He Dumped Me (He Has Serious Issues, Also) and is Now Pursuing Me Again at Work

[morgala]

First of all, I believe I know the correct course of action, but if I have people reinforcing that here, it'll make me stay the course. I just need someone else's perspective on this since I feel like I'm nowhere near the point where I can see things clearly and logically. Some part of me can, or I wouldn't be here, but, I digress--I just need people who talk to and who can offer advice so I can weather this storm.

 

I apologize in advance, but this is going to be a long, convoluted post.

 

Approximately three months ago, a coworker of mine began flirting with me. We ended up dating (a huge mistake, I know) for six weeks, and we had seen each other almost five times a week from week two onward.

 

There were many red flags, but I'm not very experienced in dating due to postponing looking for a relationship until I finished school and had obtained a job, and so I naively overlooked them. For one, he lives with a female roommate who is young, attractive, and clearly interested in him. He assured me he wasn't interested in dating her, and I suppose I wanted to believe him at that time, so I overlooked it.

 

A couple of weeks later, he told me that he had found out he had a treatable STD. We hadn't slept together as I don't do that until I've seen an STD test (that is clean) and until I'm sure we're going to stay together for at least a while. Then I found out he had been sleeping with a married woman from our office. I told him how messed up that is, and he agreed and sought counseling.

 

After learning about his STD, I backed off for a few days because he had been pressuring me to sleep with him, and I couldn't help but to wonder if he had known he had this STD longer than he had told me he did (his timeline for events didn't quite add up), in which case, he would have knowingly jeopardized my health. I told him if he wanted to stay with me, I would need to see his STD test papers after his treatment and recovery had concluded, and he would have to stay in counseling since he believes he has compulsion issues, hence sleeping with people he "isn't even attracted to." His words.

 

Fast forward a few days, and he phones me while I'm driving home from work. He says some truly vile things to me, including he has "no idea" why he likes me and that I should go date another guy. He knows I really don't like my job at the moment, and he insulted my work and said I didn't deserve a decent office (what the hell?), and that it should go to someone more deserving. He also said he wouldn't miss kissing me if he didn't see me for a while (yes, he said that without any other context). When I asked him why he'd say such awful things to me (we had never fought and I was always doing things for him and taking care of him no matter what time of day it was), he said, angrily, that I overthink everything.

 

After this call, which left me in tears, he texts me and says he did "not wish to pursue things further at this time" (yes, those exact words) and that he had another date lined up. He then bizarrely adds that he'd still like to have me over to "cuddle" with him, though. So case closed. I didn't go crazy or beg him. I was livid, actually. I told him to leave me alone and not to speak to me again. I didn't deserve this kind of treatment, and I knew it.

 

At work a few days later, he began walking by my office even though I work on another floor, and he started texting me and IMing me saying that it was "hurting" him that I would ignore him. He then said that he didn't mean what he'd said. In fact, he didn't REMEMBER saying any of the things I told him he'd said. (Suuuure.) He said he is a commitment phobe (I believe that part) and felt like he was getting too close to me, so he tried to push me away. He then again said he doesn't want to date me, but he just wants to be friends--not even considering the fact I still had feelings for him. He "needs" me as a friend. Oh, and he incidentally adds, "I know you don't care, but I canceled my date." If you don't want to date me, why should I care? I just didn't answer that part.

 

Eventually, I told him for the sake of my sanity, and since we have to work together, I would maintain a professional relationship with him, but that is all. I started dating other people after this.

 

Three weeks later (or yesterday, rather), he asks me if I'll talk to him on our lunch break (not at the office, of course, as I would not do something so unprofessional). I never should have done it, but I did. He told me he misses me, and he asked in a ridiculously clueless manner why I no longer "take care" of him, and that he misses that. He made no mention of the fact that he broke up with me, but he thought I was only upset with him because of the nasty comment he made about my work (really?). He said he was sorry for that. He also callously threw out there that he would someday "date a woman with children." I have no children. This made me sick to my stomach, but I tried not to show it.

 

He then asks me to come over to his place that night. I said I wouldn't. I told him that he broke things off with me, in case he doesn't remember (sarcasm), and that I have been dating since he told me not once, but twice, that he was done with me. Suddenly, he asks me if I still want to date him. I was shutting down at this point because I was upset, so the only answer I had was that, no, we couldn't date again, and that I was dating other people so I could move on. He said that's fine, but remember he's "laid back" about "these things," whatever that means.

 

There were a lot of things I wanted to say, but I was reeling and couldn't find the words, I guess. I'm sure he does realize how much he hurt me, so there's no point in asking.

 

I know I need to tell him to keep his distance, or maybe I should just start ignoring him because the attention he's giving me is KILLING me (yes, that sounds melodramatic, but I was crying again tonight after seeing he had posted a picture of his roommate holding his hand [on Facebook]), and I know that, being the type of person he is, he's probably sleeping with his roommate as we speak. He still maintains she's just his "friend." Yeah.

 

Yes, I'm ashamed to admit I'm a grown woman. He's no kid, either. I know I need to move on, but yesterday I realized I wasn't completely over him, and I felt really hurt all over again. I guess I just want some validation (or differing advice, if you have that) because he's trying to play the guilt card, and he knows that I'm a soft touch in that respect. I'm almost tempted to leave for another job because he's stressing me out a lot.

Edited December 11, 2015 by morgala

[Tayla]

sorry that this chap hasn't respected your NO!

so put it in action.

Keep your head up and moving forward. You are the landlord of your thinking, you can kick him out any time you wish. Stop renting space in your head for him to creep into.

Your heart is another matter. love yourself more then the guilt he delves out.

[lilmissjava]

Toxic toxic toxic.

 

Stay away from this man and do not respond to any communication other than work, and even then, if it has nothing to do with your role, don't entertain him.

 

I see a bad ending if you don't pick yourself up, stop looking at his social media and move on.

 

You don't need to deal with the kind of issues he has because it won't be nice. Emotional and mental abuse is written on the wall here.

 

You know what to do.

[mrldii]

First of all, I believe I know the correct course of action, but if I have people reinforcing that here, it'll make me stay the course. I just need someone else's perspective on this since I feel like I'm nowhere near the point where I can see things clearly and logically. Some part of me can, or I wouldn't be here, but, I digress--I just need people who talk to and who can offer advice so I can weather this storm.

 

I apologize in advance, but this is going to be a long, convoluted post.

 

Approximately three months ago, a coworker of mine began flirting with me. We ended up dating (a huge mistake, I know) for six weeks, and we had seen each other almost five times a week from week two onward.

 

There were many red flags, but I'm not very experienced in dating due to postponing looking for a relationship until I finished school and had obtained a job, and so I naively overlooked them. For one, he lives with a female roommate who is young, attractive, and clearly interested in him. He assured me he wasn't interested in dating her, and I suppose I wanted to believe him at that time, so I overlooked it.

 

A couple of weeks later, he told me that he had found out he had a treatable STD. We hadn't slept together as I don't do that until I've seen an STD test (that is clean) and until I'm sure we're going to stay together for at least a while. Then I found out he had been sleeping with a married woman from our office. I told him how messed up that is, and he agreed and sought counseling.

 

After learning about his STD, I backed off for a few days because he had been pressuring me to sleep with him, and I couldn't help but to wonder if he had known he had this STD longer than he had told me he did (his timeline for events didn't quite add up), in which case, he would have knowingly jeopardized my health. I told him if he wanted to stay with me, I would need to see his STD test papers after his treatment and recovery had concluded, and he would have to stay in counseling since he believes he has compulsion issues, hence sleeping with people he "isn't even attracted to." His words.

 

Fast forward a few days, and he phones me while I'm driving home from work. He says some truly vile things to me, including he has "no idea" why he likes me and that I should go date another guy. He knows I really don't like my job at the moment, and he insulted my work and said I didn't deserve a decent office (what the hell?), and that it should go to someone more deserving. He also said he wouldn't miss kissing me if he didn't see me for a while (yes, he said that without any other context). When I asked him why he'd say such awful things to me (we had never fought and I was always doing things for him and taking care of him no matter what time of day it was), he said, angrily, that I overthink everything.

After this call, which left me in tears, he texts me and says he did "not wish to pursue things further at this time" (yes, those exact words) and that he had another date lined up. He then bizarrely adds that he'd still like to have me over to "cuddle" with him, though. So case closed. I didn't go crazy or beg him. I was livid, actually. I told him to leave me alone and not to speak to me again. I didn't deserve this kind of treatment, and I knew it.

 

At work a few days later, he began walking by my office even though I work on another floor, and he started texting me and IMing me saying that it was "hurting" him that I would ignore him. He then said that he didn't mean what he'd said. In fact, he didn't REMEMBER saying any of the things I told him he'd said. (Suuuure.) He said he is a commitment phobe (I believe that part) and felt like he was getting too close to me, so he tried to push me away. He then again said he doesn't want to date me, but he just wants to be friends--not even considering the fact I still had feelings for him. He "needs" me as a friend. Oh, and he incidentally adds, "I know you don't care, but I canceled my date." If you don't want to date me, why should I care? I just didn't answer that part.

 

Eventually, I told him for the sake of my sanity, and since we have to work together, I would maintain a professional relationship with him, but that is all. I started dating other people after this.

 

Three weeks later (or yesterday, rather), he asks me if I'll talk to him on our lunch break (not at the office, of course, as I would not do something so unprofessional). I never should have done it, but I did. He told me he misses me, and he asked in a ridiculously clueless manner why I no longer "take care" of him, and that he misses that. He made no mention of the fact that he broke up with me, but he thought I was only upset with him because of the nasty comment he made about my work (really?). He said he was sorry for that. He also callously threw out there that he would someday "date a woman with children." I have no children. This made me sick to my stomach, but I tried not to show it.

 

He then asks me to come over to his place that night. I said I wouldn't. I told him that he broke things off with me, in case he doesn't remember (sarcasm), and that I have been dating since he told me not once, but twice, that he was done with me. Suddenly, he asks me if I still want to date him. I was shutting down at this point because I was upset, so the only answer I had was that, no, we couldn't date again, and that I was dating other people so I could move on. He said that's fine, but remember he's "laid back" about "these things," whatever that means.

 

There were a lot of things I wanted to say, but I was reeling and couldn't find the words, I guess. I'm sure he does realize how much he hurt me, so there's no point in asking.

 

I know I need to tell him to keep his distance, or maybe I should just start ignoring him because the attention he's giving me is KILLING me (yes, that sounds melodramatic, but I was crying again tonight after seeing he had posted a picture of his roommate holding his hand [on Facebook]), and I know that, being the type of person he is, he's probably sleeping with his roommate as we speak. He still maintains she's just his "friend." Yeah.

 

Yes, I'm ashamed to admit I'm a grown woman. He's no kid, either. I know I need to move on, but yesterday I realized I wasn't completely over him, and I felt really hurt all over again. I guess I just want some validation (or differing advice, if you have that) because he's trying to play the guilt card, and he knows that I'm a soft touch in that respect. I'm almost tempted to leave for another job because he's stressing me out a lot.

 

 

 

With all of this, I'm not really sure what you're looking for, here. Presumably, advice.

 

With everything that you wrote and especially these parts, my advice would be to see if the therapist he's seeing for his issues has a 2-for-1 special that you can take advantage of.

 

 

If you are seriously even thinking [let alone twice - and more] about this guy after all these things YOU wrote,

 

you really do need to work out YOUR issues. Let him - alone - worry about his.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[morgala]

Thank you, everyone. I'm going to make it clear to him tomorrow that he needs to stay away from me. And, yes, I do think I need counseling, also. I'm not going to date him again, however. That's not even on the table. I just wanted to hear it from other people, too. I have no one to discuss this with right now because most of my friends are either coworkers or people who are going through their own issues, and I don't want to dump this on them. The reason I believe I need counseling (beyond just this guy) involves my care taking tendencies, which are clearly a factor in the relationship I had with this person. I've been reading self-help books on codependency over the past few days.

 

I should clarify he was not sleeping with the married woman while he was dating me. (That doesn't negate what he did, obviously.) Just saying I would have ended it there had he been.

Edited December 11, 2015 by morgala

[Redfisher]

Thank you, everyone. I'm going to make it clear to him tomorrow that he needs to stay away from me. And, yes, I do think I need counseling, also. I'm not going to date him again, however. That's not even on the table. I just wanted to hear it from other people, too. I have no one to discuss this with right now because most of my friends are either coworkers or people who are going through their own issues, and I don't want to dump this on them. The reason I believe I need counseling (beyond just this guy) involves my care taking tendencies, which are clearly a factor in the relationship I had with this person. I've been reading self-help books on codependency over the past few days.

 

You are heading down the right path...I think you'll do fine. good luck!