Told a girl she sucked in bed, now im paying for it. What is the best path?

[elronwood1]

Going to make this as condensed as possible, so going to bullet point!

* Met 3 months ago in another country. Spent 4 weeks together n were bf/gf

* Factime every day until i left my country to come see her

* She is moving to my country in 3 months

 

So i get to Australia to see her. She is really excited to see me, more excited than me. I have been having extreme mental issues from sex. I'm convinced im going to have issues maintaining an erection so im consistently pushing her off in bed.

A week ago i blow up and tell her she is bad in bed, she just lays there, i'm sick of having sex with her.

She storms out of the room. I text her she comes back 3 hours later and we make up. I explain that i just said that because i was having so much anxiety and was scared of the sex part. We have sex twice, and its all good.

 

The next day we are ok and then i question where she actually went for 3 hours. She blows up, wont talk to me.

We are walking around not talking and she says she wants to stay put while i wander off. I storm off and get a cab. Dont call her for 4 hours.

 

We head to the airport. I do everything i can to make her feel better, win her over. We get on the plane and we have made up. THEN

I have had 7 beers at this point and we get into another argument.

 

We head to get our bags and i storm off as quick as i can. We meet at baggage, sort it out. Get in the car. Get a hotel and go to bed.

 

In the morning we have sex and from what i can see made up.

 

So........

That day she texts me an says she is exhausted and needs a night apart. We do that.

I text her the day after saying i miss her, care about her. Am here when she wants to talk. She says i can come back to hers if i want.

 

I meet her and we go back to hers. Its very awkward. We get into bed and i give her a really heartfelt apology for everything. Tell her how wound up i was because of the anxiety i was experiencing, realise how much ive hurt her and really want to jus make it work.

She says she feels weird about the whole thing now and doesnt know what to do. Wants to go back to how it was before on holiday, take baby steps. I say i understand n we go to sleep.

 

The next day she goes to work. I get up and go shopping, cook, make cocktails. Put as much effort in as i can. She comes home, we talk. Its awkward. We go to bed, we dont touch. She stil has the look like she doesnt really want me there.

 

The next few days we hang out and gradually get back to being friends hanging out, but she is still keeping me in a friends position and i dont know if she wants me there or not. Im doing my best to be patient and understanding and dont ask her for anything, just be there.

3 days pass and on the last night we end up having sex. She comes. She gets back into bed, i think great. I go to put my hands on her n its clear that isnt going to happen. And then

 

I tell her il go stay with my friend tomorrow and she should meet me Sat night, ill get a hotel. She says that is fine. I feel like we are getting somewhere.

 

She dropped me off this morning and i said i'll see you saturday and she looks at me and says "probably...." I say "probably?" and shes like yea, ill have to see. I get out and get my bag and leave.

 

I have NO CLUE what to do now. It was totally out of the ordinary for me to blow up so much when i did. She knows this. I had been on a flight for 24 hours, hadnt slept for 2 nights and was drunk. I've tried everything i can to make her trust me again but im just sitting here not knowing what is going on.

 

Shall i text her tomorrow and see if she wants to meet up?

Shall i let her know i think she needs space and i'll give it to her

Shall i go complete NC? I 100% believe in no contact, but it doesnt feel like this is over. I dont want her to think im over reacting.

 

I really want to make it work. And if not, to move on. I know i hve broken her trust, she probaly thinks im a different person to who she was in love with before, and i feel me being there this week has NOT helped her get over those feelings. And she needs to if we can make it work.

 

So what should i do?

[bluefeather]

Be romantic.

Be loving.

Be kind.

Be trusting.

Be truthful.

 

Be a man.

 

That is what you should do.

[Silver_star]

Look... Have you ever been rejected by a girl you sort of liked when you asked her out on a date?

That probably stings a bit right?

 

Have you ever been rejected by someone who you were pretty sure already cared about you, enough to go to their country and talk every day? And then be insulted and humiliated by them telling you that they don't find you attractive enough/ good enough in bed?

Ouch.

 

That's what you did to her. You hurt her quite a lot. That's not easy to come back from but I would start with reiterating that YOU are the one with the mental issues about sex. It had nothing to do with her and that you wished you didn't behave the way you did. Apologize sincerely for acting that way, whether or not you can get her back because that was a dick move.

[Samhain]

Maybe it's an alarm to her that you explode and blame her for your own shortcomings and she doesn't want to risk a long term future with someone who behaves that way.

[mtnbiker3000]

Sounds like you hit the sauce pretty good. Maybe cut back a bit???

[elronwood1]

Maybe it's an alarm to her that you explode and blame her for your own shortcomings and she doesn't want to risk a long term future with someone who behaves that way.

 

That is 100% what it is. And i feel awful, awful about it. I know i can blow up easily and i ****ed up. I know how much i hurt her and how awful it was, and i've told her how sorry i am.

She told me last week she was confused but i could come stay with her. I feel like she is still angry and worried but a part of her doesn't want to give up on the whole thing yet. It would be really huge to break up and not try again after i've travelled so far and we committed so much.

 

She just posted that she is playing a show tomorrow 2 and a half hours away. So i guess the Saturday night thing wasn't going to happen anyway.

I was going to text her tomorrow saying good luck with the show, I'm going to give her some space because i care about her and i know how much i screwed up. We have some mutual friends in town that she, i know would like to see. So i was going to say

 

"Good luck with your show tonight. Wish i could be there but i feel like you deserve some space. I really feel awful for how i spoke to you. Our sex is amazing. You are amazing. I jus wound myself up so much because of my own shortcomings and took it out on you. Hopefully you know that after knowing me for so long. I saw H and E last night n they said they would love to hang out. Maybe we can do that sometime when you have a free night"

 

Am i projecting the right things there or being too desperate? Or should i jus say can i come to the show? Or do something awful like turn up with flowers

[elronwood1]

Sounds like you hit the sauce pretty good. Maybe cut back a bit???

Honestly I'm a happy drunk but i don't know if you've experienced jet lag. When you drink and you've been on a plane for 24 hours its like being delirious you have no clue whats going on

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe it's an alarm to her that you explode and blame her for your own shortcomings and she doesn't want to risk a long term future with someone who behaves that way.

 

This.

 

OP, you need to get control of yourself. I had an ex who exploded like that and it dramatically changed my perception of him. It also hurt my self-esteem a lot. That is verbal abuse and you need to figure out why you do it, and how you're going to correct your behaviour in the future. Text her the apology if you want but don't just show up.

[elronwood1]

Yea I get that 100%. What happened with your ex?

Why do you think she has been with me all week then, is she trying her best to rebuild some trust?

This morning when she said "probably" I was really hurt. Because we had sex n she's just ignored me ever since. I'm worried now it looked rude when I walked off. I didn't say anything. I just nodded and got my bag and left. I just hope she doesn't think I stormed off again

[elronwood1]

Update:

So last time we spoke the morning she was saying she would probably hang out tomorrow night after telling me she would.

Just seen her posting on her socials about her gig tomorrow night. She's been liking the venues stuff and I know she knew that she was playing this the whole week.

I'm pretty distraught. Iv tried evrything I can but I feel like she just wanted to get me out of her house n lied to me to make that happen

My female friend says she's hurt and sees me as a stranger so u have to win her over but no idea how anymore

To me that's a really harsh thing. Why not be honest about everything n tell me what's going on

I just want to know where I am. I get she's upset but what can I do from here?

[Amelie1980]

Maybe it's an alarm to her that you explode and blame her for your own shortcomings and she doesn't want to risk a long term future with someone who behaves that way.

 

Yes. If you behave this way after 3 months....in 3 years how will you be?

[marky00]

I did a 9 yr LDR between Australia and Thailand.

 

In the early years, I sometimes had high expectations. Like after spending 1.5k to get on a flight and set aside 2 weeks for a holiday.... I would somtimes get upset when she was just busy with her day-t-day stuff rather than spend time with me.

 

Looking back..... if I was happier in my own skin, I dont think her behaviour would have annoyed me as much. Yes, she should have been there more for me, considering those trips were only once evry 6 months.

 

My advise to you would be make urself happy in your own skin. Its not her job to do that. If a girl picks up ur using her to make u feel better with yourself, she will run away miles and miles I promise.

[Cherryz]

How old are you guys?

Sounds very young.

 

The way you behaved sound very hurtful.

I think she still hurt ofcorse. And you guys figth every 3/4 hours and try to forget and get over everything in 3 seconds.

 

Its not realistic. Its to much on each other. I think the best thing is to

break up or at least give each other space a while.

Maybe this is not a match.

And you both know it but try to stay because of afraid to feel the hurt of breaking up or missing each other.

 

After, get help for your sex issue. Not for her but For your own good. Talk to a therapist.

Cause sex is a moment were people get more open and kind of vulnerable to each other, and to say to someone hard stuff like that right after sex specially is not something you get over it rigth away.

And if its a issue you have, it will come up with anyone you get in bed with.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yea I get that 100%. What happened with your ex?

Why do you think she has been with me all week then, is she trying her best to rebuild some trust?

This morning when she said "probably" I was really hurt. Because we had sex n she's just ignored me ever since. I'm worried now it looked rude when I walked off. I didn't say anything. I just nodded and got my bag and left. I just hope she doesn't think I stormed off again

 

She probably is having trouble reconciling your nasty insults with the side she likes about you. It's very confusing and she's processing this other side of you. That's what I went through with my ex, anyway.

 

All you can do is give her space. In my case, the insults were too much and indicated my ex had underlying anger problems and I wanted no part of it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

It's one thing to blow up in anger and it's another thing do it AND tell your girlfriend she sucks in bed!

 

Ridiculous.

 

How would YOU feel if someone slapped you with that insult? How quickly would you bounce back from hearing your LD girlfriend yell that at you?

 

Women can probably forgive the first behavior and chalk it up to jet lag or nerves but to take such VERY personal swing like that is just cruel and unforgivable. Talk about f*cking with her head.

 

Honestly OP, I'm not sure there is much you can do at this point except make your sincere apologies and give her the space and time.

 

I agree, if you're already behaving like this at 3 months, she's probably questioning how things will be and what other insults you'll hurl at her 3 years from now.

 

Not cool.

[elronwood1]

I know how much I messed up but that was in a 24 hour period and just not my normal self. The whole sex anxiety meant I would rather do anything, say anything Han have sex.

I got scared, i hadn't had feelings like I have with her before and I panicked. I built up a wall and was scared and pushed her away.

Lots of things happened. I have no idea why I said Those thugs. Our sex life was great

When we had sex last night she was putting lots more effort in. She hasn't ended it so I can only hope we can work through this. I'm just confused as to how to approach it

With kid gloves for sure

[Michelle ma Belle]

Of course she put more effort into it. She'd be stupid not to with a comment like the one you threw in her face.

 

The problem here is how sustainable is all of this for her AND you? Is she only "acting" more enthusiastic in bed for fear of being accused again of being bad in bed? Or has she really come to realize she needs to make more of an effort? And how long can you go on treating her with kit gloves and watching your p's and q's? The whole thing is precarious. This isn't something you can take back.

 

Regardless, it's going to mess with her head for a long while and even turn into resentment if you're not careful. Women are like elephants when it comes to things like this.

[dreamingoftigers]

Of course she put more effort into it. She'd be stupid not to with a comment like the one you threw in her face.

 

The problem here is how sustainable is all of this for her AND you? Is she only "acting" more enthusiastic in bed for fear of being accused again of being bad in bed? Or has she really come to realize she needs to make more of an effort? And how long can you go on treating her with kit gloves and watching your p's and q's? The whole thing is precarious. This isn't something you can take back.

 

Regardless, it's going to mess with her head for a long while and even turn into resentment if you're not careful. Women are like elephants when it comes to things like this.

 

I think you are pretty screwed here OP.

 

Honestly, if a guy said THAT to me, I would HAVE TO eject him. I would probably just ghost on him in that circumstance. I wouldn't want to hear any lame apologies or blame-shifting.

 

NOT AT ALL how you deal with intimacy issues or insecurity. In fact, I would say it classified as verbal abuse. And yes, it will burn into her head even if she acts like, "oh its no big thing."

 

I think you have deeper issues with your own feelings and how you cope with things. Seek counseling.

[SpiralOut]

There will be lots of moments in life where you're tired, or stressed out, or don't feel like yourself. The way people act while under stress says a lot about who they are. She probably doesn't want to be with someone who insults her whenever he's in a bad mood.

 

 

If you're lucky, she'll forgive you eventually. If she doesn't, then take it as a lesson learned. Either way, you should learn how to deal with your feelings.

[mightycpa]

What is the best path? The best path is to figure out WTF is wrong with you that you would blow up at people and verbally abuse them. You are out of control, and you need to take the long view and fix that **** first.

[frigginlost]

I know how much I messed up but that was in a 24 hour period and just not my normal self. The whole sex anxiety meant I would rather do anything, say anything Han have sex.

 

Okay, you say you know how much you screwed up (this is good) then you use the biggest no-no word in the world regarding self responsibility: "but".

 

You're really not looking deeper in to why you said such a horrible thing. You are looking to justify instead of understand. That's huge and will do nothing to keep it from happening again.

 

"Sweetheart, I just had an extremely rough 24 hours and I'm just not into it tonight. Believe me, I would be all over you right now if that was not the case", is how a normal reaction would have been put forth to a partner.

 

Telling her she sucks in bed is just f*cking cruel. Flip sides for a second and think about how you would feel if she was "tired and had anxiety" and reacted by pointing at your d*ck, laughing and saying you suck in bed. You think you could bury that in 3 days or 3 months? You went nuclear on her by telling her what you did, and you can be damn sure she is not going to forget it. You can bet if things work out with you guys she is going to throw that in your face for a while, and she is going to test your limits on trying to piss you off.

 

Kid gloves are not the only thing you are going to have to use. You are going to have to prove (for a while) that you truly understand what you did.

 

Honestly, I hope you do everything right and it all works out with you guys because the upside is that you are going to learn a ton about yourself.

 

Best of luck to you!

[cichlid]

We head to the airport. I do everything i can to make her feel better, win her over. We get on the plane and we have made up. THEN

I have had 7 beers at this point and we get into another argument.

 

You're doing everything you can to make her feel better- how exactly are you going to accomplish that by drinking 7 beers? Did she know you have a drinking problem?

 

In her mind, she was all excited to see you, and as soon as you got there everything went south because you were "having a bad 24 hours".

 

As far as she's concerned, this is how you are all the time, what she got to compare it with?

 

You've given her very little reason to stay with her. I'm hardpressed to find ANY reason.

[elronwood1]

7 beers is not a drinking problem. We got back together

[CarrieT]

With all due respect, seven beers *is* a drinking problem!

[Chronotrgr]

There are more than enough fish in the sea, why should she settle for a fish that tells her she's a bad shag?, you need to get a hold of yourself, if you want any kind of successful relationship you gotta lie through your fookin teeth and keep that shet to yourself.