he was simply legitimately busy. So I decided to go NC which I've been implementing to date in a bid to move on. I'm no longer in possession of the phone which he used to reach me on so I have no idea if he's contacted me since I disappeared). The signs were there that he was not a suitable person for me ( I would like a serious rship) but he made me believe that there was a shot for us so I ignored the subtle signs. I resisted sex for a while but finally succumbed after a lot of consistent pressure from him making me feel like my refusal to have sex was preventing us from exploring what could be between us. As you can imagine, the experience battered my sense of self worth which was already fractured. Nobody, in my 28 years of dating had ever treated me this way. I've had some heartbreaks and I've also broken hearts, but never been treated in this manner, like a piece of meat. It made me feel worthless and used. I've since learnt a great deal from the experience, also read some self help books and started work on my self confidence. Now, I met someone recently and he's the opposite of the guy I was seeing . I don't know what the future holds but he's at the very least shown me what I deserve and the way I should I be treated. He's caring, mature , attentive, kind and seems genuine but I'm being very careful. He's been nothing but lovely to me but I know it's early days so mu heart is still sealed ( self protective/ preservation measures). The problem however is that memories of my recent incident with the former guy I was seeing are now haunting me. I'm beginning to question if I deserve to be treated in such a kind way ie the way the new guy treats me. I feel ashamed about the fact that the guy I was seeing treated and discarded me in the manner he did. I've been saying to myself "well if that other guy didn't see anything of value in you and just wanted sex, you don't deserve to be treated respectfully and lovingly by this new guy ". I don't know how to deal with these thoughts and they're beginning to weigh me down. I try to tell myself that my ex's actions were merely a reflection of his character but it only gives me comfort for a few minutes. Would really appreciate some words of wisdom and advice. Thanks for reading.
lilmissjava Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Perhaps you should seek some counseling. It will help you rediscover yourself in a way that will allow you to move forward in your quest for a relationship. Take a break for now and focus on you. 2
Author Sunshine2016 Posted December 11, 2015 Author Posted December 11, 2015 Perhaps you should seek some counseling. It will help you rediscover yourself in a way that will allow you to move forward in your quest for a relationship. Take a break for now and focus on you. Thank you so much for your response. I'd love to undergo counseling but for unfortunately I'm presently in a region with little or no access to a trained psychologist on relationship issues. I've established contact with a psychiatrist but his area of specialism is depression and other mental illnesses. It's one of the reasons why loveshack has been so beneficial to me. There's a book I've been reading about attachment personalities which has really taught me a great deal about myself, it was written by some renowned psychologists. I can only imagine how useful counseling would be ...
Redhead14 Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Hello All, Would really like your opinion on an issue. I had a painful experience recently a guy I had been seeing for several months suddenly changed after having sex for the first time. We were still in contact after the fact but when ever I suggested meeting up, he always came up with excuses about how busy he was etc yet consistently denied that there was any issue between us, made it seem like he was genuinely overwhelmed by some work transaction and that we were good ie he wasn't avoiding me but he was simply legitimately busy. So I decided to go NC which I've been implementing to date in a bid to move on. I'm no longer in possession of the phone which he used to reach me on so I have no idea if he's contacted me since I disappeared). The signs were there that he was not a suitable person for me ( I would like a serious rship) but he made me believe that there was a shot for us so I ignored the subtle signs. I resisted sex for a while but finally succumbed after a lot of consistent pressure from him making me feel like my refusal to have sex was preventing us from exploring what could be between us. As you can imagine, the experience battered my sense of self worth which was already fractured. Nobody, in my 28 years of dating had ever treated me this way. I've had some heartbreaks and I've also broken hearts, but never been treated in this manner, like a piece of meat. It made me feel worthless and used. I've since learnt a great deal from the experience, also read some self help books and started work on my self confidence. Now, I met someone recently and he's the opposite of the guy I was seeing . I don't know what the future holds but he's at the very least shown me what I deserve and the way I should I be treated. He's caring, mature , attentive, kind and seems genuine but I'm being very careful. He's been nothing but lovely to me but I know it's early days so mu heart is still sealed ( self protective/ preservation measures). The problem however is that memories of my recent incident with the former guy I was seeing are now haunting me. I'm beginning to question if I deserve to be treated in such a kind way ie the way the new guy treats me. I feel ashamed about the fact that the guy I was seeing treated and discarded me in the manner he did. I've been saying to myself "well if that other guy didn't see anything of value in you and just wanted sex, you don't deserve to be treated respectfully and lovingly by this new guy ". I don't know how to deal with these thoughts and they're beginning to weigh me down. I try to tell myself that my ex's actions were merely a reflection of his character but it only gives me comfort for a few minutes. Would really appreciate some words of wisdom and advice. Thanks for reading. Some guys are very patient. Not only that, sex sometimes makes people pull away because they are a little overwhelmed and they compensate by pulling away and at some point, usually, soon they kinda come back to the middle. When that happens, you give them the space they need and, if the connection is still good enough for them, they will come back in a couple of days and usually a little stronger. You wouldn't be able to know that would have happened with this guy because I'm guessing you kept reaching out to him for a bit when you noticed the pull away which would actually push him farther away. Then you went, no contact. So, you'll never know with this one. In the end, though, it doesn't matter, he just wasn't the guy for you. How do you leave it behind? You stop thinking about it. You focus on the here and now and the person you are dating and see them for who they are. If they aren't meeting your early dating needs, you move on. If there is enough there to keep your interest, you simply be responsive/receptive for a while and let them come to you. If you don't want to have sex, don't have sex. However, a woman should always assume that sex with someone will be a one-night stand until they demonstrate otherwise. In other words, you observe whether they keep up with good communication and setting up dates. If there is a little blip afterward, say a couple of days, you sit back and see what happens. If a few days go by and they don't reach out, you keep waiting. When/if they do come back, you decide whether or not you are still interested and make a decision about whether to continue seeing them. When you first start dating someone, make sure you're both on the same page about dating goals as well. You might not be able to say at that point that a dating scenario will unfold with that person at that point, but just make sure you both want the same thing in general. Then observe how they date you.
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