jsmith92 Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 I am 8 months into my third relationship and most of the time it is great however every now and then I feel that I begin to have trust issues and I think it is because of my past. In my first relationship I was with a girl for 2 years and she left me for someone else who she claimed was just a friend while we were together. My second relationship lasted just over three years and there was no cheating involved, it was actually me ending it this time and one of the reasons was because I was constantly being lied to. Im now in this relationship and although we get on 95% of the time, every now and then I automatically think the worst of situations because of how I have been deceived in the past. I want to stop letting my past effect my current relationship as she is a great girl and out of the three relationships I have had I feel this could be the most serious as I feel we get along so well and are very suitable. I trust her not to cheat on me or anything but because of my past and my now current girlfriend not being used to being in a relationship (im her first serious one) I sometimes think the worst of situations. Its like I worry about what she might be doing at times if I don't hear from her, tonight for example she finished work at 6 and didn't hear from her till 6.45 when she usually texts me after she finishes. I didn't question her but in my head I was wondering what she was up to and I want to stop thinking like this I want to trust her fully 100%. Its like I trust her but then I think the worst of situations at times and I don't want to have to think like that. I want to just let her get on and do her own thing and that be it, I don't like overthinking. I know its my problem and I want to try understand why im like it and start fixing it, any advice?
Gloria25 Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 My advice? "Forgive", but don't "Forget".... I think sometimes we think that we have to hold onto the dirrty that someone did to us cuz it will keep us on our toes so it doesn't happen again. But what happens is we stop enjoying life, we don't trust, we close our doors. Look the only way you're gonna move past this is to let go. Think of it as a trust exercise where your gf is behind you and you literally have to fall backwards and hope she catches you. Will she catch you? Who knows until you let go and give her a chance to. So, I'm not saying to have a blind eye and forget what was done to you, to forget red flags, but to let go and allow her to prove you right or wrong.... Good luck
BetrayedH Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 It's not wise to have blind (100%) trust in anyone. 1
dichotomy Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 (edited) "I trust her not to cheat on me" Then you have not come to a bigger understanding of risk, love, and human behavior. I used get paranoid, worry about being cheated on again. Eventually I came to a bigger understanding that this is just life and love and human behavior and to live with uncertainty. Its more important to understand this (being cheated on, hurt) could happen and simply having a better sense of "well I can deal with it when it happens and I won't fall apart like last time" Related issue - When I stated Mixed Martial Arts two years ago, I had a fear of getting hit (well DUH!). For the first year we did mostly not contact training - and I worried and worried - will I get hit, when will I get hit, how will I handle it if it happens. Then the sparing started. One of the first sparing lessons we had was "stand firm, hold your ground, chin down, while I hit (tap) you in the head" - basically get over being hit, and that it will happen sometimes, and understand you can continue on. Nice lesson in life. Now when I get hit its "whoa, take step back, its okay, going to deal with this and not fall apart". If my wife cheats on me now - basically same thing. Life - bring it - hands up, ready. Edited December 11, 2015 by dichotomy 2
oldshirt Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 Agree with everything the others have said. Cheating, betrayal, loss of love and affections, falling out of love etc etc etc are all part and parcel of the human experience. It's like stubbing your toe on the coffee table, hurts like hell and is all consuming at the time but you eventually walk it off and are fine. You may be a little leery and more careful about walking around barefoot in the dark but you eventually learn you have to live your life and accept that you may stub your toe again and if it happens you know you'll survive. This is the much the same. You can't live your life watching her like a hawk and you can't live your life to the fullest worrying about it. But you can't ignore the fact she is no more immune from cheating than any other woman and you are no more immune from being cheated on than any other man (and vice versa). You can't eliminate the risk but if you are the best person and best BF you can be, you chances are reduced somewhat. And if she does cheat, then it's on her. And the better you are, the less negative impact it will have on you and the quicker you recover and bounce back. Sometimes the best thing you can do is accept that in the end, you won't really be able to stop other people from doing what they are going to do. The only thing you have control over is how you will.deal with it if it happens. 1
BetrayedH Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 "I trust her not to cheat on me" Then you have not come to a bigger understanding of risk, love, and human behavior. I used get paranoid, worry about being cheated on again. Eventually I came to a bigger understanding that this is just life and love and human behavior and to live with uncertainty. Its more important to understand this (being cheated on, hurt) could happen and simply having a better sense of "well I can deal with it when it happens and I won't fall apart like last time" Related issue - When I stated Mixed Martial Arts two years ago, I had a fear of getting hit (well DUH!). For the first year we did mostly not contact training - and I worried and worried - will I get hit, when will I get hit, how will I handle it if it happens. Then the sparing started. One of the first sparing lessons we had was "stand firm, hold your ground, chin down, while I hit (tap) you in the head" - basically get over being hit, and that it will happen sometimes, and understand you can continue on. Nice lesson in life. Now when I get hit its "whoa, take step back, its okay, going to deal with this and not fall apart". If my wife cheats on me now - basically same thing. Life - bring it - hands up, ready. I agree a lot with this. I had been with my wife for 18 years, married for 12. I had no idea she was capable of what she did to us. But she did. And it was traumatic. Our kids were only 4 and 8 at the time. There was no salvaging it, although I spent 8 months trying. I lost a ton of weight. I lost an immeasurable amount of sleep. I lost my job the same week that my divorce finalized. It was pretty heinous and I could go on but, you get the idea. Regardless, I got into another relationship. I certainly went thru anxiety. Would the same kind of thing happen again? Eventually I made a decision that my new GF was not my wife. And beyond that, I think the same kind of thought process that dichotomy has described kicked in. I've accepted that yes, it can happen again. And while I may be a bit more attuned to discovering it this time around, I could still be fooled. I'm not going to live in a hypervigilant state. BUT, this time I would be better prepared to handle it. I know my boundaries. I know what I can accept and what I can't. I'm prepared to be decisive. I know I'm strong enough to survive it. And frankly, if someone does this to me again, it's their loss. 2
Author jsmith92 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 Thanks for all the responses, they all make sense and I have taken it all in. I spoke to my girlfriend yesterday about my trust issues, she knows why I am like it and understands but says that it hurts her when I don't trust her over little things. I tried explaining that I do trust her but I cant help from overthinking sometimes. Up until the other day we used to talk a lot when we weren't together but from now on I have decided to chill out and just let her do her own thing throughout the day and get on with my own thing. I think it is just worse at the moment as I left my job a month ago so I just have so much spare time on my hands at the minute which leads me to think too much, I just need to keep busy. I think I just find it harder because I have always been in a relationship, im 25 now and this is my third serious relationship whilst I am her first serious one. Im used to being very close to someone but I have realised that maybe I get too close at times and just need to give us both some space and do our own thing, I do trust her I just got to stop thinking and just get on with my own thing. I do feel different now in a better way and like you say there is no point worrying about what might happen, she is a very nice girl and I don't need to think too much into things anymore.
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